Maybe you’re like me and have tried everything else.

Here’s a guaranteed way to reduce stress immediately.

Simplify your life.

• Digital communication makes our lives richer but more stressful.  Consider that more than 95% of our digital and social interactivity is an interruption to productivity and rarely brings us happiness.  It can wait, so let it.
• Multitasking sounds good but it induces even more stress.  Since when does doing two or three things simultaneously make us happier and more successful?  Actively and constantly look for ways to do less.  Twenty percent of what we do everyday gives us 80% of our productivity.  Doggedly search for the things that make up that 20% and do only them.
• Use focused attention.  Work uninterrupted.  Break tasks into small pieces because it is a fact that the bigger the task ahead of us, the harder it is to get the time to work on it.  Divide it into smaller steps and do one at a time.
• Who are the most important people in your life?  Spend your time with them first, not interrupters, usurpers or less important people demanding your precious time.
• Yes, exercise, diet and a positive attitude contribute to stress reduction but actively looking for things to let go of is the Holy Grail of stress reduction.

Eliminating stress will always be replaced by more stress unless you focus your attention on only that which means the most to you in life.

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There are now more Millennials (roughly 18-34) in the workplace than any other generation including Gen X and Baby Boomers.

So chances are if you are not already working with or for people who are younger, you soon will.

• None are so old as those who have outlived their zest for enthusiasm.  The enthusiastic worker or co-worker is ageless and rarely thought of by their age.  If you get this right, you won’t need the next few suggestions.
• The good old days are not that good.  Most people would never want to go back in time to a “better” day.  So give it up and stop talking about it.  Nothing says out of date and out of touch more than a person who speaks of the past when working in the present.
• Young people expect a fast track for their ideas (just like older people did in their youth).  Check your ego at the door and help them realize their ideas and your value multiplies.
• Think of younger people with the love you have for your own children.  As a professor at USC I thought of my students as extended family.  And healthy families disagree and disappoint but they like each other.  Ironically, I have seen some teachers who disliked the Millennial generation and the feeling of the students was mutual.
• You don’t have to dress like someone 25 or 35 years old to gain the respect of your boss or co-workers.  I’m thinking of Steve Jobs who was a baby boomer in jeans and turtlenecks who loved The Eagles and The Beatles.  But Jobs respected the desires of a much younger generation and built great products for them.

Only a fool tries to be younger but a wise person becomes invaluable by having the confidence to leave their resume in the past and helping others realize their dreams.

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You don’t walk out of the movie early if you want to know how it ends.

Same is true of a bad day or bad streak of luck.

Everyone always rebounds.  It just feels so terrible until then.

To pick up a down day, consider that a day has 24 hours and lots of things can happen in that period of time.

Think of it as one of many other things that make up your life.

“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” – Napoleon Hill

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Nothing has proved to be better than the way Ben Franklin decided things:

“My way is to divide half a sheet of paper by a line into two columns; writing over the one Pro and over the other Con. Then during three or four days’ consideration, I put down under the different heads short hints of the different motives, that at different time occur to me, for or against the measure. When I have thus got them altogether in one view, I endeavor to estimate their respective weights; and where I find two, one on each side, that seem equal, I strike them both out. If I judge some two reasons con equal to some three reasons pro, I strike out five; and thus proceeding, I find where the balance lies; and if after a day or two of further consideration, nothing new that is of importance occurs on either side, I come to a determination accordingly.”

• Two columns (pro/con)
• Take 3 days to consider
• Assign weights but if two are equal strike them both out
• If it’s close, throw both pros and cons out and figure out where the balance lies.
• If nothing new can be added to your list, you have come to a determination.

The best decisions result from weighing the evidence pro and con.

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The first time I was on television on the ABC affiliate in Philadelphia, I read the Teleprompter like a champ.

What an easy job, I thought.

Until the director walked into the ice-cold studio and said “We’re running about 4 minutes early, you’ll have to fill”.  Adlib!  I thought he was kidding.  I hoped he was kidding.

What gets us through public speaking opportunities and presentations is not what most people think it is – not some learned air of confidence but something more deep-seated that all of us can attain.

