Why do we let others get into our heads to hurt us?

Yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes we know it’s going to happen and we still let other people drag us down.

A friend wrote to me a few months back and confessed, “I am a failure”.  How could he be so wrong?  Why allow this type of hurtful self-talk.

1. Even when we fail, we actually succeed IF we do not quit.
2. Never let anyone record a negative message in your brain.  Put it on hold immediately and banish the thought from your mind.
3. Consider compliments as validation of the good things you already think about yourself or else compliments can sometimes lead to co-dependence (when we crave what others say but need them to say it to actually believe it).
4. I have known more than one cancer patient who wouldn’t allow themselves the luxury of discouragement.  If they can avoid it, so can I.
5. The best advice I ever heard about dealing with discouragement is:  go to bed and sleep it off.  Wake up tomorrow ready to begin again.

“Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus” – Robert South

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If you’re great on the phone, why choose email?

If you’re great writing, why use the phone?

If you’re great with people and skilled in human relations, why sit back and let others lead?

We often choose the wrong tools to achieve success.

Can you identify your number one personal trait – the thing that you do better than most others?  (If not, now is the time to think this through).

I had the joy and horror to watch the great basketball player and now TV commentator Charles Barkley hit golf balls at the driving range.

It was ugly.

This big man – talented in basketball and sportscasting – trying to hit a golf ball with the same skill.  Golf was laughable but fine for his part-time passion, but you’ll notice he didn’t quit his day job.

The road to success is shorter and quicker when we play to our strengths.

“Play to your strengths.”



“I haven’t got any,” said Harry, before he could stop himself. 



“Excuse me,” growled Moody; “you’ve got strengths if I say you’ve got them. Think now. What are you best at?” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

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I read a piece in The New York Times last week that said if you’re over 50 in the present economy, you may have had your last real job.

Add to that Millennials – 80 million coming of age right now – many of whom have graduated from college to find no jobs and big college loans to repay.

The young folks who find jobs often don’t get benefits like health insurance as part of their employment agreement.  Many are kept to part-time status to eliminate the need to pay their benefits but are expected to remain available 40 hours per week.  How unfair is that?  

And those in the middle know all too well that their positions and careers can be outsourced, “right-sized” or plain eliminated for corporate profit without notice.

How does one live and work in a world of uncertainty?

1. Cooperate with the inevitable.  There is nothing you can personally do to change the way things are, but focus on the ways you can change yourself to maximize that world.
2. Develop skills to work as a “resource” not an employee.  There are fewer benefits to being a full-time employee in today’s economy.  Acquire the necessary skills for the marketplace and offer them to employers with you determining the number of hours of your availability.
3. Spend at least 15% of each week acquiring new skills and making new contacts.  In the previous economy, most workers didn’t get serious about networking for the future until they were out of work.  That will no longer do.
4. No pity parties.  People get rich even in bad economies.  Waste no more time or emotional energy on the bad state of the world economy and dedicate yourself to becoming a new breed of worker – at will, at the ready and loaded with new skills.

Morley Winograd, co-author of several books on Millennials warn, “don’t count Millennials out”.

The way to deal with uncertain employment prospects is to embrace the opportunity to become even more desirable by accepting a new approach to employment.

It was only a few generations ago – perhaps even in your family – when a person would work for only a handful of companies in their lifetime.

And Baby Boomers adapted to a new, faster workplace where they were constantly on the move from one job to the other albeit it in full-time jobs.

Now, the world has changed again and we must be ready to accept and adapt in order to succeed.

“The best career advice given to the young is: Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it” – Katherine Whitehorn

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Fear dogs us constantly – some people more than others. 

But there is an antidote for fear.

It is trust.

Trust in ourselves.

Trust in a trustworthy friend or family member.

If we’re religious, trust in God or a higher power.

Fear is useless but trust is a great healer.  When we retrain our brain to make trust kick in when fear creeps into our lives, fear has met its match.

The fear of failure, loss, unemployment, rejection, speaking before groups of people, and yes, intimacy — the greatest fear of our generation. 

Hit these fears head on by finding someone to trust.

