The secret is not looking back and determining that all those bad breaks you overcame actually led to a better outcome.

The secret is remembering that good comes from bad.

I hate to even admit it but we don’t usually know what we really want.

We think we do.

Sometimes we are convinced we do.

But adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

And so often things could only have happened because we didn’t get what we wanted.

The mate you would have never met if you hadn’t experienced the pain of a broken relationship – this is true for me.

The career you could have never thought of until some employer terminated your position, made you feel pain and launched you into a new career.

All the unexpected good things that seem to happen when we take the death grip off our lives and look forward to that which we have never sought.

To make this powerful message a strong part of your life, make a list of great outcomes in your life and the lives of those around you that we unanticipated and unasked for.

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Not the stress in you.

Eject those people from your lives.

I know.

Some of them are relatives – and you can’t choose your relatives.

But you can choose who you will let have your ear.

Drama queens are stress producers – we know who they are – so failure to withdraw from their world is asking for more stress.

Reject those friends who have lack of character because we eventually become the people that surround us – family, friends, teachers, mentors, mates.

Often we waste a lot of emotional time on people that we allow to bring stress into our lives.

At best, avoid them.

If you can’t avoid these negative influences, reduce the time they get your ear.

And if these people are so close to you that they are impossible to avoid, the only way out is to banish them from your life.

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Nothing stings more than putting it all out there to get a new job only to find out that you didn’t get it.

I tried for three years to get an on-air job at a Philadelphia television station and for three straight years I never received as much as a courteous response or acknowledgment.  And I included a tape of my voice as well monthly potentially magnifying my vulnerability to rejection.

But I knew – and know – that nothing worthwhile comes easy.

So, every month – off went another tape of me to three Philly TV stations until one day the program director at Channel 6 called and said he needed a booth announcer for just two days.

He even went as far to caution me that this is a very temporary job and that was that.

I accepted the two days and wound up staying.

Here’s how I think:  If being lucky is what it takes to get the job or promotion of my dreams, I’m out.  But if being persistent is the criteria, I will always get it.

And I do.

I share this because we need to change the way we think about putting it on the line and taking prudent risks.

Deal with any potential hurt feelings the way athletes do for injuries – part of the business.

Celebrate being bold and persistent and expect a positive result.

We are our own worst enemy when we should be our very best friend.

Before you readjust your thinking, take a moment to name three people you admire the most and then look into how they got to where they are today.

Rejection is the fuel for a motivated person.

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In the Showtime hit series Ray Donovan, every phone call shown on screen ends with a click not a goodbye.

Of course, we know the producers are taking theatrical license, but still – it reminds me that even with texting as big as it is for all generations, people find themselves ignored.

Text a message – you may get an answer, you may not.  Or you may get into a long back and forth.

Make a phone call (what’s that?) on your smartphone and leave a message – chances are better than ever that you will get an email or text as a response.

Even some salespeople would rather do it all by email than in person or on the phone even if you would rather not.

But what hurts the most is when a friend ignores us.

That couldn’t happen in a world where it is impossible not to receive a quick response, could it?

When this bothers me I fix it right away by focusing on what I can control which is what I am communicating not the anticipated response.

Keep expectations low and motivation high.

If there is one way to become a better person with virtually little effort it is to never ignore another person whether you’re in their company, on the phone, by email, texting or social media.

This is also the secret to making people crave you and listen to your ideas and points of view.

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When we set goals, we tend to set them in ways that will not help us accomplish them.

Save for a rainy day is not very sexy and most Americans do not have enough money when the rain begins.

Save for something specific in the next 6 months and you’re actually helping to pattern the habits you will need for the long term.

When we get a few extra bucks (and sometimes when we don’t), we tend to spend here and now instead of save for later – and that’s quite understandable.