• You have earned the right to be speaking in public or leading a group.  Remember that fact often.
• Be yourself. Trying to imitate a speaker is the formula for failure but to be yourself makes you an expert.  I am Italian and enthusiastic.  I speak with my hands.  “Good” speakers are encouraged to be someone else but I don’t believe it.   Be you with hand gestures and all.
• Be authentic.  When I started a new class as professor of music industry at USC I would say, “I’m Italian and from New Jersey, anyone have a problem with that?”  The students would laugh because that is the way I talk.  It’s real.
• The biggest fear a speaker or presenter has is that they are going to forget what they intend to say.  Even to this day I rehearse my presentation or talk three times.  That’s it.  Each time it comes out differently which is good. The fourth time is the actual presentation and the way I do it is different again.  This is how you know you are being effective.  You know the material well enough to not worry about how it comes out.
• Confidence booster:  no audience ever knew if a speaker forgot something so don’t worry about remembering everything.
• Never memorize.  You’ll get caught.
• You can start with a set opening line and end with a memorized line – no longer – but the rest of your talk even if you use notes should be extemporaneous.
• To be enthusiastic as a speaker, I mingle with the audience before I talk so they can see I am just like them and to get my mind off the talk and focused on real people.
• When you take questions even from people who disagree with what you are saying – let them have their say, you had yours.
• Oh, and try not to use slides.  Make them available on Google Drive after the talk but the surest way to put an audience to sleep is to use PowerPoint.  Or as one of my USC students said, “if you use slides, make it a picture.  No words”.  They want to hear you!

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I had a friend who, when we were at a restaurant and were interrupted by the waitress, would come back and remember wherever I left off before the interruption.

I marveled at how he could do it because I sure couldn’t.

He always said, “When you speak, I listen, JD”.

One thing that can endear us to others in this digital connected world in which we live is to practice focused listening.

To listen instead of hear, being in the present is required.

Shaking off distractions is a skill that must be acquired.

And getting the feeling of being connected with another person desired.

Some people seem to be born good listeners but for the rest of us, there are these skills:

• Listen intently turning away distractions looking directly into a person’s eyes.
• Summarize in your mind as you hear interesting or significant things.  Imagine that most of us cannot recall what others in our lives say accurately because we’re not present in the conversation.
• Limit the conversation to your ability to concentrate.
• Ask questions when you can.
• Do not give in to the temptation to talk about yourself or your reaction to what another person is saying – and you won’t have to because most people who have been heard will ask you questions.
• Bette Midler’s line comes to mind:  “But enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”  Self-centered people talk about themselves even when they would have you believe they are listening to you.

Try deflecting attention away from yourself even once and you will have all the motivation you need to be a better listener.

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There is so much pressure every day to be someone else.

The person a family member expects, the spouse one of you really wanted, the parent your children seem to want even if that isn’t good for them – even someone in your workplace that you were not hired to be.

The games people can play are maddening.

And eventually our lives become like bumper cars banging around from expectation to expectation where we never quite feel right and where we can never win.

Refuse to play the games.

Do not try to win battles.

Win the war.

And the war should be always being the person you want to be.

When someone hits us, our natural tendency is to hit back, but consider letting them fight with themselves.  Always stay on course.

At the end of the day we are happier when we avoid needless games and stay true to the person you want to be.

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In a self-absorbed world, sometimes it feels like we’re not appreciated or respected.

This can impact our self-confidence.

But you can take matters into your own hands.

• Every time you have an accomplishment, write it down.  I add them on my iPhone’s note app for review when a boost of confidence is needed.  Scroll through frequently.  For some reason we don’t have to remember what we do wrong so this counteracts that.
• Think of every accomplishment large or small as an IOU redeemable by you when you are doing something new or that takes a great deal of confidence.
• Only work on self-improvement when you include a moment of self-appreciation.
• Never let anyone else commandeer control of your self-esteem.  Either spend less time with them or cut off contact if possible.  Letting the negative voices of others into our heads is a guarantee of diminished self-confidence.
• Memorize this mantra:  “I’ve done it before and I can do it again” and repeat it many times a day.

Think of your mind as a digital recorder and never allow anyone other than you to record directly into your psyche.

Even compliments!  Take them as substantiation of what you already know or when a person changes how they feel about you, you are vulnerable.

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Netflix now offers paid maternity and paternity leave for an entire year.

Google will do your dry cleaning, take care of your child for free and let you spend one day a week working on anything of your choosing.

Millennials love these benefits yet still, they leave these jobs just as someone unhappy in theirs would leave.

They are perusing their dreams.

Benefits, loose job descriptions and even pay do not guarantee a happy, rewarding and fulfilling career.

Here’s what I tell my young students to do when they are seeking a job they can love.

