We know what turns people off – or at least we should.

But what makes them attracted to us like a magnet is our ability to praise others in a sincere way.

Think about how long we have to go before we hear words of praise from others.

The secret is to catch someone doing something praiseworthy – and that’s not too hard if you get used to looking for it.

Then back up the kind words with a concrete example of what you like about them.  Without the evidence, it’s just empty praise that sounds good but doesn’t stick to the bones.

If you want people to be totally addicted to you in a positive way, look for opportunities to catch them doing something right.

Then increase the number of times you give sincere and honest praise and it is likely you will feel the warmth and sincerity returned to you.

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During the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament this year we found out how far perfection can get us.

Unbeaten Kentucky lost to Wisconsin and they were eliminated from the big dance to play for the championship.   The 2006-2007 Patriots won all 16 of their regular season games but could not go 19-0 to win the Super Bowl.

Most of us have it all wrong.

We either try for perfection or accept that we cannot ever achieve perfection.

When two teams play sports, they don’t show up and say I’m going to win or else and they don’t say I’ll probably lose.

They want to play to win but know that always winning is not always possible and it’s not necessary.

And there is a lot to learn from losing – more than from winning – such as how badly you want something, how hard you will work to get it and what skills must be acquired to succeed.

Perfection is the roadmap not the final destination.

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Friends are not things we collect.  They are people we trust and value.

Ever go to a funeral and hear the eloquent eulogies about the departed?  Why wait until it’s too late?  We’re living now.

Friends don’t happen by accident and friendship has little to do with fate.  It’s more about us – are we worthy of true friends?

• A friend verbalizes their feelings for another with a compliment and the evidence to support it.
• Friends don’t keep tabs on how many good deeds they do for each other.  You owe everybody and everybody owes you – that’s the mark of true friendship.
• Friends are never jealous.  Jealousy is the scourge of our civilization and it has no place in true friendships.  We wish for others that which they wish for themselves.  And they wish the same for us.
• True friends are reliable and predictable.  Think about it, the person you call your best friend is likely to be a rock when you need him/her or always there at anytime when you need them.
• A true friend cannot be tallied on Facebook but can be counted in your heart as a valued human being.

If you have true friends, it is a testament to your ability to value another without asking for anything in return – always.

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A rut is the hole we find ourselves in when a series of things go wrong and it begins to stick in our brains.

When we’re flying high, the opposite happens – we believe it is all good and will continue to be good.

What do these two conditions have in common?

Our brain – the source of all good things possible.

• I find humor a good way to handle a series of bad breaks – “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry” kind of attitude.  When you poke fun at your bad breaks, you are putting them in their proper place.
• Take small steps to counter your misfortunes.  If you lose a promotion to a person who is less qualified and in the same 24-hour period find out that you need $1,200 worth of repairs on your car and then (insert the next bad thing here) — thems fightin’ words.  Do a small positive thing for every negative thing you must combat.  Do not take being in a rut lying down.  This is war but the steps can and should be small (I’ll get the next promotion and maybe this is a sign that I need a new car, etc.).
• A friend if mine had cancer and he had it for years – that’s more than being in a rut.  But he never focused on his problems even when I asked him about them.  He simply said, I’m doing fine and asked about me.  Turn the focus away from your problems.
• Focus on bad and you get bad.  Focus on good and you get good.  The choice is ours not fates.

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“Haters gonna hate” as Taylor Swift sings in “Shake It Off”.

Taylor Swift is one of the most prolific voices of the Millennial generation admired for her honesty and authenticity.

Music is and always has been the soundtrack of our lives.

When I taught music industry at the University of Southern California, I could literally teach history through the words and music of each generation.

Taylor Swift knows that haters are running wild – she should know, they direct their vitriol at her and she shakes it off.

What’s not to like about Taylor Swift – she’s smart, talented, beautiful and nice.

Sound familiar?

