I’m sorry.

Not “sorry IF I offended you”

Plus the specific reason why.

And what I will do to make it right.

Recently a CEO of a startup told 35,544 customers he was sorry for badly packaged, late delivery of squeezable bottles of olive oil.

He was thanked for his honesty, some even declined to take advantage of his make-up discount saying they’d buy again at the full price as a result of the apology.

Humans make mistakes, what’s wrong with a heartfelt apology?

But apologizing for the same thing over and over usually backfires even if the apology is perfect.

Scientific studies of the brain show that improving psychological resilience just 5% can lower risk of mental health issues by 15%.

That means even addressing mental health strengthening delivers triple the benefits.

Adults and especially young people are suffering from anxiety, stress and depression at a high rate – in fact, it has become an epidemic.

To get there focus on small victories that offer immediate reward and gratification.

“Positive reframing” – what we do when we remind people to be grateful and look on the bright side may actually be making things worse.

Inspired by a recent article by David Brooks, it’s better to “hear, respect and love the person” – to show you haven’t given up on them or walked away.

That is powerful stuff not only for those suffering from discouragement or even depression but for those of us looking for the right words to a help support a friend.

Those are the words of the losing Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts who led his team to an unlikely storybook season that collapsed in the final half of the Super Bowl when they lost to the Kansas City Chiefs.

“You either win or you learn,” Hurts said. “That’s how I feel. You either win or you learn. Win, lose, I always reflect on the things I could have done better, anything you could have done better to try and take that next step. That’ll be the same process I always have going on.”

The next sweetest victory is the one that comes from how you handle defeat today.

Today, assume everyone you work with will go on to be equally or more successful than you.

Assume you will work for them some day.

This is the formula of mutual respect that brings the best out of people, eliminates needless judging and avoids the urge to dismiss others who have yet to gain prominence.

Think the best about people because it is in your best interest.

“When you’re living for the approval of strangers, and that is where you derive all of your joy and fulfillment, one bad thing can cause everything to crumble…when people decided I was wicked and evil and conniving and not a good person, that was the one I couldn’t bounce back from because my whole life was centered around it” – Taylor Swift

Your life is not an election.

No need to campaign for consensus.

Lead and let others follow.

One billion dollars was the estimated total of betting in states that allow it for this year’s Super Bowl.

State and local lotteries attract almost $30 billion on the chance each year.

The odds of winning the Mega Millions lottery are slightly worse than Powerball at 1 in 302.6 million.

This is not about betting – it’s about how quickly most folks are to defy the odds for a chance to be a winner.

Yet on a personal level, many have a hard time betting on their own chances to succeed in various areas of their lives.

My longtime friend John Parikhal inspired this morning’s thought that I’d like to share.

The great football coach Vince Lombardi went against the grain of coaching of his time.

Most coaches showed players the things they had done wrong in game films – and even today most still do.

Vince Lombardi only showed them what they had done right.

He knew that they would focus on replicating the right moves rather than trying to avoid the wrong ones.

The more we emphasize what’s wrong, the harder it is to get to what’s right.

For decades it was widely thought that it took at least 30 days to create a new habit.

There’s more recent research from a 2009 study that indicates it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days which is either less time than previously thought or almost the better part of a year.

Here’s a better metric.

If you don’t start now, the time to effect a change will be infinite because change is not possible until a commitment is made to look at things differently, come up with a workable plan and persevere until a new habit is achieved.

In other words, it’s not how long it takes but how much longing you have to change things.

With less than a week until the next Super Bowl between the Eagles and Chiefs, there’s another playbook that fans could consult.

In sports, two teams show up with the intention of winning but people often show up to work or whatever else matters with some question as to whether they will succeed.

That’s never a question in sports.

When one team wins, they enjoy their victories endlessly — for the rest of us, when we have a success, we often move on too quickly shortcutting the “celebration”.

The loser in sports licks their wounds, learns from their mistakes but can hardly wait to play another day for a chance to win the next time – but we often get stuck in disappointment, overlook the lessons adversity can teach us and fail to have that eager anticipation to try again in the future.

