The sure formula for an unhappy person is one who tries to change another.

Think about it – when most people talk about change, they want to change something or someone else.

Their boss, their spouse, their kids, their friends, the system, the world.

The best way to guarantee positive change is to not try to change anyone or everyone and focus on changing yourself.

The way you relate to your boss, how you treat your spouse, new ways to deal with your children, being a better friend before asking someone else to be one, not changing the system just your part in the system.

That’s how you change your world – starting at home with you.

Then, those around you can either adapt or run.

Before you know it, someone else has been motivated to change in a positive way because you went first.

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Don’t wait until your dream comes true to live them.

Waiting for dreams can be dangerous.

Obviously, dreamers can picture in their mind’s eye in palpable ways what it is they are after – a good thing.  The clearer the picture, the better the chance of attaining the goals.

But waiting for that exact right moment will guarantee that you miss many moments in between that could change what you’re after or at least alter it.

On the way to your ultimate dream are a lot of wonderful opportunities to be successful and happy.  You don’t want to pass them by.

Dreaming is often more rewarding than waiting – often in vain – for that one dream to come true.

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Everyone fails.

Some build on that failure and some let it get into their psyche.

Study any successful or happy person and you are likely to see a life of ups and downs – some hurtful and significant — that they have to overcome.

Much has been said about how to overcome obstacles, but nothing works faster or better then this technique used by those who shake it off.

Deal with failure and move on.

We let failure stick around like a bad cologne when the first thing to do is move on.

A sports team in a slump lets failure get into their psyche.  They bear down harder and still can’t turn it around.  Waiting for luck can be a long wait.

To quote the old R&B song “One Monkey Don’t Stop No Show” means one setback should not prevent further progress.

If we’re going to let negative failure thoughts take valuable space up in our heads, we are not going to learn from our mistakes and are likely to get stuck in a bad place.

If we are willing to deal with our difficulties and then – and this is the important part – move on, then we have discovered the secret to overcoming failure faster.

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Picture this.

The past is a file that we can recall whenever we need it.

But, always remember to close that file and return to the present.

The future is about hopes and dreams.  We go there to plan our lives and next moves.

But, if we fail to return to today, those hopes and dreams rarely happen and if they do come to fruition then we’re not in the right place to enjoy them.

Open files and unfinished plans lead us to a life of distraction.

Waiting for a future event like paying off bills, meeting the right mate, or seeing your children off to college can cause us to miss out on all the joy that we experience in between.

Ever notice how anxious we get when we anticipate even wonderful things that could happen in the future.

It isn’t necessary to get everything out of your mind to live in the now.

Just the ability to focus on the one and only life we will ever have – the one that is happening in real time.

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I know a nurse who is the single mother of three children – a nice woman with a big heart and the brashness of being born and bred in New Jersey.

There was a teenage girl sitting in the waiting room of her office – with her feet up on a sofa, a sour puss and lots of whining going on while she was glued to her phone oblivious to those around her.

My friend said that when her kids abused their phones and used them for the wrong purposes or withdrew from social interaction, she would call Verizon and shut their phones off.

I was shocked.  I said, “You didn’t?”.  She said, “Yes I did”.

And the repercussions were crying and more crying until her teens decided that they were going to observe and keep their mother’s rules at which point their Verizon accounts were switched back on.  (Yes, this has happened on and off for many of their teen years).

It’s not kids alone who are abusing their phones but parents who refuse to parent and enforce some guidelines.

That’s great for kids, but what about adults who are far more abusive in digging their phones out of their pockets and handbags.

That’s when we must come up big.

Either give me the same 100% focus you give your cellphone or else, move on and leave them to the lonely world of their own devices.

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Email is not just a presidential election issue.  It is strangling all of us.

Even where we still make phone calls, we then waste time memorializing them in a follow-up email.

Email is killing us and not necessarily making our lives better, richer or more productive.  That’s why those who study sociological trends are already talking about the decline of email.

Because email is consuming lives, what’s the way out?

You can do the math, but I spend hours personally and in my businesses with email.  I easily get 1,000 emails for every one call I get at my office.  So, you can see 30-60 minutes is a fair estimation of time I could get back if only I would – well, take my iPhone and make a call.

The biggest problem is work.

Email is so engrained into the daily operations of businesses that you will have a heck of a time weaning others off.

Some ideas to try starting this morning:

• Write one line emails that say “I will call you” or “Call me” and we can discuss.  Emails do not allow us to read the mood, intention, or personality of others whereas in phone calls we can.

• Avoid leaving long phone messages.  That’s bad and time consuming.  Just, “hey, it’s Jerry – need to talk” and phone number.

• Try not to answer certain emails at all if it is really not necessary.

• Be careful of collaborative sites Iike Slack that allow messaging in teams.  This is very often a time waster.  Email multiplied by X times.

• And for family, spouse, kids – make the call even if your teenage daughter isn’t likely to return it (or listen to it).

Changing time wasting behavior starts with whether we’re willing to try.

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What if you take a gnawing problem – one that keeps coming up again and again – and turn it into the solution.