No ideas?

Start with yourself.

“Fear is useless, what is necessary is trust” – Jesus Christ

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Every August, I retreat to the beaches of New Jersey to vacation and this year will be no exception.

I remember Richard Branson saying “If you are fortunate enough to get a holiday, try not to spend it looking at your smartphone every five minutes. Instead, put business at the back of your mind – but not out of your head. I have been on many holidays where I have heard an exciting idea that has turned into a Virgin business. Keep your eyes peeled for a creative idea”.

In other words, relax, but don’t take the summer off from great ideas.

I will bring a list of things I want to think about in my summer office (the ocean) and will decide which of them I want to commit to doing next year.

The summer is free agency – when you commit to how you want to live the next 12 months – not unlike the way an athlete commits to playing a sport for the year ahead.

I have invented businesses, changed my life’s focus, made personal changes and initiated new challenges all from doing one simple thing – relaxing and keeping my brain on.

If you’re interested in trying this, find your “Jersey shore” and proceed as follows:

1. Before Labor Day is Off-Season.  You’re a free agent.  This is where you say “I want to do this for a living next year” or “I want to do this with a special person for the next 12 months”, etc.
2. After Labor Day is Pre-Season Training Camp.  This is where you start to get the skill sets you need for your next adventure.  Before I started my paid media website, I had to learn how to do a paid website and this started in “pre-season”.
3. Your regular season begins after a six-week Pre-Season during which you work to carrying out the plans you’ve made.
4. Then save time for your Playoffs – when you get to perform at the highest level possible to achieve your goals.

“Use the space and time to reflect on the year so far and plan how to improve in the coming months” – Richard Branson

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“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing”.

That was said by the successful and innovative coach of the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team also known as The Broad Street Bullies.

When I first heard Shero’s wisdom, I knew it was worthy of residing on my smartphone, a refrigerator sticky and on my desk.

Say nothing and become the unwitting victim of everyone else’s opinion or point of view.

Do nothing and watch life from the sidelines.

When our voices remain silent and our actions still, we are nothing.

I’m thinking of a quote in my book about Ted Williams, one of the most prolific hitters in baseball.  Williams hit .406 one year, very few in the history of baseball have ended a complete season with a batting average over .400.

Which means – he failed 6 out of 10 times.  One of the greatest ever, only succeeded 40% of the time.  And in baseball today, if a player “succeeds” 25% of the time, they are called a multimillionaire.

So I’ve concluded it is not the fear of criticism that paralyzes us, it’s the fear of not batting 1.000.

“The only average that counts is batting 1.000 at trying”

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I once heard a family counselor say that sometimes non-family members feel more like family than blood relatives.

He also said every family is dysfunctional – some more than others – so get over it.

For those of us who have witnessed the heartbreak of alcohol or drug addiction and other conditions that lead to heartbroken families, there is no ruder awakening than the realization that no one’s family is perfect.

Here are some secrets to a happier family:

1. Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget.

2. Maintain healthy boundaries or risk losing your soul.

3. Communicate – share stories.

4. Eat a meal together – digital devices off (and that means you, too, mom and dad)

5. Build rituals – pizza nights, movies, sporting events, etc.

6. Communicate directly and openly without shouting

It doesn’t take perfection or total agreement to improve family life.

I met a couple who had two wayward teenagers that almost led them to the brink of divorce.  So they rented a Winnebago, set out on a three week summer tour of the nation’s national parks and expected all hell to break loose in that confined space.

But instead, their relationships improved as they did the one thing they were not able to do in their workaday world – focus on each other.

“I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life” – Maya Angelou

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Often sports is more powerful than who won or who lost.

It teaches us life lessons when we observe how athletes face adversity.

Just five short weeks ago, golfer Phil Mickelson failed in a heartbreaking one-stroke loss to Justin Rose at Merion on no less than Father’s Day.  Just prior to the tournament, the father Phil Mickelson flew across the country to be at his daughter’s 8^th grade graduation.  He played bleary-eyed by the time he jetted back to play golf.

