Robert Hatfield Ellsworth had his own table at Donohue’s steakhouse in Manhattan, a hangout for the rich and famous and not so famous.

When he died recently as the New York Times reported, Ellsworth left $50,000 to each of his two favorite waiters. How’s that’s for a final tip?

But look what one of the waiters said about the art broker’s very generous gift:

“…I’d give back the money tomorrow to have him back because Bob was like a member of the family…”

Even money – lots of it is not as potent a gift than the presence of a kind person.

There are many ways we can show our gratitude in small meaningful ways.

Write a note on the bill of a restaurant.

Tell a person to their face why they are special to you.

Give them the gift of your time in a world where everyone seems to be rushing through living in the present.

Being the fine person you are is the only investment that’s needed to make others happy.

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Turning yourself inside out to make friends is a slippery slope.

Too quickly you may regret the changes that you’ve had to make in the name of friendship and it’s difficult to sustain that which doesn’t come naturally.

When I was divorced, a counselor said to me, spend more time working on the person you want to be not the one you want to meet.

How powerful that was.

And it is true in all kinds of relationships.

Who do you want to be in that friendship?

What kind of a co-worker or boss do you want to be?

What are the four values that guide your happiness (if we don’t know, we should reflect on it)?

And, what four qualities do I like most in others.

When we know where we are going, we have a better chance of getting there.

Meeting nice people starts by being introduced to ourselves first.

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When I don’t worry does that mean I have replaced it with something better?

Worry is a natural reaction to events and actions that make us fearful of losing control.

Once it starts, worry is hard to stop.

And when we worry for years or for a lifetime, it defines us.

So eliminating worry is really not possible without replacing it with something better.

Actually, eliminating worry is fairly doable.

99% of the things we worry about will never happen and the 1% that does is hardly ever exactly what we feared.

Question: looking at it like this, do you think it is a good use of time to worry about things that are likely never to happen as we fear them?

That’s why we should replace worry with something significant, healthy and better for our minds.

The freedom that comes from letting go.

When athletes let go, they play better. When they bear down, they inhibit themselves, slump or underperform.

The antidote for worry should not just be the absence of worry but the newfound freedom that comes from letting go.

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A friend of mine has finally found a relationship that she thinks has long-term potential and yet to hear her talk you would think that she expects the wheels to come off at any time.

Why?

Because that’s what she thinks she deserves.  It’s happened before so she fears it will happen again.

When good things happen, the better response is “I deserve this”.

I’ve earned it.

It changes the wiring in our brain when we initiate positive affirmations instead of negative ones.

What do you think happens to people who say “Something is bound to go wrong”?

It usually does.

But when we say, I deserve my new found good fortune, we pattern our thoughts and as important – our behavior – in a way that produces better outcomes.

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Even though most people know that 99% of the things they constantly worry about will never happen, they continue to pay the toll for fear and worry.

Life is enjoyed when we don’t try to over manage it.

This calls for a new way to look at worry:

• Things that we worry about more often than not turn out to be better than the status quo.
• Very often worry is more about the fear of change than it is what we are specifically worried about.
• For people of faith, putting it in the hands of a higher power is often enough comfort to get them through times of fear and worry.  For others, just giving up control can make a big difference.
• The most effective trigger in dealing with change differently is to consider the high cost you are paying in mental and physical distress.

Concern is forethought.

Worry is fear thought.

Change the way you look at worry and you change your life.

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The best motivation for digging down deep and forgiving another person no matter what the offense is that it primarily benefits us.

We forgive primarily for ourselves – not for the perpetrator of bad deeds.

Forgive doesn’t mean condone.

And it surely doesn’t mean that we have to subject ourselves to further hurt.

People who have been wronged often spend the rest of their lives cloaked in animosity that can turn them into someone they don’t want to be.

Dan Snyder died after riding in a car at excessive speed with his Atlanta Thrasher’s hockey teammate Dany Heatley in 2003.  But Sndyer’s father publicly forgave Heatley, spoke in his defense before the court and allowed Heatley to go on with his career and life even if his son could not.

I’m not sure I could do that – and most certainly it is amazing the Snyder’s could be ready to forgive so soon after losing their son.

When faced with smaller but irritating offenses, I often think of the gift Graham Synder gave himself, his wife and family and young Heatley in the name of forgiveness.

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When we are in relationships that are going well, we accelerate them to the maximum possible speed.

But when these relationships hit a bump in the road how fast we are traveling really matters.

Going 100 miles an hour in a personal relationship is more destructive then going slowly because if you hit that bump slowly you have a much better chance of staying on the road to a good relationship.

But it is a human condition that when things go well, we want more and we want it faster.

How about more – slower?

Enjoy the good times.

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Bosses have a way of fogging our dreams.

When we were hired, goals and dreams matched up, but for some reason all but the exceptional boss hijacked our career narrative.

This can also happen in relationships. We know what we’re looking for but some sequence of events can detour our search for compatible companion and take us far off course.

Even our fitness and health can be adversely upended when we are around people who do not value the benefits of working to be healthy.

Our lives are our own story.

They are too valuable to outsource to anyone else.