But here are some solutions:

• Split any extra money in half – one part goes to the future, the other you can spend now.
• See vividly what money really buys – when I buy gas at the local Costco, I have figured I am saving enough to buy 30-50 shares of Apple (at about $100 a share).  I love Apple and love to invest in it but that investment grows when I can see the gas savings at Costco.
• And here’s the big one.  We spend our lives working our butts off often with little to show for it financially.  So I take some of what I earn (or have earned in the past) and put it in a safe but productive investment that grows the money and pays me a dividend.  I spend ALL of the dividend every year and since the principle keeps growing, there’s more to spend every year.

This isn’t brain surgery, I admit.

But setting intermediate goals in all areas of life (I just covered financial here today), guarantees you’ll stick to the plan.

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Hollywood entertainment reporter Mike Evans says famed Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda (now 87 years young) has the perfect saying for dealing with problems.

Talking about your problems is no good, 80% of your friends don’t care and the rest are glad.

That prompts me to add, the solution may very well be to identify your problems – the things that eat at you, haunt you or rob you of happiness – and come up with a plan to attack them.

Too often we assume that the first solution is the best, but that is not always the case.

When Thomas Edison was trying to invent the light bulb, he famously failed frequently.  But Edison claimed, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times.  The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps” and that “Great success is built on failure, frustration, even catastrophe”.

Why is it that we expect the one or two things we do is enough to solve a lingering problem?

Successful people.

Better yet happy people know the road to life is always under construction and that there are no simple answers to complex problems.

Just recognizing that failing is a rehearsal for winning is enough to keep us going.

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Ever wonder why a cancer patient can see life vividly even during treatment and many of us cannot.

Why we spend our valuable days chasing after things that in the end will not make one bit of difference in our happiness.

It’s good to be goal-oriented.

Life is to be lived to the fullest and goal-oriented thinking can provide us with accomplishments that feed our zest for living.

Then again, looking around for that which is already in our lives and taking full advantage of these things is a hidden key to happiness.

Hate your job?  Maybe your part-time job or avocation is begging you to choose them instead.

Disappointed by a friend?  Probably somewhere in your daily footprint is a person waiting to interact with a good person like you.

Stressed out so much it is affecting your health?  All the stress reduction books and programs in the world are not as effective as a regular walk on the beach, through the park or along some unknown vista.  Physical exercise plus time to think are two powerful bromides.

Sometimes everything you want in life is already there – in the background, under the radar or still unnoticed because of busy lives.

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May I share a few of my secrets?

1. Use a notes app on your smartphone to quickly jot down every success you have in a day – large and small.  (Examples:  from helping your daughter fall asleep after a bad dream to hitting it out of the park on your presentation).
2. Scroll through this ever-growing list of accomplishments at least once a day – most recent accomplishments on top.  Amazingly, most people forget that which they did well and record in their brain that which they didn’t – or at least were told they didn’t.
3. Memorize a line that I use before I make a speech:  “I’ve done it before, I can do it again”.
4. Trying something new often brings anxiety and a loss of confidence.  The cure:  Keep track of new things that you’ve done well and review them when you are out of your comfort zone.
5. My personal favorite:  think of the sport you like the most (it’s hockey for me).  Reflect on how every athlete wants to win every game, score a lot and be the star.  A realistic reminder that preparation breeds confidence and the best that we can do is to play hard to win but develop a sincere love for being excellent at what you do; not being perfect.

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I had a professor in college who was also a Dale Carnegie instructor.

It was my first exposure to the wonderful world of Dale Carnegie thinking.

But after class when our professor was showing apparent person centered interest in his students, he had the habit of glancing at his watch when they responded to him.

Later when I became a trained Dale Carnegie instructor, I learned that no less than Mr. Carnegie himself said don’t try using his human relations principles without being sincere about them.

Sincere person centered interest is what my friend Bruce St. James has for his KTAR audience.

I have been to lunch with him on many occasions and Bruce is always recognized for his authentic personality, voice and easygoing style.

He’s no b.s.

They ask about him, but more importantly, I have seen him always ask about them.

Even getting their names so he can mention them in social media or on the air.

No one can resist humility.

Being the fine person you are is always good enough especially if you practice treating people with person centered interested.

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When I was a communications student at Temple University, I was lucky enough to get my first radio job on a Philadelphia station while in school.

