What comes first – happiness or success?

Psychologists’ offices are filled with successful people who are not happy.

Happiness is a goal unto itself.

Once happiness is accomplished, success follows.

It rarely if ever works the other way around.

Being happy requires the type of commitment that most “successful” people seem willing to make to their careers.  The sacrifice.  The hours.  The frustrations.  And postponed gratification.

What makes you happy?

How much of your day is devoted to things that don’t contribute to your happiness?

Once you have a better idea of the types of things – major or simple – that bring you happiness, then you are likely to also be on the road to success in other areas of your life.

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If dreams alone counted, everyone would be a success.

But dreams and schemes that do not have a plan do not have a chance.

Study effective people and you find that they have an innate ability to take their desires and put together a plan of action.

Talk to them and find out that often that plan changes – sometimes in the middle of being enacted but they always start with a plan.

What gets done first?

What does it look like?

What steps must follow?

Who will help?

What resources are needed?

Big dreamers who get to realize their dreams are also big planners.

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We wouldn’t start playing a softball game by first saying “I probably won’t win”.

That’s the wrong message.

We’d probably say “we’re going to win” or “we’re going to have fun” or simply “play ball” and see what happens.

When preparing a presentation, how often have you heard “I hate to speak to groups”? Just how well do you think that will go?

The way we talk to ourselves is even more important than the way others speak to us.

Too often we send messages of impending failure.

From now on at the very least, buck yourself up. Say something promising.

I will do my best to make this talk valuable.

I will have fun with the person I am meeting for the first time at dinner by being me 100% and not someone else.

Talk yourself up, don’t run yourself down.

And don’t look for someone else to do this.

It’s your job and the road to success.

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There is no end to evidence that people are burying their faces in their phones and altering the course of their happiness.

At dinner with one of my readers recently, he shared that he was pulling out his phone just to show me pictures not to check his messages.  “I know you don’t like phones at dinner”.

I’ll take it.

All of us can establish the ground rules that we want to live by simply by living them.

When someone pulls out their phone while they are talking to you, stop talking.

If they say “I can multitask”, say nothing until you get their attention back.

If they leave their phone on the table or hold it in their hand, you can’t make them stop, but you don’t have to participate in and encourage more distraction.

I saw a woman sitting with three couples at dinner remove her phone from the table and put in on the bench seat she was in checking it every so often to check messages and even to respond while her companions talked.

We can’t control others’ addiction to their distracting devices but by example, we can get them to pay attention by the way we act.

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Achievers don’t care if they fail.  In fact, they expect more failing than succeeding.

If you go fishing and expect every hook with bait to net you a catch, you’d soon give up fishing.

Self-doubt is created by harboring exceedingly high expectations for ourselves that have little chance of being met.

Jeff Bezos didn’t build Amazon into the amazon that it is by expecting everything he did to succeed.

Google has failed many more times than it succeeded, but when it succeeded, it was big.

Here’s what to build confidence on.

Bet on your ability to keep trying and never quit.  To not expect results every time you do something.

Replace self-doubt with self-assurance that comes from knowing that if it’s worth having, it’s worth pursuing until you get it.

Never doubt yourself ever again.  Why bet against you?

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If you keep bailing people out and fixing their problems, don’t be surprised if they keep coming back to you again and again for more.

When you’re hit up for a loan, don’t be surprised if the recipient after first greeting your generosity with elation winds up resenting you.

More valuable than money is helping someone fix their problems or finding a way to handle the shortfall in revenue that they find themselves in.

It is no gift to make loans or to live another person’s life.

The real gift we have to give is also the one that we give ourselves.

Time.

Help.

Being a good listener and a constant source of encouragement.

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99% of what I am worried about will never happen. 

The 1% that does, will never happen as I fear it.

Imagine the worst thing that can happen, accept it and make it better. 

Get the facts and weigh the facts. 

Be aware of the damage you are doing worrying about what is most likely not going to happen. 

Live in the present not the past. 

The future is not guaranteed so don’t worry about it.

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As a Dale Carnegie instructor, I would ask my students to take a 3×5 card and write down their three biggest most burdensome problems that are affecting their lives at that moment.

