There are 86 million Millennials between the ages of 18-35 and they our co-workers and even our bosses.

As a college professor, I watched how Millennials interacted with each other to observe the maximum results.

These interactions give clues as to how to relate to this wonderful, kind generation that has grown up on instant gratification and social justice.

Do not confront.  Look for consensus.

Teams, the popular management trend at the moment, are not such a good fit for Millennial workers unless they get to choose the teams and make up the rules. 

It’s about them, not you.  This may be hard to swallow but Millennials are as self-absorbed as Baby Boomers can be authoritative.

They are the same as every other generation when it comes to praise, giving and receiving appreciation, fair play, equal opportunity.  If you have these same characteristics, be yourself.

Be authentic.  Millennials don’t care about age; they care about whether the people they work with are real.  Remember, they fell in love with Bernie Sanders, a 74-year old self-proclaimed socialist because they perceived him as being authentic.

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Never in the history of civilization have there been more anti-depressant pills prescribed for dealing with depression.

Still, depression keeps increasing as a modern day malady of life.

Sometimes medication and therapy work, then meds are changed or therapy refocused.  It can be a life commitment to battle the blues.

No matter what the approach, one thing seems to work when applied frequently.

That is conjuring up and expressing gratitude not only for the big obvious things in life but more importantly, the little things.

When we are focused on gratitude, we are less focused on what makes us unhappy.

Today, we can choose to find the good in people, in our situation and in ourselves as a non-medicinal form of banishing the blues.

And the extra benefit is that once these patterns of found gratitude are repeated over and over, they change the brainwaves that affect our moods.

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Talk about them – not you.

Their interests.

Their input.

It’s not necessary to weigh in with your own reaction to something they are saying as much as it is important to draw them out and let your ears do the work.

Over the ages and continuing today in our connected technological generation, the number one way to get others to like you, is to not talk about “you”.

Talk about them.

And then a miraculous thing almost always happens.

At some point, the other person leans forward and asks about you.

Proving again that you had them at “you”.

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Let’s be honest.

The world is real and although there are a lot of genuinely nice people in it, we also run into backstabbers, the worst and most hurtful kind of person in our lives.

We best a backstabber by …

Building good relationships with those around you.  A backstabber cannot succeed when you have an army of supporters who like and respect you. 

Avoid sentences with “you” which can put backstabbers on the defensive or worse yet the offensive.  Instead start with, “I’m hearing false rumors about me”.

Document the backstabbing.  If trying to talk to the backstabber fails, take it to your supervisor rather than let it threaten your career.

Backstabbing is a form of bullying.  Even if it hurts you, stand up to it.  A bully doesn’t like to be pushed back and they often pick a new victim based on how vulnerable they are. 

Be careful of the person you share weaknesses with because some people can’t wait to use them against you.

“Don’t worry about backstabbers, they’re the people who tried their hardest finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in theirs”.

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• People who sap our confidence often don’t have the accomplishments we have so focus on your existing strengths when others make you feel weak.

• Repeat often today “There is only one of me in the world” and be proud of it.

• Steve Jobs was forced out of his own company but later returned to Apple to gain fame and fortune. Starting today, see every so-called “failure” as a step toward success. This is the single most important thing to me in gaining and maintaining self-confidence.

• Anyone can be confident when things go their way but people who can learn from misfortune can be confident in good times and bad.

• Ted Williams was the greatest hitter in baseball, hitting just over .400 one season – a remarkable feat. I think about this often. Not the over .400 part. The 60% percent of the time that the greatest hitter ever failed.

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Think of trust like this.

Studies of 100 ship sinking’s that killed 100 or more people over the last 100 years shows who gets off the sinking ship first.

The crew.

The captain.

The men.

The women.

And believe it or not the children are left to fend for themselves.

When we book a cruise, how often do we ask if there are enough lifeboats to save everyone?  We trust that there are just as we trust that others will help us off a sinking ship.

The human condition is such that we save ourselves first and while there are a few exceptions, it is only a few.

We have no right depending on others for trust if we don’t first trust ourselves.

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At my mom’s nursing home they had a habit of playing XM 40’s channel before it merged with Sirius.

Many of the residents had cognitive problems they were living with so at lunch and dinner they enjoyed the music of their lives until the news came on.

Back then the 40’s channel would recreate news from the 40’s so when they heard the newscaster say “Adolph Hitler has invaded Russia” they got upset.

The past was not a pleasant memory in this case.

Remembering family events to the best of their ability was a case of the past enhancing the present.

The past and the future are not the “now” where we need to live focused 100% present.

Looking to the future helps us plan.

Looking to the past helps us learn.