If haters are hating on you, someone you love, a child, a friend – here are some ways to shake it off:

• “It’s gonna be alright” is a mantra worth repeating again and again.
• Understand the hater’s motivation because they are almost 100% of the time suffering from jealousy.
• Cut them off – they cannot enjoy hating on you when they get no reaction.  Respond and you just keep them going.
• The cure for hurt feelings is remembering that when you have to depend on others to make you feel good (or bad) about yourself, you are inviting haters to damage your life and your feelings and play with your emotions.

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1) Take the focus off yourself and think about others – little things, conversations, acts of kindness.  You might not feel like doing them when you’re down but you’re giving yourself the gift of a picker-upper.

2) Segue from what’s eating you to something you are grateful for.  It has been proven time and time again that no person can be down or even depressed if she or he is being grateful for something good in their lives.

3) Think about how important you are to those around you.  A bad mood by you quickly affects others you come in contact with.  A positive thought lifts those around you at the same time you help yourself.

4) Picture the person you love (or have loved, if they are no longer with you) in this world and for five seconds think of how you would feel if you could be with them now.

Bad moods and rough roads are normal – we wouldn’t be human without them.

Languishing in a bad frame of mind for too long begins to change the way we are.  Act, intervene and return to a good place as quickly as possible.

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Forget it, we just don’t have alone time anymore.

I lived in a small community growing up (Springfield, PA) where I had to walk two or more miles to get anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go. On that same walk now, I would probably have a smartphone in my hand and ear buds in my ears to listen to music.

Alone time on the beach has been breached because we can text, email and check the Internet, play games and do everything but look at the ocean, people watch or exercise.

Alone time is no longer a thing of the past — it is the remedy for the future.

In a digital world, we have to have time to think.

To converse with others undistracted.

To dream about how we want our lives to be today and tomorrow.

Take it one small step at a time.

Leave the phone home for an hour.

Choose one screen to watch TV and not two or more.

Eat dinner without a cellphone nearby every once in a while.

From there, expand out of touch hours – say, 7-11pm every once in a while.

When life runs together on one stream of connectivity, we leave out the most important person – ourselves.

Don’t blame the digital technology that enriches our lives.

Put it in its proper place and reintroduce yourself to you, those around you and your dreams and ambitions.

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Unfortunately the radio industry is an example of a perfectly good business that is not in a very good place right now.

Owners are cheap, greedy and insensitive to the needs of employees.

The industry is too male and excludes females and other minorities from top management positions.

I know literally hundreds of good radio people who are caught between either being out of work or selling their soul to the company.

What a tough position to be in.

I’ve worked for some difficult people but I can tell you that taking a check to work for people who are abusive and don’t care does not mean becoming one of them.

• Take time to be sensitive to people who work for and with you in companies where owners are brutally harsh.  Most fair-minded people will understand the position you’re in as long as you demonstrate that you understand the predicament they are in.
• When a bad company does bad things and you’re in charge, you won’t get fired for being human, checking on them, making a few calls to help them get interviews.  After all, we’ve all been there and we’re probably going to be back there again before our careers are over.
• A thought:  Pretend you are the one being fired and someday you will be asking your employee for a job.  Would they hire you based on the way you treated them?
• Being loyal to evil employers does not mean becoming one of them – think about this a lot.
• Nothing is more painful than being fired.  Compassion is the order of the day not being a robot for insensitive owners.
• In the end when you find you are being callous to the human condition, get a new job or risk losing your own humanity.
• Acid test:  If your son or daughter has to be fired, would you do it the same way?  If your spouse had to be disciplined, would you do it the way you’re presently doing it?

When in doubt, be human and you’ll save your life as well.

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Have you seen Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk about the hell she lived after having  an affair with a married man who just happened also to be the president of the United States?

How many people do you know have shamed themselves or made mistakes?  But with the Internet there is almost no path to redemption and no way to move on.

The Internet.

Cyberbullying.

Making fun of people because we will never look into their eyes face to face.

Monica’s excellent talk admits her wrongdoing but also describes the hell of our digital world where social media will drive people to depression and worse.

Until they find compassion for self.

As she puts it:  “Have compassion for yourself. We all deserve compassion, and to live both online and off in a more compassionate world”.

