There is a neighbor of mine who will be 90 years young this May. 

As she tells it, she lived in one house, raised a family, cared for a husband until his death for 61 years running.  She is in great health and doesn’t need to go to a “retirement” community, she just believes now is the time for the next phase of her life – at 90!

She is on my favorites list for a quick call to help me when I need a dose of gratitude.  Among her wise observations:  Nothing is perfect but I have no complaints.  I watched the snowstorm the other day from 5 stories above it – it was beautiful while it seems the media has us complaining about the storm.

Some people can’t get out of their own way – nothing seems to make them happy.  Not money, not power, not friends or family – nothing.

Life is filled with challenges and obstacles all along the way, but as happy people will tell you they can counter balance the ups and downs of life by granting themselves the permission to feel good.

Choose how you feel about what is happening to you.

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Before starting each new semester at USC I always reminded my students that they are paying several thousand dollars for the class they enrolled in.

Their parents paid for it, a scholarship covered it or most likely, they would be paying for this course with interest in the form of a student loan for much of their adult lives.

And yet, education is the only thing I can think of that people want the least of for their money (i.e., “Professor, how many classes can we miss?” or “Can we work online and not come to class?”).  We don’t tell a car dealer, “Can I leave out the air conditioning I already paid for?”

Long after you’ve taken most classes, you really don’t remember much about them.

Unless you have discovered the one thing, the big thing, that will bring you success.

We want to succeed, but we’re not always willing to practice.

An Olympian can’t hope for gold, silver or bronze without rehearsing specifically that which can lead to success.

Great golfers say don’t just practice, practice with a purpose.  Hitting tons of balls doesn’t make anyone better at golf.

Focus on becoming skilled at things that really matter.

To be a better salesperson, focus on one thing that will make you better and rehearse it constantly like an Olympic athlete.

If you want to be a better parent, choose one major quality that you want to possess and practice it over and over again.

Most of us have it the wrong way.

We don’t need to be all that smarter.  We just need to practice the right stuff.

Practice with a purpose to rehearse for success.

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Maybe you know someone with a handicap – a child, a friend or perhaps you have one yourself.

My father was a career military man, a major in The United States Army. 

His leg was amputated – not as a result of the war he fought in, but due to the ravages of coronary artery disease.

He lived a “normal” life for a handicapped person from then on doing almost everything he used to do and some things he never dreamed of. 

You heard of the one armed paperhanger?

Not too long after his rehabilitation this determined Italian man wallpapered an entire room on a stepladder without the aid of an assistant becoming a one legged paperhanger. 

There is an amazing TED video by Maysoon Zayid, the Palestinian immigrant who was born with Cerebral Palsy in my beloved home state of New Jersey.  It’s funny, touching and inspiring.  If you have the time you can see it here.

But at least forward to the end when Maysoon talks about being able to overcome just about anything from disease to discrimination – everything except the Internet later in her life.  In a world where some people with a bully mentality go to get mean, the Internet was Maysoon’s biggest concern as an adult.

We know too well that bullying in social media is killing young people these days.

The Internet is also a tool for good – to help others, encourage those needing a kind word, share information and experiences and to become a community.  We must never let the bullies take this great asset away or diminish it.

In golf, a handicap is an asset that allows everyone to play the game on an equal basis.

There is no greater handicap in life than to limit the potential of others because we cannot see their inner fire and determination.

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Amazon boss Jeff Bezos used those words to describe – perhaps disingenuously – the plight of small book publishers who seemingly have no chance to compete against the giant Amazon.

That aside, complaining is not a strategy for anyone.

• Venting is good, obsessing about it not so useful or helpful.
• If you become less judgmental, you will likely complain less.
• Accept responsibility because it will either motivate you to fix your problem or let it go.
• The question to ask when you catch yourself getting ready to complain is would you like to complain or be happy.

I like what football coach Lou Holtz says:  “Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them”.

But you may remember Randy Pausch who famously lectured about life and death during the final days of the disease that claimed his life.  Pausch said, “Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

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When you say, “I’m stressed” you might just as well be saying, “I am the reason I am stressed”.   Blaming circumstances or others doesn’t help as we find out over and over again.

