Those of you who know me personally will probably never believe that I was painfully shy as a child – so shy, my teachers encouraged my parents to force me into a children’s theater group to break out of my shell.

I hated it.

And hated that I felt trapped in my own body.

But then around 16 – and fueled by my almost impossible desire to be a disc jockey – I started coming out of it.  And oh yes, maybe my parents were right to push me into appearing before large public audiences in high school.

Today, even my closest friends laugh when I tell this story.

YOU shy?

Why would a shy guy become such a loudmouth – okay, at least someone with an on-air radio and TV career?

And that is because I learned how to not fear being in public – Today, I love audiences and love to perform.

But – and this is the point – underneath, I am still a shy guy.  I love my time alone.  I can walk on the beach forever but at some point, I like some balance and want to return to other side of my personality.

I taught public speaking for many years and encouraged my students to be themselves – don’t imitate what you think a speaker should be.

Speak about that which you have earned the right to speak about and you will always be compelling.

Be humble and show your humanness.

Some of the best speakers are very shy and some of the worst look so slick and polished that in your heart you know they are not real.

Shy is an incredible gift of introspection.

The only time shyness is a liability is when it stops you from being yourself in public.

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Look, I love my digital devices as much as the next person but being distracted by them in the company of another is just ignorant.

Doing it in front of your kids is asking for a payback in not too many more years.

Digital devices are the miracle of our age, but they are not a lifestyle.

Here’s some help dealing with rudeness:

Self-absorbed people who constantly obsess about themselves – cut the oxygen that feeds it, walk away, say bye, move on.  No ugly confrontation is necessary.

For those who are bored or disinterested in what you are saying – stop saying it.  Unless you need to say things people don’t want to hear, move on.

Hurtful people – When someone hurts your feelings, take a quick moment to be compassionate (i.e., it must be awful to be that other person and have to say hurtful things).  We often say hurtful things back when such comments are first directed at us.

Bullies – Push back and defend your boundaries without excuses every time.

Jealousy – is like the flu.  Try not to get it and don’t spread it to someone else.

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56-year old Detroit resident James Robertson walks 21 miles to and from work each day.

He leaves his home at 8am and doesn’t return home until 4am if a passerby doesn’t give him a ride.   And he does this Monday through Friday.

He gets only a few hours sleep.

And I thought being a radio dj was tough!

Makes you wonder – would you walk 21 miles to and from work daily for your job?

Robertson couldn’t afford a car on his $10.55 an hour pay.

And then the Internet intervened.

A student at Wayne State University set up a GoFundMe account in Robertson’s name and raised enough money for him to buy a car.

Enough was raised to buy a luxury vehicle, but Robertson decided on a Ford Taurus.  You see, he likes Fords and he said, “They’re simple on the outside, strong on the inside — like me.”

I’m big on overcoming problems – not because I like problems, God knows I have enough and I’m sure you do, too.

But anything that makes us prove we will go to any length to accomplish our goals, makes us stronger and more likely to attain them.

It makes me think – if we don’t have a job that we would make great sacrifices to keep, it is time to find that job.

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That’s the fascinating title of a new book by Gabriele Oettingen that argues keeping in mind obstacles to your dreams is a more effective way of achieving goals.

Norman Vincent Peale and Dale Carnegie are turning over in their graves over this new theory, I am sure.

The author has what she thinks is a better way – wish, outcome, obstacle, plan or WOOP for short.

I have an obvious fascination for that which motivates us.

For me, picturing in my mind’s eye that which I want to accomplish and spending hours and hours seeing my wish in vivid terms (colors, smells, feelings, outcomes) allows me to put up with a lot of suffering to get to my goal.  I am relentless once motivated in this way.

I also appreciate the fine art of not getting what I want as a motivator.

Why?

Because when I hit the wall, it gives me a chance to either retreat, climb it or run into it again.

But I don’t dismiss the benefits of rethinking positive thinking – the simplistic “you can do it” attitude that permeates our world in a way that just sounds like snake oil to most.

Whatever works for you is positive thinking.

Because in the end, no dream is attained without a plan to get there along with the necessary constant tests to see if we really want it that badly.

That’s a good thing.

“The solution isn’t to do away with dreaming and positive thinking. Rather, it’s making the most of our fantasies by brushing them up against the very thing most of us are taught to ignore or diminish: the obstacles that stand in our way” — Gabriele Oettingen

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When things are going our way, life is so easy.

Somehow we expect it to keep going our way.

