I have been married three times.

I’ve heard all the jokes about being divorced twice – “Which ex are you talking about?”  Ha, Ha – not funny.

These were not marriages of long duration but enough time to have a child in each, which makes everyone connected forever.

My wife, Cheryl and I have been married for 17 years and going strong.

How is it that I could have been the wrong person for the first and second and been so right for the third?

I am basically the same person with a little growth, I hope.

I wrote a chapter on divorce in my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages which ended with the statement “out of bad marriages come good people”.

Never let a broken relationship break you or your spirit. 

My mother was right (again) – there is someone for everyone.

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” — Robert C Dodds

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I once owned a publication that enjoyed much critical and financial success.

Then, one day without notice a competitor – a good one that should know better – printed a rumor that we were going out of business.

I was beside myself.  Wouldn’t you be?  It was far from true.

But how to deal with badmouthing whether it is public or behind our backs?

I couldn’t – or shouldn’t – take the bait and print a rebuttal.

Could I ignore it?

Readers and advertisers were calling me wanting to know if it was true that the publication was going out of business.

Have you ever felt that way?  All your hard work undermined by a person who badmouths you?

I turned to my friend Malcolm Rosenberg who had helped me through a number of difficult situations previously and I’d like to share his advice with you in case you or someone you know or love has been adversely affected by badmouthing.

Keep doing what you’re doing.

Pay absolutely no attention to the backbiting comments or criticisms.

The best answer is to prove them wrong by doing not by talking or making excuses.

In time, the rumor issue died out as my publication continued to improve and ironically, the publication that did the accusing – even though they apologized in print – eventually went out of business.

Do – don’t stew when you become the victim of hurtful and unfair badmouthing.

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I can’t speak in public.

I don’t do technology.

I’m a good follower not a leader.

Any sentiment that contains “can’t”, “don’t” and “not” in it is like shooting yourself in the foot before you even try.

I used to teach business executives, students and stay at home parents to speak in public.  They never think they can do it, but I’ve never seen a doubter who didn’t become a believer once they adopted two positive thoughts.

Be yourself.

Earn the right to speak about the topic.

There are enough people in the world who put us down, don’t help them.

No one said it better than Napoleon Hill.

“Whatever your mind can conceive and believe the mind can achieve regardless of how many times you may have failed in the past.”

Previous failures are irrelevant.

Believing in yourself starts with making a decision that you are worth it.

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Most people are awfully hard on themselves.

But often doing the best that we can is more than enough.

Remembering that is worth a lot.

I tell my USC students who wanted to know the secret to success in the music and media industry is just to focus on being excellent at what they do.

Being excellent is different from setting out to make money.

Get good.

Not rich.

Constantly judging ourselves can become self-abuse.

Try to improve – yes, by all means.

Money and happiness often follows being great at what you do instead of being good at making money.

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Jimmy Kimmel is doing a feature called Mean Tweets in which popular entertainment stars walk on stage from behind a curtain and read a real mean tweet sent to them.

At first, it’s a bit disturbing but then as star after star comes forward and reads these hateful comments, you wind up laughing at the depraved person who wrote them and hit send.

The stars have it right.

They laugh, they make faces and they basically make fun of the person who tweeted them.

Humor is a way to deflect hateful language whether in a tweet, an email or in person. Embrace it and encourage it in others especially young people.

The moment you let this vitriol get to you, the spineless perpetrator wins.

But laugh at them, which is what you do when you see how attractive stars read them out loud and the joke is on the hater.

Laugh beyond shame and the shame deflects to the haters.

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Gossip seems to be the major form of communication at work.

People can be two-faced with a smile.

The results are almost always hurtful and often damaging to your career.

This is simple advice that is not that simple to do.

Gossip presumes that there will be a gossiper and a listener.  If no one listens, the gossip falls idle.

If we don’t like people to gossip about us, don’t listen to gossip about anyone else (I told you this is not simple to do).

