Popular NBC news anchor Brian Williams is disgraced for lying about his participation in covering wars and tragedies like Katrina.  Banned from the air and public appearances at a financial loss of $5 million.

And soldiers who were actually in harm’s way are angry with him, as they should be.   So much so, they outted him.

Now top-rated Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly is fighting off accusations that he misrepresented his wartime reporting.

Everyone lies.

But the problem with lying is that when we do a lot of it, the lying seems real and distorts reality.  We believe our own lies.

Ever notice that even when a liar is caught dead in its tracks — they still seem to be in deep denial because they actually believed the lies that they were telling.

The best reason for not lying is a good memory is not required.

The truth will come out each and every time as it is.

So the issue is not whether Brian Williams or anyone else caught lying deserves a second chance but whether they’ve learned the lesson that the more you lie, the more it seems truthful.

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It is no accident that marriage counselors have their work cut out for them when couples show up with issues.

Almost always – one of those problems is a lack of communication.

So, counselors do what they can to get both sides to communicate effectively and honestly and learn to listen to what is being said.  Often it is too late.

I thought the way to a person’s heart was through their stomach.

Not quite.

Or passion.

That, too.

The best marriage advice I ever heard was “learn to be a good listener”.  Some people are born with this skill.  Most of us have to work on it – if we’re smart.

Being a good listener doesn’t mean not having an opinion.

It doesn’t even mean agreeing or giving in.

The heart can only feel what the senses arouse and one of the best – if not the best way to stir up feelings of love is to learn to listen.

Some thoughts:

• Wait until the other person stops speaking, pause a beat (a few seconds or more) and then talk.
• Respond — don’t react.  Reacting is what buys us even more trouble.
• The goal is to learn how to recap the essence of what the other person is saying from their point of view.  Then ask them if you basically heard it right.  Even if you are close, they will be pleased.
• Often our inability to be a good listener comes from our family of origin so rise above your childhood to acquire this awesome skill.

My best friend was so good at listening that when we were having lunch and were interrupted by the waitress in mid-sentence, I forgot what I was saying but he remembered in great detail or as he liked to say “JD, when you speak, I listen” and indeed he did.

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Jim Golay of Casper, WY was diagnosed with a brain tumor last February, but before he died, Jim set up delivery of Valentine flowers through a local florist every year for the rest of his wife, Shelly’s life.

So imagine how surprised Shelly was when her flowers arrived for the first time this Valentine’s day.

Shelly said, “even in death, he’s just amazing”.

It doesn’t take death at the doorstep to bring out the best in us.

Just a little adventure and thoughtfulness.

And the element of surprise!

We are capable of great things when we think out of the box – do the unthinkable.

Acts of kindness and love should be as much fun to do as they are to receive.

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How can it be that an athlete this talented suddenly cannot win?

True, he’s had injuries and personal problems but to watch Tiger Woods play golf and try to do the things he used to do so well – short game and putting – is sad.

Woods, it turns out is as human as the rest of us.  When he gets down on his luck succeeding is tougher.

When we have a crisis of confidence – and it happens quite often in life – the solution is not more pressure, more anxiety or more outside help.

It requires us to adhere to this powerful phrase that I like to repeat often:  “Be the fine person you are”.

That is enough.

Trying to be what you are not will never work for long.

Pressuring yourself to make changes with which you are uncomfortable is not playing your best game.

Recalling the abilities that you already have is the message we should keep in our heads.

I like to repeat:  “you’ve done something like this before, you can do it again”.

All the life coaches and motivational books in the world cannot cure a personal crisis in confidence the way spending 100% of your time focused on being the best that you can.

After all, that’s how we all achieved our original success in the first place.

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There is increasing evidence of a link between depression in college students and their use of social media.

The University of California Los Angeles annual survey shows that incoming freshmen in 2014 had the lowest level of self-rated emotional health in 49 years (over 153,000 first time, full-time students at 227 universities and colleges).

Social media usage has increased with the percentage of students using it six or more hours a week increasing from 18.9% in 2007 to 27.2% in 2014.

A University of Missouri student showed that there is a link between heavy Facebook usage with feelings of envy and depression.

A 2014 Austrian study concluded the more time respondents spent on Facebook, the more they felt they were wasting their time.

Whew!

Psychiatrist Dr. Victor Schwartz of the Jed Foundation says there is an association between depression and time spent on social media.

Maybe this is a red flag for parents.

