My friend Tom Taylor pointed me toward the Poet Henry Van Dyke for some really inspirational thoughts (excerpted here) this holiday season:

• “Are you willing to forget what you have done for other people, and to remember what other people have done for you”
• “..to ignore what the world owes you and to think what you owe the world”
• “to see that men and women are just as real as you are, and try to look behind their faces to their hearts, hungry for joy”
• “to close your book of complaints against the management of the universe, and look around you for a place where you can sow a fee seeds of happiness”

And with that, much joy, peace and confidence ahead in the new year – see you after the holidays!

Without a plan, it’s an accident.

Intention to make changes is not a plan.

What does it specifically look like to bring about a long overdue change?

That’s a plan.

If you want to be happier, spend money on experiences rather than things.

Things wear off but experiences can be relived over and over.

Try new things even if it isn’t like you to do so.

They say when you’re worried, get busy and focus on something other than yourself.

And when you’re searching for happiness, look to experiences over things to give you joy.

I was listening to Chaka Khan and Rufus’ song “Tell Me Something Good” the other day.

Imagine if we actually took the title literally in our conversations.

Find something good and share it.

Ask others who are negative, tell me something good.

My friend Wynn Etter instinctively did it.

Even when he was ill with cancer, he’d respond by telling you something good (usually about yourself!) or asking for something positive.

We have a choice.

Life does not have to be negative.

We have that power within us.

The greatest gift costs nothing – not one cent.

Yet it is highly valued.

It is loved by everyone who receives it.

It is always in demand.

It doesn’t need to be gift wrapped.

The greatest gift is the gift of your time.

One of my NYU students practicing his human relations skills in preparation for a great career in the music business, devoted two full hours listening to a friend of his focused directly on his friend’s feelings and concerns.

The result as he told it:  my friend felt great and I did, too, knowing I had the power to give him something he appreciated.

It’s never too late to make a friend or rekindle a lost friendship if they are willing.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born,” said author Anais Nin.

That friendship can be re-born to appreciate a second time what may have been under- valued the first time.

Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift are examples of powerful women who are embracing imperfection.

Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” song says “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem / it’s me, hi, everybody agrees” and she goes on to add “Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby / And I’m a monster”.

Selena Gomez, subject of an Apple TV+ documentary reveals “I get the voice that comes in my head that says you missed this. That sucked, that sucked” after a rehearsal overwhelming her because she wants to do her best.

Music is the soundtrack of our lives — the lyrics say it all.

But there is evidence that people today are able to relate better to pop stars for the very imperfections they exhibit.

In other words, the message for the rest of us may be – our weaknesses may actually be our strengths.

Interesting article that men consider business success more important than friendship.

I see loneliness as a changing human condition following the pandemic that includes the often-dehumanizing effect of digital and social media.

The antidote for loneliness is to be first to break the ice – reach out, start communication, stay focused on the other person, follow up and show interest and concern.

Loneliness is cured by the party willing to be first to reach out.

Nothing is more popular currently than sports betting apps.

Think about it – we bet to win constantly in even minute ways through these sports apps.

We bet to win.

We expect a good outcome.

If we lose, we do it again betting to win and expecting a good outcome.

Aren’t the last three lines above also a great way to face daily life?

I don’t have to get out of bed, just pick up my iPad and the day is ready to go off the rails.

The usual bad news, troublesome emails, reminders of more to do then you thought.

But worse yet especially at holiday time is the negative attitudes of others that they cannot help but share with anyone who will listen.

We become like those around us.

Who gets into our head matters.

I have had many friends in the Dale Carnegie world who handle this dilemma by letting negativity roll off them and offer up something more hopeful in response.

Sometimes it matters to those who need to hear it.

But it always matters to those who can use a negative thought and substitute for a positive one.

My NYU students welcomed Derrick Aroh, RCA Records executive to class last week and what transpired is worth repeating.

Aroh flew from LA to New York City on a redeye, arrived just before class, spent an hour and a half sharing real life stories about the business my students want to be in and at the end they did something remarkable.

At the end of class, and before Aroh headed back to JFK to complete his whirlwind trip, one at a time, five students thanked Aroh in front of the entire class for traveling 3,000 miles to be with them.

But they went one better – each one shared why they were thanking him and each compliment was different.  He soaked up the sincere gratitude because instead of assuming he knew how they felt, they told him.

