Face it; we are all prisoners to the cellphone that remains in our hands or by our side.

Oddly enough, most people don’t even use their “phones” as a phone.

The texting, emails, Instagrams, Twitter, Facebook and apps distract us from a balanced life causing stress.

Many people sleep with phones or on the night table next to their beds.

At Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, I saw a college student returning from spring break so tired she laid out over several seats on her back and took a nap waiting for her flight.

On her stomach was her cellphone.

And when she got a message, she opened her eyes and responded, put it back down on her stomach and closed her eyes.  Great way to get some rest.

We eat with our phones.

Consult them in the presence of others.

Teach our children the wrong way to balance instant communication with living in the present.

A smartphone is only smart when we use it as a helpful tool not a life style.

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An effective way to deal with people who put us down is to let them hang themselves.

Avoid responding.

Avoid expressing feelings of hurt, surprise or disgust.

Just let them stew in their own meanness.

No response is the right response, but it doesn’t mean put up with their abuse.  If someone consistently tries to put you down, you need to get away from them.

But sometimes the put down artist is family or an employer who is hard to get away from.

Make plans to remove yourself from the situation – even if it is family that is putting you down.

When I was in college, I was fortunate enough to get a job at the big ABC TV affiliate in Philadelphia on camera.

Back on campus, a fellow student in the communications program got me aside and said, “How did YOU get that job?” I went nuts.  He then owned me and made me feel bad about something that was really good.

Later in life I learned to use humor to nullify put down artists when I was appointed a professor of music industry at USC, a “friend” of mine said, “How did YOU become a professor?”

My response was “I guess they offered the job to everyone else first and no one was left” making fun of the put down artist who I thought was a friend.

One more thing – never believe a put down.  Even if there is a kernel of truth to it.

The only person who should have access to your mind should be you.  No one else gets to record negative thoughts directly in your brain.

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I and me

The better words are:

You and yours

Even in our current culture of self-absorption having to endure people talking about themselves is an automatic tune out.

Imagine Toyota running a commercial saying “Buy during the Toyota Holiday Event because we need to sell more cars”.

Most people are concerned about themselves and not you.

To avoid turning people off in business, family or with friends focus on the interests of others.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests and you’ll have the attention of people who matter to you most.

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We remember our faults and keep them burned into our brains.

But we generally don’t remember when we have done well.

Living with regrets – with self-based criticism is an awful thing that can be reversed.

• For every fault you conjure up, balance it with a positive trait (i.e., “my boss tells me I don’t contribute enough” is balanced with “but I am dependable, reliable and work well with others”).
• Only you get direct access into your subconscious.  Even a compliment from another person should be directly delivered to your brain.  Only you get to record in the subconscious of your mind.  This helps prevent growing co-dependent to people who compliment you one minute, take it away another and make you crave their approval to get it back.
• Forgive yourself for not being perfect and join all the rest of the people in the world.  Perfectionism is a great and useful goal but it is a guaranteed path to unhappiness initiated by you.
• Get off your own back.  Forgive, love and protect yourself.

Self-love can never come from another person.

At most they can affirm positive things about you.

Only we can attain self-love.

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Nothing kills relationships more than jealousy.

It’s a roadblock to career advancement.

A detriment to intimate personal relationships.

Haters exhibit jealousy often in a more public way through social media and interaction.

The best defense that strikes at the heart of haters is:

• It’s about them, not you.  Key on that thought when faced with a hater.
• Don’t fight back – that’s what haters want.  Refuse to engage them.  If you fight back, you risk becoming a hater, too.
• Be cool.  Showing hurt or other emotions is what haters live for.  And that’s a tough assignment especially when haters are hating in social media.  Keep your hurt private but find a true friend to help you express your feelings.
• Respond with your strengths.  True self-confidence comes as a suit of armor.  Put your best traits forward not insecurities and imperfections.
• Haters gonna hate.  They won’t go away.  Live in their world by ignoring them and stick to your strengths.

Ted Kennedy was a polarizing political figure.  But he was genial to everyone even his enemies.  Who knows how he really felt inside but on the outside he waved, smiled and lived the life he wanted to live.

Haters know you don’t like them but they also need to know that you’re not about to let it bother you.

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Maybe you’re around people you wish were somehow different.

You may remember your spouse in a different way than you see them today. Or hope that an employer or associate could have better people skills. Your children may be getting older and you don’t recognize their behavior as they mature.

Try to change a person and you attack their self-esteem.

They dig in and become more stubborn.

In other words you have zero chance of getting them to change the way you want them to.

