Power off.

There is no other way.

In France they have a law that forbids businesses from emailing work after hours meaning now with all their great French cuisine, you can actually enjoy it.

Power off.

You don’t need to be connected to your children 24 hours a day (and vice versa).  Fact.

There is research that shows if you simply have a cellphone in the room with you, your emotional health will be compromised.

New rules.

When are you available and when are you not?

Social media is fun but it isn’t that social.  It is a tool not a lifestyle.

Where possible don’t tolerate others imposing their out of control texting and surfing on you.  Stop speaking when they divert attention to their devices until it returns to what you were saying.

When you’re off, power off and enjoy the people and world around you in real time 100% focused.

Go to a place like Vermont as I did last year and try to find a cell signal.  After the panic, I learned (at least for the week) how to use my phone at certain times when a signal was available and rest when it wasn’t.

Phones and mobile devices have taken over our lives.  Time to deal with it.

Power off.

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Brenda Barnes, the former CEO of Sara Lee died a few weeks ago at the age of 63.

She became famous by quitting her job at PepsiCo in 1997 because she wanted to spend more time with her three children – and yes, the company tried hard to keep her.

She served on some boards of powerful companies while taking the time to devote to her children.

Then in 2004 she returned to the corporate world full-time at Sarah Lee and rose to CEO a year later.

But in 2010, Brenda Barnes had a stroke that ended her career.

Like mom, her daughter Erin quit her job at Campbell Soup to help her mother.

At Sarah Lee Barnes introduced a program called “Returnships”, temporary jobs for people out of work to fill the gap on their resumes.  The Wall Street Journal quoted Brenda Barnes as saying “They didn’t lose their brains” even though a lot of companies would never hire them.

Brenda Barnes died as a result of a second stroke.

Before she died she said that women couldn’t have it all, they had to pick and choose.

Somehow, it feels like Brenda Barnes had it all.

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Can you remember four years ago?

Where were you?  Who was in your life?  Where were you working?  How were you feeling?  What were your goals and expectations?

Could you have foreseen four years ago where you are today?

Who is in your life – who is new and who has passed away or moved on?

Are you working at the same job in the same place?  If not could you have seen back then where your career would be today?

Your children and family – are they just four years older or in truth have things happened to their world that no one saw coming?

Were you healthy four years ago and experienced health problems today or vice versa?

I returned to New Jersey and bought a house 7 lots away from the one I sold in 2002, survived a familial aneurysm that I had four years ago but didn’t know about until last June.

I lost two of the best friends I ever had.  And expanded my business and taken on new projects I didn’t anticipate four years ago.

Somehow, we are able to look at others and see the futility in getting ahead of our lives – like, “I would never have seen Donald Trump being president four years ago”.  Or, “Hillary Clinton not being president” as everyone predicted.

See the future one day at a time.

That way you have the latest and best intelligence upon which to make decisions.

There is no need to predict the future.

What’s better is to live in the present 100% focused and to constantly review what the joy and bitterness life hands you and the hopes and dreams you have in real time.

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The magic of TED Talks is that they are designed to give the viewer a gift.

Some meaningful gem that will make their ten-minute videos worth the time spent watching.

We are capable of giving those around us a gift every time we are with them.

A sincere compliment with evidence to make it meaningful to take with them – “you are so good at running meetings because you go out of your way to get everyone’s participation”.

A word of encouragement to keep them motivated — “your hard work will be rewarded”.

Some kind of recognition that they are likely not getting elsewhere — “you are putting in long hours on that project”.

In giving we also receive.

It feels good and makes us feel powerful in a positive way.

The person who can give gifts of praise to others also reaps the benefit of knowing how much they can make a difference in a world of distraction where the good in others is often ignored.

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Deny them a voice.

Disconnect from them on social media.

Don’t let them intimate you or change your mind out of fear of rejection.

Be on the lookout that you are not becoming more tolerant of haters.

Change yourself, not the world.  Others will adapt.

Differing is good.

Your Instagram life is fine.

Control the only thing you can control – you will not be a hater.

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1. Cash in an IOU— I’ve done it before (or something like it) so I can do it again.
2. Focus on the benefit not the risk– It’s human nature to automatically assume the worst is going to happen so assume the best outcome – I will succeed – and what that would mean to you.  This is the most important secret of garnering instant courage.
3. Courage is a promise to yourself– Not a superhuman personality trait.  People become more courageous when they say they are going to muster up whatever they need to succeed.
4. The most important words are “I Will” – Not I can’t.  I shouldn’t.  I couldn’t.  I’m not sure.  No.  Just these two words give most people all the courage they will ever need.

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When we give up control, we gain control.

Nothing can dispute this and yet giving up control is the hardest thing for a human to do.

When we stop wanting something else, we’re on the road to being able to enjoy what we have.

Relationships are demolished because of control freaks.  Workplaces become intolerable because there is often little room for independent freedom.

Here’s how to take the first step:

1. Identify something that you are wrestling with and decide if you have the courage to do an experiment.

2. Consciously try NOT to have any control of any aspect of what you have identified.  In other words, succeeding is not getting your way.

