Worry is something that is acquired over a lifetime.

My mother was a worrywart.  And her only son took after her.  She had her reasons – my father was away at war for four years straight (no leave) and he had a heart attack not many years after he returned.  Still, she paid a heavy price for fear and worry.

The best book I have ever read on the topic is still Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living but a great way to feel the benefits of reduced worry right now is to try this.

Declare today – Tuesday – a worry-free day.

All day everything you find makes you anxious or makes you worry, tell yourself to hold that thought until tomorrow at (you choose the hour).

This way you can field as many worries as you want by rescheduling your worry but reward yourself with one-day off from obsessing.  You can deal with the problems tomorrow.  You can even jot the worries down or note them on a digital device.

The fact is, taking a day off from worry has residual effects on the other six days in the week.

Some folks find it hard to even put one day a week off-limits for worry so they can start small with a night, a weekend or a trip to the ballgame.  No worries allowed until the time and day you decide.

One thing Dale Carnegie always said was that 99% of the things we worry about never come true so doesn’t it make sense to be reassured by those numbers and start feeling what it’s like to be worry-free?

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The author and physician Amit Sood in his Handbook for Happiness poses the most intriguing question:

“Imagine you won $100 million in a lottery. Think about the people who would fulfill these two criteria”:

1. They will be truly happy for you
2. The won’t expect a dime

Dr. Sood reminds us that these are the people who are members of our inner circle. They wish the best for you with no selfish motives.

Do you know people like this?

Maybe there is one or two but these are the most important people in the world.

Seek them out.

Love them.

Hold them near.

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Go to the bank?  Call 9-11?  Tell your spouse or friend goodbye?

Those who have come close to losing their lives are changed forever when they get a second chance.

An Australian hospice nurse polled people in the last 12 weeks of their life and asked them to tell their top regrets.

Here they are:

• Wishing they hadn’t worked so hard and missed their children growing up or spending quality time with their partner.
• That they would have had the courage to express their feelings.
• Wishing they had stayed in touch with their friends.

Another key wish was “I wish I had let myself be happier”.

Why wait until the time is up to do these four critical things.

Not money.

Not power.

Not fame is more important than the best use of time in loving and enjoying the people who matter most around us.

We can do this.

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Self-doubt is that quiet little voice that pops up in our ears to make us question whether we can succeed.

I once addressed the Country Radio seminar in Nashville to speak on the topic of music radio.

But what I didn’t know is that the Governor of Tennessee was to introduce the late Dick Clark to talk about television, music and American Bandstand.

And the likeable Clark showed up with video, stories and funny lines.

I am a professional and have no shortage of confidence (usually but not always) and I would lying if I didn’t share with you that little voice of self-doubt that said, “Are you sure you should be speaking here?”.

I was backstage and walked out into the meeting room to watch the master at work and when it came close to my introduction – that, by the way, was done by Dick Clark – I said to myself – “You were asked to speak because you are knowledgeable about radio”.

Then, when I stood at the podium looking out onto about 800 happy faces who enjoyed my predecessor, I fell silent for about 15 seconds, gathered in the room and said to myself “I’ve got this”.

The two things to erase self doubt, then, is to focus on the fact that you have earned the right to be doing whatever it is you are doing and the verbal affirmation is – “I’ve got this”.

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In the sports world, this is the time of year for coaches to be fired.  You know the drill – coaches are hired to be fired.

Most of us if we’re honest with ourselves harbor a fear or at least deep concern of what will happen if we lose our jobs.  After all, most people who are happy in their work, identify themselves with their careers.  Our self-esteem is attached to our work.

Great people have been fired only to go on and return to greatness.

Those who had their careers interrupted – fairly or unfairly by employers – almost always go on to succeed in spite of that bump in the road.

Losing income is a real concern but the elephant in the room is losing self-esteem.

Not too long ago a morning radio personality who had worked on the same station waking up local audiences for 36 years was unceremoniously fired.  Imagine the hurt.  Not being able to say goodbye.  Disappearing without notice.  One day you’re on top, the next day you’re not.  And to add insult to injury, he was escorted out of the station with his personal effects in a box.

Yes, we fear not having enough money to live.

But we also worry about the loss of self-esteem that comes when we’re suddenly not needed and left without an immediate future.

There is no cure for this kind of life’s disruption.

But there is a powerful thought to get through it – everyone rises again to achieve success and fulfillment.  Ironically, it is the adversity of being fired that fuels the rebound to success.

