Today show someone that you care.

Show them your humanity.

Get the focus off of you and project it on the needs of others.

Our world is so self-absorbed for many reasons but unfortunately getting what we want does not bring us happiness.

It’s actually the other way around.

Helping others get what they want always brings us happiness.

Help someone pay a bill.

Help someone get what they want while you temporarily pass up an opportunity to have it your way.

Give the gift of your time to someone else even if you’re stressed and have little time to give.

Lift someone else out of depression or a bad mood by being positive and do it by not mentioning the word “I” once.

Listen to someone else’s story without having to then tell one of your own.

Let someone have your way (after all, that’s my definition of diplomacy).

Because when we give away our power even when we don’t feel like it, we are almost always happy we did it.

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Some of us just cannot concentrate on the positive long enough to leave toxic negative thoughts behind.

Ask anyone about their job and you are likely to hear more of what is wrong than what is right.

But here is a very effective way to deal with your faults – real and perceived.

Consider your three biggest faults and make a note of them.

Then, work to eliminate them as many times as you can in a day.

For example, say you want to stop interrupting people, want to be a better friend and not criticize others too much.

Being mindful of these faults, count the number of times in a day that you interrupted someone.  If it is three today and one tomorrow, you can feel the progress.

Want to be a better friend?  Count the number of times in a day that you did things a friend would do – reach out, listen, care.  If at the end of the day that number is zero, then progress has not been made.  But if you texted a friend, spent time listening to their problems, initiated getting together face to face, then you have three successes.

If you hate that you’re so critical of others, count how many times you have been critical of someone else in a given day.  If it was five yesterday and three today, you’re making progress.

People don’t automatically change, or improve or re-invent themselves.

But we do make choices that matter every minute of the day.

To count the progress in a tangible way like this, encourages you to stick to a plan that helps you battle your faults.

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New statistics indicate that the average time spent on Facebook, Instagram and/or Facebook Messenger each day is almost an hour (50 minutes).

That’s almost as much as we spend eating.

Far more than the average person exercising.

Competitive with TV time (over two hours), which skews higher for older people and less for 28-34 year olds.

And Facebook is trying to come up ways to increase the average time people spend on Facebook.

As we become more buried in our screens, something has to be done.

And here it is.

For every minute you spend on Facebook products described above, make sure you spend at least that amount of time being present in real conversations with others.

It’s easy for us to increase our obsessive addiction to social media but it is not fruitful.

So use social media all you like, but balance it off with face-to-face contact with people where you are there in the present and without a mobile device nearby.

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The political pundits were wrong about Donald Trump.

Prognosticator Nate Silver gave him odds that were “higher than 0 but (considerably) less than 20 percent.”

Even Las Vegas bookmakers can’t call the winner of a sporting event all the time.

And I sat on a New Jersey beach last year with a weather radar app on my phone  as a wicked thunderstorm headed right toward me.  By the time I packed my things up, the storm passed to the north although the app showed it hitting us square on.

My point – Never rely on anyone else to tell you the outcome of your life’s story.

When anyone says you can’t – your response should be “watch me”.

In a world fixated on metrics, even Billy Bean can’t win the World Series studying statistics.

Let today be the day when you replace “can’t” with “can” because no one knows it for sure but you.

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“Whether you think you can or you can’t – either way, you’re right” – Henry Ford.

That’s why Napoleon Hill said you can achieve what the mind can conceive and believe.

On the other hand, you can fail because you don’t believe in yourself or your ideas.

It’s not on someone else – it’s on us.

Do we instill in our children the default setting that if you think you can, you most likely can?

Do we practice this ourselves?

When working in toxic workplaces (and many people do in the current economy), are you a sponge soaking up the negativity of those around you or do you believe that once you set your mind to something, you will achieve it – even for bosses who are incompetent on workplaces that are negative.

Back to Henry Ford’s quote.

I have it on my desk where I can see it every day.

Why tie your own hands behind your back when you can free yourself to achieve that which you want to accomplish.

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If you’re like most of us, you’ve tried many things to combat letting fear take ahold of your life.

Here’s an approach you may like because it demystifies fear and worry.

Say you have the fear of being fired or getting a disease that other families members had or fear a broken relationship – think of all the ways these things can happen attacking one issue at a time and what the likely downside would be.

Fear of being fired –  could be out of work a while, financial problems, tighten your belt.

Fear of getting a hereditary disease — it could adversely affect your health temporarily or permanently.

Broken relationship?  Loneliness, embarrassment, discouragement.

There it is – right out there.  No mysterious things lurking in your mind.

Now think of all the things that could happen that may be fortunate or unexpectedly welcomed on the same issue(s).

You could change careers, find a better job, earn more money, be happier.