• Write down 5 things you would love to do in life even if you do not have the training or skills to get the job (you can always get it later).
• Do not include your current job or the thing that you have trained for or, for that matter, the career in which you have spent the most time.
• Take up to three months (and I mean this) to compile a list that you are sure of.
• Then rank the main areas of interest in order of importance.
• Look to see whether any two can be combined meaning one job would allow you to do two of your main interests.
• Repeat this process every year. Avoid a rut. It is surprising how many people stay in dying industries because they dare not dream about doing something different.

I am about to complete my annual list at the end of the summer after I take more beach days to think things through. Even though I have three businesses I always check to see if what I am doing now is what I want to continue to do and sometimes things make the list to make me aware of a dream that I may have shrugged off.

Last year I saw short form video pop up on my list so I am working to integrate it into what I do. Who knows what will show up this year.

We have one life — why waste it by ignoring the dreams that make us love what we do for a living.

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It’s not how much time we spend.

It’s about how long we are 100% present.

At work, focus on work.

At home, focus on family, relationship and personal.

We’re looking in the wrong place if we’re looking to divvy up our time in minutes or hours instead of how long we can be 100% present in the things we do and with the people we are with.

Your son and daughter don’t need you to increase the time you spend with them.  They need you to increase your ability to be 100% present with them – one on one.  Listening not judging and not on your cell phone, either.  Bag it when you want balance.

No need to force yourself to spend more time with your spouse when you can give him or her 100% of your attention and be with them in ways that often get overlooked.  No phones.  No screens.  No distractions.  You there with them 100% of the time.

All of us could be more effective at work – me as well as I have several businesses and one vocation.  Maybe you’re like me.  There is not enough time in a week to get everything done.  Focusing 100% of your attention on the 20% of the tasks that bring 80% of the productivity helps put work and career in its place.  Not spilling over into other areas of life that become deprived as a result.

Balance life by being 100% all-in with those around you not by shifting or increase time spent.

Being 100% present with another person even for a limited time is equal to spending a full day with them distracted.

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Being fired is better than fearing it.

Most people are relieved when the axe falls but the thing that holds them back from going on is all those fears they had in anticipation.

Nobody will want me.  Today’s economy is different.  Everyone is cutting back.  I don’t have the education or skills.  I’m too young.  I’m too old.  I’m embarrassed.  Lost my confidence.  I don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills.  I could lose my house.

Geez, I’m getting depressed just writing these things.

How about this?

I’m a talented person.  Today’s economy is perfect for what I have to offer.  Companies still need people even when they are automated.  My youth is an advantage.  My age is an advantage.  I can’t say I liked losing my job but I have no reason to hang my head.  My confidence will grow ever day when I think about new opportunities available to me.  Somehow we’ll handle the finances.  A fulfilling career is more important than a house.

Almost every successful person has had career obstacles to overcome.

Losing your job is a gift waiting to be opened the day you get to start anew and realize all the things you didn’t have on the previous job.

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I admit, I have negative thoughts all the time.

After all, I am a Philadelphia sports fan!

Seriously, there is a reason I became a Dale Carnegie instructor. I wanted a way forward to keep negative thinking from ruining my life.

I’d love to tell you I know all the answers about this – or even one.

But I can share something that has made a difference for me.

Surround yourself with positive people.

Out in Arizona they have rattlesnakes and if you see one in their natural habitat you almost have to look twice because they blend in with their environment.

We are like that, too.

We become like the people in our lives.

If they are negative, we will become more negative even if it isn’t our nature.

But if they have an air of positivity about them, that will rub off on us.

I know what you’re thinking.

Jerry, how can I get rid of negativity. I’m married to it. Or it’s my brother or sister. Or I work with it 8 hours a day.

When you can’t avoid negativity, you must be doubly ready to not let it drag you down. And yes, sometimes there is divorce or siblings don’t spend a lot of time with each other because negativity gets old.

My best friend was like a breath of fresh air. He could lift me out of depression, make me more optimistic and build my confidence – all that because he was that kind of positive person.

No one can make us feel negative about ourselves or our lives unless we help them do it. We must be on guard to replace their negative talk with positive thinking.

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Brandel Chamblee, former pro golfer and now analyst for The Golf Channel said this about golf that also applies to our lives.

“We forget too often about how big a part of this game heartache is.  Jack Nicklaus won 18 major championships but he finished second 29 times in the majors”.

Ouch, that hurts.  Really hurts.

But sometimes it’s better to endure the heartaches of disappointment because it makes us better in the end.

Without loss, there can be no meaningful victories.

Without failure, no success.

I know of no one who ever succeeded by succumbing to disappointment.