We can also put back biting in its proper place by:

• Asking if it’s true.
• Is what is being said going to make for goodwill and better friendships?
• Will it benefit all concerned?
• If backbiting amounts to sexual harassment or discrimination, tell the offender to stop and report it to your superior or HR if it continues.  Sadly, harassment and discrimination still runs rampant even in 2015.

Put backbiters in their place by being proactive.

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New research tells us that looking down at your phone can force up to 60 pounds of weight on your spine.

I see it in me and others who look more bent over – even people in their teens and 20’s who are more prolific when it comes to texting.

Another finding is that an average person spends between two and four hours a day looking down on their smartphones.

If the proven peril of texting while driving can’t get us to stop texting then being bent over and pressuring our necks isn’t going to do it either.

The answer.

Keep texting.

Align your ears with your shoulder blades in a neutral position.

Put your phone directly in front of your face.

In years to come, you can avoid back pain and a permanently slouched posture.

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The best advice I have ever heard about arguing is Dale Carnegie’s wisdom:

“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”.

Yes, that too.

But when an argument breaks out at work or at home, let go the satisfaction of having to be right if being right means that you lose or damage that relationship.

• Hurt?  Use language that expresses how you feel not how bad the other person is.  Instead of “You’re never available when I need you” try “I wish we could spend a few moments together – it would mean a lot to me”.
• Ban the word “you” and substitute the word “I”.
• Express your thoughts sincerely not with an attitude.

Some kinds of anger are appropriate and helpful.

Controlled outrage helps us express ourselves to others.

Inappropriate anger is hurtful, damaging and ineffective.

If your goal is to strike out at the other person for their part in a disagreement, keep yelling.

But if you can’t avoid an argument and want to maintain your relationship, use these rules to make the best of it.

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Try to please them.

Try to make the answer “yes” as often as you can.

Cultivate the heart of a servant.

You may not like that word – servant – but some of the best liked people have an innate ability to be well thought of because they try and try again to do as much for another person as possible.

Even a self-absorbed person cannot resist liking someone who can bring themselves into the favor of another by serving their needs.

I know people like this and you may, too.

Some are very successful salespeople but a remarkable number are well liked because they have this one quality that almost no one can resist.

To ingratiate yourself to orders and win their favor, have the heart of a servant and say yes as many times as you can.

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My wife and I were playing golf at The Woodstock Golf Club in Vermont last week and something wonderful happened – no, not our golf scores.

Better.

This gentleman named Larry loaded our clubs on the cart (earning a tip).

At the halfway point he offered to get us anything we wanted to eat from the restaurant and bring it to us on the course so we could continue our round on a sunny and beautiful day (another tip).

When we finished the 18^th hole, Larry cleaned our clubs but when I handed him another well-earned tip, he said, “No, I’m not going to take it, you’ve been too generous”.

I can’t remember the last time that happened.

I insisted he take the tip but had to physically put the money in his pocket.

Some people are the opposite. When you leave an extra tip, it doesn’t get you as much as a thank you.

Of course giving should not come with strings, but a great time to be grateful is often missed.

When you believe good deeds don’t have to have a price on them, you reap an even bigger reward.

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Donald Trump appears bigger than life.

But when he said “Look at that face … would anyone vote for that?” referring to another presidential candidate Carly Fiorina, he took shaming to the next stage.

In fairness, Trump denies he was talking about her looks but was talking about her persona.

Yes, it’s a political race and all things seem to be an option these days but we risk becoming a society of shamers.

What’s worse is when children shame other children in social media virtually making it impossible to escape from the torment.

Shaming isn’t going to go away any time soon unless we are willing to stand up and set the record straight every time we hear it.

She’s fat (no, her size has nothing to do with her as a human being).

He’s gay — some New Jersey college students hounded one of their dorm mates literally to death when he committed suicide to escape the shaming (judge people for the fine person they are not what you think they should be).

You’re ugly (everyone is beautiful in their own way).

YOU have a two-piece bathing suit (Why not?  Did you ever see what guys look like when they eat and drink too much and then wear a one-piece?

And women are shamed more than men – that’s just plain not acceptable.  Every man has a mother, or may have a sister or wife or girlfriend.  Would they want their loved ones to be subjected to that hurt?