Here’s a link to Monica Lewinsky’s talk – she’s nervous, and 41-years old now and in a world where parents are helping children deal with haters and bullying, it’s about time we are having this conversation.

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We’ve got it all wrong.

Most of us think we fear death whether we’re 25 or 85 when it’s really life that scares the hell out of people.

We can’t do much about the fact that someday we must go, but we can do an awful lot about how we live in the time we have.

Amazing, isn’t it, that cancer patients with all the burden of treatments, side effects and worry of future outcomes can almost to a person cut through the garbage that prevents them from living the days that they have as if they are more precious.  And if they are fortunate enough to be granted more time, they are changed people.

So we have wars on everything in this world today, how about a war on fear?

• When you fear something, do it anyway.  Bet you’ll be glad and you’ll start making a habit of it.
• Banish the fear of failure this very morning. I can guarantee you are going to fail but not always.  Hockey great Wayne Gretzky’s famous line is “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  I think of that a lot.
• Laugh at failure, it’s temporary.  Ever notice how AFTER achieving a successful goal, people can laugh about their failures that got them to their happy day?  Disrupt the timeline and start laughing at failure BEFORE you ultimately succeed.  It’s less wear and tear on your psyche.
• Franklin Roosevelt was right when he told America during wartime that  “the only thing to fear is fear itself”.

When we fear living, we run the risk of losing life.

Fear has met its enemy when you make a decision to live dangerously and believe in yourself.

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Ever notice how when teams are winning almost everything they do keeps going their way.

Until, something doesn’t.

A homerun.

A last minute goal with ten seconds to go before the end of the first period – perfect for leaving an unfortunate outcome front and center in the players’ minds.

And a losing streak is even worse.

You don’t have to play sports to experience a losing streak.  Ordinary people do.  Broken marriages.  Can’t find a soul mate.  Health problems.  Work problems.  People problems.  (Add yours here).

I know there is a lot of motivational psychobabble out there to remind us to not give up.

Hockey players clutch their sticks harder – now that’s not going to help.

Baseball players swing and miss on strike three and walk dejected back to their dugouts.

A fired employee loses self-esteem on the way home from the office for the last time.

I’ve discovered a fascinating, easy and believe it or not fun way to stay motivated when your world is collapsing around you.

Do it for someone special.

Fight back for your grandmother who believed in you through thick and thin.

Play the dating game after the umpteenth Tinder disappointment shows up looking like someone else for your kids.

Work late and think about your spouse and how he or she will be so proud of you.

Change the people you do it for every day if you like.

Or let one person inspire you in your mind’s eye.

And add yourself in to the mix.

Adversity introduces a person to him or her self and to those around them.

Don’t go through adversity alone – plow ahead side by side with the thought of someone who would be as proud of you for trying.

It has the same effect as when mom or dad showed up at a school sports event you were in.  You played your heart out.

Capture that feeling and feel it when life gets tough.

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Brian Sutton-Smith died March 7^th.

If you don’t know him – and I didn’t until I read his fascinating New York Times obituary – he devoted his life to the importance of studying play – books, talks and teaching at various colleges including The University of Pennsylvania.

The question he was constantly asked was why spend an entire life studying play.

I’d like to share his response:

“We study play because life is crap.  Life is crap and it is full of pain and suffering and the only thing that makes it worth living  — the only thing that makes it possible to get up in the morning and go on living – is play.”

In spite of his harsh viewpoint, Sutton-Smith makes a good point.

Why are we killing ourselves at work?

Why are we taking on more play dates than we can handle?

Why do we not make regular play a priority – and I’m not talking about solitary games on mobile devices here.

And after six decades of studying play, Sutton-Smith couldn’t describe exactly what play is.

Is it golf?  Is it cards?  Is it fantasy?  Games?

I’m interested in this because all of us stand to lose the full potential for our lives because one of the greatest tools in the world – mobile Internet and social media – also threatens our ability to interact and lighten up.

The takeaway is balance is more important than productivity.

Variety is truly the spice of life.

Frisbee on the beach has more benefits than we imagined.

