A friend of mine in the radio industry wrote me the most beautiful email about the ups and downs he has experienced in his life.

As he puts it:  “My goal in life was to become a good father, husband, employee, now there is no employer, the kids have left the house and I am divorced”.

I wrote back:  I wish I could take back all MY bad decisions and actions in life. The only problem is, these very irritations are what transforms us.  We keep living by learning.  No one’s life is right out of the box and ready to roll for an entire lifetime.

Pain is transformational.

Bumps in the road are building blocks.

We learn humility as a result of our arrogance.

Everything happens for a reason.  We are not always privy to what that reason is so patience, faith and good works are what keeps us going down the road to success and happiness.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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One thing no one can take away from us is our integrity.

We have to throw it away in a conscious decision to lose it.

Take the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

They have been caught in the act of spying on the rival Houston Astros.  They allegedly hacked into the team’s database.

Even sports – or especially sports – is no longer immune to a lack of integrity and fair play.

It seems we all want to win no matter what.

There is no shortage of examples:  Lance Armstrong’s heroic victories to overcome prostate cancer turned out not so heroic.

The controversy over Deflategate and New England Patriot’s star quarterback Tom Brady for allegedly ordering the air be let out of game day footballs to make them easier to control.

Just because we can get away with something (or not) is not reason enough to giveaway what we stand for.

Being honest and having strong moral principles is the victory.

Everything else is just sport.

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This is what Nadine Collier, the daughter of one of the nine victims of Dylann Roof’s shooting spree in a Charleston, SC Church said just a few days after the murders:

“I forgive you … I will never talk to her ever again, never be able to hold her again. I forgive you and have mercy on your soul. You hurt me, you hurt a lot of people, but I forgive you.”

Another relative of one of the shooting victims said, “hate won’t win”.

What remarkable people these are and what a gift they give all of us even as they are grieving that in the many ways we could forgive others for lesser and sometimes petty offenses, they show by example that hate breeds hate.

It’s not easy to be like this, but it is the goal and after this latest example of continued racial violence, it gives us hope.

For me, if many of these relatives could forgive such a heinous crime, what would be my excuse for not forgiving the people who have hurt me in lesser ways?

As always, a reminder that we can never change another person – only ourselves.

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Vice President Joe Biden addressed the students of Yale in May with a message on success and happiness.

Biden lost his wife and a daughter to a fatal accident at a railroad crossing in 1972 weeks before he was to be sworn in to his first elected position to the U.S. House of Representatives.  She was returning home from picking up the family Christmas tree.

Beau Biden said, “My brother and I, not the Senate, were all that he cared about … he said then Delaware can get another senator but my boys can’t get another father.”

And they said this about a powerful senator and today’s vice president.

Life can change in a heartbeat, as Biden all well knows.

His secret to success and happiness in light of such excruciating pain of losing part of his family:

“It’s about being engaged …It’s about being there for a friend or a colleague when they’re injured or in an accident, remembering the birthdays, congratulating them on their marriage, celebrating the birth of their child. It’s about being available to them when they’re going through personal loss. It’s about loving someone more than yourself.”

Who knew that when Biden shared these words it would be just two more weeks before he lost yet another child, Beau, to brain cancer.

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A friend of mine has terminal cancer – stage four. But to talk to him you’d think that he has had the burdens of the world lifted from his shoulders.

I have always been amazed how breast cancer patients can fight for life and succeed for many decades but they are a changed person.

They no longer fear death.

They fear not living life to its fullest.

And pain is transformational so running up against a disease, or a loss of a relationship, a job that defines your essence, or even loss of money putting you back to square one – it is not surprising that fighting for change often leads to the appreciation of acceptance.

We don’t have to like what we can’t change, but we can be liberated by it.

The next time you run up against something you weren’t expecting, make the best of it and find meaning in it.

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• Slow down.
• Take time off.
• Live and let live.
• Don’t attempt to convert someone from one religion to another.
• Work for peace.
• Work at a job that offers basic human dignity.
• Don’t hold on to negative feelings.
• Move calmly through life.
• Enjoy arts, books and playfulness.

After he was selected pope, he said smilingly “May God forgive you for what you’ve done”.

What are your top 9 secrets to happiness?

If you’ve never thought about it, start a list right now and feel free to borrow liberally from Pope Francis’ list above.

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It’s not brains.

It’s knowing the difference between fact and assumption.

When we make bad decisions, we are usually basing them on an assumption we have made.  Even the best thinking in the world doesn’t hold up if it’s based on something that is not true.

A fact is something that can be observed and verified.

An assumption is a thing that we accept as true without proof.