But when things get tough – bad breaks, bad decisions, disappointment – things seem to get a whole lot tougher.

Winning streaks come easy, but adversity introduces us to ourselves and those around us.

It requires a plan and some positive self-talk.

• List every accomplishment – small or large, in all areas of your life – for the past year.  Read that list every day.  Add to it.  You’ll never have to subtract.
• Recall three of the biggest disappointments of your past life – then, give yourself credit for how you got through it.
• My secret weapon is that I know good luck doesn’t have my name written on it every day of my life, but I never forget that we have ups and downs so that when I have a down, I know what’s coming next.
• Try to level your emotions.  For some of us that may be difficult.  Keep expectations low and motivation high and you will almost never be disappointed.
• When you’re really down, change the subject.  Take the focus off you for a while and direct it kindly and lovingly toward someone else.

“If you don’t like something about yourself, fix it, but if you can’t fix it accept it and learn to love it because you can’t be anyone else” – Sonya Parker

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Pete Carroll called for or allowed a pass instead of a one-yard run that would have won the Super Bowl championship for the second year in a row.

Carroll, a great coach and motivator beloved by his players, took full responsibility for the screw up.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick is arguably the best coach in pro football history but his team wouldn’t have won the game on the one-yard line without Seattle’s timely mistake.

What does this tell us?

That mistakes are made every day even ones that will be enshrined forever in the sports all of shame.

That Pete Carroll doesn’t just know how to win.

He also knows how to lose with grace and dignity which almost guarantees that he will win once again.

There is no embarrassment to winning “just” one Super Bowl as pundits seem to be suggesting of Carroll – ask The Philadelphia Eagles and other teams who have never won even one Super Bowl trophy.

We are entitled to nothing in life – contrary to our apparent values these days.

We win when we learn the lessons of losing.

The more painful it is, the more we find out how badly we want to overcome adversity.

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up” –Vince Lombardi

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You knew this had to happen.

Too much House of Cards can be hazardous to your health.

A new study conducted by the University of Texas at Austin concluded that viewers who binge watch TV shows one right after the other in one sitting may be doing so to deal with feelings of depression and loneliness.

All of a sudden our harmless addiction gets even worse.

The 300 people 18-29 in the study also correlated binge watching in one marathon session to fatigue, obesity and lack of self-control.

The obvious response I usually hear is:  “I don’t have the time to binge watch” yet bingeing is on the increase across all demographics not just 18-29 year olds.  They must be watching all these shows at some point?  Maybe weekends?  Are we in denial?

It is easier in a digital world to become addicted to being connected – to accessing what we want when we want it.   But there are downsides.

Observe couples and families dining out and distracted all the way through dinner.

Attend a sports event and ask yourself the question, “Did these people actually pay for that expensive ticket to be texting all during the game?”

The answer is simpler than we might think – and it is the same answer that applied to all obsessions before the digital age.

Balance.

Exercise and rest (then binge watch a few shows).

Eat well and be happy.

Encourage rich personal relationships one on one.

And my favorite — sometimes just give up control. (I dare you to try this – you’ll write back with some amazing stories).

Let someone else choose how you spend a few hours together.

Let others pick the subject they want to talk about and stick to it.

The new rule:  Let go as often as you obsess.

Now you’re ready for House of Cards when it returns February 27^th as part of a balanced daily diet of common sense.

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski was successful enough by all standards winning two college basketball championships and going to the big dance in four of the previous five years.

He was burned out.  Didn’t give himself time to recover from painful back surgery. He just seemed to keep doing it all by himself.

Until Coach K decided to take a full year off from coaching passing the responsibilities to his staff.  Before he walked away, Coach K ran everything himself.  In the year off, he stayed away from the team.  When he returned, he became the king of delegation.

Recently Coach K won his 1,000^th game – without the games not played in the year he took off.

He learned two key lessons.

One, learn to delegate like a Fortune 500 CEO.

Two, pick and choose how to spend the time in his day.

Life is a marathon not a sprint so it is understandable how we can burn ourselves out pushing too hard for too long.

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I saw a couple with a TV psychologist sitting in between them, promising to help the two disagreeing married folks get along better.

The husband aired his complaint and then the psychologist asked the wife to repeat it to see if she got the essence of what was bothering him.  She then went through the same drill.  Neither one could seem to repeat the exact objection of their partner.

Getting people to listen to each other sometimes seems impossible – I mean, have you seen your boss totally ignore what you are saying to her?  Or your husband says “yes, yes” and mean “no, no”.