Only they can change if they want to.

In the meantime work on changing you.

Others will feel more open to change when you can help make them feel good about themselves.

There is no choice but to accept others just the way they are – who knew, Mister Rogers was correct.

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Controllers are often perfectionists with anxiety issues.

They have to have it their way.

The truth about control freaks is that in a sense we all have control issues.  Who doesn’t want to get their way as often as possible?

When living with a strong personality who pushes and bullies their will onto you, the answer is often as simple as this.

Picture yourself carrying a deck of cards and one of them has NO written on it.

Play the NO card every time someone tries to will their way onto you.

When they try again and again (and they probably will), say NO again and again.

No control freak can have their way with us unless we allow it and one of the most effective ways to neutralize them is to play the NO card.

Then for the control freak in all of us remember that the best way to gain control is to give up control.

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When I was in college, my best buddy in the broadcasting program and I decided to pitch small, local stations on a show that featured both of us as a team.

One day, from a phone booth at school, my friend contacted the program director of a small suburban radio station (with me by his side) and I plainly heard him say, “Jerry and I want to do a show for your station”.

The program director told him, “I don’t need two djs doing a show. I need one part-timer for the weekends”.

My friend took the job right there and then without even consulting me.

I was shocked, hurt and disappointed.

But I learned a lesson.

Friends who are selfish will regret their selfishness.

He took the weekend job for minimum wage in a radio station that was dumpier than a gas station.

I continued to look for work.

We remained friends but things were never the same.

Then, I made a call to a local TV station by myself and got hired as a booth announcer for more money than I ever made in my life up to that point.

The one thing I never forget is that if my friend had not sold me down the river, we would still be shopping that ill-fated show and I would have missed my opportunity to make the phone call that eventually got me a job in a market television station.

Out of bad comes good.

When friends disappoint, rise above it because you may find a greater reward without them.

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“I’ll never find another guy like that again”.

“He was a tough boss and I let him down – there goes my best job ever”.

“I have lost the best friend I ever had”.

Stop!

Try these.

“He was rude and not that good looking”.

“Good job, lousy boss.  Good riddance”.

“My friend turned on me, but I will be a good friend to someone else”.  

Glamorizing people who hurt us distorts the relationship and makes us reward bad behavior.

Be fair when assessing the positive traits of another, but don’t put someone who hurts you on a pedestal.

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I used to go to bed after days I’d like to forget.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem but gets us ready to attack it the next day.

• All disappointment is temporary.  True, it hurts – sometimes very deeply.  But disappointment will eventually turn into good fortune.
• Isolate what is really disappointing you.  This can be a revelation because often what disappoints us is not what we think it is.
• Focus on others not yourself.  It is impossible to feel badly when we concentrate our attention on others.
• Don’t take it personally.  You didn’t “deserve it”. You didn’t “ask for it”.  It’s not that you’re “not good enough”.  Taking things personally makes it difficult to get to what is really eating us.

Keep expectations low and motivation high to never be disappointed.

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Why do we let people lure us into skirmishes that drag us away from the person we want to be?

Winning the battle is not winning the war.

If you spend more time getting someone back for what they did to you, you lose the war and stand a good chance of losing the battle they picked with you.

And there are likely to be more meaningless but emotional fights.

To win more and lose less, ask yourself – what is my goal?

And if you decide that your goal is to be the fine person you are, a good spouse, a loving parent or a loyal friend, let no person distract you.

Remove the imaginary button that many of us wear that says, “Push” to force us to react instead of respond.

Winning doesn’t mean besting another person.

It doesn’t mean beating someone out of a job, a promotion, or a compliment.

It means staying the course that constantly asks you “What type of a person do you want to be?” and then let no one deter you.

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It is common today to see parents tell their children that when they lose at, say, sports, they actually win.

This is not quite the message we want to convey.

Perhaps you work with people who have a high estimation of themselves just because they show up.

Last week, NFL Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison made headlines when he said that the trophies his sons received for simply participating would be returned.

Here’s Harrison’s reaction via Instagram:

“I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best…cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy. #harrisonfamilyvalues”

What often gets lost is that there is meaning in losing – falling short of our goals.

Losing helps us discover how badly we want really something (or not).

Losing teaches us lessons that can eventually help us to win.

Whether on the field, in the classroom or office, falling short of our goals can be transformational.

We win when we don’t give up.

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He’s 90.

He’s done more since being president of the United States than most people do in their entire lives: books, poetry, The Carter Center, monitoring elections in third world nations to ensure that they are helped honestly.

