My father used to love to read obituaries.

Growing up, I thought it morose but he was fascinated by all the things he didn’t know about the departed.  And journalists will tell you obituaries are among the best researched and written pieces in any publication.

A great way to build a more meaningful life is to take inventory on where you’re at today.  If an obituary was written about you now when you don’t need it, what would it say?

Accomplishments, shortcomings, what effect did your life have on other people close to you and those who came in contact with you.

Then live on in good health.

Adjust your goals and reprioritize how you use your time to make your time on this earth more valuable and rewarding.

People on their deathbed often lament the things they wished they had done if they could live their lives over again.

By writing an obituary you don’t need now, you get that second chance tomorrow.

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Harvard Medical School’s work on positive psychology is turning up some valuable coping mechanisms for reducing stress.

Positive outlooks help smooth out the ups and downs in life thus making it less stressful.

Here is the compelling evidence:

1. Gratitude – A 2003 study of people with chronic illness showed that when they kept a three week daily gratitude journal along with a rating form, positive changes were reported by significant others close to them plus they benefited physically, slept longer and woke up more refreshed.
2. Strengths – By articulating strengths rather than weaknesses, respondents improved their self-esteem and their moods.  Mind you, all this happened by simply taking inventory of their five signature strengths.
3. Savoring Pleasure – When participants in a 2008 study of depressed persons in the Netherlands focused on positive reminiscences, they began to think of their futures in a more positive light.
4. Flow – When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less like to ruminate about disturbing thoughts.
5. Meaning – In a study, heart attack patients who blamed their heart attacks on others were more likely to have a second heart attack within 8 years but those who found some benefit in their health crisis such as appreciating life more were less likely to have a recurrence.
6. Mindfulness – The skin legions of patients undergoing treatment for severe psoriasis cleared more rapidly when they listened to audiotapes of mindfulness intervention during treatment sessions.

I find myself turning to Positive Psychology from Harvard Medical School ($26) for many ways to harness the power of happiness, mindfulness and inner strength.

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Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden who won 10 national titles in 12 years at UCLA loved to win, but he never talked about it to his players.

Instead, Wooden just told them this:

Maximize your potential. 

That way, it took the pressure off them and gave them peace of mind when they reached their full potential.

The genius of this approach is that when we chase someone else’s dreams, we often come up short.  Of course Wooden had some great players on his teams (Lew Alcindor known now as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bill Walton to name a few).  But Wooden also had a championship team with no player taller than 6’5”.

This is great advice for us.

Keep your mind off winning – just being better.

Never try to be better than anyone else just be the best that you can be. 

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Morley Winograd and Michael Hais in their books about Millennials remind us that the reason Congress is so gridlocked in partisan politics is because the baby boomers who make up most of our elected representatives are an idealistic generation.

Their seminal moment was to be for the Vietnam War or against it and baby boomers seemed split down the middle on that issue.

They don’t tend to compromise and are not likely to start now even if they must lose their jobs as a result of sticking firmly to their views.

Millennials, some 95 million strong and coming of age, indicate what the future will be like.  

Find the common ground. 

The Millennial generation is more pragmatic and civic – let’s get something done.

Compromise has always been a winner in relationships, marriages and work with success going to those who can do it.

But increasingly compromising is not an option but a requirement.

We’re going to have to know how to find common ground and still hold our views – a skillset that is worth working on now.

One way to get started is to get a feeling for being more accommodating – look for opportunities to compromise on things.  See why the next generation embraces it so easily when it becomes a natural part of the way you think.

Look for opportunities to give more than you have to and you will begin to rehearse a major societal change that will be necessary in all human interaction.

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Time for some homework.

Try any (or all) of these people pleasers and see why you will feel good about yourself and those around you. 

1.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.  The best way to get someone to be interested in what you have to say is to be interested in what they have to say first.

2.  It’s not about you; it’s about them if you want people to like you.

3.  Compromise.  The unofficial definition of diplomacy is the fine art of letting other’s have your way. 

4.  The surprising reality is that most people care more about being heard than getting you to change your point of view.  Be a great listener. 

5.  Give back compliments when they are given to you.  You’ll hear more praise and appreciation when you hand a compliment back like a hot potato.

6.  A sincere compliment is one in which you not only tell the other person what you like about them but cite evidence or an example to give it meaning.  Everything else is just flattery which doesn’t go far.

7.  To be authentic, admit your frailties. Nothing makes a person look so good as when they admit mistakes and show their imperfections.  Yes, be human and show it.  It’s irresistible.

Most of the time we don’t need a course in human relations.  We just need to revisit treating others the way we like to be treated.

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There is a neighbor of mine who will be 90 years young this May. 