I discovered this more effective way of communicating through a friend of mine who perhaps was and is the best communicator I have ever known.

Respond – don’t react.

Most of us have already formulated the answers in our mind when the other person is talking.  Simply training ourselves to take a moment, a beat – 15 or 30 seconds, if you can, to digest it and think about responding changes everything.

Most of the things we regret are things we say without thinking first.

Responding does not mean always agreeing.  The seconds that it takes to resist the temptation to immediately react and argue or maybe get overly emotional is worth the extra breath.  It gives our minds a chance to kick in.

Responding and not reacting can transform relationships to a new level where we think with our minds and feel with our hearts.

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Taylor Swift is a thought leader for the Millennial generation.

Her fans love her because she seems to really love them back.

Recently Swift told a bullied fan “not to let ugly words get into your beautiful mind”.

Why aren’t we thinking like this – our minds are not waste cans, they are beautiful things that have the immense capability of doing great things.

Here is her specific advice:

“And if someone punches you again, call the police and report them because that is assault. I’m serious. There’s no direct penalty for bullying with words (except karma) but no one is allowed to hit you. Ever.”

It’s not just children who are bullied.  Bullying is also rampant in adults – psychological bullying such as the ex-boyfriend who sent naked pictures of his former girlfriend to porn sites.  I’m happy to report, he is being sued by a new breed of attorneys who are using unusual tactics such as copyrighting the private pictures so there can be legal redress.

Now that’s pushback!

As Jennifer Lawrence said in this age when people more routinely share intimate pictures with each other, it’s my body and I get to decide.

As far as Taylor Swift is concerned, some of her social media sites were hacked (hey, that’s bullying, too) and the hackers threatened to publish naked pictures of her.   She didn’t hesitate to push back saying “good luck with Photoshop because there aren’t any”.

The answer to bullying is no.

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One of my favorite gems is: “there’s nothing worse than doing something well that doesn’t need to be done at all”.

Just one critical step before we pour our time and effort into that which we want to accomplish could make all the difference in the world.

What’s the goal?

What do we specifically want to accomplish?

It’s amazing how many people set off to change the world and fix what’s broken without spending enough time figuring out what would make a positive difference.

Meetings are the biggest time wasters but no one seems to get the message. They wind up being rambling and sometimes dangerous interludes that do nothing toward accomplishing goals. Never have a meeting without first identifying the goal.

Improving your health is laudable but it is such a general wish. What specifically do you want to accomplish? Run longer and faster to build more stamina – there, it’s identified.

Being a better parent? Again, who doesn’t want that goal? Identify a meaningful way to be a better parent. For example: discover new things together with your children without cellphones interfering.

Changing careers? Why? What is your dream? If you know that, you can work on acquiring the skills that will bring you success.

You can’t hit a target you cannot see.

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In years gone by that I would like to forget, I can remember sitting in a lawyer’s office in America’s playground, Camden, NJ, getting madder by the minute.

He was not too proud to throw red meat at me — to keep reminding me of everything the ex was trying to do in his opinion and by the time I left the office I was so worked up I forget that I should have been hoping my car wasn’t stolen in the crack capital of the state.

It was like Saul Goodman of Better Call Saul TV fame.

Animosity comes with the breakdown of relationships – and it doesn’t just take lawyers to feed the monster, often relatives and close friends do it in their attempt to be supportive.

Divorce or breaking up with a former loved one is not a game with winners and losers even if the courts and the laws lose sight of the children who are often the victims.

There is a lot on the line – money, houses, children, hurt feelings, rejection, unresolved anger.

Fast forward years down the road and it’s interesting that both sides of a breakup usually move on – some even happily – and life goes on for all.

Neither partner is the villain.

My daughter’s favorite chapter in my book Out of Bad Comes Good, The Advantages of Disadvantages is the one on divorce in which I conclude that out of bad marriages come good people.

Sometimes we’re not the right partners, sometimes it’s not the right time and sometimes we can do great things like bring beautiful children into the world.

Even if the system makes it difficult, divorce is about healing and future chances to make life right for the parties involved.

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Politicians experience tremendous highs from the adulation of winning an election, to the agony of defeat that often follows later in their careers.

A successful executive can be riding high until they hit a bump in the road and then they fall off their pedestal.

Beloved people can be hated.

Hated people can be given a second chance.

What is more important than being successful?

Success is fleeting – it is a product of learning from failure.

More important than being rich – after all, a Pew study tells us that it only takes the average couple $75,000 a year for them to be happy.  Anything over that, according to what they told Pew, didn’t make them happier.

