Donald Trump appears bigger than life.

But when he said “Look at that face … would anyone vote for that?” referring to another presidential candidate Carly Fiorina, he took shaming to the next stage.

In fairness, Trump denies he was talking about her looks but was talking about her persona.

Yes, it’s a political race and all things seem to be an option these days but we risk becoming a society of shamers.

What’s worse is when children shame other children in social media virtually making it impossible to escape from the torment.

Shaming isn’t going to go away any time soon unless we are willing to stand up and set the record straight every time we hear it.

She’s fat (no, her size has nothing to do with her as a human being).

He’s gay — some New Jersey college students hounded one of their dorm mates literally to death when he committed suicide to escape the shaming (judge people for the fine person they are not what you think they should be).

You’re ugly (everyone is beautiful in their own way).

YOU have a two-piece bathing suit (Why not?  Did you ever see what guys look like when they eat and drink too much and then wear a one-piece?

And women are shamed more than men – that’s just plain not acceptable.  Every man has a mother, or may have a sister or wife or girlfriend.  Would they want their loved ones to be subjected to that hurt?

Make a commitment to stamp out shaming as soon as you hear it – rise up, defend and show compassion.

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The stress we feel at work is made worse when we think about work 24 hours a day whether we are in the office or at home.

You may be a powerful executive, huge talent or high performing salesperson, but at home you are none of these.

You are a co-provider, partner, spouse, mother, father, son or daughter, family member.

The regrets that most people have in their final years on this earth are not that they didn’t work enough, but that they weren’t available to be a part of other people’s lives.

It’s not the hours of days you work.  It is living in the “at work mode” even when you’re not there.  You might as well stay at work all day and night with this mindset.

After Bob Crandall retired as the ironfisted CEO of American Airlines, he spoke at one of my seminars.  I expected this pugnacious exec to be a hard driving, difficult personality.

But Crandall showed up with his wife from whom he was taking orders.  The two of them planned to sail around the world on a yacht and post their observations to celebrate his retirement.

How could this man hated by unions and feared by almost everyone else be such a – well, such a pushover in the presence of his wife?

There’s work and there’s home and Bob Crandall knew the difference.

We can eliminate the stress of feeling like we’re letting friends and loved ones down by being 100% present in their company.

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• Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Consider whether the other person may know something that you do not know.
• Avoid the use of these words “you”, “always”, “never”.  They do not lead to happy outcomes.
• Disagreements are not necessarily bad – see if you can live with what is at the issue.
• Never argue in front of children.  It scares them and teaches them the wrong way to resolve their differences.
• Let go of having to be right if being right means you lose a friend or a loved one.
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I must confess I really like Pete Carroll.

It has nothing to do with team loyalty to the Seahawks.  After all, I am an Eagles fan.

When I worked at USC during some of Carroll’s term there he struck me as a most unusual motivator for a football coach.

Pete Carroll is the guy who lost the Super Bowl to New England in the last minute of the game.  But if ever there was someone who can overcome that weight around his neck, Pete Carroll is the man.

A recent New York Times article points out how former New Orleans Saints all-star tight end Jimmy Graham was “coached” on his new team.  After he dropped a pass during practice, Carroll came running over to him not to curse him out or belittle him into being better, but to counsel him not to worry and just focus more.

The takeaway for the rest of us is to stop beating ourselves up – it never works.  You know you want to be better but to heap more pressure and risk a critical loss of self-esteem is not the answer.

Focus on the present eliminating negative distractions and doubts not useless invectives that all but guarantee failure and unhappiness.

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In today’s digital world it’s getting someone’s attention.

People are distracted from their work, their play, interactions with others and even their sleep.

Media companies full well know that getting the attention of audiences is harder than ever and keeping them focused is even harder.

So is it hopeless?

The solution may seem non-intuitive, but it works.

• When speaking to a person who is distracted stop until you get their attention and then continue.  Don’t be surprised if they just dial you out at which point unless you have the need to continue the conversation, end it until you get their attention.
• Talk in terms of their interest not yours – this is the potentially non-intuitive part.  After all, fighting distraction by getting people to talk about themselves?  Absolutely.  Few people will tune out talking about themselves and their interests.
• In a world where few people live in the present, timing is everything.  Every good teacher knows that people can’t learn unless they are interested in what you have to say so watch for the moment and the signal.
• Don’t use email to communicate.  Email is easy to blow off and you can’t get a reading of the person’s tone.  In person or by phone (yes, phone) if you want to get your message across.