It was on the all-night show – midnight to 6 am six days a week — and I went to school five of those days, but I was very happy to have it.

As you can imagine, I was tired all the time.  I slept on the office chairs from 6-8 am when I got off the air, shaved in the bathroom, drove to school and slept in the late afternoon and early evening.

Then one day – or should I say in the middle of the early morning about 3am – I fell asleep on the air.  The album track that I was playing played through to the end and when I woke up horrified, there was dead air.

The next day I was fired.

The station’s program director was wide-awake and listening in.

It was devastating.

The man who fired me taught me so much – so there was that.

The money was useful but not a factor however it was getting such a good opportunity while in college and blowing it that did me in.

I know talent in broadcasting is always fired but this soon?

Turns out it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I took what little experience I had and my deep albeit untrained voice to the local television stations where I finally got a break as a booth announcer for channel six.

Why do I share this now?

The end of our world as we know it is often the beginning of better things.

Learn from unfortunate and unfair experiences.

Work your way back vigorously and expect that you will make better use of your next chance.

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You might think the iconic founder of Apple would have children who are so tech savvy they cannot put their digital devices down.

Not so.

Jobs and his wife Laurene, a Stanford University trustee, would limit the amount of screen time their children were allowed to have every day.

In fact, many Silicon Valley tech execs limit their children’s screen time.

What do they know that makes them act with such certainty when many of us give in to the whims of students, the pressures of their peer groups and even the misguided direction of some early education teachers?

Here’s what they do, perhaps it is helpful or at least thought worthy:

1. Strictly limit screen time (note that I said “strictly”).
2. Ban use of digital devices on school nights (yes, try this at home).
3. No screens in the bedroom under any circumstances.
4. Define that which you will allow children to do when they are allowed screen time.
5. Put in place what I call “analog” time for weekends where children can interact with parents, each other or have time for themselves.  I grew up in the small town of Springfield, PA where I walked to get everywhere and anywhere.  As I look back on that, the time alone helped me pass the time by using my creativity.

Screens in the back of cars and SUVs to keep children occupied should be banned.  It’s lazy parenting as is plopping kids in front of a television.

Encourage kids to look for license plates from far away states, talk to each other, play games and yes, even talk back and forth with mom and dad.

Need more motivation to get tough with screen time?

Exposure to harmful content, easily accessed pornography, social sites like SnapChat where lots of kids take nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves without their parents knowing because the site claims the pictures are self destructive 2-10 seconds after they are viewed.

There’s bullying.  Lack of sleep when young people take their phones to bed (which they do).  Social ineptitude resulting from a lack of personal contact with others.  Children under 10 are the most susceptible.

We are not doing our jobs if we allow young people to pick up the destructive habits of digital living – the same habits that may also be compromising our lives.

What did Steve Jobs’ children do instead of using the devices he invented?  A New York Times reporter recently asked Jobs’ biographer, Walter Isaacson if he knew.

“Every evening Steve made a point of having dinner at the big long table in their kitchen, discussing books, and history and a variety of things.  No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer. The kids did not seem addicted at all to devices”.

Become addicted to life with digital devices in their proper place.

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There is almost nothing that can hurt you more than your own negative thoughts.

The words and actions of others can be hurtful – even destructive – but they pale in comparison to the words and thoughts that we turn loose to hurt ourselves.

No age group is more positive than another although younger people tend to be more optimistic about the future but not necessarily more positive about themselves.

When you find yourself saying words of limitation, catch them and stop it (i.e., statements that have the word  “can’t” in them).

When you hear someone else use words that limit their potential or talk themselves down, recognize it each and every time so it doesn’t infect you (example: Substitute “I’ve put together the best resume and presentation I possibly can, I’m excited” for “They are interviewing so many people for that promotion, my chances are not good that I will get it”).

When you buy into a streak of bad luck, break it to change your luck – good things follow positive thoughts (“If I keep doing enough good things, my chance of succeeding will improve just as athletes who practice with positivity rehearse their future success”).