As The New York Times said recently writing about sports “one person’s stumbling block is another person’s building block”.

Everyone knows we play to win – to succeed, to measure up but few know that to get there you have to endure disappointment and turn it into positive energy to come roaring back.

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Let’s get this out of the way right upfront – some people can never be pleased.

Too narcissistic. Too self-absorbed. Not caring.

But for everyone else, the way to be appreciated every time is to exceed expectations.

• If you sell, whatever you promise build in enough time to do more than the prospect or client is expecting and deliver it ahead of time. Never late. Early is the new on time.
• At work, resist the temptation to do only what you have to for continued employment should you work for people who can’t seem to appreciate your efforts. Deliver more than they expect – even if you want to get another job, even if you are being underpaid. Exceeding expectations is like a pathway in the brain.  Always cultivate it. It’s good for others but even better for you.
• For spouses or partners, always do what you say you are going to do. If you say it, consider it a promise no matter how minor it may seem to you.  Then do more than you have to.
• Give up control. Control is overrated because it is really an illusion that ruins lives. Try giving up control of something every day and you’ll see life does not end.  In fact, you will be happier and more appreciated.
• Empower others. Put your faith and trust in others. In workplace surveys, employees crave appreciation first and then the trust to do their jobs next. Higher pay is further down the list.
• Pass out compliments freely and sincerely.  This costs nothing but brings great returns. When was the last time someone appreciated you and backed it up with an example of how?

Master the art of exceeding expectations and the people you love, work for and with and other important people in your life can’t help but to crave you.

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They are going to lay me off.  I don’t have enough money to get through tough financial times.  My relationship is in trouble.  I am worried about my children.  I want more from life.  I have no confidence.  I am afraid to do the things I used to do easily.  I fear I have a brain tumor (or some other ailment).   I’m so young and able and can’t find a job.  I’m old but at my best and can’t find a job.  I’m scared of everything these days.  I’m being bullied and can’t stop it.  I spend too much time on my phone but I don’t want to stop even knowing it’s not good for me.

You can add your personal fears to this list because there is no shortage of them.

Life is tougher today because we live in a fast, super-connected world.

Let’s put a stop to these fears and worries:

• Make a vow to worry about only one thing at a time – you choose it.  More than one worry is overwhelming and leads to a bad outcome.  Tackle the biggest worry first.
• Choose a time each day to “obsess” about this worry.  If you’re like me you don’t have an hour to devote to this so, make it 20 minutes or so then pick a time and have at it.
• The rest of the day be cognizant that 99% of what we fear never happens.  Say it over and over again because it is true and saying it makes a difference.
• Drill down and get the facts about what you’re worried about.  More often than not we worry about assumptions that are not reality.  In other words, we worry about something that we assume to be true.
• Make a conscious attempt to be grateful for everything you have every time you get a negative fear thought.  Balance fear with gratitude.
• Get busy and help other people.  It has been proven that when we take our minds off of what eats us by trying to help other people, our problems are more bearable.
• Never waste your time thinking about people you don’t like.
• People who criticize us are often paying us a compliment – they are jealous.  From this day on, only you get to criticize yourself.  Make it positive and constructive.

When we succumb to fear and worry, we are knowingly hurting ourselves.

“Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.”  — Ana Monnar

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When I was in college I worked overnights on a Philadelphia radio station balancing a full schedule at school with a full-time, six day a week job in radio.

One night – I estimate it to be about 3 in the morning – I feel asleep on the air and let a song end without playing another. To this day I refuse to think about how long there was dead air, which is a no-no in radio.

Unfortunately my boss was awake at 3 am (too much caffeine?) and heard it.  The next day he called me in and handed me my walking papers.

I can’t tell you how devastating that was – first commercial radio job and I literally fell asleep at the switch.

But as painful and embarrassing as that was, it made me more motivated to find my next job which, fortunately for me, was in television at the ABC affiliate there – a job I would not likely had sought if I was still working in the job from which I was fired.

To this day I absolutely adore the man who fired me.  He was right.  He may have taught me a lesson about life as well as introduced me to myself.  No college course could do that.

When we are fired or not appreciated in our jobs, we lose self-esteem.  We are hurt.  We are angry and we are in a negative frame of mind.

This is going to sound awful, but many, many people who are dismissed from the work they do go on to something better.

And all of us can see this in retrospect, after the fact.

Here’s the trick:

The moment it happens, remember that being fired will eventually lead you to something even better.  It always does.

Just knowing this from day one – and remembering it every day — resets your life in a positive direction to bring even more success next.