What one quality can make a person loved in good times and bad?

Humility.

Humility is the other “h” word – other than hubris, which is excessive pride or self-confidence.

The Dali Lama comes to mind.

Amit Sood, MD, the author of Stress Free Living is nothing if not humble.

Mariano Rivera, the great Yankees relief pitcher was beloved by fans as much as their opponent hated the Yankees.

Humility is the fine art of giving credit to everyone else when it is being heaped on you.

No one doesn’t like a person who gives credit to others – maybe even them.

I could stand to be better at this, how about you?

I have had a few moments.  For example, I do not have any awards that have been given to me in my possession.  I have given them all away publicly to the people who helped me earn them.   I handed my mentor at Dale Carnegie, Jim Weinraub, the award I received for giving the best speech to instructors and I did it in front of our peers.

Now that I think of it, I need to do more of this kind of stuff.

Humility is the quality that not only makes a person beloved, it makes us feel better about ourselves.

And the glue to make it all authentic is to be sincere.

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When the Seahawks and Patriots play their Super Bowl game for arguably the greatest championship in sports, both teams will have a 50% chance of winning the game before it begins.

Yes, that Arizona Sun could blind New England or the lack of rain could stifle the Seattle game plan but in theory both teams are showing up thinking that they can win it all that day.

Maybe not by halftime if one team is hopelessly behind, or maybe yes if they believe in miracles to borrow a phrase from Al Michaels.

When two teams play, one doesn’t show up and say I am afraid to lose.  They think, I am willing to lose if I expect to win.

But we humans are not always that pumped up.

In fact, 99% of the time if we show up afraid to lose, we are not going to win.

What baseball player thinks, “Don’t hit the ball to me, I might drop it”.

It’s the opposite, they think “Hit the ball to me, I want it”.  They don’t worry about making mistakes.

If you study successful people, they are less afraid to lose which gives them a better chance to win.

How does this apply to us – actually, it hits close to home.

For example when we say, “I really don’t want to blow this” we are focusing on the negative, becoming too cautious, too concerned about doing what we do best.

Or when we say, “I’ve waited a long time for this chance” we are subconsciously saying “and I better not blow it”.

You know the fabled tale of the modern parent who tells her kids that they won the soccer match even when they lost it.  You know, they’re trying to keep their spirits up but they are robbing them of a life-changing lesson.

There is much value to losing – what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger as Kelly Clarkson sang to us.  And it is true.

If Serena Williams secretly thought, “I’m afraid to lose” she’d be doing all the work for her opponent.

You have to be willing to lose to win.

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February shows the biggest decline for attendance at health clubs of any month in the year.

Ironically, January is the biggest growth time because people generally want to resolve to get in better shape for the New Year.

So much for that.

What it says to me is that we humans often want that which we are not committed to achieving.

A 2006 study by researchers at London’s University College indicates that it takes 66 days to form a habit – or about two months.

A lot of research turns out to be just curiosity but this little stat is packed with power.

In others words, instead of saying, “I want to be healthier next year” what if we said, “I will devote two months to doing what it takes to be healthier next year”.

I’ve always believed when we fail at something we are not necessarily saying we cannot attain it, we are saying we don’t really want to attain it – aren’t willing to pay the price, devote the time or have the true burning desire to accomplish our goals.

No wonder then when we fail and keep going back for more as Thomas Edison did 10,000 times before inventing the light bulb that we are saying I really want to accomplish that goal no matter how long it takes.

People have said to me “It must be so nice to be your own boss and have your own business” to which I have to shut my mouth to keep from saying, “I work 7 days a week – I want to do this, I love to do this.  There is nothing easy about it”.

The secret is – if you can’t commit 2 months to making the change or forming the new habit you desire, don’t bother because you’re likely to fail.

The Two-Month rule does all the work for us – all we have to do is ask ourselves.

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I was fired as program director of a major market radio station once for succeeding too much.

The station was number one in teens and young adults but the station said they couldn’t sell that to advertisers so they axed me and brought in someone to attract an older audience.

It didn’t work.

The station went on to lose listeners and eventually did so poorly the owners sold the radio station.

Peter Laviolette is a Stanley Cup winning coach hired by The Philadelphia Flyers a few years ago to help them do the same thing. In his first year, Lavy took The Flyers to the Stanley Cup finals. Over the ensuing years, he did well enough to earn a raise and contract extension.

But something awful happened.