And expect to get what you want.  I have (and sometimes relapse) into negative thoughts, but my history suggests otherwise.  Usually, I find a way to get what I want.

Think about this – your history may be the same when you look at it objectively.

Expect something good to come out of the ups and downs of life and it usually does.

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Give 5 minutes of uninterrupted listening to those who are important in your life each and every week.

5 minutes to a friend, co-worker, family member or child in which you vow to say absolutely nothing while you simply hear the other person out.

Duct tape your lips shut – at least in your mind’s eye.

This is pure magic.

5 minutes often becomes longer and when it is your turn to talk – and you will be surprised how much the other person actually wants to hear from you when you give them this prime talking time first – you will be heard.

No more screaming for attention.

No longer making everything about us.

Just 5 minutes – you pick the people – and listen.

Married couples and partners may want to consider making this process a little more formal – ten minutes for you and 10 minutes for them every week.

Believe me, people would rather be heard than have you agree with them.

Parents and children don’t really suffer from a gender gap but rather a hearing problem.

The secret that will change your life is to give 5 minutes of person centered interest to those people you identity as important in your life.

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There is an epidemic of stress that few of us have been able to avoid and many of us have not been able to control.

Incredibly, much of the stress in our lives comes from those very close to us – friends, family and often people we spend the most time with who cause workplace related stress.

But real friends do not cause anxiety in others.

People who do are egocentric and sometimes try to project their unhappiness on those who are only a short distance away from their lives.  And in today’s digital world, we are ALL a short distance away from potential anxiety producers.

Take this stress test:

1. Are those close to you making everything about them and not you?  If so, they are not available to be your friend even if that is their intention.
2. Do they give you ultimatums – do this or do that or I am disappointed in you?  If they try this, they are manipulative.  Real friends do not manipulate.
3. Are they emotional or do they trigger emotional stress in you?  Those who do are often more interested in bullying than being a true friend.

Think of the best friend you have right now.

Are they kind?  Do they give without expecting anything in return?

Here’s an overlooked marker:  do they listen at least half the time and speak the other half?  Are they there for you without regard to gaining anything in return?

Friends don’t let friends cause anxiety.

It is unreasonable to expect such people to change their behavior.  You must change yours.

Spend more time with people who produce warmth and reassurance and less time with those who make their whims, problems and desires kidnap your relationship.

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Cellular voice calls in the U.S. grew 14% over the last year (source: CTIA, the Wireless Association).

There are now apps for new age talking (i.e., short, to the point).

For that there is Voxer which works like a walkie-talkie letting people communicate back and forth in short bursts.

ChitChat doing the same thing except the messages disappear after they’ve been played.

Apple is also working on mobile software that will allow users to send short voice messages that will also disappear once heard.

Talking on the phone is a valuable tool.

It enables us to discern the feelings of others in ways that text-based messaging cannot.

It shows a maturation of our digital communication process.

Generations past, people would call their relatives on Sunday nights when the lowest phone rates applied.  Still, they would remind the recipient that “I’m calling Long Distance” meaning get to the point this is costing me money.

When most cell carriers charge for data usage and giveaway texting and talking for free, it tells you where they think the market is.

All tools of communication – texting, talking, social apps, Instagram, SnapChat and even email are assets of living in the digital age.

But don’t confuse the process for the tools.

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Yes, anger.

A healthy sense of outrage at the problems that plague us or people who stymie our growth and happiness.

Hope is not a fuzzy word.  It is a formula that helps us through the challenges of life.

People can endure anything if they have hope.

Viktor Frankl, the young psychiatrist imprisoned in a World War II concentration camp endured inhumane treatment that was also directed at 6 million other victims.

But when he was freed, Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning relates how faith in some people gave him hope about his condition and his fellow man.

Without hope, no one can survive.

To get to hope, be courageous and show an appropriate healthy sense of anger for the things that get us down.

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The three times divorced movie star Ali McGraw says all her marriages ended because she never told her partners who she really was.

Communication is merely an unmet expectation unless we feel strongly enough to start the process – at home, at work with friends and family.