Fast forward to last weekend when Mickelson tees off at the British Open, an event in which he barely contends each year and comes back from a 5 stroke disadvantage to win it all.

Sean Gregory of Time Sports suggested why Michelson is such a fan favorite:  “He’ll pull out a driver when he doesn’t need it, like he did at the 72nd hole during his infamous 2006 U.S. Open collapse at Winged Foot, and cost himself the title. Then he’ll leave the driver out of his bag at Merion, when he absolutely needed it on the 72nd hole, to have any shot of forcing a playoff against Rose”.

In one way, Mickelson is very predictable.

Mickelson’s wife, Amy, is a breast cancer survivor.  In his heart of hearts he knows too well that golf is just another game when compared to the game of life. 

Overcoming adversity is predictable once we believe it.

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Here’s what the tough head of the Major League Baseball Players Association said last week prior to the sport’s All Star Game:

“I look for beauty, meaning and joy.  If I find beauty, meaning and joy, that’s a good day”.

Come again?

This is the players’ union leader who fights for their livelihood and stands up to the Commissioner of Baseball across the bargaining table.

Michael Weiner made headlines by commenting on what he looks for in life because he has an inoperable brain tumor with only months, perhaps weeks, to live.  He made the comments from a wheelchair to which he is now confined.

Adversity has helped Michael Weiner see things the way we should see things in life:

“I get up in the morning and I feel I am going to live each day as it comes.  I don’t take any day for granted.  I don’t take the next morning for granted”.

Imagine if, miraculously, Weiner’s brain tumor could be cured and that he could now apply the wisdom that came to him as a direct result of his disease to living the rest of his life that way.

He cannot.

But most of us are fortunate in that we can.

Michael Weiner’s advice to look for beauty, meaning and joy should not wait one more day for anyone.

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Contrary to popular belief, our failures and fears also contribute to building self-confidence.

Positive self-image is not just about a subliminal pep talk, it’s about how we handle life’s challenges.

A few thoughts:

1. Another person may shake our confidence, but we are in control of whether they succeed at destroying it. 
2. Making positive statements about who we are and what our potential can be is the cure for negativity in our lives from those around us.
3. Inner happiness can only come from within ourselves not from external events, sources, riches or luck.  No one can take away inner contentment with ourselves.
4. Identify negativity around us – and cast it out of the minds as soon as it enters.
5. Banish negative self-talk:  “I can’t do this”, “I’m no good”, “People don’t like me”, “I’ll never be able to accomplish this”.  Self-defeating talk stops growth, healing and becomes our way of life.  Choose a different path.

“Loving ourselves is the most important love relationship” – Martin Padovani, Healing Wounded Relationships

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President Eisenhower said it best when he said, “Let’s never waste a minute thinking about people we don’t like”.

This may be the best advice that is hardly ever taken.

Social media is littered with comments about people who irk each other.

Behind most people we don’t like is their ability to push our buttons.  

Here is some great advice to paste on your refrigerator:

Know yourself:  “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people” – Carl Jung

Keep your eyes wide open:  “Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They’re only powerful when you got your back turned” – Eminem

Know human nature:  “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, creatures motivated by pride and vanity” – Dale Carnegie

Tread carefully:  “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to” – Unknown

Draw the line:  “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”  – Dave Ramsey

And my favorite:

“Don’t push my buttons without reading the manual.” – Inspector Gadget

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Doctors say we pay a great price for worrying.

It leads to anxiety that can make people become physically ill and mentally stressed.

Time to stop worry in its tracks.

Here’s my go-to formula:

1. Do, don’t stew.
2. Try the “magic formula” of Willis Carrier:  “Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen if I can’t solve my problem”.  Prepare yourself to accept the worst – if necessary.  Then calmly try to improve upon the worst, which you have already mentally agreed to accept.  This formula is foolproof.  We just need to use it.
3. Never forget that 99% of that which we worry about will never, ever happen.

There are many things that can help reduce fear and worry, but I find these three gems a way to jumpstart the process when worry begins to get out of control.

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension.  And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it” — George Burns

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I met a charming lady on a flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix recently who shared with me the tribulations of living with a learning disability. 