We have hidden powers within us to make a difference – say how you feel, back it up with an example of why and you will soon discover it.

Ever notice how people apologize unnecessarily for some things and refuse to give a believable apology for others?

“Sorry” because you disagree with someone else is not required.

“Sorry” for interrupting someone is better handled with “no, you go first”.

“Sorry” for letting someone down is better directed at you, for letting yourself down first.

When a serious apology is necessary, stand up and give a sincere apology of your choice without using the word “if” (“If I offended you, I’m sorry) because it is conditional.

Regrets are part of life that are easily fixed by never apologizing for being you and always offering a sincere apology when you have wronged someone.

Anxiety is an acquired habit.

We get it from those around us and from self-doubts within.

It has no limit so when we pile on more, it stresses us more.

And we can attract the anxiety of others just by hearing, seeing or experiencing their troubles.

There is no cure for anxiety overload that doesn’t go through you first.

The brain can be trained to differentiate between real issues that you need to deal with and those of others around you.

Preventing mental health breakdowns is not as important as having a plan of action ready for when they happen.

Every attempt to deal with anxiety, loneliness, loss of confidence, courage and burnout can be another step in preparing a plan of action for the next time.

Face it:  Anxiety isn’t going away any time soon.  But assembling the confidence to deal with its consequences is a more reliable life plan.

Dr. Marisa G. Franco in Platonic:  “Loneliness is more fatal than a poor diet or lack of exercise, as corrosive as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.  Friendship literally saves our lives”.

Even in the age of social media.

Still, it means taking the initiative, reaching out and doing the work.

When we like a social media post how well do we really know a “friends” life beyond “the published, polished version”.

Take action:  make small gestures (“I’m thinking of you”), a funny video, a Pinterest recipe, an encouraging voice note —  things that keep us connected in an “endearing” way.

I tell my students I love them – You should see their faces the first time I say it but in their course evaluations they feed the positives back (“the professor REALLY loves us”).

Friendships are more than a click, an emoji or a glib comment – it’s a bit more work and a little risk taking to share positive feelings, but it works well in the digital age.

I have a student who shared with her class that she is working on smiling more.

Significant because she almost always wears a facemask.

Her progress report:  I have smiled at many people and I don’t know if it made me look friendlier but it made me feel good.

Everything good starts within us.

Being perfect is not a place, it is a destination.

Perfect is an illusion.

Caring is a better goal.

Caring about doing our best, being our best and accepting our best is real.

Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are both forces to be reckoned with and imperfect works in progress.

Both have had mental health issues that they have embraced and fought.

Female stars and for that matter most young people are dealing with the ravages of anxiety in very public ways.

The reason:  social media the home of setting unreachable expectations and fostering the expansion of bullying.

Emily Weinstein and Carrie James coined the term in their book Behind Their Screens: What Teens Are Facing (And Adults are Missing).

Via the New York Times: “They quote girls saying things such as, “On social media everyone seems like they are far better and far ahead than me, which is stressful and makes me feel behind, unwanted and stupid.”

And: “I scroll through my Instagram and see models with perfect bodies and I feel horrible about myself.” For teenagers who are susceptible to insecurity (and one wonders which ones aren’t), Weinstein and James write, “going on social media can activate the ‘dark spiral.’”

Being good enough is being real and accepting not shopping for the impossible as portrayed on social media.

A lot of my NYU students are celebrating Friendsgiving this year instead of Thanksgiving – a holiday adjustment originally conceived by millennials.

Still 80% according to surveys are going to the traditional family gathering, turkey on the table route.

There is a great interest in “chosen family” – people in our lives who are not genetically related but who have earned the right to be considered friend or ‘family’.

A move away from less traditional gatherings – even a totally different menu – would you believe pizza is one item (that sounds good to me!).

However it is celebrated, adding new meaning to an old holiday is often welcomed.

I’ve asked my students before the break to be a force of thanks to other people over the next few days.

To feel the power that they have to make friends and family feel appreciated and to not forget those who are struggling.

And that is thanksgiving no matter what you call it.

“I’ve gotten to the point where the label of ‘best friend’ is so ridiculous. If you have three people in your life that you can trust, you can consider yourself the luckiest person in the whole world.”  ― Selena Gomez