Face it, we all live with self-absorbed people.

Sometimes, we are the self-absorbed.

People who can focus only on themselves are boring.  They are rude.  And they are missing out on the closeness that can come by showing sincere interest in other people.

I know a person who only needs one sentence from me and from there goes on to talk about herself for as long as you are willing to listen.

Remember that Bette Midler movie line:  “So enough about me, what about you, what do you think about me?”

Dale Carnegie always advised talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

This seems so not possible in a world where it is all always about “me”.

So I promised some strategies for living with self-absorbed people, here goes:

1. Keep interrupting them and ask the question you want to know.  If they continue to go back to their long diatribe, get up and leave.  Taking the oxygen out of the room puts an end to self-absorption.  Same is true of self-absorption by text messaging.  Stop.
2. Do not attempt to talk about you – self-absorbed people will circle back to themselves so the only defense you have is to cut it short.  If it’s your boss who is self-absorbed, start looking for a new job.
3. You won’t be surprised that no matter how many times you say supportive things, the self-absorbed person will just continue to ramble on.

The HBO series “Girls” is a parody on self-absorption.  It’s funny and true. Fans may remember the episode when Hannah (Lena Dunham) attended a funeral and somehow made the funeral about her not the deceased.  Now, this is a parody, but it is also close to the truth.

We live in a Twitter world – what if our response was no longer than a “tweet” and just as creative?

Something tells me we have discovered a new tool for putting an end to self-centered people commandeering our lives.

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Isn’t it sad that almost all of us have to battle the fear of something?

Even in spite of the reassuring reality that 99.9% of the things we fear will never come true.

And on the small statistical chance that it does, that fear is nothing like what we were dreading.

When you talk to people who have overcome fear, they will tell you two things.

Do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.

And, small steps are just as effective as big leaps.

In the past, some airlines used to offer courses for fearful fliers.  They would start the classes on the ground, graduate to an actual airplane that never takes off and finally, a test flight for a very short duration that returns the fearful passengers to the airport from which the plane took off.

Understand the fear and even feel it.

Take a small step (in this case) to an airliner that is not going to take off.

Then, a very short flight to build up confidence.

No matter what worries us, ruminating over it only makes it worse.

The breakthrough invariably comes when we confront our fears and then take small, positive, reassuring steps to conquer them.

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I asked a classroom of USC students if they would like me to share with them a way in which they could do only 20% of everything they had to do each day and yet be 80% productive.

There was silence.

Finally, after a long uncomfortable pause, a young woman said “Yes, Professor” and she was the only one.

I share this because it amazes me what kind of crazy culture we live in where we feel we are required to do everything that comes our way so much so that we are willing to do more than one thing at a time (multitasking).

My students looked at me like I was crazy for suggesting that they prioritize what is important and focus on only that.  And to keep prioritizing all day long.

In other words, not everything on our shoulders has to be done today or at this moment.

Life is too stressful.  We are battling anxiety every minute of the day.

By making constant decisions as to what is the best use of our time at any given moment we discover the antidote for stressful multitasking.

An “A” priority must be done today – now, before we leave.

A “B” is tomorrow’s potential “A” and it waits to be elevated up in priority.

And a “C” is a holding list for items we want to do, are asked to do and other things that haven’t in our opinion been elevated to “A” or “B”.

I have found that most “C’s” never make it to “A” meaning you’ll never need to do them if you constantly ask yourself the question what is the best use of my time right now.

And as if I needed another reason to reject multitasking I never forget that there is nothing worse than doing something well that doesn’t need to be done at all.

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When we feel vulnerable we are setting the table for undue concerns over the future.

There are two important things.

Fear thought – Anxiety about the future that is not likely to occur.

Forethought –  Embracing the future to live the life we want to live and accomplish the things that are important to us.

Kids are happier because they don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the future or lamenting the past.

Even by our teen years and beyond, we lose this childlike ability to not get lost within our own minds.

People are happier when they are living in the moment instead of ruminating about the past or the future because neither one of these places bring us real happiness.

When we fear life we run the risk of losing it.

It is no accident that – when you think about it – our happiest moments are those that appear to be “carefree” or as I like to call them, not burdened by that which already happened and that which probably will never happen in the future.

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Almost 100% of everyone you know is too hard on themselves.

Even people who seem to be braggers are often covering up what may be lacking in their personalities.

We are truly our own worst enemies.

Sometimes we can see this but often we can see it in others easier.