Play reminds us of our humanity and serves as a counter-balance to our digital tendencies to communicate but not feel emotion.

Play is what we’re killing ourselves for when we work.

Oh, by the way, Brian Sutton-Smith lived to be 90.

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It’s this simple.

Either we are our own best friend or we fast become our worst enemy.

When a parent asks a child with 4 A’s and a B on their report card, what did you get the B in – we’re teaching impressionable people to be negative.  Let them start with the A’s.  There is plenty of time for the B.

When another person criticizes us, we should reject that criticism.  After all, no less than Dale Carnegie himself said, “don’t criticize, condemn or complain”.  Who are we to judge another?

When we feel that everything we do isn’t good enough, then we are being ungrateful because we can only be what we are and that is good enough if we’re giving our best.

We can either try to make everyone else better one criticism at a time or enjoy the other person exactly the way they are.  We can’t have it both ways.

Some adults laughed at TV’s Mister Rogers who always told his audience of children “I like you just the way you are”.  But Fred Rogers was right. And hearing that phrase every day is something we need to say about ourselves.

You can spend a lifetime feeling badly about yourself.

Or choose to live a life accepting yourself as the fine person you are.

There is, of course, always room for improvement but what good is improving when being perfect is not the secret to happiness.

Most people are good enough the way they are.

Pogo’s great line “We have met the enemy and he is us” is so true.

What if we revised that a bit and made it “We have met my best friend and it is me”?

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We have seen victims of earthquakes hopelessly trapped in buildings survive for many days not on food, water or medicine but only hope.

Hope is that powerful – so important that when we rob other people of it or someone takes hope from us, life becomes more difficult to live.  More dark.  More depressing.

Hope is the burning desire that something positive will eventually happen.

We don’t need hope when things are going our way.  We need hope when things are bad.

Hope is a decision we make when we are not satisfied with the present.  It is not a feeling.  It is a choice.

Unfortunately, many people make the decision to give up hope because times get tough.  Isn’t it fortunate that those trapped in that earthquake rubble decided to focus on only the positive outcome.

Bad things happen in life – no two ways about it.

But starting today, we can vow not to contribute to adversity by giving up the one thing that over the ages always seems to overcome all things bad – hope.

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Face it, we all live with self-absorbed people.

Sometimes, we are the self-absorbed.

People who can focus only on themselves are boring.  They are rude.  And they are missing out on the closeness that can come by showing sincere interest in other people.

I know a person who only needs one sentence from me and from there goes on to talk about herself for as long as you are willing to listen.

Remember that Bette Midler movie line:  “So enough about me, what about you, what do you think about me?”

Dale Carnegie always advised talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

This seems so not possible in a world where it is all always about “me”.

So I promised some strategies for living with self-absorbed people, here goes:

1. Keep interrupting them and ask the question you want to know.  If they continue to go back to their long diatribe, get up and leave.  Taking the oxygen out of the room puts an end to self-absorption.  Same is true of self-absorption by text messaging.  Stop.
2. Do not attempt to talk about you – self-absorbed people will circle back to themselves so the only defense you have is to cut it short.  If it’s your boss who is self-absorbed, start looking for a new job.
3. You won’t be surprised that no matter how many times you say supportive things, the self-absorbed person will just continue to ramble on.

The HBO series “Girls” is a parody on self-absorption.  It’s funny and true. Fans may remember the episode when Hannah (Lena Dunham) attended a funeral and somehow made the funeral about her not the deceased.  Now, this is a parody, but it is also close to the truth.

We live in a Twitter world – what if our response was no longer than a “tweet” and just as creative?

Something tells me we have discovered a new tool for putting an end to self-centered people commandeering our lives.

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Isn’t it sad that almost all of us have to battle the fear of something?

Even in spite of the reassuring reality that 99.9% of the things we fear will never come true.

And on the small statistical chance that it does, that fear is nothing like what we were dreading.

When you talk to people who have overcome fear, they will tell you two things.

Do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.

And, small steps are just as effective as big leaps.