You do that by making every painful or irritating experience with this problem, a reminder to change the way you think about it by embracing a solution.

Therefore, by using every reoccurrence of a problem as a reminder to change the one thing you have control over – you – the solution actually becomes a product or the problem.

I know a person who has been suffering from muscular pain that no medication or painkiller can adequately control.  So when he feels the tightening, he uses each episode to conduct muscle relaxation exercises right then and there.  This retrains the pathways in the brain to do in real time something that doesn’t ameliorate the pain for now but reduces it over time by retraining his brain.

The problem does more than cause pain, it reminds him to do something about it.

And it is working!

So if you have a boss that is unreasonable, let every example of that behavior remind you to be more reasonable with others.  You’ll be giving yourself a gift not a curse.

If a friend or family member is being unfair to you, make every insult or demand an occasion for you to let go of the bad feelings that person is generating.

We’ve spent a lot of time in our lives learning how to stand up to life’s problems, but the one that gets the quickest results makes each occurrence of the problem a reminder to change your behavior every time it crops up.

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Whenever we question how much confidence we really have, we should ask ourselves one question:

If I don’t believe in me, how can I ask someone else to?

Often we have it the other way around.

We expect others to believe in us, support us, trust us before we actually do it first.

If you want to believe in yourself, you can’t outsource it to others.

It starts with us.

Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue if you have it not”.

I find this quote very empowering and there is hardly a week that I don’t find myself repeating it.  Maybe it will work for you the same way.

You must believe in yourself first and always.

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It is more important to make a life than a living.

That’s why when a survey of people in hospice nearing death were asked what they regretted most, the one thing that wasn’t on their list was more time working.

They regretted not spending more time with friends and family.

In retrospect they wished they did the things they always dreamed of doing.

Is there a person you can contact — a friend, family member or associate – who needs to hear the words “It is more important to make a life than a living”?

I remind my children and myself.

This does not mean, don’t work, don’t succeed, don’t make money.

Just that there is more to life than making money.

Studies repeatedly show that after covering expenses and needs, most people do not get incrementally happier as their income goes up.

Believe it or not, the average income for a couple in the U.S. is about $70,000 a year.  When the survey tracked happiness and income, happiness did not go up appreciably with higher income.  In fact, it went down.

So work hard.

Make money.

But most importantly make a life.

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I live in two places and have a list of contractors and sources that make that possible. My list represents the best people I have met.

This got me to thinking – what would an “Angie’s List” of friends look like.

Who is the best person for advice?

Who is the best listener?

Best with money and financial?

Who is the most fun to be with?

Who is best at always being there for me?

Who is best to help in an emergency?

Things like that.

This could get interesting.

For the things that matter most, do we show enough appreciation for friends like these?

And what if you have friends – even spend lots of time with them – and they don’t fall in any meaningful category that you hold important?

Perhaps you might want to spend more time with the people you value most.

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Sometimes we’re more than anxious to start the day happy until we arrive at work and get enveloped in the negativity that often exists there.

They can also rob you of your productivity and seriously affect your work mojo.

You can be virtually immune to negativity at work as long as you resist being affected by it.

• Downers speak and act in a negative way.  By contrast, you can choose to be positive and enthusiastic.

• Take control of what you will allow to play over and over again in your head.  That is, no one gets to go directly into your head and chip away at your confidence.

• Turn the negative stuff into opportunities to do something positive.  Take a leadership role in showing respect for other points of view and trying to see things as they do.

• For those who are just plain negative people, always be aware that positivity trumps negativity every time.

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My wife and I sat next to a mother and her teenage daughter at what was a “happy birthday” dinner in New York City and the two – both mom and daughter – kept checking their phones all through the meal.

At some points, both were on their phones at the same time.  At other times, mom would sit silently while daughter checked her phone for a minute or more or the other way around.

This is insanity.

It’s not the amount of time we spend with others.  It’s whether we are 100% present in the now for the time we spend.

That means without distractions.

With digital devices stowed.

Ears on, mouth off.

There will be no more guilt about not spending enough time with people we care about.

Treat them with the same attention you would give a cellphone.

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If it’s on the Internet or at a social media site, what you post is being increasingly used against you by potential employers.

The first generation of social media – largely Millennials – is willing to turn a blind eye toward this kind of cyber scrutiny.

Some got a little antsy and alter their public names and private names but one thing is certain, social media now makes it easy for potential employers to spy on job applicants.

From now on, managing social media in a career-friendly way is on us.

Having a private account and a different public account is no longer enough.

Be mindful that everything on the Internet or in social media can be used against you.

This will likely diminish the fun of being social but it will increase the chance of getting a full chance at being hired for the job you really want.

And this does not just apply to Millennials.

Employers are on it and able to spy on – or as they might put it “research” potential employees and new employees because they’re using the Internet smarter than their applicants.

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The gift that everyone craves is not money.

Not an iPhone.

Okay, maybe an iPhone but there is still something greater.

Perhaps you’ve heard about TED Talks.

The success of TED Talks, those 10-minute video presentations that have grown in popularity over the years is due to a special mission:  give your audience a gift.