Many relationships have been damaged or broken because the parties were not dealing with reality – with is authentic.  Instead, things were said and decisions made based on a belief that could not be proven.

Focus on constantly discerning what is fact and what is assumption.

Most people are quite capable of making great decisions once they can tell the difference between what is real and what they think is real.

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Focus 100% of your attention on the other person.

Most of us are always looking for ways to spend more time with those we love and care about. Often, that time spent is at the expense of other important things and the quality is rushed.

We may think that children want mom and dad to spend more time with them but what they really want is 100% of their parent’s attention.

It’s not surprising we teach our children the wrong things when we’re distracted by business, by phones and by our digital devices.

What prompted me to write this piece is a neighbor who was grilling dinner on the deck while his children were playing. The “chef” had one of those phones attached to his ear and you could hear his business conversation in the next yard.

By the time dinner was done, the steaks (that smelled great) were barbequed but he managed never to interact with his children once. Not a word.

Not pointing fingers. Just saying that whether it’s children, co-workers, spouses or friends, the winning recipe for more quality time is not measured in time spent but in time invested 100% in conversation.

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This is the poignant way Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg described the choice that she had 30 days after the sudden death of her husband Dave Goldberg.

When we lose a loved one, we struggle.

Sandberg’s article is so worth the few minutes it takes to read.

The struggle with loss is always with us – the loss of a loved one who is irreplaceable.  The loss of our careers, marriages, relationships, health and time concern all of us no matter what age.

Goldberg was 47 years old.

Sandberg shared a situation that occurred after her husband’s death that required a father-child activity that he will obviously not be able to make.

So her friend put his arm around her and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

We will always mourn for the first option but expressing our eternal love for someone in real time is the new mission.

Sheryl Sandberg channels a song by Bono, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.”

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Mayo Clinic’s Dr. Amit Sood says that the world is now so fast we find ourselves hurrying even when we’re not late.

Hurry has become a habit.

It’s easy to blame our digital devices but we remain the masters of our digital devices.

This is on us.

If living in the present is our goal – if that is what promises to bring us the most happiness – we are rushing right past the now to what’s next.

The past is a file that you call up, refer to and then click off of.

The future is for planning ahead but we cannot live in the future.

All we have is what’s happening now – good or bad.

To rush past the present is a lost opportunity.

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Robert Hatfield Ellsworth had his own table at Donohue’s steakhouse in Manhattan, a hangout for the rich and famous and not so famous.

When he died recently as the New York Times reported, Ellsworth left $50,000 to each of his two favorite waiters. How’s that’s for a final tip?

But look what one of the waiters said about the art broker’s very generous gift:

“…I’d give back the money tomorrow to have him back because Bob was like a member of the family…”

Even money – lots of it is not as potent a gift than the presence of a kind person.

There are many ways we can show our gratitude in small meaningful ways.

Write a note on the bill of a restaurant.

Tell a person to their face why they are special to you.

Give them the gift of your time in a world where everyone seems to be rushing through living in the present.

Being the fine person you are is the only investment that’s needed to make others happy.

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Turning yourself inside out to make friends is a slippery slope.

Too quickly you may regret the changes that you’ve had to make in the name of friendship and it’s difficult to sustain that which doesn’t come naturally.

When I was divorced, a counselor said to me, spend more time working on the person you want to be not the one you want to meet.

How powerful that was.

And it is true in all kinds of relationships.

Who do you want to be in that friendship?

What kind of a co-worker or boss do you want to be?

What are the four values that guide your happiness (if we don’t know, we should reflect on it)?

And, what four qualities do I like most in others.

When we know where we are going, we have a better chance of getting there.

Meeting nice people starts by being introduced to ourselves first.

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When I don’t worry does that mean I have replaced it with something better?

Worry is a natural reaction to events and actions that make us fearful of losing control.

Once it starts, worry is hard to stop.

And when we worry for years or for a lifetime, it defines us.

So eliminating worry is really not possible without replacing it with something better.

Actually, eliminating worry is fairly doable.

99% of the things we worry about will never happen and the 1% that does is hardly ever exactly what we feared.

Question: looking at it like this, do you think it is a good use of time to worry about things that are likely never to happen as we fear them?

That’s why we should replace worry with something significant, healthy and better for our minds.

The freedom that comes from letting go.

When athletes let go, they play better. When they bear down, they inhibit themselves, slump or underperform.

The antidote for worry should not just be the absence of worry but the newfound freedom that comes from letting go.

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A friend of mine has finally found a relationship that she thinks has long-term potential and yet to hear her talk you would think that she expects the wheels to come off at any time.

Why?

Because that’s what she thinks she deserves.  It’s happened before so she fears it will happen again.

When good things happen, the better response is “I deserve this”.