Fearing being fired is as psychologically damaging as actually being fired so it is more productive to work hard with the confidence that even a disruption in your career path will only make you stronger.

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If you’re like most people, you don’t have to blame yourself when things go wrong.  There is no shortage of people who will be glad to do this for us.

But blame is a dangerous game.

It does not have a positive outcome.

Dale Carnegie famously started his human relations rules with “don’t criticize, condemn or complain”.  If we could do only these three things in life, we would be so much happier.

But accepting the blame of others must be stopped and we’re the only ones who can stop it.

It isn’t their right to do it and it’s not our obligation to accept blame.

The number one way to run down self-esteem is to be the target of blaming comments – often emotional — from others.

A trick that I use is to think of my ears attached to my brain as a digital recorder.

When blame is leveled, I re-record over the blaming statements as soon as I can.

Example of a blaming statement:

“If only you would have listened to me, blah-blah-blah”  (you know the drill).

My –re-recording:

“I always make an attempt to listen to others”.

The brain is the most powerful ally we have to prevent the dysfunction of others from being destructive toward us.

One more thing.

Not being willing to be the target of blame does not mean that we cannot be better, but as Dale Carnegie said criticism never, ever works.

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Stubborn people usually have the inability to hear the voices and ideas of others.

They fixate on their plan or preferences and don’t budge no matter what.

Determined people can listen to others but they have a knack for listening to themselves.

We insult others when we say they are stubborn but we praise them when we say they are determined.

A determined person knows that they are always in charge of their future actions.

A stubborn person is insecure about their ability to stay the course, which is why they will not entertain other points of view.  In a way, that’s threatening.

Stubborn = headstrong

Determined = the best route to success with input from others.

The confidence to seek out the thoughts of others is representative of the same confidence necessary to see your plans through to a successful outcome

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Can you change where you were born?

Or who your parents were?

Could you have changed the outcome of losing your job in a budget cut?

Or the fact that the doctor tells you that you have developed diabetes?

Or that your best friend moved 1,000 miles away?

Put like this, it is obvious that we waste a lot of time and emotion trying to change things that can never be changed.

That realization is the first step toward redeploying our energies to things that we can change.

Emphasizing the good things our parents gave us and letting go of the things we don’t want.

Finding a better job that brings us more fulfillment and hopefully compensation.

Taking care to be healthy and minimizing diseases we may have developed.

Finding innovative ways to keep long distance relationships alive.

We change things that cannot be changed by accepting that a better use of our energies is to change that which we can change.

How you see it makes all the difference.

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When people reject us – for any reason  — they have discovered how vulnerable we are.

Somewhere in time we have assigned a part of our self-esteem to them.  In fact, they may have stolen it from us.  The person who on their own told us how good we look can also take it away if and when they realize that we need them to keep telling us.

Strong self-esteem comes from being okay with the way we are – liking it, accepting it, being proud of it.  That is the way to reduce the possibility of being rejected.

In fact, even compliments can be a setup for future rejection if we ourselves do not believe the compliment.  So when you hear something nice or something kind, you should use that comment as a reaffirmation of something you already believe.

It is virtually impossible to reject someone who is happy with the way they are and who never lets another person provide self-esteem that we ourselves do not already possess.

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When someone is bullied, they put an end to it by pushing back.

But the bully has still inflicted their damage even if it is stopped.

The victim needs to do one important thing to guarantee that the bully of the day is not hitting and running.

And that is to have compassion for the bully-shamer.

Sounds like something a victim is in no mood to do but it is so very important.

When we have compassion for the person inflicting the hurt, we assure that we will never have to be that person to pushback.

“I feel sorry for her for having to hurt her best friends when all they want to do is like her”.

Or, “It must be awful to be so hurtful to others”.

Or, “Using social media to shame me is so cowardly.  I feel sorry for someone who needs to hurt someone behind their back”.

To be sure, compassion for the offender is not condoning.

Just that one act of compassion nullifies the hurt that shamers and bulliers like to impart on others.

Push back by putting a stop loss on the hurtful behavior and feel compassion for the instigator because by doing so you are also showing compassion for yourself.

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We know what turns people off – or at least we should.

But what makes them attracted to us like a magnet is our ability to praise others in a sincere way.

Think about how long we have to go before we hear words of praise from others.

The secret is to catch someone doing something praiseworthy – and that’s not too hard if you get used to looking for it.

Then back up the kind words with a concrete example of what you like about them.  Without the evidence, it’s just empty praise that sounds good but doesn’t stick to the bones.

If you want people to be totally addicted to you in a positive way, look for opportunities to catch them doing something right.