When I was a professor at USC, I would gather in the interest by standing in silence and then saying, I want to share one more thing with you and then we are going to leave class early.

You don’t even have a minute but you have captured attention.

Make your point just like a tweet – in a short sentence.  If they respond, you continue. 

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1. Demonstrate how you add value and have made a difference to the company.  This subtly reminds your employer that you can take these skills elsewhere.
2. Get the facts about your unique contributions to the company.  Most people wing it.  That won’t work. Often your employer may not be aware of all that you bring to the company so this is an opportunity to tell him/her.
3. The exact best time to ask is when your boss is stressed the least.  Makes sense, right?  But often raises are sought when the employee is ready to ask or has assembled the confidence needed to bring it up.
4. Ask for a raise just before you are ready to take on a new significant project or just when you have completed a project successfully.  That’s the right moment.
5. Review time is not necessarily the best time to ask for more money.
6. No ultimatums, complaints or threatening.  You are asking not telling.
7. In the end, asking for a raise is successful not just when an employer says yes, but even when they say no because that no may motivate you to take your well thought out request to a better opportunity.

Know your worth.

In sports when players go to salary arbitration, the neutral arbitrator usually compares the player’s skills with those of players with similar skills, accomplishments and records.  That is their sweet spot and it is usually the arbitrator’s decision.

The same principle works for us.

Compare your skills and accomplishments with those of others and that is your sweet spot.

One warning:  avoid comparing yourself to others in front of your employer.  The request is about your work and your value to the company.

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Face it; we are all prisoners to the cellphone that remains in our hands or by our side.

Oddly enough, most people don’t even use their “phones” as a phone.

The texting, emails, Instagrams, Twitter, Facebook and apps distract us from a balanced life causing stress.

Many people sleep with phones or on the night table next to their beds.

At Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, I saw a college student returning from spring break so tired she laid out over several seats on her back and took a nap waiting for her flight.

On her stomach was her cellphone.

And when she got a message, she opened her eyes and responded, put it back down on her stomach and closed her eyes.  Great way to get some rest.

We eat with our phones.

Consult them in the presence of others.

Teach our children the wrong way to balance instant communication with living in the present.

A smartphone is only smart when we use it as a helpful tool not a life style.

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An effective way to deal with people who put us down is to let them hang themselves.

Avoid responding.

Avoid expressing feelings of hurt, surprise or disgust.

Just let them stew in their own meanness.

No response is the right response, but it doesn’t mean put up with their abuse.  If someone consistently tries to put you down, you need to get away from them.

But sometimes the put down artist is family or an employer who is hard to get away from.

Make plans to remove yourself from the situation – even if it is family that is putting you down.

When I was in college, I was fortunate enough to get a job at the big ABC TV affiliate in Philadelphia on camera.

Back on campus, a fellow student in the communications program got me aside and said, “How did YOU get that job?” I went nuts.  He then owned me and made me feel bad about something that was really good.

Later in life I learned to use humor to nullify put down artists when I was appointed a professor of music industry at USC, a “friend” of mine said, “How did YOU become a professor?”

My response was “I guess they offered the job to everyone else first and no one was left” making fun of the put down artist who I thought was a friend.

One more thing – never believe a put down.  Even if there is a kernel of truth to it.

The only person who should have access to your mind should be you.  No one else gets to record negative thoughts directly in your brain.

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I and me

The better words are:

You and yours

Even in our current culture of self-absorption having to endure people talking about themselves is an automatic tune out.

Imagine Toyota running a commercial saying “Buy during the Toyota Holiday Event because we need to sell more cars”.

Most people are concerned about themselves and not you.

To avoid turning people off in business, family or with friends focus on the interests of others.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests and you’ll have the attention of people who matter to you most.

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We remember our faults and keep them burned into our brains.

But we generally don’t remember when we have done well.

Living with regrets – with self-based criticism is an awful thing that can be reversed.