We dream.

We aspire.

We know in our hearts the kind of people we want to be with.

Nothing is more empowering than making a daily affirmation to remind yourself to dream on and keep control of the narrative of your life.

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23-year old Rachel Byrk was bullied mercilessly online.

She was born with the name Roger and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.

Finally, she gave up – jumped from The George Washington Bridge.  Her body was found weeks later but she scheduled a post to run a few hours after she jumped that said, “Guess I am dead. Killed myself. Sorry.”

Please believe that bullying of all kinds is running rampant in.

Bully-shaming is made possible because of the Internet and social media.  It allows a segment of the population to not only have a louder voice but gives them a way to deliver haunting messages directly into the minds of their victims.

This is an extreme case of bullying, but other cases are common in high schools across the nation.  In fact, bullying takes place in offices and it is often done by people with too much power who abuse the rights of others.

The good news is – and there is good news – that adults should cut off access to bullies and to not react to them in any way.  This deprives them of the very thing they crave when bullying others.

React and you encourage more bullying.

For children, help them and reassure them to understand that they are fine the way they are and that others who seek to bully should be dismissed and disregarded on each and every attempt.

In our new world that brings us the many gifts of interactivity and social interaction, we must police ourselves from those who abuse easy access to their victims.

We do it by loving ourselves as many minutes a day as possible.

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When you run a mile, two miles seems better.

When you accomplish all your goals in a day, doing even more somehow seems right.

When you win, you want to keep playing.

You get the idea.

But metrics can also be our enemy.

It’s not how physically fit can you get by reaching certain plateaus; it’s how healthy do you feel.

It’s not how many things can you accomplish in a day, but which ones are giving the most fulfillment.

Not about constantly achieving when all it makes you do is continue to run without savoring any victories.

The best metric to live by in my view is to ask yourself how many days are you happy.

The end effect of everything we do should be to achieve some kind of happiness.

Happiness is not a number.

It’s a feeling and if we track it like we track other things life gets even more rewarding.

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AT&T commissioned a poll of consumers 16-65 who drive at least once per day.

70% of them use their phones while driving.  In other words, if you don’t use your phone to text daily, you are in the minority 30% category.

Texting and driving has been identified as being even more harmful than driving under the influence.

Living in a distracted world can be hazardous to our health and to our relationships with others and ourselves.

The 70% figure probably didn’t surprise you, but these below surprised me.

33% of those in the AT&T survey email while driving.

28% surf the net.

27% do Facebook.

17% snap a selfie or photo (yes, while driving).

14% log into Instagram.

14% Twitter.

12% shoot video while driving.

11% use Snapchat.

And 10% do video chat like FaceTime.

All these things are good on their own.

They are just not as good when they lead to deadly multitasking.

The cure is to use social and digital media as a tool.  To separate not integrate them with other things like taking a walk, dining with others, socializing and yes, driving.

To live in the present, we must try harder to be in the present.

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You have to have wood or something flammable to make a fire.

Kindling to ignite the flames.

Oxygen to feed it and allow it to burn.

And you’re going to have to tend to it constantly to make sure it burns strong and doesn’t burn out.

This also applies to reigniting a relationship.

Often life gets in the way of our interpersonal relationships and we think the flames are extinguished when they really need the ingredients to make them burn.

There are a lot of complicated ways to look at keeping meaningful relationships alive and then there is this.

Feed it.

Nurture it.

Give it room to breath.

Keep a watchful eye on it to make sure it never flames out.

Relationships take work. They don’t stay bright on their own without paying watchful attention to the needs of others and our own needs.

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In colonial days, when a settler’s barn burned to the ground, other settlers from miles away would descend on the land to rebuild it – to make a project of it, and cap it off with a celebration.

Labor was hard to come by back then.

Over the decades being a friend has changed.  We collect friends like flowers on Facebook, Instagram and social media but these friendships are different.  More like associations.

Baby boomers will remember writing and receiving letters in the mail.

Gen Xers may remember that, too, or using email like regular mail composing the content the same way just faster.

Millennials are in constant contact with each other primarily through texting and social media.  New research reveals that they check their phones every 30 minutes – often more.

Friendships take time and time is the one thing almost all of us do not have enough of.  When was the last time you were bored?

Social media friendships are rewarding in their own way.  Instagram pictures bring a magic to real time and help us transcend the miles.

But for any friendship that we deem really special we must be willing to devote the time to nurture and enjoy it in the present.

That may include the connectivity of social media but requires face to face experience without distractions.

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Making the dean’s list doesn’t mean you’ll be successful.

The man who started FedEx – yes, FedEx – got a C for the paper that outlined his someday dream.   Maybe his professor should have gotten an F.

Lots of viewers don’t assure happiness to the TV star although it is likely to make them lots of money.

We are overly obsessed with metrics, numbers, and research studies.

But research didn’t bring you the iPhone, iPod, iPad or Apple Watch, a gut feeling by Steve Jobs did.

By trying to best our best time on the treadmill or to run a mile, we are not necessarily making ourselves happier.  Being healthy should make us happier.

Even a $5,000 raise doesn’t feel the same way a year later as it did when it was granted.

