Two Harvard psychologists, Daniel Gilbert and Matthew Killingsworth, created a smartphone app to get to the bottom of how frequently people’s minds wander.

They then contacted 2,250 adult volunteers at random intervals to ask how they were feeling, what they were thinking about and what they were doing.

They found that their volunteers spent approximately half their time thinking about what was not going on around them instead thinking or even ruminating about the past, the future or things that may never happen at all.

They were happiest when they focused their minds on what they were doing in the moment.  Research backs the advice of many who insist that happiness and fulfillment can only be found in the present moment.  Thinking about other things is a prescription for unhappiness.

This is not to say we cannot plan for the future.  We just can’t live there before it’s time.

Nor is it saying we cannot learn from the past.  Just life today does not exist in the past.

Our brains can be retrained to live in the moment by becoming conscious of even mundane things that we do.  The more we try to reside in the moment, the easier it is to unconsciously live in the now and reap more of the happiness benefits.

There is no pill, no therapy greater than focusing on the here and on.

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No matter how anxious two people are to solve the problem existing between them, there is a greater urge that they almost always give in to.

The need to be right.

Most people can only listen to each other for only so long – and that’s usually not very long at all.  As David Burns says, “One attitude that gets in the way of good communication is the need to solve problems. I often tell troubled couples that they must refuse to solve the problems in their relationship if they hope to experience greater love and closeness”.

Being upset, arguing, bickering is not communicating.  And if anger is not shared openly – and it almost always is not – then game over.

The awesome power of listening is the tool that makes salespeople richer, careers more rewarding, relationships closer and it requires no skill other than keeping our mouths shut for a moment while simultaneously opening our ears.

Resisting a good argument even if you are “right” or if it is absolutely about “the truth” is the direct path to problem solving.

A friend of mine who brokers hundreds of millions of dollars of radio stations used to tell me that the terms of the deals often took a backseat to the dynamics between the dealmakers.   And that even when they wanted to do business together, they couldn’t get out of their own way.

When in doubt listen. 

Overcome the need to be right.

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Some of the best coaches are teachers.

No, all of the best coaches are teachers.  And teachers know that everyone learns at their own pace. 

As a professor at USC I soon learned that students don’t care whether the next class is about the history of whatever.  They care when you engage them.

I had a professor in college, John Roberts, who used to do an opening monologue and made the class laugh.  By the end of the semester the class thought it had hijacked the professor, he made radio and television that much fun. 

But he later shared his secret in which he kept stimulating the discussion until students started asking questions about what he had already planned to teach.

At work, we give orders.

At home, we give commands.

The best way to get someone to win cooperation and get results is to change your mission and create in others the burning desire to learn.

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There is one sure way to get what you want.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen used to say, “will what God wills” and you’ll always get what you want.

For the less religious, the same principle applies – accept more things and be happier.

This is not to say don’t have goals, ambitions and drive.  Perhaps you know people who never relent until they get what they want only to find out that what they wanted didn’t make them happy for very long.

The secret is to have many victories of time – not just one.  The Olympian who works a lifetime for a medal they may not win can leave them feeling worthless for the rest of their lives if they haven’t learned to savor smaller successes along the way.

And here’s the great revelation.

Getting what you want feels the same no matter whether the accomplishment is major or minor.

To cultivate that feeling of pride and self-satisfaction that we all seek, learn to savor many small accomplishments over time rather than withholding satisfaction until or unless you accomplish your goal.

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A natural depressant is being sedentary. 

We’re designed to be active. 

Over the weekend I met a woman at a funeral who is well into her eighties.  She mall walks two miles a day leaving her “girlfriends” winded at the closest Starbucks kiosk.  She told me she jumped from a cliff using a glider ten years ago when she was “only” in her late seventies.

I was so impressed with her enthusiasm level – and remember, this was at a funeral imagine what she is like on a happier occasion – that I went looking for evidence that exercise was the bromide we have all be searching for.

In a 2007 study in Psychosomatic Medicine, some 202 people with major depression – not just the blues – were divided into three groups.

One group was randomly given the antidepressant Zoloft, another received supervised home exercise programs and the rest got a placebo.

After four months, the exercisers were just as likely to enter a remission as the group taking medication.

We know exercise improves our mood so to not take full advantage of increased daily activity is like turning down a free gift.

As Ellen DeGeneres says “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”

But wherever she is, she’s healthy and happy.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie may have dealt a serious blow to his presidential ambitions because of revenge – that is assuming, of course, that he was aware of the actions of his staff to disrupt traffic on the George Washington Bridge that spans New York City.

Putting politics aside because both political parties are usually always guilty of the same transgressions, seeking revenge kills careers, families and interpersonal relationships.