The possibilities are endless.

When you speak to someone, think of giving them a gift – something they can take away that will make them feel enlightened, good about themselves or hopeful.

When you’re at Thanksgiving dinner, make the gift a public expression of gratitude to the person who prepared the feast.

With children, make the gift of you being in the now 100% focused on the relationship between the two of you.

For yourself, the gift of solitude to think, or a kind word for one of your many strengths.

But when people say that they don’t like speaking before groups or leading presentations at work, think of giving your audience a gift.

It makes some of your butterflies fly in formation.

The gift that keeps on giving is an attitude of offering to others something special from you.

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For all the talk about empowerment, we often miss the most obvious and best way.

Make people feel something.

We are living in a time numbed by our social media and digital devices where we are struggling to have feelings.

If you’re selling something, make the audience or buyer feel something positive after hearing your pitch. If you can’t identify in a few words what that positive feeling is, they sure can’t.

For families struggling to be closer, identify a feeling and focus on it. If that feeling is, say, safety together work every day to make free expression of thoughts and actions something that is safe to be discussed among family.

If teamwork is more of a name than a solution at work, empower others you work with to feel free to create, contribute and respond. Often the best teamwork comes at brainstorming sessions but once it breaks up, the benefits are lost.

We all have the capability to make others feel something and that is the secret to empowerment.

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Ban the word, leave the “t” off “can’t” to get to “can” and remove the self-destructive word “can’t” from your vocabulary as a first step.

All day today, catch yourself when “can’t” slips out.

Would you hire a person who uses the word “can’t”?

Would you choose to pursue a relationship with a person who says “can’t” instead of “can” and “will”?

Would you want your children and those you influence to hear you start with “can’t” before you even try?

Two very useful words that easily replace “can’t” is “I’ll try”.

Make “I’ll try” the new “can’t” and stop shooting yourself in the foot before you can prove just how effective your potential really is.

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Smartphones and social media are making lonely people lonelier.

They are promoting a culture in which people are hooked on their digital devices for fear of missing out on something.

The phone is the new security blanket – college students of mine saying they feel empty without a phone in their hand.

These great tools are turning children into robots even before robots take over the earth – as some predict and making adults numb to living in the now which is where all life takes place.

Phones are tools, not substitutes for things that are missing in life.

Rule 1:  When in the presence of another human being, turn the phone off or don’t take it out until you are alone.  Even when you are alone, return to the real world and remain in it as long as possible interacting, thinking, appreciating.

Rule 2:  The phone and digital devices are not cheap babysitters.  Even Steve Jobs, arguably the one who started this revolution wouldn’t let his kids have unlimited access to their screens – and they were teens!

Rule 3:  When in the company of a smartphone abuser, remain silent until they either give you 100% of their attention in the now or put their phones away.

Rule 4:  The phone and digital devices are tools but they have become an addiction and should be treated the same way any other addiction is treated.  If you are losing moments in life, you may have to quit to recover.

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Confidence is among the most fragile things we possess.

When things are going great, confidence comes easy.

When things are going poorly, it is almost impossible to muster.

Confidence is manufactured in the brain even before we need it.

The more we think positively about our abilities, the more our actual pathways in the brain physically change.

Confidence is perishable so use it daily or lose it when you need it most.

Confidence comes from how many times we actually believe in ourselves.

Confidence does not get bigger as challenges get bigger, even small things build big confidence.

When things get rough, waiting for them to get better is not as quick or effective as reviewing in your mind the specific ways you’ve believed in yourself.

If someone sees you’re lacking and tries to diminish your confidence further, cut off that communication immediately and return to seeing yourself in a positive way.

Confidence can even grow when things go sour if we see adversity as a step toward our next success.

Confidence is best controlled by us and not outsourced to others.

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Sometimes it takes no more than a well-written song to help me start my day such as “Take It Easy” performed by The Eagles and written by Jackson Browne and Glenn Frey.

“Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy”

“Lighten up while you still can

Don’t even try to understand

Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy”

“We may lose and we may win, though we will never be here again”

Sometimes our intensity makes us stressed.

Lighten up and let go of the things that are dragging us down.

No matter how good or bad our day, we can never hit restart so make the best of it.

Once a dj, always a dj I guess.  No wonder music makes us happy.

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Don’t you just love it when people tell you that they are stressed out and therefore they can’t do this or that?

A big cause of stress is others who constantly say they are stressed.

Welcome to everyone’s world, but when those close to us or those who spend a lot of time with us, say, at work keep playing the stress card, it causes stress for us as well.

There is a certain sense of responsibility some people feel when they are told that the person they are dealing with is stressed out.

Does it mean, back off of the topic or demand?

Is it code for I can’t deal with what you’re saying or asking of me?

Stress is a part of modern life that didn’t exist in exactly the same form decades ago for our parents and grandparents.  Life was slower then but still, there were worries and pressures.

There are two important keys to reducing stress.

One, ease up when you start to feel stressed.

Two, refuse to let other people hand off their stressed feelings to you by playing the “I’m stressed” card.

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