• For every fault you conjure up, balance it with a positive trait (i.e., “my boss tells me I don’t contribute enough” is balanced with “but I am dependable, reliable and work well with others”).
• Only you get direct access into your subconscious.  Even a compliment from another person should be directly delivered to your brain.  Only you get to record in the subconscious of your mind.  This helps prevent growing co-dependent to people who compliment you one minute, take it away another and make you crave their approval to get it back.
• Forgive yourself for not being perfect and join all the rest of the people in the world.  Perfectionism is a great and useful goal but it is a guaranteed path to unhappiness initiated by you.
• Get off your own back.  Forgive, love and protect yourself.

Self-love can never come from another person.

At most they can affirm positive things about you.

Only we can attain self-love.

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Nothing kills relationships more than jealousy.

It’s a roadblock to career advancement.

A detriment to intimate personal relationships.

Haters exhibit jealousy often in a more public way through social media and interaction.

The best defense that strikes at the heart of haters is:

• It’s about them, not you.  Key on that thought when faced with a hater.
• Don’t fight back – that’s what haters want.  Refuse to engage them.  If you fight back, you risk becoming a hater, too.
• Be cool.  Showing hurt or other emotions is what haters live for.  And that’s a tough assignment especially when haters are hating in social media.  Keep your hurt private but find a true friend to help you express your feelings.
• Respond with your strengths.  True self-confidence comes as a suit of armor.  Put your best traits forward not insecurities and imperfections.
• Haters gonna hate.  They won’t go away.  Live in their world by ignoring them and stick to your strengths.

Ted Kennedy was a polarizing political figure.  But he was genial to everyone even his enemies.  Who knows how he really felt inside but on the outside he waved, smiled and lived the life he wanted to live.

Haters know you don’t like them but they also need to know that you’re not about to let it bother you.

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Maybe you’re around people you wish were somehow different.

You may remember your spouse in a different way than you see them today. Or hope that an employer or associate could have better people skills. Your children may be getting older and you don’t recognize their behavior as they mature.

Try to change a person and you attack their self-esteem.

They dig in and become more stubborn.

In other words you have zero chance of getting them to change the way you want them to.

Only they can change if they want to.

In the meantime work on changing you.

Others will feel more open to change when you can help make them feel good about themselves.

There is no choice but to accept others just the way they are – who knew, Mister Rogers was correct.

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Controllers are often perfectionists with anxiety issues.

They have to have it their way.

The truth about control freaks is that in a sense we all have control issues.  Who doesn’t want to get their way as often as possible?

When living with a strong personality who pushes and bullies their will onto you, the answer is often as simple as this.

Picture yourself carrying a deck of cards and one of them has NO written on it.

Play the NO card every time someone tries to will their way onto you.

When they try again and again (and they probably will), say NO again and again.

No control freak can have their way with us unless we allow it and one of the most effective ways to neutralize them is to play the NO card.

Then for the control freak in all of us remember that the best way to gain control is to give up control.

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When I was in college, my best buddy in the broadcasting program and I decided to pitch small, local stations on a show that featured both of us as a team.

One day, from a phone booth at school, my friend contacted the program director of a small suburban radio station (with me by his side) and I plainly heard him say, “Jerry and I want to do a show for your station”.

The program director told him, “I don’t need two djs doing a show. I need one part-timer for the weekends”.

My friend took the job right there and then without even consulting me.

I was shocked, hurt and disappointed.

But I learned a lesson.

Friends who are selfish will regret their selfishness.

He took the weekend job for minimum wage in a radio station that was dumpier than a gas station.

I continued to look for work.

We remained friends but things were never the same.

Then, I made a call to a local TV station by myself and got hired as a booth announcer for more money than I ever made in my life up to that point.

The one thing I never forget is that if my friend had not sold me down the river, we would still be shopping that ill-fated show and I would have missed my opportunity to make the phone call that eventually got me a job in a market television station.

Out of bad comes good.

When friends disappoint, rise above it because you may find a greater reward without them.

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“I’ll never find another guy like that again”.

“He was a tough boss and I let him down – there goes my best job ever”.

“I have lost the best friend I ever had”.

Stop!

Try these.

“He was rude and not that good looking”.

“Good job, lousy boss.  Good riddance”.

“My friend turned on me, but I will be a good friend to someone else”.  

Glamorizing people who hurt us distorts the relationship and makes us reward bad behavior.

Be fair when assessing the positive traits of another, but don’t put someone who hurts you on a pedestal.

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I used to go to bed after days I’d like to forget.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem but gets us ready to attack it the next day.