Then increase the number of times you give sincere and honest praise and it is likely you will feel the warmth and sincerity returned to you.

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During the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament this year we found out how far perfection can get us.

Unbeaten Kentucky lost to Wisconsin and they were eliminated from the big dance to play for the championship.   The 2006-2007 Patriots won all 16 of their regular season games but could not go 19-0 to win the Super Bowl.

Most of us have it all wrong.

We either try for perfection or accept that we cannot ever achieve perfection.

When two teams play sports, they don’t show up and say I’m going to win or else and they don’t say I’ll probably lose.

They want to play to win but know that always winning is not always possible and it’s not necessary.

And there is a lot to learn from losing – more than from winning – such as how badly you want something, how hard you will work to get it and what skills must be acquired to succeed.

Perfection is the roadmap not the final destination.

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Friends are not things we collect.  They are people we trust and value.

Ever go to a funeral and hear the eloquent eulogies about the departed?  Why wait until it’s too late?  We’re living now.

Friends don’t happen by accident and friendship has little to do with fate.  It’s more about us – are we worthy of true friends?

• A friend verbalizes their feelings for another with a compliment and the evidence to support it.
• Friends don’t keep tabs on how many good deeds they do for each other.  You owe everybody and everybody owes you – that’s the mark of true friendship.
• Friends are never jealous.  Jealousy is the scourge of our civilization and it has no place in true friendships.  We wish for others that which they wish for themselves.  And they wish the same for us.
• True friends are reliable and predictable.  Think about it, the person you call your best friend is likely to be a rock when you need him/her or always there at anytime when you need them.
• A true friend cannot be tallied on Facebook but can be counted in your heart as a valued human being.

If you have true friends, it is a testament to your ability to value another without asking for anything in return – always.

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A rut is the hole we find ourselves in when a series of things go wrong and it begins to stick in our brains.

When we’re flying high, the opposite happens – we believe it is all good and will continue to be good.

What do these two conditions have in common?

Our brain – the source of all good things possible.

• I find humor a good way to handle a series of bad breaks – “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry” kind of attitude.  When you poke fun at your bad breaks, you are putting them in their proper place.
• Take small steps to counter your misfortunes.  If you lose a promotion to a person who is less qualified and in the same 24-hour period find out that you need $1,200 worth of repairs on your car and then (insert the next bad thing here) — thems fightin’ words.  Do a small positive thing for every negative thing you must combat.  Do not take being in a rut lying down.  This is war but the steps can and should be small (I’ll get the next promotion and maybe this is a sign that I need a new car, etc.).
• A friend if mine had cancer and he had it for years – that’s more than being in a rut.  But he never focused on his problems even when I asked him about them.  He simply said, I’m doing fine and asked about me.  Turn the focus away from your problems.
• Focus on bad and you get bad.  Focus on good and you get good.  The choice is ours not fates.

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“Haters gonna hate” as Taylor Swift sings in “Shake It Off”.

Taylor Swift is one of the most prolific voices of the Millennial generation admired for her honesty and authenticity.

Music is and always has been the soundtrack of our lives.

When I taught music industry at the University of Southern California, I could literally teach history through the words and music of each generation.

Taylor Swift knows that haters are running wild – she should know, they direct their vitriol at her and she shakes it off.

What’s not to like about Taylor Swift – she’s smart, talented, beautiful and nice.

Sound familiar?

If haters are hating on you, someone you love, a child, a friend – here are some ways to shake it off:

• “It’s gonna be alright” is a mantra worth repeating again and again.
• Understand the hater’s motivation because they are almost 100% of the time suffering from jealousy.
• Cut them off – they cannot enjoy hating on you when they get no reaction.  Respond and you just keep them going.
• The cure for hurt feelings is remembering that when you have to depend on others to make you feel good (or bad) about yourself, you are inviting haters to damage your life and your feelings and play with your emotions.

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1) Take the focus off yourself and think about others – little things, conversations, acts of kindness.  You might not feel like doing them when you’re down but you’re giving yourself the gift of a picker-upper.

2) Segue from what’s eating you to something you are grateful for.  It has been proven time and time again that no person can be down or even depressed if she or he is being grateful for something good in their lives.

3) Think about how important you are to those around you.  A bad mood by you quickly affects others you come in contact with.  A positive thought lifts those around you at the same time you help yourself.

4) Picture the person you love (or have loved, if they are no longer with you) in this world and for five seconds think of how you would feel if you could be with them now.

Bad moods and rough roads are normal – we wouldn’t be human without them.