After losing the first three games of that new contract season, the team’s impatient 80-year old owner allowed this winning coach to be fired. Laviolette sat out the rest of the year and eventually signed with The Nashville Predators, which at the All-Star break this year had the best record in the NHL.

Lousy coach? Good coach?

These are just two of the many stories that we hear too often – perhaps you have one of them as well.

Getting fired when you’re doing the job – even doing a great job or earning a promotion.

In our venture capital/results now world, more and more people are becoming victims of bean counters who don’t even know what the people they are firing do so well.

They may get to tell you whether you have a job or not, but they don’t get to say that you have failed when you actually succeeded.

In fact, study any successful person in almost any type of career and you will see that along the way some damn fool doubted their ability to get the job done.

Don’t you do that.

I’m doing just fine.

Peter Laviolette has a shot at another Stanley Cup ring – a year ago when someone else decided he wasn’t the coach they wanted, he didn’t believe it.

And you will live another day to do what you do best.

Hire yourself every morning – and remind yourself why.

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Life is more stressful than ever.

We need to be the best, do the best – super-achieve.  And unfortunately we sell this snake oil to friends, associates, family and even ourselves.

And in the name of candor this hits close to home for me, as I am a perfectionist – guilty as charged.

Could you imagine saying that your children are cute, but they could be cuter.

Or that your friend is so loyal and caring but could be more so.

That your day on the beach was beautiful but if you didn’t have those two white clouds over the ocean, it would have been even better.

Thinking like this is pure insanity.

There are times in the day when pointing our shortcomings is worthwhile especially if you’re in charge of the wellbeing of others.  But not all day.

So, take the challenge I am taking for myself today – don’t try to improve anyone for 24 hours.

In fact, laugh to yourself when you get the urge and wonder how this poor person is going to go on without my perfectionist attitude.

Of course, they will and you will be closer to them.

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You’d think in the instant text-messaging world in which we live it would be impossible to not receive an answer to a text.

But it happens and it happens more than most people think.

No answer to your email or text, no problem.

No return phone call?  Why not?

But it may seem that when others want YOU to respond things are different.

What to do?

Here is a gem that may help.

People want what they cannot have.

They crave that which is often out of reach.  It’s part of the human condition.

So when you find yourself being ignored, take a step back and operate under the digital radar.  It’s not always on purpose but there is too much communication sometimes.

When I was a professor at USC I learned that no matter how much I prepared, or cared to teach the elements of the course, I could only do so when the students wanted to learn.

That was it.

Make them want to learn.

Same with relationships in the digital world.

Make them want to converse with you.  Just because we can doesn’t mean we should pound away until we get a response.

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The way not to win the approval of others is to spend your time trying to please them.

When trying to win the approval of others, look to yourself first.

The baseball great Ted Williams batted over .400 one season, something that has happened very infrequently in the sport.

But that means that 60% of the time, Williams was out – didn’t get a hit, didn’t help the team.

When we want to win the approval of others we must never try to hit 1.000 sucking up to them.

We must be true to ourselves.

Even when people do not agree, they seem to admire a person who is comfortable in their own shoes.

So today – just for one day – embrace yourself, make all that you are good enough without question, be confident of the gifts you have and even grateful for having them.

Then step up to the plate and do the best you can.

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The same reason we have to-do lists loaded with projects that take longer than a few minutes is why most of us have a hard time making meaningful life changes.

Big work to-dos take hours if not days, weeks or months.  Achievers know the key to completion is to break the project down into many little projects that can get closer to the end goal.

Same with meaningful life changes.

We want to be a better parent but that concept is so overwhelming it’s hard to know where to begin.

We want to be a better friend but it involves so much.  Where do we start?

We know we should live in the now to be happy but what do you do first?

We want to make a career change (or are forced to) but the thought is so overwhelming that it cannot be done in a few hours or even a few days.

Try this today.

Focus on one thing.

Only one thing instead of trying to change everything.

Be a better parent by helping children construct stronger boundaries – just one day, just one time.

Be a better friend by being a better listener for just one conversation not forever.  Forever cannot come before the first time happens.

Live in the now for one walk – around the block – concentrating on gratitude.  Just for a few minutes not all day.

And effect real career change by first deciding the one thing that will make you the happiest so you can take another small step toward the goal you just identified tomorrow.

Even small steps are big accomplishments.

And they feel just as good as swallowing up everything we want to do in one big move which, of course, is not possible.

Do something – anything – no matter how small and you have begun a meaningful life change.

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