For every word of criticism – even so-called “constructive criticism” we need to also provide a positive statement or else we get lost in a barrage of negativity.

Dale Carnegie’s first human relation principle is “don’t criticize, condemn or complaint”.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

Every person can discover on their own how to improve without hearing it in a form of judgment from others (and this includes employers, parents, and friends).

Resist criticizing others and yourself.

Ask questions instead.

“How do you think you could have made that presentation better?”

“Are you satisfied with the way you and your friend dealt with that problem?”

You probably don’t have to look very far to see the devastating effects of tearing a person down instead of helping them through questioning that allows them to build themselves up.

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Why is it that we tend to remember every negative word that is said to us and somehow forget the positive ones?

It’s like we engrave criticism from others in our brain but fail to do the same for the compliments we receive.

Why is it that we rely so much on others to make us feel good when the responsibility is 100% ours?

We are the master of our mind.

Here’s a solution you may find helpful.

Never let anyone record directly into your subconscious because it sticks like glue.

Even praise from others can be dangerous if we begin to rely on that person for continued praise.  And sometimes, this turns into the start of a co-dependent relationship where the praise giver gets the power to make others feel good and not so good when praise turns to criticism.

When done the right way, you provide the positive input directly into your mind and then when another person says something complimentary, consider it reaffirmation of what you already know about yourself — more evidence that you are good person.

Nothing improves self-esteem more than taking charge of what you allow into your head.

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There are medical studies that reveal that the more husbands and wives talked to each other in the evening, the lower the amount of stress-producing cortisol is in their blood levels.

Nonetheless couples studied still spent only 10% of their daily time in this more healthful state.

The secret is that the more time we spend with others, the better it is for them – and for us.

So, it is not just the time we spend with people we care about.

It’s the time we are fully present with another person that reaps the greatest benefit.

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Life is not only difficult as Scott Peck has written, but it’s becoming darn near impossible to have any time left for yourself.

I was having lunch with a friend the other day at CPK and we both took notice of a mother who had three well-behaved young children sitting with her at her nearby table.

What caught our attention is that all three of them were coloring with crayons.  They were not keeping busy with games on a smartphone as many parents do to distract their children.

Upon leaving my friend walked over and congratulated the mom on helping to set a great example early in life of the importance of balance of digital and interpersonal contact.

But what of OUR lives?

Too busy?

Too connected?

Not enough time to think?

Digital tools are just tools – great ones that none of us want to give up.  But they are not a substitute for living life in the present with other people.

What a wonderful reminder that we wouldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner without health repercussions and consuming too many screens, too many texts or emails and looking down at our palms too frequently is not a balanced life.

Reward yourself with a real live in the moment “moment” from time to time because you’ve earned it.

No person, no digital device can give you more “you” time until you stand up for you.

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A friend always said, “what a wonderful world this would be if we could choose our own parents” – a suggestion that we take both the good and bad that we inherit from our parents because we have no other choice.

Family heartbreak is among the most devastating of all pain that we feel.

One reason is because of the expectation that relatives are somehow special because they are related to us.

In fact, I know a lot of people – me included – who have had friends that we consider the same as close family because they have earned the right to be family.

On the other side, there are people who may be related who you wouldn’t choose out of a lineup for, say, a brother or sister.

When families have strong bonded relationships among the members it is because of who they are not, not from which family they were born into.

This reminds us to always be the person we want to be and never feel badly if someone who carries our same name or line of parentage disappoints.

It’s not who we’re related to.

It’s how good is the relationship.

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A 1-hour a day increase in playing video games was found to increase math reasoning scores by 9.3% of standard deviation based on a Monash University study in Australia of 3-18 year olds and reported in Harvard Business Review.

That’s the same as spending the same time studying at school or at home.

Video games appear to help young people with their problem solving abilities.

So, parents don’t have to worry as much about video games.

What they need to worry about is anti-social behavior that is on the increase among all ages including adults who bury themselves in their digital devices at the expense of interacting with others.

A digital device is no excuse for being rude, distracted, withdrawn or selfish.

Life is lived in the now not on a screen.

Digital devices are aides to life not a replacement for it.

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For every negative thought that creeps into your mind to eat away at self-esteem, vow to also conjure up a countering positive thought.

15 negative thoughts during the day?

Then you’ll supply 15 countering positive things.

“I’m feeling very anxious.  I can’t get on that airplane” is balanced with “I flew 3 times last year and I did it”.

