• Slow down.
• Take time off.
• Live and let live.
• Don’t attempt to convert someone from one religion to another.
• Work for peace.
• Work at a job that offers basic human dignity.
• Don’t hold on to negative feelings.
• Move calmly through life.
• Enjoy arts, books and playfulness.

After he was selected pope, he said smilingly “May God forgive you for what you’ve done”.

What are your top 9 secrets to happiness?

If you’ve never thought about it, start a list right now and feel free to borrow liberally from Pope Francis’ list above.

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It’s not brains.

It’s knowing the difference between fact and assumption.

When we make bad decisions, we are usually basing them on an assumption we have made.  Even the best thinking in the world doesn’t hold up if it’s based on something that is not true.

A fact is something that can be observed and verified.

An assumption is a thing that we accept as true without proof.

Many relationships have been damaged or broken because the parties were not dealing with reality – with is authentic.  Instead, things were said and decisions made based on a belief that could not be proven.

Focus on constantly discerning what is fact and what is assumption.

Most people are quite capable of making great decisions once they can tell the difference between what is real and what they think is real.

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Focus 100% of your attention on the other person.

Most of us are always looking for ways to spend more time with those we love and care about. Often, that time spent is at the expense of other important things and the quality is rushed.

We may think that children want mom and dad to spend more time with them but what they really want is 100% of their parent’s attention.

It’s not surprising we teach our children the wrong things when we’re distracted by business, by phones and by our digital devices.

What prompted me to write this piece is a neighbor who was grilling dinner on the deck while his children were playing. The “chef” had one of those phones attached to his ear and you could hear his business conversation in the next yard.

By the time dinner was done, the steaks (that smelled great) were barbequed but he managed never to interact with his children once. Not a word.

Not pointing fingers. Just saying that whether it’s children, co-workers, spouses or friends, the winning recipe for more quality time is not measured in time spent but in time invested 100% in conversation.

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This is the poignant way Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg described the choice that she had 30 days after the sudden death of her husband Dave Goldberg.

When we lose a loved one, we struggle.

Sandberg’s article is so worth the few minutes it takes to read.

The struggle with loss is always with us – the loss of a loved one who is irreplaceable.  The loss of our careers, marriages, relationships, health and time concern all of us no matter what age.

Goldberg was 47 years old.

Sandberg shared a situation that occurred after her husband’s death that required a father-child activity that he will obviously not be able to make.

So her friend put his arm around her and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

We will always mourn for the first option but expressing our eternal love for someone in real time is the new mission.

Sheryl Sandberg channels a song by Bono, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.”

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Mayo Clinic’s Dr. Amit Sood says that the world is now so fast we find ourselves hurrying even when we’re not late.

Hurry has become a habit.

It’s easy to blame our digital devices but we remain the masters of our digital devices.

This is on us.

If living in the present is our goal – if that is what promises to bring us the most happiness – we are rushing right past the now to what’s next.

The past is a file that you call up, refer to and then click off of.

The future is for planning ahead but we cannot live in the future.

All we have is what’s happening now – good or bad.

To rush past the present is a lost opportunity.

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Robert Hatfield Ellsworth had his own table at Donohue’s steakhouse in Manhattan, a hangout for the rich and famous and not so famous.

When he died recently as the New York Times reported, Ellsworth left $50,000 to each of his two favorite waiters. How’s that’s for a final tip?

But look what one of the waiters said about the art broker’s very generous gift:

“…I’d give back the money tomorrow to have him back because Bob was like a member of the family…”

Even money – lots of it is not as potent a gift than the presence of a kind person.

There are many ways we can show our gratitude in small meaningful ways.

Write a note on the bill of a restaurant.

Tell a person to their face why they are special to you.

Give them the gift of your time in a world where everyone seems to be rushing through living in the present.

Being the fine person you are is the only investment that’s needed to make others happy.

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Turning yourself inside out to make friends is a slippery slope.

Too quickly you may regret the changes that you’ve had to make in the name of friendship and it’s difficult to sustain that which doesn’t come naturally.

When I was divorced, a counselor said to me, spend more time working on the person you want to be not the one you want to meet.

How powerful that was.

And it is true in all kinds of relationships.

Who do you want to be in that friendship?

What kind of a co-worker or boss do you want to be?

What are the four values that guide your happiness (if we don’t know, we should reflect on it)?

And, what four qualities do I like most in others.

When we know where we are going, we have a better chance of getting there.

Meeting nice people starts by being introduced to ourselves first.

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When I don’t worry does that mean I have replaced it with something better?

Worry is a natural reaction to events and actions that make us fearful of losing control.

Once it starts, worry is hard to stop.

And when we worry for years or for a lifetime, it defines us.

So eliminating worry is really not possible without replacing it with something better.

Actually, eliminating worry is fairly doable.

99% of the things we worry about will never happen and the 1% that does is hardly ever exactly what we feared.

Question: looking at it like this, do you think it is a good use of time to worry about things that are likely never to happen as we fear them?

That’s why we should replace worry with something significant, healthy and better for our minds.

The freedom that comes from letting go.

When athletes let go, they play better. When they bear down, they inhibit themselves, slump or underperform.

The antidote for worry should not just be the absence of worry but the newfound freedom that comes from letting go.

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A friend of mine has finally found a relationship that she thinks has long-term potential and yet to hear her talk you would think that she expects the wheels to come off at any time.

Why?

Because that’s what she thinks she deserves.  It’s happened before so she fears it will happen again.

When good things happen, the better response is “I deserve this”.

I’ve earned it.

It changes the wiring in our brain when we initiate positive affirmations instead of negative ones.

What do you think happens to people who say “Something is bound to go wrong”?

It usually does.

But when we say, I deserve my new found good fortune, we pattern our thoughts and as important – our behavior – in a way that produces better outcomes.

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Even though most people know that 99% of the things they constantly worry about will never happen, they continue to pay the toll for fear and worry.

Life is enjoyed when we don’t try to over manage it.

This calls for a new way to look at worry:

• Things that we worry about more often than not turn out to be better than the status quo.
• Very often worry is more about the fear of change than it is what we are specifically worried about.
• For people of faith, putting it in the hands of a higher power is often enough comfort to get them through times of fear and worry.  For others, just giving up control can make a big difference.
• The most effective trigger in dealing with change differently is to consider the high cost you are paying in mental and physical distress.

Concern is forethought.

Worry is fear thought.

Change the way you look at worry and you change your life.

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