A family member or dear friend cannot be replaced, but in healing we learn how to accept their death and find a new place for them in our lives as we move on.

But death isn’t the only great personal loss.

The loss of a job or career can be catastrophic.  Those who successfully move beyond career crises rebuild their lives not just searching for a new job.

The loss of youth must be dealt with by everyone and not just the elderly.  A 40-year-old is not a 21-year-old and those who navigate through aging in a healthy way do it by looking forward to the future not being stuck in the past.

The loss of a marriage or a meaningful relationship calls upon us to first heal and then learn from what may have gone wrong so that we can become better mates and partners.

The secret to overcoming great personal loss is not the obvious replacement of what was lost with something else.

Some things just can’t be replaced.

We surmount great personal loss when we add some great personal gain. 

Nothing is sadder than a person who fails to create situations in which they gain new experiences, opportunities and friends.

Loss must be offset by gains.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” – Norman Cousins

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I heard Claude Julien, the Boston Bruins hockey coach who won a Stanley Cup a few years ago and has led his team to the finals again this year, say he has had his present job for six years and has been fired 5 times. 

It goes with the territory.

Julien is right. 

We no longer live in an era where we can expect to work for one to three companies in our entire career.  Millennials are lucky to find a good job and Baby Boomers have worked for as many as three times the number of employers than their parents worked for.

What’s noteworthy about Julien’s comments is that getting fired is now an accretive part of pursuing your career ambitions.

But we have to change the stigma that surrounds it.

I was once fired for increasing a major market radio station’s ratings from 400,000 listeners to 1.1 million.  That’s right, fired for succeeding.  And that happens a lot today because decisions on firings are made by venture capital owners and market leaders and by the companies who follow their lead.

By the way, the guy who fired me murdered his wife and killed himself for allegedly stealing from the boss.  No consolation but it shows you that the decision maker doesn’t always think straight.

So, time for a change of attitude.

Getting fired today is not all that personal an affront.  It’s often an opportunity.

Do not waste time wallowing in the hurt and self-pity that can be generated by losing your job and refocus on the wonderful opportunity to move on and succeed another day.

“You’re fired!  No other words can so easily and succinctly reduce a confidence, self-assured executive to an insecure, groveling shred of his former self” – Frank Louchheim

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We have pills for just about every condition and malady that human’s can think of and yet we don’t have a true happy pill.

As doctors will readily tell you, when drug companies test antidepressants to win FDA approval, the results almost always show that a placebo (an inert pill or what we call a sugar pill) turns out to be just as effective as these powerful and expensive drugs.

It turns out the mind is the most potent medication of all.

So, here are a few “happy pills” which have only one side effect – addiction to them:

1. Viktor Frankl survived years of incarceration during World War II and lost his new bride to death at a concentration camp.  Yet he emerged with the notion that life is still worth living and wrote Man’s Search for Meaning to drive home the point.  And, what is our problem again?  I often think about this when I have something big draining my happiness.  Take this in the morning and it puts big problems in perspective the rest of the day.
2. We hate when cable and phone companies “bundle” their services forcing us to buy something we don’t want with something we do.  So unbundle the need to have everything make you happy when even one small thing can feel just as good.  Everything going our way is not necessary to be happy.  Just recognizing one thing that does will do.
3. When friends disappoint, forgive.  The act of forgiving makes us happy every time we employ it.
4. Dealing with life’s problems – not necessarily solving them – makes us feel empowered and therefore happy.  Some problems go away on their own.  Some cannot and therefore we must learn to accept but most others take much longer to be resolved so ask, “Why postpone happiness?”
5. The most potent “happy pill” is making someone else happy.  A friend used to call me and say, “You’re a good man”.  Do a nice deed.  Try to surprise someone this very minute – an action that will make them happy.  The little known rule is that happiness is as contagious as a yawn.  You don’t have to be on the receiving end to get the benefit.

Sometimes medications, therapy and the warmth of a friend can do wonders, but when we find the need to be real happy real quick, try one of these “happy pills”.

“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the cultivation of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being” — Dalai Lama

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We have information on-demand through Google.

And TV shows and movies on-demand from Netflix.

How can we get self-confidence on-demand for those important times when we need an extra boost?

1. Repeat the following mantra:  “I’ve done it before so I can do it again”.
2. Think of similar times when you’ve achieved something that took confidence even if it does not directly apply to the situation at hand (i.e., you need an extra boost of confidence for an upcoming presentation but you have no precedent so imagine when you, say, were a really good friend to someone in need). 
3. The thing about confidence is that it is not about finding something in the present that you did well previously.  Confidence knows no such limitations.  Therefore, anything that makes us feel good about ourselves is self-confidence on-demand.
4. Your secret weapon:  Just trying is a powerful injection of self-confidence.  No one ever said we had to speak before a group, go to a new school or start a new job, go on an interview or meet someone new first before we had the self-confidence to do so.