“I’m going to get fired” balanced with “I was picked out of all other candidates to get this job”.

“He or she is going to leave me” replaced with “I am very lovable”.

Bad things happen but the fear of bad things is what kills us and obliterates our self-esteem.

You know people who do this.

You may be one of them.

We all carry around negative thoughts and the more we let them occupy our minds unanswered, the more they define us and create further anxiety.

In the end, whatever you fear, you have probably already dealt with successfully in one way or another.

My favorite mantra is:  “I’ve done it before and I can do it again”.

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Do a Google search for fat shaming and 243,000 items will come up.

Haters tried to body shame Iggy Azalea so she shut down her Twitter account.

The best response I have seen lately is from the talented and beautiful singer Kelly Clarkson.

A British newspaper columnist said about Clarkson “Jesus, what happened to Kelly Clarkson? Did she eat all of her backing singers? Happily I have wide-screen”.

Clarkson when confronted with these public insults was unaware of them but added that the columnist didn’t know her.

But her response was textbook:  “I’ve just never cared what people think. It’s more if I’m happy and I’m confident and feeling good, that’s always been my thing. And more so now, since having a family — I don’t seek out any other acceptance.”

Body shaming of any kind is not acceptable in our world.

The best defense is to dismiss haters and stand up for yourself just the way you are.

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Every day for a month, think of one thing you like about yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just something different every day.

The process of doing this will begin to change patterns in the brain that bog us down with undue negativity.

The human mind left to wander will always focus on what’s wrong instead of what is right. It may go back to our hunter/gatherer days where danger doomed constantly but in modern society, the threats have changed from physical ones to psychological ones.

Jot down the one thing you like about yourself each day on a piece of paper or on your favorite digital device.

After 31 days you’ll be impressed about two things.

That you’re training yourself to look for positive things about you – not just thinking about it.

And how fine a person you are just the way you are – Mister Rogers was right.

To put an end to negative thinking and poor self-esteem, train yourself to find one thing each day that makes you proud to be you.

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Did you hear about the two Tennessee girl’s basketball coaches who encouraged their teams to lose.

Hey, the Philadelphia 76ers among other pro basketball teams are being accused of the same thing, but high school girls?

Each teams incentive to lose was getting placed on the other side of the playoff bracket from a powerhouse school.  This so-called bracketology approach was pointed out by the coaches to the girls and apparently they got the message.

You’ve got to look at these two videos, you won’t believe it.

The girls intentionally missed 12 of 16 free throws.  The refs had enough when one girl was going to intentionally shoot at the wrong basket.

Fortunately, both teams were subsequently disqualified from the playoffs because of these shenanigans.

When did playing to win get to be not enough?

When did teaching impressionable young people to throw a game become acceptable?

Trying is winning.

Playing harder is winning.

Overcoming adversity is winning.

Knowing how to lose is rehearsing how to win tomorrow.

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As a child, I ran when someone came at me with a camera (maybe I felt I didn’t want to break it, eh?).

Because of technology I have so many pictures on my digital devices and on the cloud that I can hardly remember life without taking photos all day.

February 25^th – the date of what would have been my father’s birthday – I wished that I had as many videos and pictures as I do of myself and other things that don’t matter as much.  My wife never met him.  It seems that by today’s standards, I hardly have enough pictures and videos to show her.  My dad and I both had dimples in our chin.  Oh well …

Vivid memories.

Photos are never bad – they are usually happy reminders.  I don’t think we can ever have too many, what about you?

Living in the present and not being on the lookout for our next Instagram moment is the one danger we must be aware of because in pursing the next social photo, we run the risk of not enjoying the moment and soaking it in.

Like life, it’s a balance.

My iPhone 6 has the second best camera that I’ve ever carried around.

The best is my imagination, which also records visions that are attached to feelings, and which can be as vividly recalled as a photo.

To take photos mindful of experiencing each vivid moment in real time – that’s my goal.

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Maybe it’s because of social media but does it seem that there are more haters than ever before?

If so, you’re not alone.

A hater wants to knock a person down.

They cannot find it in their hearts to be happy for a person so they find public ways to explore a flaw in that person.

Often these haters are people you never really think about.  It’s bad enough for older people but it is maddening for teens and young people.

So here is a secret for shutting haters down.

Give it 24 hours and do not react.

If you respond even once, you feed the monster.

This is why some battles go on for years because the parties never stop reacting to each other.