I’ve earned it.

It changes the wiring in our brain when we initiate positive affirmations instead of negative ones.

What do you think happens to people who say “Something is bound to go wrong”?

It usually does.

But when we say, I deserve my new found good fortune, we pattern our thoughts and as important – our behavior – in a way that produces better outcomes.

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Even though most people know that 99% of the things they constantly worry about will never happen, they continue to pay the toll for fear and worry.

Life is enjoyed when we don’t try to over manage it.

This calls for a new way to look at worry:

• Things that we worry about more often than not turn out to be better than the status quo.
• Very often worry is more about the fear of change than it is what we are specifically worried about.
• For people of faith, putting it in the hands of a higher power is often enough comfort to get them through times of fear and worry.  For others, just giving up control can make a big difference.
• The most effective trigger in dealing with change differently is to consider the high cost you are paying in mental and physical distress.

Concern is forethought.

Worry is fear thought.

Change the way you look at worry and you change your life.

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The best motivation for digging down deep and forgiving another person no matter what the offense is that it primarily benefits us.

We forgive primarily for ourselves – not for the perpetrator of bad deeds.

Forgive doesn’t mean condone.

And it surely doesn’t mean that we have to subject ourselves to further hurt.

People who have been wronged often spend the rest of their lives cloaked in animosity that can turn them into someone they don’t want to be.

Dan Snyder died after riding in a car at excessive speed with his Atlanta Thrasher’s hockey teammate Dany Heatley in 2003.  But Sndyer’s father publicly forgave Heatley, spoke in his defense before the court and allowed Heatley to go on with his career and life even if his son could not.

I’m not sure I could do that – and most certainly it is amazing the Snyder’s could be ready to forgive so soon after losing their son.

When faced with smaller but irritating offenses, I often think of the gift Graham Synder gave himself, his wife and family and young Heatley in the name of forgiveness.

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When we are in relationships that are going well, we accelerate them to the maximum possible speed.

But when these relationships hit a bump in the road how fast we are traveling really matters.

Going 100 miles an hour in a personal relationship is more destructive then going slowly because if you hit that bump slowly you have a much better chance of staying on the road to a good relationship.

But it is a human condition that when things go well, we want more and we want it faster.

How about more – slower?

Enjoy the good times.

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Bosses have a way of fogging our dreams.

When we were hired, goals and dreams matched up, but for some reason all but the exceptional boss hijacked our career narrative.

This can also happen in relationships. We know what we’re looking for but some sequence of events can detour our search for compatible companion and take us far off course.

Even our fitness and health can be adversely upended when we are around people who do not value the benefits of working to be healthy.

Our lives are our own story.

They are too valuable to outsource to anyone else.

We dream.

We aspire.

We know in our hearts the kind of people we want to be with.

Nothing is more empowering than making a daily affirmation to remind yourself to dream on and keep control of the narrative of your life.

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23-year old Rachel Byrk was bullied mercilessly online.

She was born with the name Roger and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.

Finally, she gave up – jumped from The George Washington Bridge.  Her body was found weeks later but she scheduled a post to run a few hours after she jumped that said, “Guess I am dead. Killed myself. Sorry.”

Please believe that bullying of all kinds is running rampant in.

Bully-shaming is made possible because of the Internet and social media.  It allows a segment of the population to not only have a louder voice but gives them a way to deliver haunting messages directly into the minds of their victims.

This is an extreme case of bullying, but other cases are common in high schools across the nation.  In fact, bullying takes place in offices and it is often done by people with too much power who abuse the rights of others.

The good news is – and there is good news – that adults should cut off access to bullies and to not react to them in any way.  This deprives them of the very thing they crave when bullying others.

React and you encourage more bullying.

For children, help them and reassure them to understand that they are fine the way they are and that others who seek to bully should be dismissed and disregarded on each and every attempt.

In our new world that brings us the many gifts of interactivity and social interaction, we must police ourselves from those who abuse easy access to their victims.

We do it by loving ourselves as many minutes a day as possible.

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When you run a mile, two miles seems better.

When you accomplish all your goals in a day, doing even more somehow seems right.

When you win, you want to keep playing.

You get the idea.

But metrics can also be our enemy.

It’s not how physically fit can you get by reaching certain plateaus; it’s how healthy do you feel.

It’s not how many things can you accomplish in a day, but which ones are giving the most fulfillment.

Not about constantly achieving when all it makes you do is continue to run without savoring any victories.

The best metric to live by in my view is to ask yourself how many days are you happy.

The end effect of everything we do should be to achieve some kind of happiness.

Happiness is not a number.

It’s a feeling and if we track it like we track other things life gets even more rewarding.

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