• All disappointment is temporary.  True, it hurts – sometimes very deeply.  But disappointment will eventually turn into good fortune.
• Isolate what is really disappointing you.  This can be a revelation because often what disappoints us is not what we think it is.
• Focus on others not yourself.  It is impossible to feel badly when we concentrate our attention on others.
• Don’t take it personally.  You didn’t “deserve it”. You didn’t “ask for it”.  It’s not that you’re “not good enough”.  Taking things personally makes it difficult to get to what is really eating us.

Keep expectations low and motivation high to never be disappointed.

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Why do we let people lure us into skirmishes that drag us away from the person we want to be?

Winning the battle is not winning the war.

If you spend more time getting someone back for what they did to you, you lose the war and stand a good chance of losing the battle they picked with you.

And there are likely to be more meaningless but emotional fights.

To win more and lose less, ask yourself – what is my goal?

And if you decide that your goal is to be the fine person you are, a good spouse, a loving parent or a loyal friend, let no person distract you.

Remove the imaginary button that many of us wear that says, “Push” to force us to react instead of respond.

Winning doesn’t mean besting another person.

It doesn’t mean beating someone out of a job, a promotion, or a compliment.

It means staying the course that constantly asks you “What type of a person do you want to be?” and then let no one deter you.

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It is common today to see parents tell their children that when they lose at, say, sports, they actually win.

This is not quite the message we want to convey.

Perhaps you work with people who have a high estimation of themselves just because they show up.

Last week, NFL Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison made headlines when he said that the trophies his sons received for simply participating would be returned.

Here’s Harrison’s reaction via Instagram:

“I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best…cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy. #harrisonfamilyvalues”

What often gets lost is that there is meaning in losing – falling short of our goals.

Losing helps us discover how badly we want really something (or not).

Losing teaches us lessons that can eventually help us to win.

Whether on the field, in the classroom or office, falling short of our goals can be transformational.

We win when we don’t give up.

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He’s 90.

He’s done more since being president of the United States than most people do in their entire lives: books, poetry, The Carter Center, monitoring elections in third world nations to ensure that they are helped honestly.

But it is the way Jimmy Carter is dealing with his mortality that touches me.

In good humor, he goes before cameras and talks about how his melanoma has spread to his brain, his reaction (more accepting then he thought), the optimism of a new chemotherapy treatment and this …

I’m ready for my next adventure — whatever that is.

Carter is scheduled to go to Nepal in a few months if he is able. He has cut back his schedule but hasn’t thrown it away.

He’s at peace with death because he intends to live every moment of his life.

And that is the gift Jimmy Carter reminds us of.

When we are afraid to live life, we run the risk of losing life.

There are a lot of things we cannot control but one of them is to live each day as if it is your last.

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Sports stars have their agents negotiate relatively short term contracts for them to maximize their earning potential and in some cases extend their careers.

The rest of us should be no different.

Here is the approach I use and write about in my book that makes me a “free agent” every summer even though I own my own business.

• Take at least a week – I use a vacation week – to review the past year.  Ask yourself the question:  “Do I want to do this again next year?”  Perhaps the answer is yes, but I need more.  Now is the time to figure out what that is.
• Isolate the things you want to do – today, tomorrow and further on in life.  Question:  are you doing them?  If you’re not pursing your dreams in some way, you’re in a dead end career even if you are being paid well.
• Once you know what you want to do next year, divide it into the following categories – off-season (the one you’re in when you are reviewing the past year), pre-season, the season and post-season.  For example, you may want to add something rewarding to your career that requires additional education.  That’s your pre-season.  Once you’re ready to follow your dreams, consider that your season.  Post season is reserved for upping your motivation to accomplish greater goals at the end of the regular season.
• Everything is on the table.  If you want to go to nursing school but you work in sales, the moment you know what you want to do you have taken the first step.
• I sign a new contract with myself every year for one year only and then I go through the process all over again in 12 months.  It is amazing at how my “contracts” have changed from 5 or even 10 years ago.  Had I not done this, imagine what I would have missed out on.

My grandfather worked for the railroad all his life.

At the end, a year before retirement they tried to get him to quit and assigned him to handling a locomotive 100 miles from home each day.  He persisted, got his retirement but wasted whatever dreams he had by passively devoting himself to a company that did not have his best interests in mind.

Think of your life as a renewable contract that is renegotiated by you with you to put you in the best position to start realizing your dreams.

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