Being in the now is the only place we can be happy.

Use the past and future like you would a file.  Open it when needed but be sure to close it and return to what you’re doing in the present.

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One thing an on-air radio and TV personality soon learns if they plan to have a long career in broadcasting is to sound happy.

Imagine if they went on the air after being served a divorce lawsuit and let the audience hear their angst and concern.

The author Harold Kushner always said that happiness is like a butterfly.  The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.  Let it land and enjoy it.

Being happy is about being proactive.

There are two things that help.

1. Assume the virtue of happiness (smile, engage others) even when you have to reach for it.

2. Increase your gratitude.

The little known secret about happiness is that the human brain cannot be unhappy when we are in the act of being grateful for that which we have no matter how small or insignificant. 

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There are two ways to handle hurtful people.

One, try to hurt them as much as they’ve hurt you.

Two, feel sorry for them.

Why turn yourself into the very thing you hate about hurtful people and why not pity them instead?

Think thoughts such as these:

It must be awful to have to ramble on in such a hateful way.

Hurting others makes it harder for them to love and accept you.

If you said what you just said to me into a mirror, you wouldn’t like the way you look.

What happen in your life to make you this mean?

Just the few seconds it takes to show some kind of compassion to people who don’t deserve it, allows you to separate their venom from your heart and mind.

Having compassion for people who hurt us is the first step toward letting it go and enjoying your life.

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As soon as we utter the word “can’t” it’s game over.

No one ever overcomes “can’t”.

Think about it.

“Can” is a better word.

But the best word is “will”.

Will is a statement of intention.

I can’t do the presentation the boss wants goes to I can do it or best yet I WILL do it.

I WILL get that raise or I’ll find a job where I am appreciated.

I WILL be the best parent I can even though my spouse and I are now separated.

I WILL find the person who I have been looking for in life as soon as I find that person in myself. 

“Will” is the weapon to defeat “can’t” which is why we often say “she willed her way to success”.

Today, count the number of times you can replace “can’t with “will” and feel the difference.

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The system is rigged against job seekers.

They are often forced to bid against themselves for work because companies are unwilling to pay fair compensation.

In an answer to wage discrimination against women in Massachusetts, a new law will make it forbidden for applicants to be asked their previous salaries.  This should help in the battle against bidding down hiring salaries.

But how do you know what salary to ask for?

When sports stars go to arbitration, arbitrators generally compare the salaries of other players on other teams with similar skills and production.

This works for the rest of us as well.

Isolate three people who essentially do what you do on the same level of production if you are privy to that information.

Your salary sweet spot is likely to be right in the middle.

It’s not an exact science but one thing is for sure, you will stop undervaluing your salary level when you compare it to others like you.

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There are two kinds of problems.

The first is thing problems which involve salaries, locations, tangible things and circumstances.

The storm blew the roof off our house and now we have to foot the expense of fixing it.

The second is people problems in which feelings and relationships are exposed or hurt.

My wife has breast cancer and is going to have surgery, chemo and radiation treatment. 

If it is possible to be thankful for problems, be thankful for thing problems.

When dealing with people problems things are trickier because there is not necessarily a tangible solution and they drain our emotions.

Knowing the difference between thing problems and people problems helps us deal more effectively with the ups and downs in life.

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There is only one person like me on this planet.

I’ve done it before; I can do it again.

I have no right asking another person to believe in me until I am prepared to believe in myself. 

Even when things don’t work out as planned, I care.

I am proud of my successes (which I have listed one by one in order most recent first on my cellphone that I review every day).

The road to success is paved with examples of failures from which I have learned.

I am the person you want to turn to if you want to succeed. 

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People hate change yet politicians campaign on the promise of change all the time.

Maybe that’s why people hate politicians.

Change is scary.

What every human wants and is willing to support is better.

A better country.

A better product or service.

A better relationship.

We spend so much time trying unsuccessfully to become something that we are not that we might want to try just being a better version of what we are.

A better listener.

A better spouse who is 100% focused on my mate.

A better employee who puts petty politics aside for serving customers.

A better friend who remembers to stay in touch – in person as much as possible.

We can all do better and the difference is noticeable.

But change often requires us to be someone else and that never has a good outcome.

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If this is something you’ve talked about but have given up on because it’s just too impossible, here are two ways that make it possible to cut cellphone usage and return to interacting with others and living 100% in the present.

1)  Download an app called Checky on your mobile device so that it can track how many times a day you checked your phone.   Then, see the average.  Set goals to cut it down.  Let the app be your report card.

2) The app Moment tracks how much you use your phone everyday.  It allows you to set limits.