As Teddy Roosevelt said, “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

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The one thing that must never happen is to allow another person to cross over our boundaries.

Boundaries are the things that matter to us and constitute the essence of our being – our values, our ethics, our morals.

Some people have a way of pushing these boundaries and sometimes they inappropriately cross over them.  That’s when it’s time to defend.

Rule 1:  No one may cross your boundaries.  No one, no matter and particularly how close to you their relationship may be.

Rule 2:  If they do, their efforts will be pushed back.

Rule 3:  Continued attempts to violate your boundaries will lead to a suspension and eventual end of your relationship and the abuse.

Rule 4:  Set up an imaginary virtual boundary on the values, ethics and morals that make us who we want to be (a mind picture).  Then when another person gets uncomfortably close to your boundaries, send a strong message that you will walk away from that kind of behavior if it doesn’t stop immediately.  If it continues, you must act.

Sexual harassment.  Verbal and elder abuse.  Abuse that results from drinking, drugs or other extenuating circumstances are serious violations of your airspace.

But things that make us feel badly about ourselves and disrespect for our personal boundaries also constitute violations of individual boundaries and should be terminated.

Employers and coworkers who degrade, manipulate or blatantly disrespect us are also abusers and their efforts can lead to a diminution of self-esteem and confidence.

Fortunately most people largely respect the boundaries of others, but for the odd person who knows no boundaries, it is our responsibility to recognize the intrusion, stop it and end the relationship if necessary.

This is also an important thing to teach children who are particularly vulnerable.

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt

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There are endless ways to reduce stress both physical and psychological and if you’re like me, we’ve tried them endless times without much success.

Here are the thoughts that work for me.  Perhaps they might help you as well:

1. Whatever is going on will likely be insignificant by tomorrow.  For everything else, there is courage.  Look back on yesterday’s stressors to see what I mean.

2. I’m not going to let what’s stressing me now run roughshod over me without a fight.  Often just saying those words is enough to break the stress.

3. The best stress buster is – whatever is worrying me or freaking me out has only a 1% chance of happening.  That’s true.  Psychologists say we worry about things that have a 99% chance of never happening.

4. When stress between two people becomes palpable, the solution is to communicate the best we can with the other person.  Taking the initiative is an automatic stress reducer and if opening a line of communication helps, then we achieve peace.  If others cross our safe boundaries, defending them is invigorating and builds our confidence.

Almost anything that involves putting stress front and center helps it from gnawing away at our health and happiness.

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened” – Michel De Montaigne

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Many times we humans know exactly what we need to do when faced with a problem.

We just don’t always do it.

To put it another way, our instincts are better than we give ourselves credit for.

For example, we often know when it’s time to look for a new job or career, but we stay longer than we know we should.

We sense when a relationship has gone stale because we often seek the help of a professional to help us through it.  Yet, we move painfully slow.  Many psychologists say by the time a couple gets to their office, it’s often too late.

We know when something is not right between us and loved ones or friends but we stew and avoid confronting the other person.

So if we know, why do we not act?

Courage is like adrenaline in a crisis.  It’s there when we need it.

I had a high school math teacher who told an unforgettable story about how he and his wife were in a rollover accident after which he had to lift the car off of his injured wife who fell out of the car to save her life.

No problem, adrenaline kicked in.  He was 5’6” by the way and it was a big car.

I’ve always looked at courage the same way.

When we need it most, we must let it kick in.  We must take action to confront what we know in our heart of hearts we must do.  It is always available as a tool.

“Pearls do not lie on the seashore.  If desire one, you must dive for it” – Oriental proverb

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It’s not really about making the boss like you.

Not necessarily getting another degree.

Not so much always working late.

Not even being the best and the brightest because sometimes even they aren’t the person a company can’t live without.

The number one guaranteed way to be the most valuable person in your company is to continually show your employer how you add value to the company.

It’s that simple.

Can you help make more money?  Save more money?  Come up with great ideas? Work skillfully with other people?  Bring the best out of people?

It’s relatively easy for employers to part with employees in the digital age because employees rarely see themselves as people who can add value to the company.  Instead, we tend to gather up skills, work long hours, stress ourselves out and in the end find that we’re not getting the compensation or security we think we’ve earned.

Add value to the company you work for in every way you can and on a consistent ongoing basis – this is the indispensible employee of tomorrow.

“Creating value is what distinguishes good employees from those you simply can’t do without. Creating value is what makes you irreplaceable” – Kelsey Meyer, Forbes

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If you’ve ever used or heard the phrase “if I knew then what I know now” you have come to appreciate the benefits of learning from the past.

History repeats itself because too often we fail to learn from it – it’s that simple.

To be shortsighted is to have a lack of foresight.

That’s why when people remarry, they often marry the same type of person they divorced. 