She was on her way to Arizona to finish work on her doctorate in mental health.

What struck me was that she had to turn her disabilities into accomplishments when she could have easily succumbed to them.

And whom did she credit for this gift of inspiration?

Her father who said “Don’t listen to others, you can overcome anything”.

Dad was the driving force in this woman’s life and while he will not be here to see his daughter fulfill her dream (he passed away five months ago), she attains her goal because he was there for her with the right words of encouragement.

When was the last time we gave such unconditional assurances to those around us so they can believe in themselves and their ability to overcome adversity and achieve success?

Make a short list of people who can be helped by actively believing in them.

Then begin reciting the mantra:  “You can overcome anything”.

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We spend more time at work than we spend at home or enjoying leisure activities and the people we work with are in a sense our extended family.

Often a dysfunctional family where conflict erupts to adversely affect careers and happiness. 

Many times we bring workplace conflict home to our loved ones as an unintended consequence.

It’s time we put conflict at work in its proper place.

1. Search for the hidden agenda that is stimulating the conflict.  Some people live to control, others use work to validate that no idea is good unless it is their idea and often, personal dysfunction (bullying, inappropriate behavior and insulting associates) becomes an issue.
2. Most employers want to distance themselves from conflict at work other than a seminar or two.  They know it is there but do not deal with it.
3. Acquire skills to identify situations that trigger workplace conflict and gain the skills to respond rather than react.  Spend some time with the works of Dale Carnegie for an arsenal of tools that will come in handy for these situations.
4. Avoid arguing because as the master himself, Dale Carnegie said, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
5. Encourage collaborative problem solving and multiple ways of resolving differences.

I once heard a psychologist who wrote a book about careers interviewed on a Philadelphia talk station.  I’ve forgotten her name but I’ll never forget her advice.

Never, ever quit a job you love because of workplace conflict or personal animosity.

Wait for them to quit using strategies like these to deal with the problem along the way. 

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For all the talk we hear of about the benefits of living in the present, we sure endure a lot of focus on the future.

How to be better when we graduate. 

To get the promotion after the next review. 

When we meet the right person for us. 

When our ship finally comes in.

Ironically, the best way to guarantee a brighter future is to not think about the future.

What about today?

What are you learning, not what are you going to do when you graduate.

How to make today your most productive day instead of waiting for an employee review to seek a promotion.

Forget meeting the right person, be the right person.

I confess I live too much in the future and it is not a good place to be.  So change must begin today.

There are no guarantees in the future.  No way to will what we want so badly without first passing through this day. 

Now I see the future as kind of a score at the end of an inning – no baseball player could say I want to win this game 5 to nothing without first playing the game half-inning by half-inning.

The same is true of life and of the fastest way to a brighter future.

“If you desire a glorious future, transform the present” – Patanjali

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One of the hardest things in life is to admit that we made a mistake.

I don’t know why that is, but people will go through amazing lengths to avoid having to say these two words – I’m sorry.

Often, it’s all that is necessary to restart the communication process.  So if you have difficulty choking on those two words, here are some alternative and effective ways:

1. Admit the mistake sincerely and briefly describe what you are specifically sorry for.  Often the person on the receiving end prefers this to the words “I’m sorry” because it is a standup way to say what you’re sorry for.
2. Make it up to the person you’ve hurt or wronged first and when you see the positive response, the words “I’m sorry” may not be so difficult.
3. Say you’re sorry by listening.  Often those we’ve offended simply want to be heard.  Once we make a sincere attempt to hear the other person, the right words will flow.

“An apology is the superglue of life.  It can repair just about anything”  — Lynn Johnston

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For years I taught public speaking to all kinds of people only to learn that they would rather die then get up in front of a group.  (By the way, I have seen research that bears this out – death over public speaking).