The joke is a new car feels best until the first payment needs to be made.

Numbers are interesting and useful, but chasing numbers is no guarantee for happiness.

That comes from chasing dreams.

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Not by arguing, for sure.

Not by reacting in any way.

By ignoring their rudeness and putting distance between yourself and them.

Ever wonder how rude people get to continue to be jerks even as everyone around them knows what they are?

Because giving them added oxygen keeps them going.

Ignoring them and removing yourself from them deprives them of the attention they want – and that’s really their end game.

If the insult takes place in front of others, better yet.  Don’t react.  Remove yourself.  Leave the rude person to fumble with their inappropriate comments.

If it takes place privately, do all you can to not acknowledge the comments.

One thing.  If the jerk is your boss, same rules apply.  More so.

We have more control over rude people when we deprive them of the catnip they crave – attention at all costs.

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Steve Jobs and his wife would not let their children have unlimited use of the Internet.

The man who arguably did more to put the Internet in the hands and pockets of so many knew that too much of a good thing is not in the interest of young people.

Well, it’s also not in the interest of older folks, either.

Balance has always been the goal in life even before smartphones and digital devices were invented and it is no different now.

The best way to get a hold on too much use of digital devices is to redefine what these devices are which is tools, not a lifestyle.

A lifestyle is talking, sharing, laughing, experiencing and discovering people and places around us.  The tools that can often make this easier are digital access to the wide resources of the Internet and the world of apps.

Too many sweets are not good for the health.

Too much time devoted to an excellent communication tool instead of living in the present is also not good for the health.

My students at USC who were forced by their professor to give up using their smartphones for two days largely had these two conclusions.

One, they missed their phones and two, they enjoyed not being tethered to them so much even though they wanted their phones back.

In the end the generation that is addicted to their digital lives may have to be the ones to show everyone else the correct way to use them.

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The reason it is so hard to be a good listener is because most people are listening with the intent to judge.

Make some retort. Or think privately in a way that interferes with the message.

The great thing about being a good listener is that you don’t have to and shouldn’t want to rush to judgment on what you’re hearing.

This is not possible for people who are not comfortable in their own shoes.

And a person who has been caught up in self-absorption erroneously thinks that they must comment or offer an opinion from their perspective on everything they hear.

Good listeners don’t have to vie for the attention.

This is not to say that you can’t have an opinion on what you’re hearing or want to offer a comment on what you hear – but for everything?

Listening is not immediately judging.

It is not about us. It’s about them.

No one is going to get hurt if you don’t weigh in on every comment someone shares.

In fact, it’s the reverse.

The more you listen without making it about you, the more others will think you are a great friend and good conversationalist.

Try it.

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Rejecting another – publicly or privately – is a devastating way to bully and shame a person.

To be on the receiving end of such rejection is tough to deal with.  People use the tactic to control others and often it works because rejection or even the fear of it makes us codependent to the abuser.

Ask how this rejection makes you feel badly.

Here are a few common rejections with workarounds attached.

• A broken relationship might suggest not feeling lovable (Accentuate the strengths you know you have and take this as a sign that the right person is also out there waiting to meet you because they probably are).
• Having an idea dismissed without any consideration, may make you feel stupid (Put a stop/loss on letting other people grade your intellect immediately).
• Leaving you out of a group that you want to be in could suggest you’re not worthy of friendship (Seek out another group and prove to yourself that this is not true).
• Not getting credit at work for something you earned can leave you feeling cheated out of that which is yours (Collect your accomplishments in a place where you can review them as often as necessary. Someone can take away the credit but don’t ever let them take away the accomplishment).
• Getting laid off may make you feel unnecessary (Make feeling useful and important the number one thing you look for in your next job – not money alone).

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You’ve heard the saying “you are your own worst enemy” so how about changing that to “I am my own best friend”.

Friends do not let friends down – so starting today, we won’t let ourselves down either.

Friends accept others the way they truly are so from now on, the way we are will be just fine.

Friends do not demand perfection as a prerequisite for that friendship nor will we demand that everything we do must end with perfection.  Perfection is an okay roadmap but it is not a realistic outcome.

Avoid people who undermine your ability to trust in yourself, your judgment and your actions.

Turn your intentions into promises.  When we have good intentions, cement them by making them a promise to yourself.

Be nice to yourself.  True friends don’t talk in a rude or unkind way about themselves.

Follow your intuition.  100% of the time your intuition is right so when we hesitate or deviate we set ourselves up to undermine our best intelligence.

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Who among us doesn’t need help with this in our super-connected workaday world?

Some solutions …

• Put your screens to bed before you put your children to bed and let them both rest while you engage your spouse and loved ones in real time.
• Take back control of your life and put your digital devices back where they belong – as tools to help make life better and relationships more fruitful.
• Jot your day’s accomplishments down and put them somewhere you can remind yourself of how productive you were.  After hours is about relationships not productivity.
• Greet your spouse and children with the mindset like you have been away on a trip for two weeks when returning home.  And do this every day.
• Engage those around you.  Let them pick the topics and suggest potential outcomes for your time together.  Power down and step up.

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