Make a commitment to stamp out shaming as soon as you hear it – rise up, defend and show compassion.

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The stress we feel at work is made worse when we think about work 24 hours a day whether we are in the office or at home.

You may be a powerful executive, huge talent or high performing salesperson, but at home you are none of these.

You are a co-provider, partner, spouse, mother, father, son or daughter, family member.

The regrets that most people have in their final years on this earth are not that they didn’t work enough, but that they weren’t available to be a part of other people’s lives.

It’s not the hours of days you work.  It is living in the “at work mode” even when you’re not there.  You might as well stay at work all day and night with this mindset.

After Bob Crandall retired as the ironfisted CEO of American Airlines, he spoke at one of my seminars.  I expected this pugnacious exec to be a hard driving, difficult personality.

But Crandall showed up with his wife from whom he was taking orders.  The two of them planned to sail around the world on a yacht and post their observations to celebrate his retirement.

How could this man hated by unions and feared by almost everyone else be such a – well, such a pushover in the presence of his wife?

There’s work and there’s home and Bob Crandall knew the difference.

We can eliminate the stress of feeling like we’re letting friends and loved ones down by being 100% present in their company.

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• Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Consider whether the other person may know something that you do not know.
• Avoid the use of these words “you”, “always”, “never”.  They do not lead to happy outcomes.
• Disagreements are not necessarily bad – see if you can live with what is at the issue.
• Never argue in front of children.  It scares them and teaches them the wrong way to resolve their differences.
• Let go of having to be right if being right means you lose a friend or a loved one.
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I must confess I really like Pete Carroll.

It has nothing to do with team loyalty to the Seahawks.  After all, I am an Eagles fan.

When I worked at USC during some of Carroll’s term there he struck me as a most unusual motivator for a football coach.

Pete Carroll is the guy who lost the Super Bowl to New England in the last minute of the game.  But if ever there was someone who can overcome that weight around his neck, Pete Carroll is the man.

A recent New York Times article points out how former New Orleans Saints all-star tight end Jimmy Graham was “coached” on his new team.  After he dropped a pass during practice, Carroll came running over to him not to curse him out or belittle him into being better, but to counsel him not to worry and just focus more.

The takeaway for the rest of us is to stop beating ourselves up – it never works.  You know you want to be better but to heap more pressure and risk a critical loss of self-esteem is not the answer.

Focus on the present eliminating negative distractions and doubts not useless invectives that all but guarantee failure and unhappiness.

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In today’s digital world it’s getting someone’s attention.

People are distracted from their work, their play, interactions with others and even their sleep.

Media companies full well know that getting the attention of audiences is harder than ever and keeping them focused is even harder.

So is it hopeless?

The solution may seem non-intuitive, but it works.

• When speaking to a person who is distracted stop until you get their attention and then continue.  Don’t be surprised if they just dial you out at which point unless you have the need to continue the conversation, end it until you get their attention.
• Talk in terms of their interest not yours – this is the potentially non-intuitive part.  After all, fighting distraction by getting people to talk about themselves?  Absolutely.  Few people will tune out talking about themselves and their interests.
• In a world where few people live in the present, timing is everything.  Every good teacher knows that people can’t learn unless they are interested in what you have to say so watch for the moment and the signal.
• Don’t use email to communicate.  Email is easy to blow off and you can’t get a reading of the person’s tone.  In person or by phone (yes, phone) if you want to get your message across.

When I was a professor at USC, I would gather in the interest by standing in silence and then saying, I want to share one more thing with you and then we are going to leave class early.

You don’t even have a minute but you have captured attention.

Make your point just like a tweet – in a short sentence.  If they respond, you continue. 