I’ve seen students run out of the room in fear and not show up again perfectly content to let the fear of speaking overcome them.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Here are my very best secrets to overcoming the fear of speaking to more than one person at a time:

1. Talk to a group or a large audience the way you talk to one person.
2. Never memorize the message (believe it or not people do this time and time again setting up the very next opportunity to forget what they were going to say).
3. Be yourself not someone else or your image of another good speaker. 
4. Being loud does not make you a good speaker.  Some of the most compelling orators are ones who speak softly.
5. A pause is your best friend.
6. When you forget what you were going to say, recap something you previously said.  If you can’t remember that, say, “I forgot what I was going to say” and presto it returns – try it.
7. Rehearse three times in front of a mirror and keep time on your smartphone.  Each time I do this it comes out different which is great because the fourth and final time is in front of an audience and they don’t know what the first, second or third rehearsals sounded like.
8. Practice a one line open and a one line close.
9. Never overstay your welcome.  I followed a speaker once who had the audience in the palm of his hands until he couldn’t stop talking.  And he should have known better because he was a television personality.  Leave them wanting more.

Red face?  No problem – you’re just being authentic and authenticity is what we all strive for today.

So next time you have an opportunity to do a presentation or a talk, try these “secrets” and let me know how you do.

“You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so.  For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind” – Dale Carnegie

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In school, we learn history, math, social studies and the traditional courses that give us a good education but what we don’t learn is useful information on some of the most important areas of our life.

Marriage and relationships.

How to Succeed.

Human Relations.

And How to Manage Money.

In Post World War II, the nation and the world have become increasingly more prosperous.  We earn more, but make less.

Our salaries are up, but our self-esteem is often down.

We have less vacation time.  More expenses and it sometimes seems as if even when we succeed in our careers, we sometimes fail at life.

Our relationships can be reduced to dinner with the family at a nice restaurant with a spoon, fork and cellphone in our hands.

I like to take a different view of our net worth.

1. We aspire to riches but we should invest in relationships.
2. Doing good for others is worth many times more than the salary that is derived.  Teachers, to cite only one example, are worth their weight in gold many times over.  Wall Street hedge fund managers are worth far less than their over-the-top compensation.
3. Making a difference trumps making a bonus.
4. There is never a good time for giving up the pursuit of your dreams.

To college graduates I like to write:  “It is more important to make a life than to make a living” because it is usually the first time in their four years of education that anyone has told them the truth about what lies ahead.

If we were to list our “financial” assets right next to our “substantial” assets, would we be “rich” or would we be “enriched”?

Take the test today while there is lots of time left.

“The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.”

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Over the weekend, an Asiana Boeing 777 plane crash-landed on the runway at San Francisco airport.  Several people were killed and many others injured.

Shortly afterwards, Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg revealed in a post that she changed her plans at the last minute when returning from Korea in order to earn miles for her family on United.  She was traveling with family and three colleagues from South Korea.

Her United flight landed safely in San Francisco 20 minutes before the Asiana flight crash-landed and burst into flames at the same airport.

Sandberg said she was taking a minute to be thankful after hearing of the disaster that she barely avoided.

We don’t have to wait for a near-tragedy to get the benefits of gratitude:

1. Take a few minutes now to think of people and things we are grateful for
2. Send a “thank you” note, email or text
3. Give someone a hug who needs it
4. Do someone a favor puts words into action
5. And the most challenging way to be grateful:  Say thanks for the bad things in life.  The person who has been mean to you.  The horrible situation you just endured.  For out of bad comes good – always and in all ways.

“A single grateful thought toward heaven is the most perfect prayer” – Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

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One of my readers wrote to say he was discouraged by the bad breaks he has had to endure and that he was giving up.

The Dalai Lama says that life is full of sorrow and that pain is transformational.

It is and out of bad comes good, but what to do in the meantime?  Let’s go to the videotape:

Alexander Graham Bell failed over and over again in his quest to invent what became the telephone.  He advised:  “Sometimes we stare so long at the door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open”.

Walt Disney was a dreamer who had to move heaven and earth (literally) to develop Disneyland and Disney World.  How did he get through it?  “You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you”.

Christopher Reeve was the handsome actor in Superman who became crippled after falling from a horse.  He could have thrown in the towel but this is what he said instead:  “We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate … Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless”.

There is no escaping hard times but hanging on long enough to reap the reward is the key thought to never forget. 

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

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