We cannot be stressed without our own expressed permission.

Prioritize rather than multitask.

Take control over digital devices because they are wonderful tools until we let them dictate the flow of daily living.

It’s up to you to clamp down on time wasters – they will never do it voluntarily.

Drama kings and drama queens have no place in our happy lives unless we like the stress they try to bring to us.

Even big problems and/or emergencies are not stress producers.  It is the way we respond.  I chose the word respond not react.  Reacting to circumstances is stressful.  Responding is transformational.

Hurt, disappointment and heartbreak are feelings that it is okay to have but not to dwell on.

A good night’s sleep after a tough day is a stress buster. 

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Few resolutions last even through January.

Good intention, bad idea.

Here’s what agents of change do when they want a proven way to take a good intention and turn it into a life changing strategy.

Focus on only one person.

Maybe it’s you or your spouse, your boss, a child, a friend.  Think it through.  Who is the one person that if you improved your relationship would bring you more happiness and success?

A long list is useless but identifying the one person who could make a difference in your life allows you to strategize about the various ways to accomplish this.

You may not be surprised to find that many people who are successful at evolving focus on themselves.  Want to he happier?  Spend more family time?  Look for a more fulfilling job?  Want to be nicer to yourself?  More appreciative of what you have?  More resilient?  More confident?  More social?  

Change is difficult enough but without 100% focus it is likely to be unrealized.

This is an intriguing alternative.

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Colin Powell has a great way of putting it.

“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”

As the year comes to an end and we reflect on our accomplishments – and sometimes it’s an accomplishment just making it to the end of the year in one piece – beware that some people do not want us to grow. 

They are human. We are all human.  But it is better to associate with people who can help us achieve that which we desire.  What a great time to think about this!

Powell’s suggestions:

• Never receive advice from unproductive people.
• Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution because those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you.
• Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere.

You become like those with whom you closely associate.

Are you even tougher on yourself than you should be?  We can all relate. 

Maybe we should heed Colin Powell’s advice and be tougher on who we choose as friends.

We elevate our game when we are around achievers.

Sometimes the smartest move you can make is to choose friends wisely and at the same time continue being the fine person you are.

Talk about self-gifting – that sounds like a pretty good one.

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It’s hard at holiday time – and let me just say it — to go on when there is someone missing from our lives.  This may be the first holiday that they are gone or it may be many years.  The emotion is often as strong.

We can’t bring them back – or maybe we can in a very special way.

• Recite the names of departed loved ones who are in your head on a daily basis.  As long as we do not forget, they are alive.
• Pick a trait that the people who you miss the most have and make it your life’s mission to have that trait live on through you.
• Populate your house, desk and office with pictures of people who have died so that you can see them.  I will sometimes even talk to my best friend or my father when I see the picture.  A person’s positive energy never dies.
• Make a meal that reminds you of the person you miss.  I loved my mother’s Italian cooking and every attempt I make to duplicate her great meals becomes a joyous remembrance of her.

Perhaps you will share your ways to keep the memory of someone you miss alive.

Oscar Hammerstein in the musical Carousel wrote:  “As long as there is one person on earth who remembers you, it isn’t over.

The best theory I have ever heard about that negative self-talk that plagues all of us at sometime in our lives is to put a stop/loss on rumination.

Ever notice that a person tormented by negative thinking (perhaps even ourselves) helplessly goes on and on without the hope of breaking that pattern of negative thought.  It’s hard to listen to let alone articulate.

Give it ten minutes.

That’s it – no more, no less.

When you recognize the next bout of negative thinking coming on – go ahead, indulge yourself for ten minutes.  Then it ends.  You move on and hopefully start dealing with the circumstances that have caused all this upset.

Then get away from the problems and focus on you.

Self-care is not selfish.  It is an act of love that we all deserve.

If we took even half the time that we spend on physical fitness for our emotional well being, it would make all the difference in the world.

Researchers and physicians say about half of happiness depends on genetics and the other half comes from things that occur in our everyday life although it is a short duration.

That leaves 12% that is directly in our hands – enough to swing our moods up in the direction of a happier life.