Why we keep taking jobs in an industry we know, instead of an industry that we’d like to get to know.

It is within our power this very day to start learning from the past and applying that wisdom to the future.

We’re often advised to live in the present and not the past or the future.

Sound advice.

But the past is replete with many lessons that are worth thinking more seriously about because the past is the road map that tells us where we’ve been and how we got there. 

The future is uncharted waters for even the most gifted predictors of what’s ahead.

Now is a great time to learn more about ourselves from where we’ve been and it can make all the difference in the world.

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward” – Soren Kierkegaard

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Whether you are spiritual or not, here is the best way to deal with life’s challenges.

“Do the best that you can and put it in God’s hands”

If you’re not religious, working hard to resolve a problem and giving up control is another way to look at it.

Many people do not believe that their lives are pre-determined and that how they deal with adversity doesn’t matter.

It does.

Out of bad comes good because working hard to grapple with life’s issues is transformative.

So, the next time you are faced with adversity, do the best that you can and put it in the hands of a higher power.

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Clinical psychologist Meg Jay says 30 is not the new 20.

And that 80% of life’s most defining moments happen by our mid-30’s.

The first ten years of a career, which usually begins in earnest during our 20’s has exponential impact on earning power – that’s how important that decade is.

The brain rewires itself for adulthood in the 20’s so as Dr. Jay says if you want to change it, that’s the time.

Our personalities change in our 20’s more than any other time of life.

Today, postponing this important ten-year progression is validated by society.  We’re making a mistake by telling 20-somethings that they have an “extra” ten years yet to accomplish the important things that usually begin in their 20’s.

But this applies to all age groups.

There is always tomorrow. 

We’re living longer.

We can multitask and cram everything in life in.

But it’s actually the opposite.

Whether true or not, the secret is to live as if today is the last day we have.  That feeds the urgency necessary to live life to the fullest and keep growing at any age.

“To achieve great things, you need a plan and not enough time” – Leonard Bernstein

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The difference between fear thought and forethought is that fear thought is the negative thinking that makes life worse for all of us and forethought is the positive way to realistically look ahead to deal with problems.  

Sometimes just knowing the difference makes all the difference.

When we fear the future, we get what we fear even though 99% of what we fear will never happen.

When we plan for the future, we are actively dealing with potential problems.

Fear thought paralyzes us.

Forethought empowers us.

Never spend a moment fearing the future because the odds are in your favor that your fears will never be realized although you may make yourself sick and unhappy.

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When I taught generational media at the University of Southern California, I used to share thoughts about life to my students in the final minutes of class.

Last week, one of my students posted it on Facebook for all her friends to see.  It was an inspirational passage about the freeing benefits of taking risks and I’d like to share it with you today:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach for another is to risk involvement.

To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To believe is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.”

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The more a salesperson sells me, the more I don’t want to buy. 

The more someone tries to win me to their way of thinking, the more resistant I become.

And we’re being sold something constantly through advertising, popup ads, search, billboards and those around us.

So here is the secret to getting someone to listen to you.

Listen to them.

The sales guru Tom Hopkins is known for teaching a technique where a “champion” salesperson gathers information and looks for validation before asking for the sale.

“Would you like it in red?”

“Yes”

“I’ll make a note of it”

Listening and not talking is the key to getting people to opt in on what you have to say, or what you think.

Listening is so hard.  It seems to be against everything we’re taught in life.  To pursue what we want and do it vigorously.

Ironically, the secret to influencing others is to be skilled at sincerely listening to them.

Here are 6 ways to persuade and influence others from Steve Bressert, PhD:

1. People are more willing to comply with requests (for favors, services, information, and concessions) from those who have provided such things first.

2. People are more willing to be moved in a particular direction if they see it as consistent with an existing or recently-made commitment which is why when shopping for a car you are asked “What qualities are you looking for?” in a car.

3. People are more willing to follow the directions or recommendations of someone they view as an authority.

4. People are more willing to take a recommended step if they see evidence that many others, especially similar others are taking or buying or using it.

5. People find objects and opportunities more attractive to the degree that they are scarce, rare, or dwindling in availability.

6. People prefer to say yes to those they know and like.

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” – Dale Carnegie

Millennials – the 80 million or so people who are coming of age in Gen Y – have many admirable characteristics not the least of which is pursuing their dreams.

We’re never too young or too old to chase our passions in life.

There is no total number of dreams we are allowed.  Everything counts – home, work, relationships, friends, causes.  We can have more than one at a time.

Dreaming is not easily outsourced to another, it must come from within.  No one can have your dream of the future exactly the way you want it and no one other than ourselves should be asked to be responsible for it.

People who discourage should be avoided because the guaranteed best way to dash your dreams is to allow someone else to tell you what isn’t possible.

Is there a dream that you want to pursue?  If so, it will not find you.  You will have to find it.