Languishing in a bad frame of mind for too long begins to change the way we are.  Act, intervene and return to a good place as quickly as possible.

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Forget it, we just don’t have alone time anymore.

I lived in a small community growing up (Springfield, PA) where I had to walk two or more miles to get anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go. On that same walk now, I would probably have a smartphone in my hand and ear buds in my ears to listen to music.

Alone time on the beach has been breached because we can text, email and check the Internet, play games and do everything but look at the ocean, people watch or exercise.

Alone time is no longer a thing of the past — it is the remedy for the future.

In a digital world, we have to have time to think.

To converse with others undistracted.

To dream about how we want our lives to be today and tomorrow.

Take it one small step at a time.

Leave the phone home for an hour.

Choose one screen to watch TV and not two or more.

Eat dinner without a cellphone nearby every once in a while.

From there, expand out of touch hours – say, 7-11pm every once in a while.

When life runs together on one stream of connectivity, we leave out the most important person – ourselves.

Don’t blame the digital technology that enriches our lives.

Put it in its proper place and reintroduce yourself to you, those around you and your dreams and ambitions.

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Unfortunately the radio industry is an example of a perfectly good business that is not in a very good place right now.

Owners are cheap, greedy and insensitive to the needs of employees.

The industry is too male and excludes females and other minorities from top management positions.

I know literally hundreds of good radio people who are caught between either being out of work or selling their soul to the company.

What a tough position to be in.

I’ve worked for some difficult people but I can tell you that taking a check to work for people who are abusive and don’t care does not mean becoming one of them.

• Take time to be sensitive to people who work for and with you in companies where owners are brutally harsh.  Most fair-minded people will understand the position you’re in as long as you demonstrate that you understand the predicament they are in.
• When a bad company does bad things and you’re in charge, you won’t get fired for being human, checking on them, making a few calls to help them get interviews.  After all, we’ve all been there and we’re probably going to be back there again before our careers are over.
• A thought:  Pretend you are the one being fired and someday you will be asking your employee for a job.  Would they hire you based on the way you treated them?
• Being loyal to evil employers does not mean becoming one of them – think about this a lot.
• Nothing is more painful than being fired.  Compassion is the order of the day not being a robot for insensitive owners.
• In the end when you find you are being callous to the human condition, get a new job or risk losing your own humanity.
• Acid test:  If your son or daughter has to be fired, would you do it the same way?  If your spouse had to be disciplined, would you do it the way you’re presently doing it?

When in doubt, be human and you’ll save your life as well.

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Have you seen Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk about the hell she lived after having  an affair with a married man who just happened also to be the president of the United States?

How many people do you know have shamed themselves or made mistakes?  But with the Internet there is almost no path to redemption and no way to move on.

The Internet.

Cyberbullying.

Making fun of people because we will never look into their eyes face to face.

Monica’s excellent talk admits her wrongdoing but also describes the hell of our digital world where social media will drive people to depression and worse.

Until they find compassion for self.

As she puts it:  “Have compassion for yourself. We all deserve compassion, and to live both online and off in a more compassionate world”.

Here’s a link to Monica Lewinsky’s talk – she’s nervous, and 41-years old now and in a world where parents are helping children deal with haters and bullying, it’s about time we are having this conversation.

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We’ve got it all wrong.

Most of us think we fear death whether we’re 25 or 85 when it’s really life that scares the hell out of people.

We can’t do much about the fact that someday we must go, but we can do an awful lot about how we live in the time we have.

Amazing, isn’t it, that cancer patients with all the burden of treatments, side effects and worry of future outcomes can almost to a person cut through the garbage that prevents them from living the days that they have as if they are more precious.  And if they are fortunate enough to be granted more time, they are changed people.

So we have wars on everything in this world today, how about a war on fear?

• When you fear something, do it anyway.  Bet you’ll be glad and you’ll start making a habit of it.
• Banish the fear of failure this very morning. I can guarantee you are going to fail but not always.  Hockey great Wayne Gretzky’s famous line is “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  I think of that a lot.
• Laugh at failure, it’s temporary.  Ever notice how AFTER achieving a successful goal, people can laugh about their failures that got them to their happy day?  Disrupt the timeline and start laughing at failure BEFORE you ultimately succeed.  It’s less wear and tear on your psyche.
• Franklin Roosevelt was right when he told America during wartime that  “the only thing to fear is fear itself”.

When we fear living, we run the risk of losing life.

Fear has met its enemy when you make a decision to live dangerously and believe in yourself.

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