3. Step back and be an observer of what is happening as you resist the temptation to give your power of persuasion away.

To be sure, letting go does not mean not caring or advocating about that which we feel passionate.  But it does allow us to see the magic of removing ourselves as an obstacle to an outcome we would never have imagined – an outcome we may very well like.  One thing is for sure, letting go in this context never killed anyone.

Almost ready but not quite?

Decide that when you are with your spouse next weekend that they will decide what to do, where to eat, something new to try – just be curious to see what they come up with.

In the end, letting go not only becomes a great tool in living well with others, it makes you feel good about yourself.

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There are studies that show most people spend half the day thinking about something other than what they are presently doing.

And there is the iPhone mind-wandering study that concludes that people are not as happy when they are not thinking about what they are doing.

The wandering mind is not going to ever make us happy.

Focusing on the present is almost a magic pill because it starts working immediately.

When our mind wanders, we allow negative thoughts to get in – obsessing and ruminating.

To measure how often your mind wanders you can download an app at trackyourhappiness.org.

A few times a day you’ll receive a notice to answer some questions about your experience at that moment.  Over time, you come away with an accurate picture of your life and what prevents you from being happy.

Or, the short course:  focus on the present, discourage mind-wandering and feel happier.

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Studies show that the mere thought of a stressful situation or event is as severe as the actual event itself.

We fear stressful situations even if they never happen to us.

1. Obsessing is a warning sign of stress.  The problem may never happen but obsessing about it is getting too far ahead of solving it.

2. People – especially people close to us or with whom we come in contact daily can easily transfer their anxieties to us.  Stand back if you can and look from afar on who is infecting us with their stress.

3. Focusing on the present is the ultimate stress buster so when you get that anxious feeling be 100% present in the now and it will aid in warding off anticipated stress.

Take control of stress by putting it in its proper place.

Looking ahead is forethought.

Anxiety about the future is fear thought.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Friendships that mean something are not casual hit-and-run relationships.

When we vow to stay in touch, do we?

Is it purely social or is this friendship also emotional?

Are you a part of each other’s lives or an accident of scheduling?

The Chopra Center offers this advice:

1. Practice active listening to truly hear your friends.  Take turns being active listeners.  Being an active listener means that we don’t play “can you top this”.

2. Call your friends to stay connected. Texting and social media is a sanitized way to connect with people you care about.  If a person isn’t worth a call, then perhaps they are not worth having as a friend.

3. Go out of your way to make your friends feel special.  My best friend always – and I mean, always– jotted me a note after we got together even at Denny’s.

Without friends our life is relegated to Outlook, iCal, texting, social media and whatever time we can grab because life can easily get in the way but true friendships are the gifts of life.

Start spreading the love in your own authentic way.

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Can you recommend that your best friend come to work at your company?

If no, what is it about your employer that gives you pause?

Do you know how much you are worth on the market with your skills?

If not, do some research to find out what others with your approximate skills are earning.

If it’s less than you are presently making, ask yourself are you staying put because of the benefits?

If yes, it may be a bad reason considering your personal happiness.

Google has arguably among the best and most over the top benefits for employees and people still leave because benefits are not a good enough reason to postpone being fulfilled.

Have you been given new challenges in the past year?

If not, that will get old real fast.

Are you not looking around because you don’t have the time or because you are afraid?

If you’re afraid, welcome to the club.  We’re all in it.

One of the most compelling thoughts I ran across in the past year was the total uselessness of a company that talks a person into staying after they’ve been given another job offer.

Most of them who opt to pass on that job offer stay for no longer than a year and leave anyway no matter what concessions were offered by their employer.

The same is true with staying in a place that you’ve outgrown.

If you stay for whatever reasons, you’ll eventually go if questions like these are not answered in the affirmative.

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Allowing and accepting negative thoughts can go a long way toward conquering negativity.

Worry and repeated worry intensifies when we try to control negative thoughts.

More helpful …

1. Accept negative thoughts.

2. Standup to them.  Imagine what you would say to someone with your exact same situation.  Whatever you would tell them is what you should do.

3. Nothing is gained by focusing on negative thoughts.  In fact, negativity becomes built into the brain.  It actually changes pathways as documented by MRI’s.

Negative thinking is a part of the human condition.

When it gets out of control and becomes an obsession we cannot seem to break, constantly remind yourself how worrying about your negative thoughts are helping you achieve your goals.

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I’m reading The Power of Off by Nancy Colier who has a lot of good ideas on how to become less dependent on our smartphones (thanks to an article by Jane Brody in The New York Times).

46% of smartphone users say that their devices are something they can’t live without.

Most people now check their smartphones 150 times a day or every six minutes.  I am sure we would deny it.

Colier’s book has a digital detox program which is very timely for parents because we are not helping our children by making them more anti-social and removed from interaction.

1. Differentiate between phone use that is needed such as for work, navigation or letting family members know you are okay vs. what is a habit of responding such as posting and other forms of distraction.