If it bothers you that what a hater says or does reflects on you, take some solace in the fact that most people are on to haters thanks to our social media connectivity.  So there is probably no need to defend yourself and bring on more hatred.

Never let anyone program what you think of yourself.  Your head is off limits to others.  Only you are allowed in to your head.

Hit delete on haters.

Or as Taylor Swift advises – shake it off.

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate


Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake


Shake it off

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A dream is a cherished aspiration or ideal.

A dreamer is a person with hope.

A schemer is one who actively or passively discourages someone’s dream.

When we are driven by our dreams, good things happen.

When we abandon them, something seems to be missing.

No person should ever discourage another’s dream.

Every dream is worth pursing.

Once, when speaking to a group of college students, a young man stood up and said that he wanted to be a musician but his father discouraged him saying it was a pipe dream.  He asked, “When do you know to move on from a dream?”

My response:  You will know if you listen to yourself.  Sometimes we never abandon our dreams and hopes.  And sometimes, we let them go when are ready.

In any case, we are always better off for having desired that which sometimes seems so unattainable.

What is life without great hope?

Let us vow to never let go of our dreams before we’re ready and never utter a word of discouragement to others who look to all that is possible in life.

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If Dale Carnegie is right about one more thing, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Dead for over 50 years, this unique human being and author of How To Win Friends & Influence People never goes out of style even if the stories he tells in his book are a little long in the tooth.

“Ask questions instead of giving direct orders”.

A study published in the September Journal of Experimental Psychology involved 9,000 commuters on the Bay Area Rapid Transit.

They tried two different signs to see which one would make the commuters take the stairs.

One sign contained a question that said, “Stair climbing improves your health. Will you take the stairs?”

The other sign was a command that said, “Stair climbing improves health. Take the stairs”.

The command got a more immediate impact.

Asking for cooperation got the best long-term cooperation.

Different types of communication are appropriate for different situations.

In general if we want to win cooperation, it is better to ask for it.

Take it to the USC classroom where I started each semester by pulling my iPhone out of my pocket and saying, “Would you mind if I left my phone on? I won’t take calls or answer texts while I’m teaching unless it’s urgent. Will you do the same for me?”

I never had a problem – ever – with a rude student on their digital devices.

So they could answer a text, but applied judgment.

They could step out and answer a call if they deemed it necessary. Usually, they didn’t.

Instead by asking for cooperation, you usually get it.

So I’m glad to see more research evidence and thought you’d like to know about it.

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Take Kendall Jenner, the beautiful model from the Kardashian family.

Two other models took exception to the way she looked while having her hair done for the Donna Karan show during New York Fashion Week recently.

One sarcastically said, “she’s never looked better” with a laughing emoji.

Another said, “That’s f*cked up” with more laughing emojis.

Look at the picture.  You be the judge.

The Ford Agency that represented one of the bullies walked it back as a silly comment but only after it went viral as some kind of damage control.

Kendall Jenner has been the target of many bullying attempts that goes to show that even the beautiful are made to feel ugly by not so nice people.

How bad is cyberbullying?

When I was in high school, one guy always used to call me a “bucked teeth duck” every time he saw me – in the hall on the way to class, or walking into class in front of everyone.

It was bad enough to deal with his hurtful comments then just at school.  I can only imagine what it would have been like to have that comment reverberating all over social media.

By the way, I ran into this bully at a class reunion.  We did not speak.

I just smiled so he could see my beautiful white television-ready veneers.

Where is social media when I need it?

The scourge of this great social media revolution is haters and bullies who use something good to hurt people from the safety of their digital devices.

Then, like now, the answer is to push them back.  A bully always runs.

The best revenge is living well and being happy.

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The 48-year-old wife, mother and supermodel allowed this photo shoot image of herself in a bikini to be seen unretouched.

People in Hollywood know that lighting and makeup are an actor or actresses’ best friends.  They are, after all, human and look like humans most other times.  But while they are sensitive to how they look in their profession, our society is too fixated on looks all the time.

That’s why Cindy Crawford allowed her real tummy to show.

I wish I could give the same compliments to Marie Claire magazine, the publication that now stands by the photo.  But someone other than Marie Claire leaked it.  What’s important is that Cindy Crawford stands by it and that’s the right thing to do.

It’s okay to have a belly that jiggles.

Dimples and reminders of childbirth.

Today a lot more women are proud of their bodies because Cindy Crawford is proud of hers.

We can keep it going.

This is a lesson worth learning and teaching to those who look to us for guidance about how to be authentic in more than just words.

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