Or a warning sign for the rest of us that there is no known effect of socializing with others face to face leading to depression.

Consciously seek out in-person contact with others on a daily basis to balance social media use.

Spend time every day being grateful for something – especially little things that we take for granted.

It is no accident that the increase in depression among the general population coincides with expanded use of digital contact.

Each year more antidepressants are dispensed than any other drug category.

Yet there is more depression each year than the previous year.

More drugs – more depression.

Perhaps the better prescription is balance, gratitude and live contact with real people face to face.

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There is a chemical in our brain that has only been traced in couples who have been in love for less than two years.

It has never been discovered in anyone in a relationship for more than two years.

In that initial stage, the smell, touch and even thought of the object of our love is like catnip.

After two years, not so much.

Now this doesn’t mean people do not love deeply after two years or have great passion for each other.  It means that they need an Act 2.

Part of Act 2 is to master the three L’s.

1. Listen – Truly listening and being able to accurately relate the sentiments of others back to them is an awesome power.  To be blunt, almost no couple that has mastered the skill of listening to each other breaks up.
2. Love – When the words “I love you” become augmented with specific acts attached to the words, we have fully loved another person.  Acts of sacrifice, consideration or appreciation fuel true love that transcends when love chemicals in our brain are no longer aplenty.
3. Lead – We don’t live on this earth to give orders or take orders.  We were put here to lead.  Use our God-given skills to show the people we love options for success and fulfillment.  There is no one leader in a good marriage.  Everyone leads.

There are many things that can enhance a relationship after those first few crazy years but all of them pass through the three L’s above.

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Those of you who know me personally will probably never believe that I was painfully shy as a child – so shy, my teachers encouraged my parents to force me into a children’s theater group to break out of my shell.

I hated it.

And hated that I felt trapped in my own body.

But then around 16 – and fueled by my almost impossible desire to be a disc jockey – I started coming out of it.  And oh yes, maybe my parents were right to push me into appearing before large public audiences in high school.

Today, even my closest friends laugh when I tell this story.

YOU shy?

Why would a shy guy become such a loudmouth – okay, at least someone with an on-air radio and TV career?

And that is because I learned how to not fear being in public – Today, I love audiences and love to perform.

But – and this is the point – underneath, I am still a shy guy.  I love my time alone.  I can walk on the beach forever but at some point, I like some balance and want to return to other side of my personality.

I taught public speaking for many years and encouraged my students to be themselves – don’t imitate what you think a speaker should be.

Speak about that which you have earned the right to speak about and you will always be compelling.

Be humble and show your humanness.

Some of the best speakers are very shy and some of the worst look so slick and polished that in your heart you know they are not real.

Shy is an incredible gift of introspection.

The only time shyness is a liability is when it stops you from being yourself in public.

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Look, I love my digital devices as much as the next person but being distracted by them in the company of another is just ignorant.

Doing it in front of your kids is asking for a payback in not too many more years.

Digital devices are the miracle of our age, but they are not a lifestyle.

Here’s some help dealing with rudeness:

Self-absorbed people who constantly obsess about themselves – cut the oxygen that feeds it, walk away, say bye, move on.  No ugly confrontation is necessary.

For those who are bored or disinterested in what you are saying – stop saying it.  Unless you need to say things people don’t want to hear, move on.

Hurtful people – When someone hurts your feelings, take a quick moment to be compassionate (i.e., it must be awful to be that other person and have to say hurtful things).  We often say hurtful things back when such comments are first directed at us.

Bullies – Push back and defend your boundaries without excuses every time.

Jealousy – is like the flu.  Try not to get it and don’t spread it to someone else.

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56-year old Detroit resident James Robertson walks 21 miles to and from work each day.

He leaves his home at 8am and doesn’t return home until 4am if a passerby doesn’t give him a ride.   And he does this Monday through Friday.

He gets only a few hours sleep.

And I thought being a radio dj was tough!

Makes you wonder – would you walk 21 miles to and from work daily for your job?

Robertson couldn’t afford a car on his $10.55 an hour pay.

And then the Internet intervened.

A student at Wayne State University set up a GoFundMe account in Robertson’s name and raised enough money for him to buy a car.

Enough was raised to buy a luxury vehicle, but Robertson decided on a Ford Taurus.  You see, he likes Fords and he said, “They’re simple on the outside, strong on the inside — like me.”

I’m big on overcoming problems – not because I like problems, God knows I have enough and I’m sure you do, too.

