Politicians aren’t the only ones promising change.

Products make the same promise (remember “New Coke”).

When the new boss comes in and promises to shake things up, everyone gets nervous and they hardly ever win the enthusiastic cooperation of others.

When we promise a spouse, or friend that we will change our ways, we are taking on a task that is almost impossible to deliver on.

People want things to be better, not to change.

This means that if we want to be a better parent, we don’t have to turn over a new leaf, we only have to do something better (i.e., be a better listener, non-judgmental).

With our spouses and partners we don’t have to undertake a transformation that will make us this other person we probably don’t even want to be.

Just pick something between the two of you and make it better.

Focusing on being a better person in small but meaningful ways is the transformative change that makes a difference.

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You can’t think yourself into enthusiasm.

It must be an action.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, one of the things that I wanted each student speaker to get was a rousing round of applause after their two-minute talk.

Simply asking audiences to be enthusiastic almost never works.

So I would have them stand on their feet and repeat after me five times: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic” (louder each successive time).

When they took their seats again, the ambience in the room was noisier. And after each one of their classmates finished their talk, an enthusiastic round of applause followed.

This doesn’t just apply in a classroom.

Before I walk into an office for a meeting, I remind myself to act enthusiastic so I’ll be enthusiastic.

Before a speech or presentation, I get up and move around in a physically animated way. I want to be in motion.

When I greet people, they just don’t get a limp hand, they get an up-tempo hello.

It goes even further.

Greet family members with enthusiasm that you physically feel before you’re in their company.

No one can resist an enthusiastic person and all it takes is to remember this mantra: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

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When I get angry I feel out of control, not rationale and not the person I strive to be.

But there are times when anger is appropriate.

• When it is directed at the right person (too often it is hurled at the wrong person).
• When the reason is right – not something else that has been festering inside you.
• When the time is right and not embarrassing or inappropriate.
• When it is measured and not an all out frontal attack on another human being.
• And when you are sharing anger for a substantive reason.

Unbridled anger usually leads to unhappy people, disastrous outcomes and a lost opportunity to properly share passionate feelings.

Strive to communicate anger to others the way you would have them tell it to you.  You know you have succeeded when both parties are still civil.

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One of my friends is kind of irked at parents who arrange a play date for their children and then cancel at the last moment leaving a bunch of kids disappointed.

I feel a sense of obligation to answer all my email, keep my promises and show up for appointments.

Now that we can text and email, no need to even phone with excuses.

The same lack of consideration is evident for parties and events where people either don’t commit until the last moment or don’t show up when they commit.

I’m going to go on being as considerate as I can – so be careful, invite me to your parties and I’ll be there.

For everyone else who does not value the time of others, it’s one strike and you’re out.  Unfortunately we keep giving people the chance to be more considerate with the same disappointing results.

No more invitations.  No more play dates.

Live the life you want to live and set up boundaries for others who fail to value your time and show basic consideration.

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For those times when we need more self-esteem:

• If you’ve earned the right to do, speak, lead or participate in something important, that makes you uniquely qualified.
• Confidence isn’t a feeling.  It’s a commitment.  Kind of like faith and trust.  Every time we talk ourselves down, we have become the enemy.
• Increased confidence cannot be transferred from one person to another (sorry, motivational speakers).  We can be inspired by others but every individual is responsible for the way they feel about themselves and their abilities.
• Even being fallible or failing can be a confidence builder if we can find the positives in our actions (i.e., I worked for one full week on that presentation).
• Add a future promise – the next time I get the chance to do (whatever), I’m going to be even better.

And when you hit it out of the park, take a Confidence IOU.  Write it down, put it on your phone and review your victories daily.

People without great confidence in themselves fixate on perceived failures and easily forget their many successes that can inspire further confidence.

Never forget a success – no matter how small.  They help crowd out negative thinking that ruins self-confidence.

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Social media makes it easier to shame someone without having to actually look them in the eye.

To decide who is too fat, too skinny, too different and then have at them.

Body shaming is another form of hurtful and dangerous bullying because, as with bullying, the victim often eventually believes the criticism.

