It amazes me how often people say they are going to do something and never do it.

I get that their promise could simply be a good intention but good intentions become good deeds by following through.

Even salespeople fail to follow up when you’re a potential customer – this is not only bad sales training, it is disappointing others.

The cure is to take ownership of that which you say you’re going to do.

If you say it, you own it.

But that pertains to us.  How about others who let us down?

Unfortunately it is part of the human condition – making promises that cannot be kept.

So since we can’t control others, we can control how we hear promises.

And for every promise made to you, quietly add, “This is only a good intention”.

Then be grateful for every promise kept.

And be realistic about every promise broken.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

The only reason we have a problem with being wrong is the mistaken notion that we always have to be right.

No one is always right, yet saying you’re wrong is something you rarely hear.

If a ballplayer gets a hit one out of four times, he is out (or wrong) 75% of the time and is considered a success – probably a multi-millionaire.

The few people I knew who are not threatened because they are often wrong are a joy to be around.

They listen more intensely.

They seem more human.

And phrases such as “I got that wrong” roll off their lips with ease and almost pride.

Dale Carnegie said admit mistakes quickly and emphatically.

Emphatically according to the dictionary means “in a forceful way”.

How often does that ever happen?

So being wrong is not so bad.  In fact, it is often good.  Why carry around the great burden of always having to be right?

One more thing.

When we are right, it is more rewarding to let someone else tell us before we talk about it.

Receive these day starters every day here.

It’s good when we consider both the pros and cons of our decisions rather than just dive in and wantonly take chances hoping for the best.

But for many, this seesaw process relegates them to inaction.

They miss the train, miss the trend, miss the relationship, and let the opportunity get away.

Some gamblers don’t have this problem because they expect to win and they are surprised when they lose.

I like that thought but not when the deck could be stacked against me.

I’d like to share something that offers the right dose of caution with the balancing dose of positive expectation.

It’s from Apple founder Steve Jobs who adds two important elements to the decision making process.

Your heart and the inevitability of death.

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

I love to hear from you here.

Millennials hate voicemail.

Then again, older people do, too but they tolerate it more easily.

Voicemail wastes time when the alternative is a text message or email.

Millennials figure it usually isn’t important unless they get a message by text.  That’s a significant generational change considering that there are 95 million Millennials and it might be helpful to consider to whom you are communicating.

And we’re getting so time conscious that “swiping” the text message keyboard instead of punching the letters in makes it lightning fast to send messages back and forth.

We’re getting a little too tied up in efficiency and not concerned enough with effectiveness.

Voicemail is almost useless unless you can do something on the phone that you can’t do by text and of course that is nothing because we can also text our voice.

Email is often burdensome because we run on and on – a short, well thought out email with an accurate title will almost always get results.  A long one, not so much.

Texting can also be irritating when the back and forth keeps going beyond the point of usefulness.

Choose your weapon and then go to work but for every moment you save in efficiency spend that time thinking about the actual message itself.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

I love to hear from you here.

The Dalai Lama has a suggestion that really works.

Think of everyone as a young child.

Doing that allows you to be more patient and understanding with the people in your lives and dealing with their issues that may be affecting you.

Imagine the compassion that most of us automatically have for young children that we do not have for adults who make us miserable.

Once we think about the things that compel other people to cause unhappiness we can’t help but to be more compassionate.

Use the patience we have with children to understand the motivation of those who are seemingly impossible.

This approach is far superior to trying to change people (which never works) or calling them out for their shortcomings.

By seeing impossible people as a young child, they seem less threatening and allow us to understand the behavior that often upsets us.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

I love to hear from you here.

The upcoming holidays are supposed to be happy days.

After all we see media fantasies about a level of happiness that is simply not possible where human beings come together at a time of great stress.

Add family to that and we often have the recipe for unhappy holidays and worse yet relationship disasters that we pay for well into the next year.

Let’s change some of that this year.

1. These are your holidays, too.  You are not required to make yourself miserable and unhappy to make others happy.
2. Give for the sake of giving and don’t expect or even accept a report card for your efforts.  You have Thanksgiving dinner because it makes you feel good to do it.  You pick up a dinner check because you want to.  Keep expectations low and motivation high – giving is your personal reward.
3. With humans, expect ingratitude and when you get appreciation accept it as a special gift you were not expecting.
4. Troublemakers – sometimes in our own families – should not be encouraged.  Walk away and avoid fights because you will never win them and tolerating such behavior almost always encourages more bad behavior. And the holidays bring the crazies out of lots of families.
5. The best suggestion I ever heard to get around all the mayhem from holiday family gathers comes from the Mayo Clinic Physician Amit Sood who says take a moment to count the number of holidays you have left with family members – moms, dads, children, relatives and friends and just knowing there is only a finite number left will change the way you experience your time together.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

I love to hear from you here.