But anything that makes us prove we will go to any length to accomplish our goals, makes us stronger and more likely to attain them.

It makes me think – if we don’t have a job that we would make great sacrifices to keep, it is time to find that job.

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That’s the fascinating title of a new book by Gabriele Oettingen that argues keeping in mind obstacles to your dreams is a more effective way of achieving goals.

Norman Vincent Peale and Dale Carnegie are turning over in their graves over this new theory, I am sure.

The author has what she thinks is a better way – wish, outcome, obstacle, plan or WOOP for short.

I have an obvious fascination for that which motivates us.

For me, picturing in my mind’s eye that which I want to accomplish and spending hours and hours seeing my wish in vivid terms (colors, smells, feelings, outcomes) allows me to put up with a lot of suffering to get to my goal.  I am relentless once motivated in this way.

I also appreciate the fine art of not getting what I want as a motivator.

Why?

Because when I hit the wall, it gives me a chance to either retreat, climb it or run into it again.

But I don’t dismiss the benefits of rethinking positive thinking – the simplistic “you can do it” attitude that permeates our world in a way that just sounds like snake oil to most.

Whatever works for you is positive thinking.

Because in the end, no dream is attained without a plan to get there along with the necessary constant tests to see if we really want it that badly.

That’s a good thing.

“The solution isn’t to do away with dreaming and positive thinking. Rather, it’s making the most of our fantasies by brushing them up against the very thing most of us are taught to ignore or diminish: the obstacles that stand in our way” — Gabriele Oettingen

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When things are going our way, life is so easy.

Somehow we expect it to keep going our way.

But when things get tough – bad breaks, bad decisions, disappointment – things seem to get a whole lot tougher.

Winning streaks come easy, but adversity introduces us to ourselves and those around us.

It requires a plan and some positive self-talk.

• List every accomplishment – small or large, in all areas of your life – for the past year.  Read that list every day.  Add to it.  You’ll never have to subtract.
• Recall three of the biggest disappointments of your past life – then, give yourself credit for how you got through it.
• My secret weapon is that I know good luck doesn’t have my name written on it every day of my life, but I never forget that we have ups and downs so that when I have a down, I know what’s coming next.
• Try to level your emotions.  For some of us that may be difficult.  Keep expectations low and motivation high and you will almost never be disappointed.
• When you’re really down, change the subject.  Take the focus off you for a while and direct it kindly and lovingly toward someone else.

“If you don’t like something about yourself, fix it, but if you can’t fix it accept it and learn to love it because you can’t be anyone else” – Sonya Parker

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Pete Carroll called for or allowed a pass instead of a one-yard run that would have won the Super Bowl championship for the second year in a row.

Carroll, a great coach and motivator beloved by his players, took full responsibility for the screw up.

Patriots coach Bill Belichick is arguably the best coach in pro football history but his team wouldn’t have won the game on the one-yard line without Seattle’s timely mistake.

What does this tell us?

That mistakes are made every day even ones that will be enshrined forever in the sports all of shame.

That Pete Carroll doesn’t just know how to win.

He also knows how to lose with grace and dignity which almost guarantees that he will win once again.

There is no embarrassment to winning “just” one Super Bowl as pundits seem to be suggesting of Carroll – ask The Philadelphia Eagles and other teams who have never won even one Super Bowl trophy.

We are entitled to nothing in life – contrary to our apparent values these days.

We win when we learn the lessons of losing.

The more painful it is, the more we find out how badly we want to overcome adversity.

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up” –Vince Lombardi

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You knew this had to happen.

Too much House of Cards can be hazardous to your health.

A new study conducted by the University of Texas at Austin concluded that viewers who binge watch TV shows one right after the other in one sitting may be doing so to deal with feelings of depression and loneliness.

All of a sudden our harmless addiction gets even worse.

The 300 people 18-29 in the study also correlated binge watching in one marathon session to fatigue, obesity and lack of self-control.

The obvious response I usually hear is:  “I don’t have the time to binge watch” yet bingeing is on the increase across all demographics not just 18-29 year olds.  They must be watching all these shows at some point?  Maybe weekends?  Are we in denial?

It is easier in a digital world to become addicted to being connected – to accessing what we want when we want it.   But there are downsides.

Observe couples and families dining out and distracted all the way through dinner.

Attend a sports event and ask yourself the question, “Did these people actually pay for that expensive ticket to be texting all during the game?”