Here’s a good defense:

• Point out the uniqueness, the beauty and the goodness of people instead of focusing on the physical.
• Even when paying compliments we can inadvertently tie perceived good looks to a value they do not deserve.  My best friend Jimmy Weinraub had it right when he improved on “Your hair is beautiful” replacing it with “Your hair is as beautiful as you are a person”.  Then he would share a quick, authentic example that backed it up — “It was very considerate of you to bring cupcakes for everyone”.
• I love this one – think about and share with others how people’s bodies change over a lifetime as they age.  Tight abs can become a beer belly.  And this applies to everyone including the bully who is hurling shame towards their victims.  Never tie beauty only to physical looks because beauty is an ever-changing thing.
• Everyone pointing a finger at another has three pointing back at them, which means often the things bullies direct at others in hurtful behavior are weaknesses they see in themselves.

Don’t tolerate body shaming — set an example to friends, co-workers and children that it’s what’s inside them that counts.

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It’s what we do with it that counts.

Blow it or put it to work.

That’s a healthy way of looking at adversity.

Almost no one’s successful career got to where it is without turbulence along the way.

Often a bitter divorce leads to a happier future marriage if lessons are learned and appreciation becomes important. But you can’t tell this to a person going through it. Hang on, out of bad comes good.

Bad luck is the new good luck.

Almost no one who wins big lottery jackpots has money left when the payments stop. How can so many people (confirmed through many studies) make so little out of so much? That’s not good luck.

Adversity is certainly not pleasant, but it has its advantages when fate requires you to confront it.

Adversity makes us dig deeper into what’s really important, what we really want, the person we want to be, the kind if people we want in our lives.

When adversity strikes it may just be the thing that strengthens you and paves the way for a more favorable outcome.

Remember that potential favorable outcome as soon as bad things happen and your journey will be less painful.

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Why do we want our doctors to be perfectionists but not us?

We have high standards when our health is on the line.

Maybe that’s why almost every patient that is about to have a procedure says the same thing – “my doctor is the best”.  We never say, “my doctor is not a perfectionist, she just does her best”.

When we spend money on dining, we want the chef to get everything right not half-baked.

If we demand perfection, why doesn’t it work out for us when we try to deliver it?

My father was a perfectionist and I have some of those qualities, too.  They can drive you mad getting OCD over having everything just so.

I really don’t want to change even though I admit it makes me miserable at times.  Okay, a lot of the time.

But I am coming to discover a way of reconciling perfection with a good job.

I think about sports.

No team sends their players in to do their worst.  Okay, maybe the Phillies and 76ers.  But usually, you take to the field, court or ice aiming to be perfect.  Get a hit, score a three-pointer, get a goal.  We want to be our best.

Think of it this way, we play the game seeking perfection but – and this is very important – we judge it by how hard we tried.   That way, our obsession with perfection is not a disease but an admirable trait.

Salvador Dali had it right when he said, “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it”.

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Cliff Zukin, a public policy and political science professor at Rutgers conducted a study that will fascinate you about rude bosses and rude employees.  (The survey covers 605 people in 17 industries).

Rude Behavior By Bosses (in order) …

• Interrupts people
• Is judgmental of those who are different
• Pays little attention to or shows little interest in others opinions.
• Takes the best tasks and leaves the worst for others

Rude Behavior Employee’s Admit To …

• Hibernates into e-gadgets
• Uses jargon even when it excludes others
• Ignores invitations
• Is judgmental of those who are different (same as rude boss behavior above)

Politeness and kind consideration of others is the ticket according to other studies.

Jerks can succeed by being rude and employees can suffer by as well when they exhibit the same behavior.

The most successful people lift people up not run them down.

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Read more: No Time To Be Nice At Work

Sometimes things just get too overwhelming – even the most determined person has their limits.

But before throwing in the towel, take ten seconds to consider these two things:

1. Think of another person who may be disappointed if you give up because that’s a secret reservoir of energy with which to confront constant frustration. Do it for the other people who matter.
2. Remember all the people who have overcome adversity – try to think of one or two specifically – and be mindful of the moments before they almost gave up.

In the end, you wait out adversity; you don’t quit on it no matter how discouraged you are.

It’s not whether.

It’s always when.

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