1. Little goals work as well as big life changing goals.  In fact, an endless list of goals tends to make people more consistently happy.
2. Faith, family, community and work are now identified as the main areas of concentration that can help us to influence that 12% that is actually in our hands to use.
3. Money can buy relief from poverty but it can’t buy happiness.  As I’ve suggested before, researchers say that anything over $80,000 a year in compensation doesn’t make individuals happier.  And, of course, The Beatles were right that money can’t buy us love.
4. Satisfaction at work or career goes a long way toward fulfilling that extra 12% of happiness that is within our control.

And here is a little known secret that was shared with me that I now want to share with you.

When we get our minds off of ourselves – even for just a little time every day – and concentrate on others, we immediately become happier.  It’s anti-intuitive to most because it doesn’t directly lead to a resolution of our problem at hand.  But it works.

The first day I tried this I was desperate – everything had seemingly gone wrong.  Focus on others and it is the gift of enlightenment about the elusiveness of happiness.

Christmas is the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ and yet over the past few decades the holiday (some say, “holy” day) has become more secular.

The malls are open but the stores are not as decked out because many of the investment banks that own retail outlets have their bottom line to watch.

This year, financial experts say that the soft economy is impacting the amount of money that can be spent on giving Christmas gifts to others but ironically, at the same time, the practice of self-gifting is growing rapidly.

Presents for yourself.

And retailers are tapping into this (remember, I said this whole thing has become more secular).  Apple is going to be joining lots of other companies with post-Christmas promotions aimed at the giver.  In other words, the 12 days of Christmas has become the 12 days after the 25^th when we can spend the money we got or saved at Christmas.

This is how it is, but there is another type of self-gifting that costs nothing and delivers great rewards:

• Give yourself a break.  Promise yourself many days when you get off your own back.  Perhaps the greatest gift of all is self-forgiveness.  We are human.  We do our best.  We can do better.  But we have done all we can for now.
• Give yourself an IOU.  Every time you do something well, make a significant accomplishment or handle a difficult promise, issue an IOU to yourself to redeem the next time you need a boost of confidence.
• Give your love.  We live in a world focused on being loveable, getting love or having more of it.  Start with yourself.  Let me help.  Finish this sentence:  “I love this about myself”.   How many of these can you come up with?
• Give yourself the gift of dreaming.  Everything good started with a dream from someone whether it is a relationship, a movement, a cause or a business.
• Give yourself the gift of hope.  Life without hope is actually death.  As long as we’re here and we’re on this earth, all things are possible.

Self-gifting at stores before and after Christmas can be fun, but if we’re going to give ourselves a gift, make it one that lasts for a long time to come.

We do more to find ways to live longer than we do to live better.

For some reason, we like diets, and vitamins, exercise, yoga, psychotherapy, medicine and even religion to add more years onto our lives.

Whether you are 18 or 88, the desire is always there.  A Mayo Clinic physician once told me that people who abuse their health often say, “you have to die from something” until it’s time to die.  

Why wait for that doomsday scenario when we can add more productive years to our lives starting right now — today.

By not living a day without an accomplishment, you guarantee more productive years.

Let’s do the math.

If you add up all the days in the past year when you’ve had all you can do to handle life’s problems or at best not accomplish any of your goals, it could be considered a day you’d like to live over.

Multiply that times your life expectancy and you’ve discovered the secret to adding more productive years by making each day one of accomplishment.  Then, if you’re blessed with good health, good genes and a longer lifetime, it gets even better.

When people die they never regret the time they spent well but they almost always wish they could have back the time they squandered.

My own personal goal is to set some goals (business, personal, health and family) everyday and shoot for at least one accomplishment a day.

Live life with no regrets.

There it was in a New York Times article about Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme victims five years later.

A man who sold his business and put the proceeds in the ill-fated Madoff scheme said, “When your life gets altered overnight, you realize you don’t have to keep doing everything you’ve been doing.  You don’t need to belong to a country club, or drive an expensive car or buy expensive jewelry”.

Previously I have written about studies that show any more than $80,000 a year is more than you need to be happy.