The Super Bowl of psychology is always bet on yourself.

Showing kindness towards others actually works wonders on anxiety and depression according to a new study.

Did you really need a study to know that?  Probably not.

We get caught in our own problems AND the issues, fears and worries of others that bring us down.

How does doing acts of kindness for others help us?

It gets our mind off of our problems, furthers connections with others which has been proven to relieve depression.

Big or small acts that benefit others or make others happy.

Philadelphia Flyers head coach John Tortorella ordered the removal of iPads on the bench typical used by players to view their shift on the ice.

Why?

He wants the players to focus more on what they will do the next time they jump on the ice, not looking at the last one.

It seems to have worked as the team which has struggled all season is winning more than losing at midpoint with the removal of iPads.

I emphasize to my NYU students, our digital devices exist to serve us and there are times when we do better focusing our attention on the next task up rather than getting caught up in the past.

In Philly, there was a man named Les Waas who formed the Procrastinators Club just for fun and celebrated all the holiday months after they occurred much to the delight of members of the local media – me included.

Waas wouldn’t like the study I saw the other day that says there is a way to fix procrastination, the delay or postponement of action either because the task is too big or we’re not ready to do it.

The answer:  short-term rewards

Research shows lesser but more frequently rewards for working on our tasks gets better results than waiting until it is finished even if the final reward is bigger and more attractive.

It doesn’t work – studies show those who multitasked during cognitive tasks experienced an IQ decline similar to being up all night without sleep.

And The Cleveland Clinic says multitasking doesn’t work because when our brain bounces from task to task we become less efficient.

Only 2.5% of us can effectively multitask.

We already know what it’s like to feel slammed all the time.

Now we know that taking on more than we can handle only makes it worse.

But wait, there’s hope.

Multitasking by doing a cognitive task while also enjoying a passive experience such as simultaneously listening to music is fine.

“I’m sorry IF I” is not an apology.

A real apology is to own up to what you’ve done and be ready for the consequences.

Shifting the blame is useless.

When the other person has been hurt, it is not about us, it’s about them and how we can make things right.

People don’t like you for who you are, they like you for how they feel about themselves in your presence.

If you help people love themselves in your presence, that is the key to relationships and that is the key to reputation.

Wisdom from Dr. Amit Sood, who emphasizes resiliency as a path toward happiness.

Cutting screen time is not easy but in five years I have seen an increase among my young students in the use of paper.

Digital devices are not allowed in class, they take great notes with pen and paper.

Several each semester “discover” a paper calendar and/or to-do list which they rave about as a great way to manage their time – digital devices are capable but also loaded with distractions.

Some even read books, the kind that are printed in addition to what’s available online.

And I’ve come to discover their reasoning:  spend less time with screens which they acknowledge as being deleterious to their health causing sleep problems and increased anxiety.

Reducing screen time doesn’t mean throwing away your phone, it simply means putting it in the best place to work for you.

Looking for happiness is a noble thought but not as productive as building resilience to help with overcoming adversity.

Happiness flows out of confronting tough breaks, tough times and sometimes even tough people.

Amit Sood, the Mayo Clinic physician who is helping NYU develop its anti-stress program for students is the founder of the Global Center for Resiliency and Wellbeing which educates about stress and how it affects the mind, body and overall health.

The goal is happiness, the means to get there is strengthening resilience.

Tell them the one thing that makes them special to you and then give an example.

This type of feedback works – I ask my students to listen to presentations and then comment on them by saying what they liked and then giving a specific example.

Everyone smiles.

Don’t wait for a funeral to think about how you value a real friend – tell them and give evidence.

That’s a living compliment – try it today.

The person who wants it the most is the one who fails and keeps trying.

If there is a limit to the number of times you’ll pick yourself up off the floor and start all over again, then you’d like it but not have to have it.

Everything – happiness, friendship, money, joy – is not going to come down from a cloud and bestow itself on us – we have to endlessly try to get what we desire.

Today I’m going to get up faster and try again.

If you’re reading DayStarters for the first, time subscribe below (it’s free).