2. New rule:  don’t reach for your phone while eating or spending time with family or friends.

3. Add one thing a day that’s done without the phone.

4. Become very conscious of what is important to you and devote more time and attention to it.

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It was Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling who said:

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

This was first uttered when Rowling was working on Harry Potter, out of money, out of work and recently divorced.

Rowling reiterated this message in a 2008 speech at Harvard.

Rock bottom sure doesn’t feel good, but it IS good.

It means there is nowhere left to fall and all this wonderful space in which to rebound.

In doing research for my book, it amazed me how many people were this close to giving up when they felt they hit rock bottom, but they persisted and endured.

There is nowhere left to go but up.

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Here is a photo of the earth taken from the moon.

When we fly in an airplane even as high as 40,000 feet, we barely see the curvature of the earth let alone the entire earth.

When we are stymied by a problem in life, the closer we are to it, the harder it is to grasp the enormity of it and where it begins and ends.

People used to think the earth was flat essentially because that is all they could see of it.  There were no satellites or explorations that would indicate otherwise.

I find this helpful in dealing with problems.

When you know you have a problem, pull back and take a wider view – the wider yet, the more helpful.  I use this imagery because it helps me focus.

The closer we observe our problems, the more limited our ability is to solve them.

A bitter divorce is a battle of money, lawyers, court, custody and other things from close in, but from further back it is the inability of two people – sometimes because of their families of origin and no fault of their own – to work well together as a unit.

Pull back, observe, recalibrate thinking to take in the bigger picture.

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Psychiatrist, neurologist and author Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning is one of my top 5 favorite books of all time.

It’s deep, about his depressing and abusive incarceration in a World War II concentration camp and yet when I read it on the beach, I came away feeling uplifted.

What did Frankl make of the suffering he went through, how did he survive it and what it all meant when he was freed by Allied troops only to find his new bride had been killed in another concentration camp.

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

That Frankl could find meaning in sacrifice in a cruel world is uplifting to the rest of us wrestling with the ups and downs of our daily lives.

When all else has been taken away and we are in pain, Frankl is saying the freedom to “choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” is the thing that can allow people to overcome their challenges.

Today, can we take what is causing us pain and choose an attitude to give it meaning?

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It’s all here in one sentence:

“The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without measure.”  — Tibetan Proverb

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1. Everything you promise, deliver ahead of schedule.
2. And beyond expectations (which means it is key to get others to talk openly about their expectations and then make a note of it).
3. Be a good listener.
4. Have the heart of a servant.  If you aim to please, you will be a rare person in today’s business world.  If the word servant turned you off just now, you may want to get your ego in check.  Humble people succeed more often than arrogant ones who often have a short shelf-life in companies.
5. Readily give credit to others and back it up with evidence (examples).  People who recognize the work of others are almost indispensable.  Giving credit to others cost you nothing, gets you everything and requires no work at all.
6. Be true to who you are.  If your values do not align with that of your employer, look for work where they do.  Don’t wait for the employer to make the move.

Being smarter than everyone else is not as important as working harder than everyone else, constantly focusing on achievable goals.

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Bad days happen to everyone but the goal should be to end the bad things as soon as you realize they are hurting you.

1. Immediately focus on someone else.  It’s hard to be miserable when your attention is not focused on your problems.

2.  Declare gratitude.  That your spouse is healthy.  That you are hanging in there. That your children are growing up happy.  That a parent or two is still on this earth to be a part of your life.  Talk to a cancer survivor to learn how to be happy even with a disease.

3. Come up with a plan.  People who achieve things and are happier tend to be planners.  If your job continues to make you miserable, don’t ignore the signs, make a plan to find a new job.  Let the irritation drive you to success and happiness.

4. Do something you like to do. Exercise.  Binge on Netflix.  Read.  Be with a friend not to bring them down but to lift them up (see #1 above).

No matter how badly you feel.  No matter how bad things are, there is always hope.

Focus on hope.

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Phones are supposed to be tools that help us with our lives, but they are increasingly becoming our lives.

When you are spending an hour a day on social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or SnapChat, your phone isn’t working for you.

When you can’t put it down without checking it, you are the tool and the phone is your master.

When you clean up email, scan websites and visit social media rather than start a conversation with another person, your life has been hijacked.

When your phone over a family member, friend or associate is so important that it can rivet your attention, you are being robbed of happiness.  Studies prove it if you don’t already know it.

1. Never keep talking when another person turns their attention to their phone instead of what you are saying.  Stop and wait.  If they insist they’re still listening, continue to wait until they can give you the attention you deserve.  Same applies to you.

2. Before cellphones, dinner was uninterrupted by calls and distractions.  Put that same rule back into effect today.  No texting, peeking, chatting or talking on cellphones while eating with the family.

3. Same is true of business lunches.  I sat with a media exec who put not one but two phones on the table while I tried to ask him to support my student labs at USC.  It was so maddening I almost didn’t care anymore.  I just wanted to leave.  He knew I was irked and said “What can I do for you?” and I said “$15,000 for my students”.  He said, “of course”.  And I got the money but never had lunch with him again.

4. Phones are breeding places for anxiety.  When you feel stressed, don’t just put the phone away, turn it off.

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