I’ve been married more than once so you may want to skip my advice today.

Or, on the other hand you might value the lessons I’ve observed from people who have unusually good marriages.

1. It is not necessary for you and your partner to be the same or agree on everything.  In fact, diversity is the spice of many marriages.  The only thing you need to agree on is shared values.
2. There are no male or female roles.  That world thankfully has ended.  Doing 50% of the everyday work is always the goal.  It doesn’t matter who cooks, mows the lawn or changes the diapers.  If there is relationship work to do, people with great marriages dive in and do it.
3. Pursue a sense of adventure.  Most of life is lived at work or home.  The other element is going on small adventures together.  I’m not talking about a vacation (although that qualifies), but little things like the search for new flowers to plant in front of your house or finding a new place to have a latte.  Or, joining a group together to help others.
4. Encourage do not discourage dreams.  Tomorrow’s reality is today’s dream.  When we lose our ability to keep dreaming together we consign ourselves to a relationship so predictable that is has worn out its usefulness.
5. Work on your marriage as if it were your career.  Few couples do that.  That’s why we keep looking for love in all the wrong places when it is right there in front of us.
6. Formalize the gratitude you have for each other.  Many couples have a hard time with the words “thank you” – perhaps you’ve noticed.  “Thank you” is good but finding a time each day – maybe when you’re grabbing coffee and something to eat in the morning – to tell your mate why you are grateful that they are in your life.  Make it real.  Leave the corn for the cornflakes.
7. See your children as a work of art – a creative process involving their individuality and the positive influence of your relationship together.  Always keep marveling at what the end result will be when you drop them off at college.
8. The road to a good marriage is always under construction.  It is a work in progress and never a final destination.

People leave relationships because others give them the things they wish they had with their partner.

Researchers have determined that the chemical in our brain that keeps us on the high we feel when we first meet our life’s partner never last more than two years.

It doesn’t mean that we can no longer be attracted or in love.

It means we need a Plan B for the rest of our lives together to grow a deeper love.

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Be grateful for someone in your life.

Choose for this to happen.

Do it 5 or 10 times and it becomes a positive state of being.

Focus on the most important aspect of your life – your relationships – not material things.

Be specific.

Name the person.

Remind yourself of the reason why you are grateful for having them in your lives.

You may be a block away from school to pick up your son or daughter.  Why are you grateful to have them in your life this day?  It will change the way you relate to each other when they hop in.

The salesperson who made it possible for you to replace your damaged cellphone for free – it’s not that you managed to get a new phone.  Someone managed to help you get a new phone.  A big difference and something for which to show gratitude.

Your spouse is getting home ahead of you, preparing dinner.  See him or her in vivid terms, hear their voice and say why you are grateful to have them in your life. 

Living a happier life is not one big thing.

It’s many little things.

Everything good that can happen to us in this world starts with being grateful for the people in our lives.

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We all have a great motivation to changing the way we deal with mean people for if we don’t, we can easily become more like them.

Be more compassionate of their faults.

If your ex is hurting you, first say “It must be awful for him or her to have to hurt the people they love”. 

An employer who makes your life miserable because they lie or are insensitive to your needs or input is a person you should pity at the next sign of bad behavior.  Something like – “What a waste – to hate instead of appreciate“.

Or “That SOB that just cut me off almost killed me, let’s hope his family is not in the situation he put me into”. 

Being compassionate to mean people is not condoning it or allowing any kind of abuse to continue.

Taking a second to rise above is the gift you will give yourself to prevent you from retaliating in a similarly mean way. 

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Yoga and meditation are very effective ways to help some people focus on the now.

For many, staying in the present is difficult to do and often they end up spending too much time dwelling on the past or overly concerned about tomorrow.

If you’re like me, you might find this an effective way to focus on the only thing that can bring you happiness – what is happening now.

Think of the past as an old steel file cabinet, the kind that used to be prevalent before we started keeping files on computers.

It’s good to refer back to files from time to time, but not to keep your head buried in them.  When that happens, close the drawer and return to the present.

Looking ahead is invaluable to making good decisions, but If you’re spending too much time in the future, be conscious of the time you spend looking forward to things that may never happen and return to your life at this very moment.

The past and the future are not your life.  What is happening here and now is the only thing that matters.

Avoid the black hole of the past or the never-never land of the future by always returning to the present.