The answer is simpler than we might think – and it is the same answer that applied to all obsessions before the digital age.

Balance.

Exercise and rest (then binge watch a few shows).

Eat well and be happy.

Encourage rich personal relationships one on one.

And my favorite — sometimes just give up control. (I dare you to try this – you’ll write back with some amazing stories).

Let someone else choose how you spend a few hours together.

Let others pick the subject they want to talk about and stick to it.

The new rule:  Let go as often as you obsess.

Now you’re ready for House of Cards when it returns February 27^th as part of a balanced daily diet of common sense.

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski was successful enough by all standards winning two college basketball championships and going to the big dance in four of the previous five years.

He was burned out.  Didn’t give himself time to recover from painful back surgery. He just seemed to keep doing it all by himself.

Until Coach K decided to take a full year off from coaching passing the responsibilities to his staff.  Before he walked away, Coach K ran everything himself.  In the year off, he stayed away from the team.  When he returned, he became the king of delegation.

Recently Coach K won his 1,000^th game – without the games not played in the year he took off.

He learned two key lessons.

One, learn to delegate like a Fortune 500 CEO.

Two, pick and choose how to spend the time in his day.

Life is a marathon not a sprint so it is understandable how we can burn ourselves out pushing too hard for too long.

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I saw a couple with a TV psychologist sitting in between them, promising to help the two disagreeing married folks get along better.

The husband aired his complaint and then the psychologist asked the wife to repeat it to see if she got the essence of what was bothering him.  She then went through the same drill.  Neither one could seem to repeat the exact objection of their partner.

Getting people to listen to each other sometimes seems impossible – I mean, have you seen your boss totally ignore what you are saying to her?  Or your husband says “yes, yes” and mean “no, no”.

I discovered this more effective way of communicating through a friend of mine who perhaps was and is the best communicator I have ever known.

Respond – don’t react.

Most of us have already formulated the answers in our mind when the other person is talking.  Simply training ourselves to take a moment, a beat – 15 or 30 seconds, if you can, to digest it and think about responding changes everything.

Most of the things we regret are things we say without thinking first.

Responding does not mean always agreeing.  The seconds that it takes to resist the temptation to immediately react and argue or maybe get overly emotional is worth the extra breath.  It gives our minds a chance to kick in.

Responding and not reacting can transform relationships to a new level where we think with our minds and feel with our hearts.

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Taylor Swift is a thought leader for the Millennial generation.

Her fans love her because she seems to really love them back.

Recently Swift told a bullied fan “not to let ugly words get into your beautiful mind”.

Why aren’t we thinking like this – our minds are not waste cans, they are beautiful things that have the immense capability of doing great things.

Here is her specific advice:

“And if someone punches you again, call the police and report them because that is assault. I’m serious. There’s no direct penalty for bullying with words (except karma) but no one is allowed to hit you. Ever.”

It’s not just children who are bullied.  Bullying is also rampant in adults – psychological bullying such as the ex-boyfriend who sent naked pictures of his former girlfriend to porn sites.  I’m happy to report, he is being sued by a new breed of attorneys who are using unusual tactics such as copyrighting the private pictures so there can be legal redress.

Now that’s pushback!

As Jennifer Lawrence said in this age when people more routinely share intimate pictures with each other, it’s my body and I get to decide.

As far as Taylor Swift is concerned, some of her social media sites were hacked (hey, that’s bullying, too) and the hackers threatened to publish naked pictures of her.   She didn’t hesitate to push back saying “good luck with Photoshop because there aren’t any”.

The answer to bullying is no.

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One of my favorite gems is: “there’s nothing worse than doing something well that doesn’t need to be done at all”.

Just one critical step before we pour our time and effort into that which we want to accomplish could make all the difference in the world.

What’s the goal?

What do we specifically want to accomplish?

It’s amazing how many people set off to change the world and fix what’s broken without spending enough time figuring out what would make a positive difference.

Meetings are the biggest time wasters but no one seems to get the message. They wind up being rambling and sometimes dangerous interludes that do nothing toward accomplishing goals. Never have a meeting without first identifying the goal.

Improving your health is laudable but it is such a general wish. What specifically do you want to accomplish? Run longer and faster to build more stamina – there, it’s identified.

Being a better parent? Again, who doesn’t want that goal? Identify a meaningful way to be a better parent. For example: discover new things together with your children without cellphones interfering.