When people don’t communicate they almost never say, “I didn’t communicate”.

Sometimes they admit, “We didn’t communicate”.

But usually the breakdown is described as “they never communicated with me”.

We cannot expect others to be what we want them to be unless we are committed to being what we want to be.

Think it.

Say it.

All you can do is your part.

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Marriott, the hotel chain that made $13 billion in revenue last year caused a dustup from customers when they enlisted the help of TV anchor Maria Shriver to come up with cash to pay their underpaid hotel maids.

To be clear, Marriott’s’ hotel maids are among the lowest paid in an industry that also has a 40% higher injury rate than other service sectors.

Many Marriott hotel guests happily pay cash bonuses to their individual room maids but didn’t appreciate the envelopes placed in 160,000 Marriott hotel rooms in the U.S. and Canada recently.

One tweeter said, “I have a great deal for you Marriott – you stop charging for wireless in the rooms, and I’ll put that money toward tipping the maids!! Win Win!”

Another said, “..rather than telling your patrons to tip their attendants, or spend marketing dollars to roll out a campaign, isn’t it your responsibly to pay your workers livable wages so that tips are not required!”

Millennials have renewed our passion for being authentic not only as a person but in our business dealings.

Cable companies and mobile carriers are less than honest with us.  If you are planning to buy a new iPhone, lots of luck determining the real price of the phone beyond the promises of cellular companies.

All of this reminds us that to be authentic – the real deal – should be our main goal.

Be ourselves with warts and all.

Reject Mad Men-era spin saying one thing that really means another.

People are attracted to authenticity.

By the millions.

And one relationship at a time.

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New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand outed some of her colleagues in the new book Off the Sidelines.

Sadly, women are still the targets of men who are either unthinking or uninformed that women are the exact same thing as men in the workplace.

Just after having a baby and being appointed to replace Hillary Clinton as Senator from New York, Gillibrand heard:  “too fat to get elected statewide”, heard warnings from colleagues about being “too porky” and being told that she’s “even pretty when she’s fat”.  One senator even grabbed her waist and called her “chubby”.

She was reduced to tears and lost confidence; Gillibrand said, “I wasn’t in a place where I could tell him to go (F) himself”.

Women get these undermining comments all the time even in this day of enlightenment across all industries.

My thoughts:

1. Reject any comment directed to you as out of line (even psychological ones) that you don’t agree with.  As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “’No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.  So the solution starts with you.
2. Countering with insults only reduces you to their level – cut them off, dismiss the criticism and move on.
3. Combat the damage that can easily be done to your reputation by focusing primarily on being the competent fine person you are.

We are human.

Sexism and harassment hurts.

Put every negative comment to work to succeed in your goals and to be the person you want to be.

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Before I give a speech, I stand up as straight as a ramrod, take deep breaths and stride forward to the stage.

As a radio program director I often asked my djs to stand up for their shifts – at least at the beginning of their shows to emote confidence and power.

Now I know why.

Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard Business School has done research on “power poses” that have clearly helped people from all walks of life, in just about every career and some who have even been damaged by bullying, mental illness, sexual assault or physical limitations.

I am anxious to share this with you and hope you will pass it along to friends, children and loved ones:

1. Making yourself BIG for only two minutes changes the brain in ways that build courage, reduce anxiety and promote leadership skills – tested techniques that really work.  Get up and stand tall.
2. Stretching out comfortable in a desk chair – feet on the desk, fingers held behind your head – increases testosterone by 20% and better yet, lowered the stress hormone cortisol by 25%.  Just that one move.  Think about how we sit slumped over our laptops, iPads and phones all day long.  It may not be convenient, but sitting straight up at a desktop computer breeds more confidence.
3. Instead as Cuddy puts it “fake it until you become it”.

Cuddy: “Let your body tell you you’re powerful and deserving and you become more present, enthusiastic and authentically yourself”.

We’re always looking for high priced ways to take a pill or attend classes and even seek professional help to mitigate anxiety.  Try this two-minute approach today and share your comments.

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