Confucius said, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”.

Don’t get mad get even is bad advice.

If forgiveness doesn’t work, try channeling your creative juices.

There is much psychological evidence that creativity heals the urge to seek revenge and it helps folks deal with the painful circumstances revenge creates.

Politicians will never learn, but they are not alone.

Until we deal with the feelings that prompt us to use whatever powers we have to seek revenge on another, our lives will not only be filled with anger but careers and families will be broken as well.

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There is a reason no one would ever give up a smartphone after using one.

It’s your life in your hands.

Here’s another.

Capture a picture of a loved one you have lost and put it on your smartphone in a photo file where you can keep photo memories of the ones you wish to remember.

Then, during the day, find a moment to scroll through the picture and think about the one trait you admire most about that person.  Should you decide to make that trait live on in you, digital memories of this kind help you to stay focused and remember someone special.

Making a loved one’s picture as smartphone wallpaper is also a great way to never forget the ones you love.

Better yet, make an additional second file for people who are special and still with you.  Just a moment of appreciation guarantees a positive, happy remembrance of the special people who value the most.

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Ke$ha told TMZ, “I’m a crusader for being yourself and loving yourself, but I’ve found it hard to practice.  I’ll be unavailable for the next 30 days, seeking treatment for my eating disorder … to learn to love myself again, exactly as I am.”

And then there’s the ongoing controversy about photoshopping stars and models on magazine covers to make them look like something they are not.  Vogue and Jezebel are having that fight right now.  Lady Gaga said a recent photo-shoot was not how she looks when she gets out of bed.

And then there is Girls, the breakthrough HBO series where star Lena Dunham appears just as God built her even in intimate nude scenes.

Not being happy with how we look is not new.  But there is hope that a new generation will make some needed advances.

• Retrain the way our brains work to accept ourselves the way we are.  Is the runner up in a beauty pageant really a loser?  Technically they lost to number one.  Aren’t there more important things than trying to be what we are not?
• You would never call anyone else fat or scrawny so do as Leslie Goldman, body image expert and author of Locker Room Diaries suggests:  “Treat yourself as you would treat others, and you’ll find negative thoughts will lessen over time”.
• Compare yourself to you – always a good policy.  Are you more fit, healthier, happier today than you were?  Now that’s a comparison you can live with.

One size doesn’t fit all in personality, passion, intelligence, compassion and, yes, body image.

And I love this from Tom Stoppard, “I am not my body. My body is nothing without me.”

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Savor.

When I asked my USC students if they would like to know a surefire way to avoid having to multitask, none of them raised their hands until, of course, I stood there in a long uncomfortable silence waiting for someone, anyone, to be curious.

What don’t we do along with something else?  Game of Thrones is watched while our “second screens” (phones, tablets, laptops) are in use nearby.  We shop at Safeway on the phone.  We text, we drive. 

No one is arguing that multitasking cannot be done simply that multitasking cannot be done pleasurably.

1. Doing 20% of our tasks gets us 80% productivity and yet we try to do everything at once.
2. We run on the beach, but don’t listen to the surf.  But there’s an app for ocean sounds.
3. We converse in between texting.
4. Email is like junk mail so why do we spend so much time with it while doing other things?

If life for you is a marathon to see how much you can do simultaneously then multitask away.

For more pleasure, watch Breaking Bad and do nothing else.  Pick the handful of things you must do today and focus on only doing them well.

Run without an ear bud in your ear.  You can listen to music after you’ve soaked up the high of great exercise.

Text away but not while you are conversing with another person.  Choose one.

Eliminate things that don’t need to be done at all (like most email) and simplify life.

Interesting that Millennials have discovered another gift – binge watching TV and movies.  I’m thinking this find was a necessary antidote for too much multitasking.

“Savoring is placing your attention on pleasure as it occurs” – Harvard’s “Positive Psychology”.

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I saw dramatic evidence when I was a professor at USC that students were often their own worst enemies.

They became stressed because they cared about achieving at a high level and wanted so much to be worthy of working well with others.

Most of us can agree with this statement:  when something goes wrong, who do we blame first?  You’ll find that person in the mirror.  We’re living in a stressful age where a little compassion for one’s self can go a long way.

We must sensitize ourselves to have compassion for our own suffering the way we automatically do when we see another person’s pain.

1. Everyone makes mistakes; we cannot be perfect we can only try.  The greatest baseball hitter of his generation, Ted Williams, hit .406 one season – a modern day record.  That means he failed 60% of the time.  It’s okay.
2. Nurture your pain.  Often people who are hurt strike out in anger making it worse.  Even the phrase “I’m hurting right now” is enough to be curative if we can only remember to say it.
3. Avoid judging yourself.  When you don’t like what you’ve done, you can always change it.  That positive thoughts help to bring about that change. Holding on to negative thoughts brings us more discouragement and unhappiness.