But it is the way Jimmy Carter is dealing with his mortality that touches me.

In good humor, he goes before cameras and talks about how his melanoma has spread to his brain, his reaction (more accepting then he thought), the optimism of a new chemotherapy treatment and this …

I’m ready for my next adventure — whatever that is.

Carter is scheduled to go to Nepal in a few months if he is able. He has cut back his schedule but hasn’t thrown it away.

He’s at peace with death because he intends to live every moment of his life.

And that is the gift Jimmy Carter reminds us of.

When we are afraid to live life, we run the risk of losing life.

There are a lot of things we cannot control but one of them is to live each day as if it is your last.

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Sports stars have their agents negotiate relatively short term contracts for them to maximize their earning potential and in some cases extend their careers.

The rest of us should be no different.

Here is the approach I use and write about in my book that makes me a “free agent” every summer even though I own my own business.

• Take at least a week – I use a vacation week – to review the past year.  Ask yourself the question:  “Do I want to do this again next year?”  Perhaps the answer is yes, but I need more.  Now is the time to figure out what that is.
• Isolate the things you want to do – today, tomorrow and further on in life.  Question:  are you doing them?  If you’re not pursing your dreams in some way, you’re in a dead end career even if you are being paid well.
• Once you know what you want to do next year, divide it into the following categories – off-season (the one you’re in when you are reviewing the past year), pre-season, the season and post-season.  For example, you may want to add something rewarding to your career that requires additional education.  That’s your pre-season.  Once you’re ready to follow your dreams, consider that your season.  Post season is reserved for upping your motivation to accomplish greater goals at the end of the regular season.
• Everything is on the table.  If you want to go to nursing school but you work in sales, the moment you know what you want to do you have taken the first step.
• I sign a new contract with myself every year for one year only and then I go through the process all over again in 12 months.  It is amazing at how my “contracts” have changed from 5 or even 10 years ago.  Had I not done this, imagine what I would have missed out on.

My grandfather worked for the railroad all his life.

At the end, a year before retirement they tried to get him to quit and assigned him to handling a locomotive 100 miles from home each day.  He persisted, got his retirement but wasted whatever dreams he had by passively devoting himself to a company that did not have his best interests in mind.

Think of your life as a renewable contract that is renegotiated by you with you to put you in the best position to start realizing your dreams.

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Maybe you’re like me and have tried everything else.

Here’s a guaranteed way to reduce stress immediately.

Simplify your life.

• Digital communication makes our lives richer but more stressful.  Consider that more than 95% of our digital and social interactivity is an interruption to productivity and rarely brings us happiness.  It can wait, so let it.
• Multitasking sounds good but it induces even more stress.  Since when does doing two or three things simultaneously make us happier and more successful?  Actively and constantly look for ways to do less.  Twenty percent of what we do everyday gives us 80% of our productivity.  Doggedly search for the things that make up that 20% and do only them.
• Use focused attention.  Work uninterrupted.  Break tasks into small pieces because it is a fact that the bigger the task ahead of us, the harder it is to get the time to work on it.  Divide it into smaller steps and do one at a time.
• Who are the most important people in your life?  Spend your time with them first, not interrupters, usurpers or less important people demanding your precious time.
• Yes, exercise, diet and a positive attitude contribute to stress reduction but actively looking for things to let go of is the Holy Grail of stress reduction.

Eliminating stress will always be replaced by more stress unless you focus your attention on only that which means the most to you in life.

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There are now more Millennials (roughly 18-34) in the workplace than any other generation including Gen X and Baby Boomers.

So chances are if you are not already working with or for people who are younger, you soon will.

• None are so old as those who have outlived their zest for enthusiasm.  The enthusiastic worker or co-worker is ageless and rarely thought of by their age.  If you get this right, you won’t need the next few suggestions.
• The good old days are not that good.  Most people would never want to go back in time to a “better” day.  So give it up and stop talking about it.  Nothing says out of date and out of touch more than a person who speaks of the past when working in the present.
• Young people expect a fast track for their ideas (just like older people did in their youth).  Check your ego at the door and help them realize their ideas and your value multiplies.
• Think of younger people with the love you have for your own children.  As a professor at USC I thought of my students as extended family.  And healthy families disagree and disappoint but they like each other.  Ironically, I have seen some teachers who disliked the Millennial generation and the feeling of the students was mutual.
• You don’t have to dress like someone 25 or 35 years old to gain the respect of your boss or co-workers.  I’m thinking of Steve Jobs who was a baby boomer in jeans and turtlenecks who loved The Eagles and The Beatles.  But Jobs respected the desires of a much younger generation and built great products for them.