Changing careers? Why? What is your dream? If you know that, you can work on acquiring the skills that will bring you success.

You can’t hit a target you cannot see.

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In years gone by that I would like to forget, I can remember sitting in a lawyer’s office in America’s playground, Camden, NJ, getting madder by the minute.

He was not too proud to throw red meat at me — to keep reminding me of everything the ex was trying to do in his opinion and by the time I left the office I was so worked up I forget that I should have been hoping my car wasn’t stolen in the crack capital of the state.

It was like Saul Goodman of Better Call Saul TV fame.

Animosity comes with the breakdown of relationships – and it doesn’t just take lawyers to feed the monster, often relatives and close friends do it in their attempt to be supportive.

Divorce or breaking up with a former loved one is not a game with winners and losers even if the courts and the laws lose sight of the children who are often the victims.

There is a lot on the line – money, houses, children, hurt feelings, rejection, unresolved anger.

Fast forward years down the road and it’s interesting that both sides of a breakup usually move on – some even happily – and life goes on for all.

Neither partner is the villain.

My daughter’s favorite chapter in my book Out of Bad Comes Good, The Advantages of Disadvantages is the one on divorce in which I conclude that out of bad marriages come good people.

Sometimes we’re not the right partners, sometimes it’s not the right time and sometimes we can do great things like bring beautiful children into the world.

Even if the system makes it difficult, divorce is about healing and future chances to make life right for the parties involved.

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Politicians experience tremendous highs from the adulation of winning an election, to the agony of defeat that often follows later in their careers.

A successful executive can be riding high until they hit a bump in the road and then they fall off their pedestal.

Beloved people can be hated.

Hated people can be given a second chance.

What is more important than being successful?

Success is fleeting – it is a product of learning from failure.

More important than being rich – after all, a Pew study tells us that it only takes the average couple $75,000 a year for them to be happy.  Anything over that, according to what they told Pew, didn’t make them happier.

What one quality can make a person loved in good times and bad?

Humility.

Humility is the other “h” word – other than hubris, which is excessive pride or self-confidence.

The Dali Lama comes to mind.

Amit Sood, MD, the author of Stress Free Living is nothing if not humble.

Mariano Rivera, the great Yankees relief pitcher was beloved by fans as much as their opponent hated the Yankees.

Humility is the fine art of giving credit to everyone else when it is being heaped on you.

No one doesn’t like a person who gives credit to others – maybe even them.

I could stand to be better at this, how about you?

I have had a few moments.  For example, I do not have any awards that have been given to me in my possession.  I have given them all away publicly to the people who helped me earn them.   I handed my mentor at Dale Carnegie, Jim Weinraub, the award I received for giving the best speech to instructors and I did it in front of our peers.

Now that I think of it, I need to do more of this kind of stuff.

Humility is the quality that not only makes a person beloved, it makes us feel better about ourselves.

And the glue to make it all authentic is to be sincere.

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When the Seahawks and Patriots play their Super Bowl game for arguably the greatest championship in sports, both teams will have a 50% chance of winning the game before it begins.

Yes, that Arizona Sun could blind New England or the lack of rain could stifle the Seattle game plan but in theory both teams are showing up thinking that they can win it all that day.

Maybe not by halftime if one team is hopelessly behind, or maybe yes if they believe in miracles to borrow a phrase from Al Michaels.

When two teams play, one doesn’t show up and say I am afraid to lose.  They think, I am willing to lose if I expect to win.

But we humans are not always that pumped up.

In fact, 99% of the time if we show up afraid to lose, we are not going to win.

What baseball player thinks, “Don’t hit the ball to me, I might drop it”.

It’s the opposite, they think “Hit the ball to me, I want it”.  They don’t worry about making mistakes.

If you study successful people, they are less afraid to lose which gives them a better chance to win.

How does this apply to us – actually, it hits close to home.

For example when we say, “I really don’t want to blow this” we are focusing on the negative, becoming too cautious, too concerned about doing what we do best.

Or when we say, “I’ve waited a long time for this chance” we are subconsciously saying “and I better not blow it”.

You know the fabled tale of the modern parent who tells her kids that they won the soccer match even when they lost it.  You know, they’re trying to keep their spirits up but they are robbing them of a life-changing lesson.

There is much value to losing – what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger as Kelly Clarkson sang to us.  And it is true.

If Serena Williams secretly thought, “I’m afraid to lose” she’d be doing all the work for her opponent.

You have to be willing to lose to win.

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