Dieters who are harsh with themselves when they go off their diets often eat more and gain more weight, but research shows that those who got off their own case (not let themselves off the hook), resumed losing weight.  No problem.

Trade your own worst enemy for your own best friend and the benefits can be immediate.

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There is overwhelming evidence that shows emphasizing a person’s positive strengths greatly increases their productivity.

Dale Carnegie always said, “don’t criticize, condemn or complain” but apparently modern workplaces never got that email.

Some 20,000 employees of 34 companies were polled in 2002 by the Corporate Leadership Council.

When performance reviews focused on what employees were doing right, it resulted in a 35% improvement in performance.  Talk about the magic formula for motivating a team.

But when these employee reviews dwelled on their weaknesses, a 27% decline in performance was documented.

Even more useful to anyone who manages even one other person:

• According to a 2005 study reported in The Journal of Organizational Behavior, employees of an electronics and appliance store found that for achievement-oriented workers the best motivation was offering challenging opportunities.
• For employees with a low need for achievement, their hot button was greater autonomy, more free time or more social opportunities with fellow workers. 

Now we have these new, proven strategies for increasing productivity of those who work for us.

Let’s give them a try.

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We all know that gratitude cures a multiple of sins.

But how do we become more grateful?

Researchers at Harvard and other universities discovered a fascinating way for people in long-term relationships to boost gratitude.

One group of participants were asked to spend 20 minutes writing about how they met their partner – all the details on how they wound up together.

A second group was asked to write about how the couple may never have met  — never have ended up with each other.

When I tried this I recalled that I met my wife when I called a temp agency in Cherry Hill, NJ to send me “the nicest person in the world” to handle my office while I took my entire staff on the road to do seminars.  It was only supposed to be a one-week job.  My wife had never used a temp agency in her life and neither did I.  Can you see where this is going?

I’m happy to share this secret backed by research that I have learned with you today.

To increase your gratitude in long-term relationships focus on not being with that person and you will achieve a new level of gratitude.

Let me know what happens when you do.

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If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

There it is.

All the books, motivational speakers and pep talks later and we discover this gem of wisdom.

Even the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray as poet Robert Burns said.

Sometimes it’s a wakeup call or a life changing experience that makes us realize that life is so finite.

At any point – even today – we can log back onto life as author Amit Sood puts it.

You are not your thoughts and have the power to redirect them as you see fit.

Sood says, “the present moment is not a means to an end, it is the end in itself”.

For those who don’t yet know what makes them happy, there here is a starter’s guide.

Focus on the power of gratitude, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness that helps to focus beyond yourself and the “black holes” that rob us on the happiness we can have.

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Just as in forgiving others we do ourselves the biggest favor when we focus on doing acts of kindness, we become the real beneficiaries.

Every day for a week, keep a list of acts of kindness you do for others.  You can keep this on paper or on your iPhone or Android as an ongoing note.

Every act counts, large or small – enter it and keep a tally.

At the end of the week evaluate whether your acts of kindness increased as the days went on.  How did others receive your kind actions and just as important, how did they make you feel.

Were you happier? 

Did your self-esteem improve? 

Were you more grateful?

Often, the meaningful improvements in our lives do not come from becoming someone you are not but rather establishing a habit of being the fine person you are.

Even thinking about an act of kindness changes us for the positive.

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A mate who throws their clothes on the floor may not have bothered you when you first met, but when it starts to become an issue, it is likely that the issue is more than just about clothes.

In radio, a good program director knows that there are 15 to 25 key things that must be done immediately to turn a station’s fate around.  No time to waste.  They do these things first and fast.

Once these things are implemented, the program directors then turn to the larger tasks of building a morning show, creating contests, doing outside promotion and finding ways to attract audiences from competitors.

Marriage is not much different than turning around a radio station.

Unfortunately, in relationships couples often play from a weak hand instead of a bounty of already established strengths.  They try to become what they are not instead of returning to what made the other person fall in love with them in the first place.  This can lead to relationship disaster.

A recent Wall Street Journal article called “Spouse, Change Thyself” seemed to me to be the wrong direction.  Trying to be what you are not is a dangerous way to build a lasting relationship.  Change can occur, but not as a prerequisite for continuing the relationship.

Both partners should make a list of all the things that they think their partner liked (or loved) about them when they first met and assure that they do these things as often as possible.  First and fast.

Real change focused on more difficult issues tend to be realized when both parties are displaying more of their best qualities rather than struggling to be something that they may never be.