Only a fool tries to be younger but a wise person becomes invaluable by having the confidence to leave their resume in the past and helping others realize their dreams.

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You don’t walk out of the movie early if you want to know how it ends.

Same is true of a bad day or bad streak of luck.

Everyone always rebounds.  It just feels so terrible until then.

To pick up a down day, consider that a day has 24 hours and lots of things can happen in that period of time.

Think of it as one of many other things that make up your life.

“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” – Napoleon Hill

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Nothing has proved to be better than the way Ben Franklin decided things:

“My way is to divide half a sheet of paper by a line into two columns; writing over the one Pro and over the other Con. Then during three or four days’ consideration, I put down under the different heads short hints of the different motives, that at different time occur to me, for or against the measure. When I have thus got them altogether in one view, I endeavor to estimate their respective weights; and where I find two, one on each side, that seem equal, I strike them both out. If I judge some two reasons con equal to some three reasons pro, I strike out five; and thus proceeding, I find where the balance lies; and if after a day or two of further consideration, nothing new that is of importance occurs on either side, I come to a determination accordingly.”

• Two columns (pro/con)
• Take 3 days to consider
• Assign weights but if two are equal strike them both out
• If it’s close, throw both pros and cons out and figure out where the balance lies.
• If nothing new can be added to your list, you have come to a determination.

The best decisions result from weighing the evidence pro and con.

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The first time I was on television on the ABC affiliate in Philadelphia, I read the Teleprompter like a champ.

What an easy job, I thought.

Until the director walked into the ice-cold studio and said “We’re running about 4 minutes early, you’ll have to fill”.  Adlib!  I thought he was kidding.  I hoped he was kidding.

What gets us through public speaking opportunities and presentations is not what most people think it is – not some learned air of confidence but something more deep-seated that all of us can attain.

• You have earned the right to be speaking in public or leading a group.  Remember that fact often.
• Be yourself. Trying to imitate a speaker is the formula for failure but to be yourself makes you an expert.  I am Italian and enthusiastic.  I speak with my hands.  “Good” speakers are encouraged to be someone else but I don’t believe it.   Be you with hand gestures and all.
• Be authentic.  When I started a new class as professor of music industry at USC I would say, “I’m Italian and from New Jersey, anyone have a problem with that?”  The students would laugh because that is the way I talk.  It’s real.
• The biggest fear a speaker or presenter has is that they are going to forget what they intend to say.  Even to this day I rehearse my presentation or talk three times.  That’s it.  Each time it comes out differently which is good. The fourth time is the actual presentation and the way I do it is different again.  This is how you know you are being effective.  You know the material well enough to not worry about how it comes out.
• Confidence booster:  no audience ever knew if a speaker forgot something so don’t worry about remembering everything.
• Never memorize.  You’ll get caught.
• You can start with a set opening line and end with a memorized line – no longer – but the rest of your talk even if you use notes should be extemporaneous.
• To be enthusiastic as a speaker, I mingle with the audience before I talk so they can see I am just like them and to get my mind off the talk and focused on real people.
• When you take questions even from people who disagree with what you are saying – let them have their say, you had yours.
• Oh, and try not to use slides.  Make them available on Google Drive after the talk but the surest way to put an audience to sleep is to use PowerPoint.  Or as one of my USC students said, “if you use slides, make it a picture.  No words”.  They want to hear you!

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I had a friend who, when we were at a restaurant and were interrupted by the waitress, would come back and remember wherever I left off before the interruption.

I marveled at how he could do it because I sure couldn’t.

He always said, “When you speak, I listen, JD”.

One thing that can endear us to others in this digital connected world in which we live is to practice focused listening.

To listen instead of hear, being in the present is required.

Shaking off distractions is a skill that must be acquired.

And getting the feeling of being connected with another person desired.

Some people seem to be born good listeners but for the rest of us, there are these skills:

• Listen intently turning away distractions looking directly into a person’s eyes.
• Summarize in your mind as you hear interesting or significant things.  Imagine that most of us cannot recall what others in our lives say accurately because we’re not present in the conversation.
• Limit the conversation to your ability to concentrate.
• Ask questions when you can.
• Do not give in to the temptation to talk about yourself or your reaction to what another person is saying – and you won’t have to because most people who have been heard will ask you questions.
• Bette Midler’s line comes to mind:  “But enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”  Self-centered people talk about themselves even when they would have you believe they are listening to you.

Try deflecting attention away from yourself even once and you will have all the motivation you need to be a better listener.

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