As she tells it, she lived in one house, raised a family, cared for a husband until his death for 61 years running.  She is in great health and doesn’t need to go to a “retirement” community, she just believes now is the time for the next phase of her life – at 90!

She is on my favorites list for a quick call to help me when I need a dose of gratitude.  Among her wise observations:  Nothing is perfect but I have no complaints.  I watched the snowstorm the other day from 5 stories above it – it was beautiful while it seems the media has us complaining about the storm.

Some people can’t get out of their own way – nothing seems to make them happy.  Not money, not power, not friends or family – nothing.

Life is filled with challenges and obstacles all along the way, but as happy people will tell you they can counter balance the ups and downs of life by granting themselves the permission to feel good.

Choose how you feel about what is happening to you.

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Before starting each new semester at USC I always reminded my students that they are paying several thousand dollars for the class they enrolled in.

Their parents paid for it, a scholarship covered it or most likely, they would be paying for this course with interest in the form of a student loan for much of their adult lives.

And yet, education is the only thing I can think of that people want the least of for their money (i.e., “Professor, how many classes can we miss?” or “Can we work online and not come to class?”).  We don’t tell a car dealer, “Can I leave out the air conditioning I already paid for?”

Long after you’ve taken most classes, you really don’t remember much about them.

Unless you have discovered the one thing, the big thing, that will bring you success.

We want to succeed, but we’re not always willing to practice.

An Olympian can’t hope for gold, silver or bronze without rehearsing specifically that which can lead to success.

Great golfers say don’t just practice, practice with a purpose.  Hitting tons of balls doesn’t make anyone better at golf.

Focus on becoming skilled at things that really matter.

To be a better salesperson, focus on one thing that will make you better and rehearse it constantly like an Olympic athlete.

If you want to be a better parent, choose one major quality that you want to possess and practice it over and over again.

Most of us have it the wrong way.

We don’t need to be all that smarter.  We just need to practice the right stuff.

Practice with a purpose to rehearse for success.

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Maybe you know someone with a handicap – a child, a friend or perhaps you have one yourself.

My father was a career military man, a major in The United States Army. 

His leg was amputated – not as a result of the war he fought in, but due to the ravages of coronary artery disease.

He lived a “normal” life for a handicapped person from then on doing almost everything he used to do and some things he never dreamed of. 

You heard of the one armed paperhanger?

Not too long after his rehabilitation this determined Italian man wallpapered an entire room on a stepladder without the aid of an assistant becoming a one legged paperhanger. 

There is an amazing TED video by Maysoon Zayid, the Palestinian immigrant who was born with Cerebral Palsy in my beloved home state of New Jersey.  It’s funny, touching and inspiring.  If you have the time you can see it here.

But at least forward to the end when Maysoon talks about being able to overcome just about anything from disease to discrimination – everything except the Internet later in her life.  In a world where some people with a bully mentality go to get mean, the Internet was Maysoon’s biggest concern as an adult.

We know too well that bullying in social media is killing young people these days.

The Internet is also a tool for good – to help others, encourage those needing a kind word, share information and experiences and to become a community.  We must never let the bullies take this great asset away or diminish it.

In golf, a handicap is an asset that allows everyone to play the game on an equal basis.

There is no greater handicap in life than to limit the potential of others because we cannot see their inner fire and determination.

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Amazon boss Jeff Bezos used those words to describe – perhaps disingenuously – the plight of small book publishers who seemingly have no chance to compete against the giant Amazon.

That aside, complaining is not a strategy for anyone.

• Venting is good, obsessing about it not so useful or helpful.
• If you become less judgmental, you will likely complain less.
• Accept responsibility because it will either motivate you to fix your problem or let it go.
• The question to ask when you catch yourself getting ready to complain is would you like to complain or be happy.

I like what football coach Lou Holtz says:  “Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them”.

But you may remember Randy Pausch who famously lectured about life and death during the final days of the disease that claimed his life.  Pausch said, “Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

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When you say, “I’m stressed” you might just as well be saying, “I am the reason I am stressed”.   Blaming circumstances or others doesn’t help as we find out over and over again.

We cannot be stressed without our own expressed permission.

Prioritize rather than multitask.

Take control over digital devices because they are wonderful tools until we let them dictate the flow of daily living.

It’s up to you to clamp down on time wasters – they will never do it voluntarily.

Drama kings and drama queens have no place in our happy lives unless we like the stress they try to bring to us.

Even big problems and/or emergencies are not stress producers.  It is the way we respond.  I chose the word respond not react.  Reacting to circumstances is stressful.  Responding is transformational.

Hurt, disappointment and heartbreak are feelings that it is okay to have but not to dwell on.

A good night’s sleep after a tough day is a stress buster. 

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