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My father used to love to read obituaries.

Growing up, I thought it morose but he was fascinated by all the things he didn’t know about the departed.  And journalists will tell you obituaries are among the best researched and written pieces in any publication.

A great way to build a more meaningful life is to take inventory on where you’re at today.  If an obituary was written about you now when you don’t need it, what would it say?

Accomplishments, shortcomings, what effect did your life have on other people close to you and those who came in contact with you.

Then live on in good health.

Adjust your goals and reprioritize how you use your time to make your time on this earth more valuable and rewarding.

People on their deathbed often lament the things they wished they had done if they could live their lives over again.

By writing an obituary you don’t need now, you get that second chance tomorrow.

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Harvard Medical School’s work on positive psychology is turning up some valuable coping mechanisms for reducing stress.

Positive outlooks help smooth out the ups and downs in life thus making it less stressful.

Here is the compelling evidence:

1. Gratitude – A 2003 study of people with chronic illness showed that when they kept a three week daily gratitude journal along with a rating form, positive changes were reported by significant others close to them plus they benefited physically, slept longer and woke up more refreshed.
2. Strengths – By articulating strengths rather than weaknesses, respondents improved their self-esteem and their moods.  Mind you, all this happened by simply taking inventory of their five signature strengths.
3. Savoring Pleasure – When participants in a 2008 study of depressed persons in the Netherlands focused on positive reminiscences, they began to think of their futures in a more positive light.
4. Flow – When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less like to ruminate about disturbing thoughts.
5. Meaning – In a study, heart attack patients who blamed their heart attacks on others were more likely to have a second heart attack within 8 years but those who found some benefit in their health crisis such as appreciating life more were less likely to have a recurrence.
6. Mindfulness – The skin legions of patients undergoing treatment for severe psoriasis cleared more rapidly when they listened to audiotapes of mindfulness intervention during treatment sessions.

I find myself turning to Positive Psychology from Harvard Medical School ($26) for many ways to harness the power of happiness, mindfulness and inner strength.

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Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden who won 10 national titles in 12 years at UCLA loved to win, but he never talked about it to his players.

Instead, Wooden just told them this:

Maximize your potential. 

That way, it took the pressure off them and gave them peace of mind when they reached their full potential.

The genius of this approach is that when we chase someone else’s dreams, we often come up short.  Of course Wooden had some great players on his teams (Lew Alcindor known now as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bill Walton to name a few).  But Wooden also had a championship team with no player taller than 6’5”.

This is great advice for us.

Keep your mind off winning – just being better.

Never try to be better than anyone else just be the best that you can be. 

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Morley Winograd and Michael Hais in their books about Millennials remind us that the reason Congress is so gridlocked in partisan politics is because the baby boomers who make up most of our elected representatives are an idealistic generation.

Their seminal moment was to be for the Vietnam War or against it and baby boomers seemed split down the middle on that issue.

They don’t tend to compromise and are not likely to start now even if they must lose their jobs as a result of sticking firmly to their views.

Millennials, some 95 million strong and coming of age, indicate what the future will be like.  

Find the common ground. 

The Millennial generation is more pragmatic and civic – let’s get something done.

Compromise has always been a winner in relationships, marriages and work with success going to those who can do it.

But increasingly compromising is not an option but a requirement.

We’re going to have to know how to find common ground and still hold our views – a skillset that is worth working on now.

One way to get started is to get a feeling for being more accommodating – look for opportunities to compromise on things.  See why the next generation embraces it so easily when it becomes a natural part of the way you think.

Look for opportunities to give more than you have to and you will begin to rehearse a major societal change that will be necessary in all human interaction.

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Time for some homework.

Try any (or all) of these people pleasers and see why you will feel good about yourself and those around you. 

1.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.  The best way to get someone to be interested in what you have to say is to be interested in what they have to say first.

2.  It’s not about you; it’s about them if you want people to like you.

3.  Compromise.  The unofficial definition of diplomacy is the fine art of letting other’s have your way. 

4.  The surprising reality is that most people care more about being heard than getting you to change your point of view.  Be a great listener. 

5.  Give back compliments when they are given to you.  You’ll hear more praise and appreciation when you hand a compliment back like a hot potato.

6.  A sincere compliment is one in which you not only tell the other person what you like about them but cite evidence or an example to give it meaning.  Everything else is just flattery which doesn’t go far.

7.  To be authentic, admit your frailties. Nothing makes a person look so good as when they admit mistakes and show their imperfections.  Yes, be human and show it.  It’s irresistible.

Most of the time we don’t need a course in human relations.  We just need to revisit treating others the way we like to be treated.

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