You may not agree, but the majority of those polled did not assess their own lives as being happier because they earned more money, had more things, went to more places.

Often when people simplify their lives, they increase their happiness and now we know that there is research evidence to back it up.

So, for those of us who have seen our world overturned, there is hope.

I used to tell my USC music industry students that Hollywood was filled with people who have more money than you could ever dream of but far less happiness.

In fact, even if our lives aren’t altered overnight, the remedy is the same.

Do more of the things you crave and not earn more money at the expense of happiness.

Money is a good thing.  It’s just not a happiness pill.

We can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food, spending money we don’t have by shopping. 

We can even become addicted to religion.

For many years Alcoholics Anonymous has been a fabulous resource for many people looking to overcome their addictions.

But the essence of changing a life around is one word.

Choice.

At some point, if we’re really serious about dealing with our problems, we have to make a choice – a decision, a new plan to forge ahead.

And when we’re tempted to go back, we have to constantly remember that life isn’t living us, we are living life – in other words, we are knowingly making a choice.

This concept goes beyond addiction.  It also applies to success and happiness.

We may be downtrodden, but we have a choice to fight back.

We may have gotten the worst break and our lives are off track, but it is up to us if we are going to focus on the one thing that will bring us back – the choice.

When people allow their lives to go bad, they cannot fix it with co-dependent people surrounding them.

They need to face up to the fact that if they don’t make a choice, their lives will never change.

Choice is a freeing thing.

But it is also, an instant confidence builder. 

Finally resolve the issues that you have been wrestling with – choose a path – and just the act of making that choice will palpably make you feel more confident and happy.

You’ve heard of unemployment – actually, it seems like we’ve heard nothing but that for years.

And there is “over-qualified” which is usually said when we don’t get the job we want when we have more than enough skills to do.

But have you ever heard of under-employment?

That’s what Millennials are facing as they come of age in an economy that doesn’t offer the promise that their parents had when they first entered the workforce.

Actually, Millennial parents are facing under-employment as well because business experts say that if a person loses their career after the age of 50, it may be the last career job they ever have.

The cure for under-employment is redeployment.

Adapt to the new world.  Go back to school.  Chase another dream.

Here is what I advise audiences when I speak on this topic:

1.  Make a list of 5 things that you would like to do with your life without regard to your education, experience or current position.

2.  You may not put anything to do with your current field of work on that list – after all, we’re looking to stretch ourselves here.

3.  Resist the temptation to leave something off that list because you are not trained for it or because you think you’re too young or too old.

4.  Take as much time as you need to come up with 5 viable ideas.  If you can throw this list together in one day, throw the list out.  This takes forethought.

What you will find is that if you’re an orthopedic surgeon and tired of practicing medicine, you may want to go into fashion.

That’s exactly what Taryn Rose, M.D. did – she left medicine to design comfortable and fashionable shoes for women and men.  

Are you willing to stretch yourself to find a new beginning?

And it’s never too late – as Colonel Sanders found out when he founded his fast food business well past middle age.

The “secret recipe” to surviving under-employment is to transcend what the marketplace has to offer us at any given time and get to what we have to offer now.


A friend that I respect told me several months ago that I was letting other people live my life.

He had to be a good friend to say that to me, right?

But what he told me has reordered my life and I would like to tell you about it.

We can get advice from others – sometimes good advice, sometimes not so good.

We can get help from those around us.

We can hear reality checks like the man who told a successful entrepreneur I know, “Are you sure you want to take this risk?”  Years later this man marveled at what the entrepreneur accomplished.

But the one thing we must never do is let anyone tell us what we can or cannot accomplish.

You’re never too young to achieve success.

You’re never too scared to take a prudent risk.

We don’t get to outsource our dreams to another person because they are our dreams and no one will ever see them the way we do.


I heard recently Friday of a man who was diagnosed with incurable cancer who was told in no uncertain terms to get his affairs in order.

So, he gave his money away to loved ones and braced himself for the inevitable.

That was 9 years ago!

This man is still alive and now “broke”, as he jokes.

Doctors must be honest but they must never take away hope because without hope men and women cannot face another day.