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Successful entrepreneurs are often not very nice people.

Headstrong.

Unwilling to listen to the input of others.

Human relations that make you want to hate them.

And yet they are often so critical to the success of businesses that they are at least tolerated if not adored.

There are lots of stories about Steve Jobs.

His temper, impetuousness, bad manners, sense of entitlement and even lack of consideration.

He routinely parked in the handicapped spot at Apple and drove his California car without a license plate.

But Apple is the great company it is because they do things well.

Customer service, sales, support.

And Apple employees are among the happiest of modern day corporations.

So how do you earn your next promotion?

Be an expert at effective human relations.

See every person as different and you make the key that unlocks their potential.

Give credit rather than take it.

Listen to the ideas of others.

And most importantly, be authentic – the number one quality we should all work on every day.

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Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, interviewed 1,000 children from 4 to 18 years of age and hundreds of teachers and parents for her book about protecting childhood and family relationships in the digital era.

One red flag was children’s ire, sadness and frustration in trying to get their parents away from smartphones, tablets and computers.

You might have thought it would be the other way around – parents complaining about their kids being too digital.

Parents often parcel out screen time to their kid, but they often violate the boundaries that separate work from family.

Put the phone away at dinner – do not answer calls, emails or texts.

Separate from the phone (as hard as that is to do) on a regular basis. 

Charge your phone way off the beaten track to give you and those around you some face time.

Take a one-day holiday from digital activity and give that time to someone you care for.

Your children and loved ones deserve the same addictive focus that your cellphone gets.

If you liked this piece, share it with your friends.  You can keep them coming every day for free when you subscribe.  If you want more resources go to Jerry Del Colliano.com.

Schedule 10 minutes of worry time every day.

It limits your worry and frees your time for living.

When you feel the urge to worry, hold that thought for your next 10-minute daily worry session.  When that tine comes, worry away – have at it.  At the conclusion return to focusing on the present.  Any future worry thoughts are held for the next day.

Most things we worry about never actually happen.

And the ones that do, don’t happen the way we fear they will.

Why hold our lives hostage to worry when we can schedule 10 minutes of worry time every day to deal with whatever is eating at us.

Mark Twain said, “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened”.

Try 10 minute worry sessions and see if they don’t help break the unreasonable fear that ruins our happiness.

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If you have kids and watch their behavior, you’ll notice that they have an innate way to focus on what is right.

They don’t try to improve us.

That’s what we try to do to them.

When you are in the company of a loved one don’t try to improve them.  Accept them as they are.  This is the secret to real friendship.

My best friend never criticized me in any way.  And when he had a point to make, he did so by asking a question.

More families, more friendships and more workplace associations are ruined by our need to improve someone else.

If the need to improve is so great, we can start by looking in the mirror.

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Life is tough because it tends to interrupt our well-intentioned plans to be happier.

A few weeks back, my wife and I attended a one-day Mayo Clinic Stress-Free Living seminar in Scottsdale, AZ.

The author and physician Amit Sood dazzled with so many ways to get to a more meaningful, stress-free life that it left one wondering where to begin.

But here is what Dr. Sood said.

If you do only two things to change your life, do these two:

1. Don’t postpone joy.  Our little and big victories, our happy moments are often squandered because we tend to move on to what’s next before we celebrate what has just happened.
2. Live a life of kindness even if others around you are not kind to you.  There are many benefits to the person who is being kind to others.  Most — not all – of the recipients will show kindness in return.

There is time to become an expert at relieving stress and living the life you really want to live, but to begin take these two steps that make all the difference in the world.

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The undisputable fact is that genetics and circumstances have the most to do with our happiness.

Thanks, mom and dad.  And thanks to your boss who is making life miserable.

The good news is that about 40% of happiness is due to intentional activities.

We can fight back or stack the deck in our favor by taking action.

And the number one way to take action and reap the happiness benefit is to increase our practice of being grateful every day.

Research studies also show that gratitude-based happiness also tends to increase the happiness of those around us as well.

There are so many ways to be more grateful.

Start each day by identifying three people for whom you are grateful even before you get up out of bed.

Or just writing a big “thank you” on the receipt for breakfast, lunch or dinner whether the service is great or not.  I like to include the server’s name with that “thank you”.

We take a lot of pills to improve our mood, but small and deliberate acts of gratitude are accountable for 40% of how we feel.

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