I came across a paper by Elizabeth Dunn titled “If money doesn’t make you happy, then you probably aren’t spending it right”.

Previously, I shared research that indicated that on average in the United States, the sweet spot for being happy on what you earn is $70,000 a year.  That may not sound like a lot of money but researchers found that making more than $70,000 on average did not increase happiness in the opinion of those who participated.  Obviously, the number to be happy in Hawaii is higher.

Dunn proposes 8 principles to help get more happiness for the buck.

1. Buy more experiences and fewer material goods.
2. Use your money to benefit others rather than yourself.
3. Buy many small pleasures rather than fewer large ones.
4. Eschew extended warranties and other forms of overpriced insurance.
5. Delay consumption.
6. Consider how peripheral features of your purchases may affect your day-to-day life.
7. Beware of comparison shopping.
8. Pay close attention to the happiness of others.

So we know that making above a certain amount doesn’t make us any happier, but that there are at least 8 ways to get more bang for our buck on what we earn.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

People who seek attention, show jealousy, talk behind our backs or unfairly judge us somehow seem to win the attention nice people should be getting.

Why is that?

Sometimes you can bend over backwards to be thoughtful and nice – and yes, you get some gratitude but somehow the needy “drama queens and kings” get more positive attention.

That’s because society is addicted to bad news (duh-look online, TV news, haters, etc.).  No one cares about the nicest person in the world, attention always goes to the one with the most bizarre behavior.

This is apparently a human condition that is not very nice and it begs the question how should we act if the more difficult person gets the most positive attention.

In the end, it is not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves.

In my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages I share my routine.  When shaving in the morning, I look in the mirror and ask, “Are you the person you want to be – honest, a friend, compassionate, ethical …?”

Remarkably, people who are centered in their own self-confidence and therefore less needy attract real admirers.

The world appreciates a person who is authentic in as many ways as possible.

You can sample Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages at no cost here.

1. Nurture a few relationships that are important to you.  These people are your best resource for dealing with the basic human need for support when we face recovering from short or long-term anxiety problems.
2. Remember this quote from none other than Shakespeare:  “assume a virtue if you have it not”.  This is my favorite tool — my constant reminder to assume that I have what it takes in any situation instead of right away letting a thought creep into my mind that I don’t.
3. Not all anxiety is bad and it is amazing that we can tolerate more anxiety than we think, but when our health, quality of life or relationships start feeling the toll, seek professional help.
4. Sometimes anxiety is caused by expectations we, or others unfairly put on ourselves.  For every anxious thought, also include an appreciation of gratitude for that which we do right.
5. Anxiety makes us feel like we are losing control but the irony of life is that we gain control by giving up control.  Sometime this morning, try giving up control of something that bothers you and see how it feels.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

Our phones are in our palms.

Tablets and/or laptops nearby.

Social media on 24/7.

Looking for Instagram opportunities all around us.

And then, there is work.

The challenges of working in the office or virtual makes it a lot more difficult to power down when the day ends.

Because now, work never ends.

Unless we turn to our own devices.

1. Gradually disconnect from work activities at the end of the day – choose one at a time and in your mind power it off.
2. Set limits to accessing work after work hours.  Exceptions can be made but generally close the virtual door behind you when work is done.
3. A powerful alterative to shutting down is seeking more social interaction in person and through digital devices.  Just because we can be connected to work constantly doesn’t mean it is good for us so replace work with social things.
4. When work issues come up in off hours, make a digital note to deal with it first thing tomorrow.

Hard work is the road to success, but all work all the time isn’t beneficial for our careers, relationships or health.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

Haters are not just jealous.

They don’t necessarily want to be you.

They simply cannot be happy for success so they focus on something that is wrong about that which is good.

Or, something wrong about you.

Haters are a creation of the times in which we live – the unparalleled access to each other’s lives through social media connections and the digital lives we live.

Calling out haters just gives them more attention.

Using the word almost justifies their behavior.

I treat haters the way I treat jealousy although they are two separate things.

You’re going to have to trust me on this.  Okay?

Use compassion first and then you will shed them.

For example:  “I feel really sorry for him/her having to put me down when I have accomplished so much”.

The moment you do this – show compassion for their depravity.

You are responding (that’s good) instead of reacting (not so good).