They were asked not to put their names on the card.

The cards were collected, shuffled and then re-distributed anonymously to the other students.

Once each person saw their card with someone else’s problems, they all asked for their own cards back.  Never was this not true – not even one time.

Even people who wrote down “I have cancer”, “my wife left me”, “I am unemployed and in debt” wanted their original troubles back compared to those of others.

This gives us clues to the answer on acceptance of life’s burdens.

Everyone has problems and comparing them to what they could be helps us to accept and act on the ones we already have.

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How to be playful.

Carefree.

Laughing.

Uninhibited.

Even parents who are around children all day are not able to act a like child.

After all, they are parents.  They teach.  They bark orders.  They accept the awesome responsibility of parenting.

And they are employees at work.  Accept burdens and duties in return for a salary.

Sons and daughters, husbands, wives and partners in their relationships and all the responsibility that brings.

Still, the ability to be happy, playful, and carefree is the transforming gift children can teach us.

In an era of great anxiety, maybe our little ones have the best answer.

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There is an outbreak of rudeness.

But for every rude person, there is a kind one so nearby you may not realize it.

And, if there isn’t, there’s always you.

My wife was dropping a package off at the UPS office recently when the gal in front of her stepped up to collect a package.  When the clerk asked her for some kind of identification, the customer started with a barrage of cursing and insults that we can’t print here because she would have to go to her car to get her ID.

It is what the clerk said that was the perfect reaction.

As the customer stormed out of the store, the clerk said to the other waiting customers in shock “you never know what kind of a day she had”.  There were no counter-insults or negative responses.

Every time a person or situation hands us an act of rudeness, we have a chance to counter it with compassion and positivity.

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You can change your life by embracing positivity.

You gain control by giving up control

It’s not “I” or “me”, it’s us

You are not your phone

“I will” replaces “I can’t” and “I won’t”

99% of our fears and worries never come true

Different is great

No plan?  No chance

Bad breaks are eventually followed by good fortune

Learn from the past, plan in the future, live in the present

Be the fine person you are

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Good fortune happens in waves.

Even Taylor Swift can’t make hit records forever but she can have a lot of success ahead in entertainment.

Howard Stern was fired numerous times before he got the break of a lifetime at satellite radio.

Even Richard Nixon, disgraced from Watergate, spent the final years of his life as an elder statesman who wrote numerous books on foreign policy.

No one gets all the good breaks.

Or all the bad breaks.

The secret to rebounding from adversity in our lives is to wait it out no matter how long it takes – and it always feels longer than it is – until you catch the next wave of good fortune with your name on it.

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People in jeans and a t-shirt can be as productive as those in suits.

It’s fascinating how we make a positive decision every day when we wake up whether it’s work dress down day or just jeans as usual.

We take the time to choose our clothes.

But we don’t take the time to choose our goals for the day.

Think about it, did you articulate your one or two goals for this day in clear, precise terms?

What a smart time to focus on accomplishments when you’re making a decision about what to wear also articulate what to do to make your day a success.

This habit is more important than the decision on clothes.

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My son’s school had this advice for parents before their children entered grade one.

Enforce an hour of quiet time every school night.

Music, phones, videos are off limits.

They may do anything else as long as they are alone with their thoughts, dreams and desires.  Later, homework became easier to transition to because they adopted quiet time for themselves first.

We all need a useful time out in our busy lives.

A neighbor of mine was having marital troubles and on the second counseling appointment the couple was told to give each other an hour at the end of the day when they see each other again.

Time to disengage from the day’s pressures – personal time.

No phones, no iPads, no cheating.

They never divorced.

We complain a lot about our connected and frenetic world, but all it takes is an hour of quiet time to become the human we want to be – again.

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Popular among college students right now is to sell their anti-anxiety medications for money.

Without the outbreak of anxiety that the connected society is feeling, this would not be possible.

Anxiety is reduced by doing many small things, not one big one.