In the past, some airlines used to offer courses for fearful fliers.  They would start the classes on the ground, graduate to an actual airplane that never takes off and finally, a test flight for a very short duration that returns the fearful passengers to the airport from which the plane took off.

Understand the fear and even feel it.

Take a small step (in this case) to an airliner that is not going to take off.

Then, a very short flight to build up confidence.

No matter what worries us, ruminating over it only makes it worse.

The breakthrough invariably comes when we confront our fears and then take small, positive, reassuring steps to conquer them.

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I asked a classroom of USC students if they would like me to share with them a way in which they could do only 20% of everything they had to do each day and yet be 80% productive.

There was silence.

Finally, after a long uncomfortable pause, a young woman said “Yes, Professor” and she was the only one.

I share this because it amazes me what kind of crazy culture we live in where we feel we are required to do everything that comes our way so much so that we are willing to do more than one thing at a time (multitasking).

My students looked at me like I was crazy for suggesting that they prioritize what is important and focus on only that.  And to keep prioritizing all day long.

In other words, not everything on our shoulders has to be done today or at this moment.

Life is too stressful.  We are battling anxiety every minute of the day.

By making constant decisions as to what is the best use of our time at any given moment we discover the antidote for stressful multitasking.

An “A” priority must be done today – now, before we leave.

A “B” is tomorrow’s potential “A” and it waits to be elevated up in priority.

And a “C” is a holding list for items we want to do, are asked to do and other things that haven’t in our opinion been elevated to “A” or “B”.

I have found that most “C’s” never make it to “A” meaning you’ll never need to do them if you constantly ask yourself the question what is the best use of my time right now.

And as if I needed another reason to reject multitasking I never forget that there is nothing worse than doing something well that doesn’t need to be done at all.

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When we feel vulnerable we are setting the table for undue concerns over the future.

There are two important things.

Fear thought – Anxiety about the future that is not likely to occur.

Forethought –  Embracing the future to live the life we want to live and accomplish the things that are important to us.

Kids are happier because they don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the future or lamenting the past.

Even by our teen years and beyond, we lose this childlike ability to not get lost within our own minds.

People are happier when they are living in the moment instead of ruminating about the past or the future because neither one of these places bring us real happiness.

When we fear life we run the risk of losing it.

It is no accident that – when you think about it – our happiest moments are those that appear to be “carefree” or as I like to call them, not burdened by that which already happened and that which probably will never happen in the future.

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Almost 100% of everyone you know is too hard on themselves.

Even people who seem to be braggers are often covering up what may be lacking in their personalities.

We are truly our own worst enemies.

Sometimes we can see this but often we can see it in others easier.

For every word of criticism – even so-called “constructive criticism” we need to also provide a positive statement or else we get lost in a barrage of negativity.

Dale Carnegie’s first human relation principle is “don’t criticize, condemn or complaint”.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

Every person can discover on their own how to improve without hearing it in a form of judgment from others (and this includes employers, parents, and friends).

Resist criticizing others and yourself.

Ask questions instead.

“How do you think you could have made that presentation better?”

“Are you satisfied with the way you and your friend dealt with that problem?”

You probably don’t have to look very far to see the devastating effects of tearing a person down instead of helping them through questioning that allows them to build themselves up.

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Why is it that we tend to remember every negative word that is said to us and somehow forget the positive ones?

It’s like we engrave criticism from others in our brain but fail to do the same for the compliments we receive.

Why is it that we rely so much on others to make us feel good when the responsibility is 100% ours?

We are the master of our mind.

Here’s a solution you may find helpful.

Never let anyone record directly into your subconscious because it sticks like glue.

Even praise from others can be dangerous if we begin to rely on that person for continued praise.  And sometimes, this turns into the start of a co-dependent relationship where the praise giver gets the power to make others feel good and not so good when praise turns to criticism.

When done the right way, you provide the positive input directly into your mind and then when another person says something complimentary, consider it reaffirmation of what you already know about yourself — more evidence that you are good person.

Nothing improves self-esteem more than taking charge of what you allow into your head.

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