Try it.

Share it with family and friends.

Nip haters the moment they strike by doing the one thing that neutralizes them – feeling sorry for their bad behavior.

And if the hating takes place on social media – go through the same drill privately.

Never give haters a larger platform to ruin your good thing.

Recommend these day starters to friends and family here.

The one thing about successful people is that they are seemingly allergic to the word “no”.

When they hear it, they immediately get to work.

Some people become discouraged when they first hear “no”.

Dale Carnegie always said to get the other person to say yes, yes. That’s two yeses. And then you’re on your way.

Here’s how I see it:

1. Eliminate “no” from your vocabulary. When you hear it, start working to get to yes.       You may be surprised how good you can be at this.
2. When you are prevented from getting that which you want, welcome it. Really!       Because the more you hear “no” and the more you get working to accomplish your mission the more you really want it.
3. Nothing worth happening landed in the lap of anyone who didn’t fight naysayers along the way.
4. “No” is temporary. Yes is permanent.

If you don’t get the job you want, let the rejection propel you into doing what you must to get in on the next try.

If you’re not chosen, fight harder.

Lose the election? Try again.

The irony of a life well lived is that the things we value most are often out of reach until we step it up and prove to ourselves first how much we want it.

More on jerrydelcolliano.com

To keep these day starters coming every day, click here.

You can never seem to do anything right.

They are the ones who take the credit.

They treat you like you are subhuman but expect that to motivate you.

They make you uncomfortable.

They are jealous.

It seems they want you to fail – it makes little sense.

Here’s the rule of thumb.

If you love your job but hate your boss, dig in and outlast that person because even the most powerful abuser of human spirit gets it in the end.

But if you can find fulfillment in a similar or different job elsewhere, leave with dignity and be more diligent about the type of person who will become your next employer.

In the radio industry over the past decade, good and loyal employees have been treated like slaves.  A bad economy and their love of radio have kept these fine people in harm’s way.

Millennials would rather quit a job where they are mistreated then continue working for someone they don’t respect.

This is forcing companies that want to succeed to change the way they talk to and work with employees.  After all, there are 95 million Millennials and it does matter what they think.

In the end, our careers are in our own hands.

Never let anyone get into your head and tamper with your dreams, your desires or self-esteem.

When that happens, it’s time to stop them.

No job is worth holding if you pay for it with the way you feel about yourself.

More on jerrydelcolliano.com

There is almost no hurt greater than to lose a friend.

Friends are hard to come by.

We have many, many acquaintances in life but real friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

And yet, what was once so close can also inflict great hurt when a trusted friend turns on you.

I don’t know many people who have not experienced this pain – including young college students not just limited to adults who have lived a great deal of their lives.

There are no easy ways to nurture the hurt but there are ways to get back on track after the loss of a friend.

• There are many reasons for breaches in relationships – among the most likely is jealousy.  Plainly put, jealousy kills friendships.
• Leave the door open to reconciliation and forgiveness down the road if and when the offending friend also realizes the hole in their life that was created when they stopped being a friend.
• It is helpful to remember that your other friends need you and that they should not be subjected to undo ruminating over someone else’s loss.

Concentrating on being a friend is a better use of time than ruminating over the friend someone else wants you to be.

More on jerrydelcolliano.com

I read a most encouraging article in The New York Times recently called “A Natural Fix for A.D.H.D”.

It reminded me of a music industry student who sought me out the day before he attended my first class.

As I recall, he said, “Professor Del Colliano, I have four different types of attention deficit diagnosed”.

To which I replied, “Well don’t you worry, we’ll work with them”.

But I’ll never forget his response which was “Oh, it’s not a disadvantage.  It’s an advantage”.

And the Times article went on to suggest that people with attention deficit – an estimated 11% between the ages of 4 and 17 may simply be craving more excitement, more stimulation.

Plainly put, they may be bored.

That’s why a smart professor will lose those PowerPoint slides and do interactive teaching.

And why we shouldn’t define our children as being damaged when they actually may be more suited for a different age – the hunter/gatherer era of history in which they would have been best suited to the dangers of life before our agrarian society was born 1,000 years ago.

Take the limits off.

Rest the preconceived notions.

We’re treating people who are good and smart and loving and kind as if they had a disease when it may well be that their minds are restless and looking for new challenges.

Every “disadvantage” has an “advantage” – that is the main lesson of life.

More on Jerrydelcolliano.com

Yesterday I found myself quoting word for word two friends of mine that are no longer on this earth.

“Never outgrow your zest for enthusiasm”.

“Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them”.

Wynn Etter, the Dale Carnegie sponsor for whom I worked for many years, lived by his pledge of enthusiasm.

And Jim Weinraub, also a Dale Carnegie associate and friend, was wise in ways I thought I knew then, but really know now especially when it came to observing the human condition.

How I would love to hear them again.

Or hear my mother remind me that “every dog has its day” when I faced disappointment.

It is true that special people cannot be replaced, but the best way to keep them alive – to keep a clear memory of them advancing in the future – is to quote them, talk about how special they are, share the gift of their joy or wisdom with others who have never met them.

Life is a continuum and we don’t get to decide when we must say goodbye to special people, but we can keep them alive in our minds and hearts every day by not forgetting the specific things that made them special.

More on jerrydelcolliano.com

Change is difficult.

Sometimes it even seems impossible and we grow frustrated and give up.

Change is a scary word.

Politicians use it as if people really want it when what they really want is for things to get better.

Let’s replace change with getting better.

Here are the secrets to effectively make changes.

1. See vividly in your mind’s eye that which will make you better, happier, more fulfilled, more loving or more loved.
2. Make a road map. Just wanting to be better is a prescription for failure.  We have to know how to move toward that which we want.
3. Change that matters usually comes from turmoil so if you are expecting to flip a switch and emerge as someone else or someone better, that’s not going to happen.
4. Change comes to those who refuse to give up pursuing it. In other words, after making a plan, your ability to doggedly stick to that plan almost always guarantees success.
5. When it feels like change is coming too slowly, remember that good things come to those who want it the most.

That’s why New Year’s resolutions never seem to make it past the first week in January.

Even failing to change is valuable.

It tells us that we didn’t want it enough to work for it.

More on jerrydelcolliano.com

Ali:  “So everything the God made, the cows, horses, the moon, stars, ants, everything has a purpose … Now what’s your purpose? You’re a human being. If God made the sun have a purpose, humans have a purpose too. You haven’t found your life purpose yet have you?”

Maryum Ali:  “To make people feel better … To fix people up.”

Ali:  “That’s good, Maryum”.

This is what we learn from a documentary about the amazing boxer Muhammad Ali as he spoke to one of his daughters.

It makes me take pause and ask some questions of myself.

What is your purpose on this earth?

Am I proceeding in the right direction?

Am I using my God-given gifts – all of them?

We wouldn’t travel from New York to New Haven without a roadmap or certainly Google Maps.

Why do we live our lives without knowing where we are going.

It’s never too late to change course to match what our purpose is on this earth.

For permission to link these daily starters to your website or social media, click here.

That’s the conclusion of Shawn Achor who speaks of the happy secret to better work.

That means that thinking we’ll be happy when we make a certain amount of money (or win the lottery) is not correct.

If we meet another person, it will make us happy (not always true).

If we lose weight, we’ll feel happier (healthier but not always happier).

What Achor is isolating which I find empowering is that we would be wise to put our expectations second to our happiness.

Be happy, then don’t worry.

Not don’t worry, be happy.

Intelligence and technical skills only predict 25% of success.

“75% of long term job success is predicted not by intelligence and technical skills, which is normally how we hire, educate and train, but it’s predicted by three other umbrella categories. It’s optimism (which is the belief that your behavior matters in the midst of challenge), your social connection (whether or not you have depth and breadth in your social relationships), and the way that you perceive stress”.

As a college professor I preached optimism over everything to my students.  Now there is research to back it.

Our homework then is to work at being happy.

The other benefits will follow and not the other way around.

For permission to link these daily starters to your website or social media, click here.

It seems like there are so many school shootings these days.

I’ve heard people say, “Back in my day that never happened”.

Here is how I choose to look at it.

99.99% of our school children are educated in safe environments.

But to make every young person safe we have to put politics aside and focus on the stressful world in which we live.

Most people are stressed beyond belief and to make things worse, they are tied to their stress through digital communication and social media.

Bullying is not the exception but the rule at all schools, in all grades and in every part of the country.

There are things we can do about school safety and things that educators must do – such as become more skilled looking for early warning signs because it seems every time we have a tragedy like the recent one in Washington, officials have to admit that they didn’t see this behavior coming.

Bullying is not acceptable – and I am speaking of the workplace and in personal relationships as well.

Bullying is ten times worse in the digital age because it can be conducted publicly.

So rather than shake our heads and mourn another sad day, let’s roll up our sleeves and do what we can do – become a vocal advocate against bullying all people.

For permission to link these daily starters to your website or social media, click here.