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My golf instructors Mike and Sandy LaBauve are great believers in practicing only the things that will bring the best outcome.

Golfers especially think that if they can spend more time practicing and more time playing that their game will get better.

Look at Tiger Woods.

If he practices any more he’s going to drop from exhaustion and ruin everything else that isn’t already injured in his body.  Maybe he needs a headshrinker not another golf coach?  Or, maybe he needs to find the one thing that will improve his game – not everything all at once.

For us, we want to be better so we work harder, but do we work on the right things that will ensure the best outcome?

• Discover one thing that will move you closer to success and put 100% of your effort into doing that one thing.
• If you’re struggling to discover what that one thing is, ask someone who can objectively take a look and point you in the right direction.
• Repeat the “one thing” as many times as you can and get better at it.
• More important than working for success is increasing your confidence for succeeding – everything good that happens starts in our heads.

The only thing better than a great work ethic is a great work ethic applied to something that will make a positive difference.

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Even when we’re really motivated to accomplish something, we can be equally discouraged when nothing happens.

Focusing on goals doesn’t always work either because goals can be complex things that involve many aspects including the sweat of other people you can’t control.

The system that never disappoints is called PPP – Purposeful Positive Progression.  It allows you to take your goals and advance them in a positive way every day.

Often we spend a lifetime trying to accomplish one goal.  But when we do, the satisfaction is usually short-lived.  It is far better to have a success on as many days as you can on the way to achieving your goal.

Here’s an example:

Say you’re thinking about getting a new job or just want to see what’s out there before you commit to another year in your present job.

Make a list of things you should do (make contacts, network, build your resume, expand your education, be more visible, etc.).  And then every day, move one of those goals in a purposeful, positive progressive way.

Print out your online resume and put it on top of a pile that will command your attention before the day ends.  Or spend a few minutes finding the LinkedIn sites that you are most impressed with.  Or, contact someone and ask them for help.

Every small step is a success.

When you get used to succeeding it is empowering.

The ironic thing is that big goals result from many, many small successes on the way.

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When I am asked to say a few words at a funeral, I think back to a girlfriend I had in college named Marilyn.

She was very close to her aunt so I often rode the subway with her from Temple University to Hahnemann Hospital on Broad Street to visit her aunt who suffered from cancer.

On the night that I was to be inducted into Sigma Delta Chi journalism society, the Italian funeral was to be held. It was a three-day affair as Italian funerals can be with a “viewing” process that was enough to kill the survivors.   I bagged the Sigma Delta Chi banquet and never was inducted and I don’t regret it one bit.

There is really nothing that one can say at some else’s loss except “I’m sorry”.

But at a later date when Marilyn was trying to deal with her grief I said something that seemed to help – where inspiration came from I don’t know.

Keep your departed loved one alive through you by adopting their best as part of you for the rest of your life.

Marilyn picked not complaining because her aunt although she suffered for a very long time never complained about her pain. She always directed her attention to others.

I have subsequently adopted the most admirable qualities of people I love and lost in the same fashion. My mother’s ability to never give up.   My father’s honesty. My best friend’s compassion for others.

What a living tribute for people who have left us but remain an important part of our being.

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Fear is the belief that something or someone is likely to cause pain.

Fortunately, these beliefs rarely (1% of the time) actually happen so what kills us is not what we fear but the process of being fearful.

My father had a heart attack at 37.  I saw my mother worry until the day he died and the day she died.  It became a bad pattern that is typical of what happens when the fear thought gets out of hand.

So this is a topic close to my heart and I’d like to share a few coping mechanisms in the hope that they may be helpful to you:

• Ask what is the worst possible outcome that could happen. Make it really bad.  Can you live with that?  Will you be forced to live with that?  The worst is not likely to occur so take consolation in that.
• Focus on the one thing you will do if what you fear should become a reality. Think it through in detail.  Just knowing your game plan reduces the fear factor.  Chances are great statistically that you will never need to act on this plan.
• Let go of the fear (hey, I know this one isn’t easy but it works).  The more we don’t try to control the outcome, the better the outcome and the happier we are.
• Attach a gratitude that matches the thing that you fear.  If you fear losing your job, focus on what a great career you are having in spite of it.  Fear losing a loved one?  Be thankful for having had that person in your life.  Fear financial ruin?  You’ve earned a living in the past and you will do it again and even better in the future.

The anticipation of fear is far worse than what we actually fear.  There are always effective things we can do to relieve the stress of worry.

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