3)  Check out these apps that prevent you from checking your text messages while driving – AT&T Drive Mode; CellControl.

It’s one thing to complain about living a distracted life, but when it really starts to get to you and you want to make a change, there are tools.

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It’s not so much when your career path requires a change as much as it is something in your personal life says time to move on.

Birthdays.  Especially turning 40 or 50.

When we attend school reunions there are surveys that show job search increases by 16% according to a Harvard Business Review article in September.  It may be that being with others your same age makes you take another look at how far you’ve gone toward career happiness.

Any midlife crisis can prompt a job change review.

But caution:  data shows that 50% of employees who wind up staying in their present jobs and accepting a counter offer are likely to leave anyway within a year.

The best time to consider a job change is when you feel that your best abilities are not being utilized.  When your growth is impeded.  When your dreams are getting away from you.

The best excuse for remaining where you are when these feelings start to emerge is that you need an income, you have a family to support, this is not a good time.

But even the best excuse results in unhappiness that can lead to career turmoil that actually accelerates your fears.

It requires courage to change careers not excuses or counter offers.

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Some parents are handing out cellphones to children as young as four years old.

Children are wired differently than most adults.  They can adapt to digital devices almost as quickly as they get them in their hands.

But should they be getting a cellphone when they are a child?

The average age seems to be ten when the majority of children convince their parents they need a phone.

And parents can overcome any guilt they might have by saying “at least I can know where they are at any time and contact them”.

Baby Boomers laugh at this because they grew up without that connectivity and they would tell you they turned out just fine.

YouTube is the obsession of young people.

They use it the way their parents search Google.  This can be good or it can be bad.

The issue most important considering when buying a cellphone for your child is changing.

Many children are turning inward and becoming so distracted by their phones that they are becoming less able to socialize, an important part in growing up and assimilating with others.

Even putting in place rules that keep children disconnected from actual phone service or real texting can be damaging in this light.

They just stare at their palm and play the games or visit the sites that their parents do allow them to use.

Going forward it is not whether children need a cellphone, it is whether they need to avoid the distractions that are making our modern culture detached, unfeeling and anti-social – until they develop socially — a new and important paradigm, indeed.

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The one thing people regret at the end of life is working too much and not interacting more with the people they love.

But the real world requires sacrifices at various stages of our lives.

Mouths to feed. Dreams to change. Goals to be met.

Let’s be honest. No one hands us a check to pay for expenses for the rest of our lives without having to earn it.

So working long hours is part of getting to where we want to be. It’s not something to be ashamed of unless we have no plan to balance that time in a realistic and doable way.

It’s not the numbers of “quality” hours we spend with loved ones and friends, it is the amount of time we are 100% present in their company, focused on them.

Long hours can be eventually rewarded by rewarding yourself and loved ones with more of that quality time described above.

Allow no one including yourself to make you feel guilty for putting in the hours deemed necessary to advance your career. This only makes life worse for everyone.

While it is almost impossible to have it all, we can have it better.

Better time together.

Better ways to spend the non-working hours.

Better listening skills so that those around us do not think that because we are working elsewhere we do not hear them – the number one need of almost everyone.

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You still have a few choices to protect yourself in a world that is increasingly insensitive to the feelings of others.

Mudslinging used to be reserved for politicians but now there are many victims including children, teens and adults who are bullied through the magic of social media.

Your choices:

• Never let another person record directly onto that “computer chip” we call our brain.  No one gets direct access to our psyche except us.

• Even restrict others from getting into your head with a compliment.  The safest way to accept a heartfelt compliment is to use it as more evidence to back up what you are already telling yourself.  If you’re constantly telling yourself you are a caring loving person then when someone else hands you that compliment, consider it more proof.  But when others get to say things directly to our psyche that we are not already telling ourselves, when they decide to pull it back, we tend to become co-dependent.

• The number one way to deal with hurt feelings is to take five seconds and remind yourself that it must be awful for the person hurling insults at you to have to live with themselves.   A moment of empathy even if it is not deserved, changes the way you respond and allows you to not make it about you.

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Quality time is not measured in hours or minutes but in the number of times you can look into another person’s eyes or listen to them talk to you.

When we push to find more time with children, spouses, partners and even ourselves, we are making a mistake to judge the time successfully by how much time we spend.

Asking a son or daughter if they’d like to go for a walk with you as you leave your cell phone on the table is a start. 

Asking 5 questions in a row to someone else without feeling obliged to also weigh in on it yourself is telling others that you’re focused on them. 

Being able to accurately repeat back what someone has told you is a learnable skill that most people do not have.  Others are delighted to know they have been heard.

Even silence is quality time between two people when they are connected by a common interest or focus.

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