I have not been able to get this story out of my mind because in so many ways we tend to become despondent about the future when adversity strikes and, wouldn’t you agree, terminal cancer is about as hopeless as it gets?

The reality is that there is always hope.

People overcome all sorts of odds every day.  Even divorce, unemployment, health issues and unrealized dreams can be salvaged.

So, two things this morning:

1.  Give yourself hope that you can overcome all odds because it is amazing what hope can do.

2.  Give the gift of hope to someone else – a child, a friend, a person down and out in the face of adversity.

Hope is the fuel that keeps us going.

If you want to be popular, find ways to say yes as much as possible.

Want to sell more things?  Get to yes and avoid no.

One important caveat:  never promise what you cannot deliver or it will be the shortest popularity contest you ever won.

But what about no?

There is a time to stop saying yes.

• When your boundaries are breached.  Anyone that pushes you to a place where you are uncomfortable or abuses you gets an immediate, firm and non-retractable “no”.  Period.
• “I Don’t” works better than “I Can’t”.   “I don’t” is a sign of affirmation, an affirmation of willpower.  I can’t is restricting and really isn’t a choice so it tends to undermine our power.  
• Say “No” to something instead of somebody.  If possible, direct the no to the deed and not the person unless the message is not getting through.

Often we look for complex things to help us in our relationships with others.

But sometimes we are empowered when we use “yes” as much as possible when we want to help someone and “no” when we need to protect ourselves and our boundaries.

There you have it – something I think is worth sharing with the people you care about most.

If there is a topic you’d like me to address tell me about it here.

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Sleep more.

Easy to say, not always easy to do.

Negative thoughts get processed by one part of the brain (the amygdala, to be precise) and positive thoughts are processed by a separate part of the brain (hippocampus).  But when we become sleep deprived, the hippocampus takes the brunt and we focus on negative thoughts instead of happy ones.

In one experiment outlined in the book Nature Shock sleep deprived college students tested could remember 81% of words with negative connotations (like “cancer”) but only 31% of words that were positive or neutral.

Other studies show we overreact to negative emotions and fear when we need more sleep.

Sleep is one tough project, but here are some things that I would like to share that have helped me tremendously. 

• Sleep with an app.  My wife discovered that the new Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly told his players to download an app called Lark and buy the watchband that they would wear to clock their sleep every night.  It communicates by Bluetooth and reports on the quality of sleep, duration, disturbances and gives hints on how to improve it.
• Sleep 7-8 Hours nightly.  I refused.  Said I couldn’t do it until I had to face that app every morning and slowly but surely started averaging sleep in the healthy range.  There is no getting around it, we humans all need 7-8 hours of sleep a night no matter how we say we can get by without it.
• Wake up no more than 10 times a night.  As Lark teaches, if you awaken more than 10 times nightly – even without being aware of it – you may need to see a doctor about sleep apnea, a major disruptor of good healthy sleeping.

I have no financial interest in Lark and there are certainly lots of other alternatives out there, but one thing is for sure.  If we take a methodical, positive approach to improving our sleep, it can be the best happiness pill in the world.

If you decide to focus on sleep, I’d love to know your experiences.  Good luck – Jerry

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Dale Carnegie said it best when he said, “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion”.

If we all could just be more logical life would be easier.

But we are creatures of emotion and that requires a different approach.

• Compare beliefs and attitudes plus personal quirks with others.  This is the best way to see how your style conflicts with others.
• React objectively and without emotion.  Difficult people are easier to handle in situations where we are not stirring up emotions needlessly.
• Bring conflict into the open.  When conflict exists but is suppressed, it is more monumental to deal with than when the facts are laid out in the open.
• Negotiate differences with others.  Deals aren’t the only things that can be negotiated.  If you’re willing to compromise, even difficult people cannot resist a good deal.
• Adjust your behavior.  When we find ourselves frequently in conflict due to difficult personalities of others, we must also have the courage to look to ourselves and where we can alter behavior.

This advice from Roberta Cava says it all:  “You can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control your responses to it” and we’ll never run out of opportunities to practice — Jerry

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