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1. Demonstrate how you add value and have made a difference to the company.  This subtly reminds your employer that you can take these skills elsewhere.
2. Get the facts about your unique contributions to the company.  Most people wing it.  That won’t work. Often your employer may not be aware of all that you bring to the company so this is an opportunity to tell him/her.
3. The exact best time to ask is when your boss is stressed the least.  Makes sense, right?  But often raises are sought when the employee is ready to ask or has assembled the confidence needed to bring it up.
4. Ask for a raise just before you are ready to take on a new significant project or just when you have completed a project successfully.  That’s the right moment.
5. Review time is not necessarily the best time to ask for more money.
6. No ultimatums, complaints or threatening.  You are asking not telling.
7. In the end, asking for a raise is successful not just when an employer says yes, but even when they say no because that no may motivate you to take your well thought out request to a better opportunity.

Know your worth.

In sports when players go to salary arbitration, the neutral arbitrator usually compares the player’s skills with those of players with similar skills, accomplishments and records.  That is their sweet spot and it is usually the arbitrator’s decision.

The same principle works for us.

Compare your skills and accomplishments with those of others and that is your sweet spot.

One warning:  avoid comparing yourself to others in front of your employer.  The request is about your work and your value to the company.

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Face it; we are all prisoners to the cellphone that remains in our hands or by our side.

Oddly enough, most people don’t even use their “phones” as a phone.

The texting, emails, Instagrams, Twitter, Facebook and apps distract us from a balanced life causing stress.

Many people sleep with phones or on the night table next to their beds.

At Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, I saw a college student returning from spring break so tired she laid out over several seats on her back and took a nap waiting for her flight.

On her stomach was her cellphone.

And when she got a message, she opened her eyes and responded, put it back down on her stomach and closed her eyes.  Great way to get some rest.

We eat with our phones.

Consult them in the presence of others.

Teach our children the wrong way to balance instant communication with living in the present.

A smartphone is only smart when we use it as a helpful tool not a life style.

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An effective way to deal with people who put us down is to let them hang themselves.

Avoid responding.

Avoid expressing feelings of hurt, surprise or disgust.

Just let them stew in their own meanness.

No response is the right response, but it doesn’t mean put up with their abuse.  If someone consistently tries to put you down, you need to get away from them.

But sometimes the put down artist is family or an employer who is hard to get away from.

Make plans to remove yourself from the situation – even if it is family that is putting you down.

When I was in college, I was fortunate enough to get a job at the big ABC TV affiliate in Philadelphia on camera.

Back on campus, a fellow student in the communications program got me aside and said, “How did YOU get that job?” I went nuts.  He then owned me and made me feel bad about something that was really good.

Later in life I learned to use humor to nullify put down artists when I was appointed a professor of music industry at USC, a “friend” of mine said, “How did YOU become a professor?”

My response was “I guess they offered the job to everyone else first and no one was left” making fun of the put down artist who I thought was a friend.

One more thing – never believe a put down.  Even if there is a kernel of truth to it.

The only person who should have access to your mind should be you.  No one else gets to record negative thoughts directly in your brain.

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I and me

The better words are:

You and yours

Even in our current culture of self-absorption having to endure people talking about themselves is an automatic tune out.

Imagine Toyota running a commercial saying “Buy during the Toyota Holiday Event because we need to sell more cars”.

Most people are concerned about themselves and not you.

To avoid turning people off in business, family or with friends focus on the interests of others.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests and you’ll have the attention of people who matter to you most.

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We remember our faults and keep them burned into our brains.

But we generally don’t remember when we have done well.

Living with regrets – with self-based criticism is an awful thing that can be reversed.

• For every fault you conjure up, balance it with a positive trait (i.e., “my boss tells me I don’t contribute enough” is balanced with “but I am dependable, reliable and work well with others”).
• Only you get direct access into your subconscious.  Even a compliment from another person should be directly delivered to your brain.  Only you get to record in the subconscious of your mind.  This helps prevent growing co-dependent to people who compliment you one minute, take it away another and make you crave their approval to get it back.
• Forgive yourself for not being perfect and join all the rest of the people in the world.  Perfectionism is a great and useful goal but it is a guaranteed path to unhappiness initiated by you.
• Get off your own back.  Forgive, love and protect yourself.

Self-love can never come from another person.

At most they can affirm positive things about you.

Only we can attain self-love.

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