Try this.

Name 5 dreams you have for yourself.  Think big – the bigger the better but they don’t have to be earthshattering.

Think “can” instead of “can’t”.

Start today and never look back until you fulfill your dreams.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them” – Walt Disney.

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How long is it normal to mourn a loss?

As long as we are able to go on with our day-to-day activities there is no timetable on mourning.

Television’s “Mister Rogers” in an interview with Karen Herman once had the ultimate challenge.  I’ll let Fred Rogers tell it in his own powerful words.

“My greatest challenge?  I suppose to walk through the door and sing ‘It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ when I have had a real sadness in my life. I had to go to Miami one hour after my father’s funeral because they were having a Mister Rogers Day there that could not be cancelled. We had 23 fifteen-minute performances in one day. I had to sing ‘It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ for each one of them.”

Gratitude is the elixir for sadness.

The more grateful we remain, the more we can live life with all its up and downs.

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Organizational psychologist Adam Grant never turns down an opportunity to help others.

Grant is the youngest-tenured and highest rated professor at Penn’s Wharton School. He has published more papers in his field’s top journals than those who have spent a lifetime trying.

This guy is the opposite of the four-hour workweek.

A full inbox is an opportunity to help, not just tantamount to answering emails.

When you look to helping others succeed, you succeed.  No one ever failed who also helped another.

Grant says there are givers, takers and matchers:

“The takers are people who, when they walk into an interaction with another person, are trying to get as much as possible from that person and contribute as little as they can in return, thinking that’s the shortest and most direct path to achieving their own goals”.

“At the other end of the spectrum, we have this strange breed of people that I call “givers.” It’s not about donating money or volunteering necessarily, but looking to help others by making an introduction, giving advice, providing mentoring or sharing knowledge, without any strings attached”.

“A matcher is somebody who tries to maintain an even balance of give and take. If I help you, I expect you to help me in return. [They] keep score of exchanges, so that everything is fair and really just”.

If this intrigues you as it does me, try what Adam Grant does.  He hardly ever says no to the “five-minute favor”. 

Here is an interview with Adam Grant, author of Givers and Takers that describes the benefits and research that backs up the concept that helping others helps us.

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I’ve come across a powerful paragraph that jumps starts our ability to transcend living in the past or future so we can fully enjoy and concentrate on the now. 

I thought I would share this with you from Gina Lake’s “Living In the Now:  How To Live As The Spiritual Being That You Are”:

“The ego is always trying to improve on the present moment, but instead, it ruins it with its dissatisfaction. It tells us the present moment would be better if: “if I had more money,” “if I were in a relationship,” “if I were thinner,” “if I were better looking,” “if I lived somewhere else,” “if that hadn’t happened,” “if I hadn’t…,” “if I had…,” and on and on.  Those are all lies. None of those things change your experience of the moment unless you believe they do. If you believe you need anything else to be happy, you won’t enjoy the moment. You won’t really let yourself fully experience it. If you don’t believe you need anything more to be happy than what’s here right now, you discover you have everything you need”.

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The professional golf instructor Sandy LaBauve has a great way of balancing happiness with productivity.

Think of what is important to you as the four tires on a car.

It may be faith, exercise, family and work.  Substitute your own priorities.

What drives you?

Then – and this is the part that will help keep life in balance when one of these “tires” needs inflating —  you devote attention to the one that is going flat and pump it up.

That way you’re literally always in the driver’s seat in achieving all four of the things that make you happy and productive.

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals and values are in balance” – Brian Tracy

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The author Pico Iyer wrote a piece in The New York Times over a year ago that I have not been able to get out of my mind.

It was called The Joy of Quiet.

But joy is not the only benefit – it is increase productivity and a happier life.

Iyer wrote, “The more ways we have to connect, the more many of us seem desperate to unplug”.

In 2007 Intel mandated 4 hours of quiet time every Tuesday morning for 300 engineers and managers.  No phone.  No email.  Most of those participating recommended that it be extended to others.

The average office worker, by the way, gets only three minutes of uninterrupted time according to researchers.

The average American teen sends 75 text messages a day.

And the average American spends at least eight and a half hours in front of some type of screen each day.

We’ve got no time to think, enjoy, interact or recharge.

Iyer suggests an “Internet Sabbath” every weekend – no online connections from Friday night until Sunday morning.  Okay, that’s not going to work for me.

There’s yoga, meditation and tai chi.

Long walks on weekends without a cell phone.

Nicholas Carr, author of The Shallows about how much time we spend online, suggests that people who spend time in rural settings “exhibit greater attentiveness, stronger memory and generally improved cognition.  Their brains become calmer and sharper”.

Even simply becoming aware that a lack of quiet is a problem empowers us to find a workable personal solution.

“When things come at you very fast, naturally you lose touch with yourself” – Marshall McLuhan

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