1. Separate from digital devices.
2. Avoid the black hole of social media where you drill down so far you become addicted to it.
3. Spend the same time face to face with a friend or two as you do on social media with lots of “friends”.
4. Start the day by coming up with something current for which you are grateful.
5. Avoid anxiety producing people and situations exactly as you would the flu.
6. Do 20% of everything in your day that brings you 80% of the reward.
7. To anxiety producers say: “Forgive me, this makes me feel anxious.  I need a moment”.  Often anxiety producers need to hear your time out before they realize they need a time out.
8. Plan your day and identify an accomplishment you want to have.  Finishing something that matters successfully creates endorphins that reduce stress.
9. Tell someone you love them (and why).
10. Start the day by smiling at the first 20 people you see (most of them are probably suffering from anxiety, too).  A smile changes our brainwaves to positive.
11. Remember a person you’ve lost in life and borrow one of the positive qualities they had to keep their memory alive.

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Graduating with top honors from top schools has nothing to do with success.

Being the top-biller or receiving the most awards does not make you better than anyone else.

Fred Smith who founded FedEx had his idea rejected in economics class at Yale by earning a less than stellar C.

Malcolm Gladwell couldn’t get into grad school and now grad schools are reading him.

Richard Branson, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were either high school or college dropouts.

Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard to pursue Facebook which he started in his dorm room.

Being good enough is not about the past but pursuing your dreams – relentlessly if possible.

No one gets to grade you because in the end only you can decide what success is.

And there is no time limit on your next success.

Believe it.

See it vividly in your mind’s eye.

Achieve it.

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Multi-tasking is the enemy.

It encourages us to take on more work all at once potentially at the risk of not doing any of it better.

It also contributes to the outbreak of anxiety that we see in ourselves and our children.

Anyway, there is no reason to do more than one thing at a time.

The trick is to do less and accomplish more.

Choose 20% of everything you have to do on any given day – and thoughtfully pick the 20% that will return the most benefit and you will not need multi-tasking.

Multi-tasking also contributes to distracting us from living in the present, the only place happiness and fulfillment can be found.

More multi-tasking never made anyone happier.

A desk drawer or file folder on a digital device that contains everything that doesn’t represent 20% of the things that will bring you 80% productivity, will be able to be emptied on the first of each new month – undone, because they don’t really need to be done.

“The man who chases two rabbits catches neither” – Confucius

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Mitch Prinstein, a professor of psychology at UNC Chapel Hill, has a new book called Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status Obsessed World.

There is more than one type of popularity and many of us are seeking the wrong kind. 

Likeability “reflects kindness, benevolent leadership and selfless prosocial behavior”.

People who are likeable have more lifelong advantages and health benefits.

Those who achieve popularity by gaining status experience greater unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Those whose goals are to be likeable using the qualities mentioned above have greater satisfaction and success.

When we chase the butterfly of happiness it eludes us.

When we let it come to us by being ourselves uninfluenced by Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or social media, we avoid the black hole of wanting to be liked so much, it has the reverse effect of making us unlikeable.

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About five years ago there was a study that asked two groups of college golfers to putt from a certain distance.

But just before one group made their first attempt, it was revealed that the putter that they were using was that of a professional golfer even though it wasn’t.

A second group was just instructed to putt.

Golfers who THOUGHT that they were using the putter of a professional golfer, made 32% more putts.

Just believing that they had a special club in their hand, improved their ability to sink putts by 32%.

We are also aware of the power of the placebo where when patients are given sugar pills.  They often get the same results as those taking the actual medicine.  This is especially true with anti-depressants.

The mind is the best asset that we are probably not using to our fullest and we can change that whenever we’re ready – even today.

If we can manage to believe in ourselves or what we’re about to do, research tells us again and again that we will do better.

Just one adjustment.

Believe in yourself before you begin.

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1) Smile.

2) Cultivate humility.

Smile at the first 15 or 20 people you see every morning no matter who they are.  You will be surprised at the positive response you get without even saying a word and you will also be happier.

A good radio personality knows that if they smile and act happy when the mic is on, they will sound and be happier.

The most alluring characteristic we are drawn to in another person after being friendly is being humble – and doing it sincerely.

People who are truly successful are comfortable in their own skin and they tend to be humble.

For those of us having a hard time believing this or who can name an arrogant person who seemingly is admired, don’t confuse accomplishments with humility.

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