That family condition might be a temporary challenge that launches you into seeking fitness and even better health.

And for every broken relationship there is an eventual next chance to be the person you want to be and find the best fit for you.

The trick is to confront both the worst-case scenarios and the best-case scenarios not just let them lurk in the shadows of your mind.

Because fear is an unpleasant emotion, it is not an accurate predictor of your future and knowing that can make all the difference.

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There is only one word that can conquer poor self-esteem.

Affirmation.

Saying to yourself what others may not ever say.

I have friends in the entertainment business who can master an audience but feel remarkably insecure about themselves.

You’d think it would be the other way around.

A few thoughts …

Be comfortable in your own shoes.

Think of yourself as a canvas – would you want someone else to paint on your canvas?

Affirm your uniqueness.  Imitating someone else can at the most make you only second best.

And most importantly, do not look to others —  even close friends and family – to affirm who and what you are.

When we let others gain that much control, we often become co-dependent to them.

Never outsource the stuff that solid self-esteem is made of to someone else.

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The best advice ever is NO advice at all.

People don’t want to hear what we would do or how we would solve their problems, they want something else.

Something that advice doesn’t give them.

Inspiration.

Whenever I think rightly or wrongly that anyone wants my advice, I always joke “well, it’s worth exactly what you’re paying for it – nothing”.

All of us want inspiration.

Words that say we can make the right decision.

Words that inspire people to action.

Consolation.

An ear and not a mouth.

My best friend Jim Weinraub always listened, asked questions and inspired confidence that, no matter what, I would be able to deal with the challenges in my life.

Think about it.

Psychologist’s offices are filled with people like us who just want to be heard and encouraged.  They do the least amount of talking.  We do the most.

When someone needs us, give them a healthy dose of inspiration not advice.

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Teaching a classroom of adults about human relations, I asked everyone to write down their 3 biggest problems on a card and put them on a table in front of the room.

They were asked NOT to write their names on the card – only their three biggest problems at that time.

Then I invited everyone in the audience to come forward and randomly pick up a card that was not their own and return to their seats.

They read the three biggest problems of some random person on the cards.

Cancer.

Divorce.

Unemployment.

Family strife.

And worse.

Then I asked the group, “How many of you would like to have your own problems back again?”

As long as I have been doing this exercise, not one person ever wanted to trade their troubles for someone else’s.

The other day when I was struggling with a problem of my own, my wife reminded me of these cards and she said “Remember, you will want you own problems back again”.

The secret to dealing with life’s challenges is knowing that we are uniquely qualified to be the one to deal with them.

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What you don’t know is about the only thing that can hurt you.

It’s what we ruminate about – the thing that for us makes us the most anxious and fearful.

Even though it has been proven that our scariest fears rarely if ever come true.

So overcoming fear is a lesson in first learning what scares you the most.

If you fear being alone, the potential breakup of a relationship can drive you beyond crazy.

If you worry about money, any threat that even remotely has to do with money will own you. 

If you are scared of losing your job either for financial reasons or for the damage it would do to your self-esteem (or both), you will likely not need much to happen at work that would trip you off.

The revelation is that we humans tend to worry about what we’re already worried about either from our families of origin or from life’s experience.

There are endless techniques to deal with worry.

My favorite is to constantly remind myself that the chance of what I fear actually happening is miniscule.

But fears grow in the fertile places of our mind.

Confront the one or two issues that causes us the most anxiety and we can prevent a lot of stress and unhappiness.

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You’ve heard that we are what we eat.

But we also are what we think.

Few negative people see themselves as being negative.

When someone says can’t, do you say can?

I do not think the Pollyanna approach to positivity works for very long.

I prefer a more effective approach – and one that you can take for a test drive this very day—is to vow to balance every negative thought with a verifiable positive thought.

Whether the thought emanates from your mind or from the mouths of others.

Let’s try it now.

You’re always late is balanced with I’m always there for people when they need me (and I have a recent example to prove it).

I always put things off is replaced by Here’s something that I did before it was needed (with an example).

It’s always about you is balanced with Here’s the last time I put someone else’s needs and desires ahead of mine. 

Does one of these negative thoughts come to mind? 

This balancing process is private – not to be shared with others.

They are meant to balance off negative thoughts with actual positive thoughts – the one’s most of us forget while we are busy criticizing ourselves.

And it doesn’t mean that we can’t be even better.

How does it feel after a day of counterbalancing what’s wrong with what’s right?

It makes you feel good about yourself.

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I love the Warren Buffett quote:

“You can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant”

Our world is filled with anxiety.

Impatience.

The desire to get all that we want exactly when we want it.

Maybe it’s the other way around.

Spend more time on finding out what is worth having, dig and get prepared to do whatever it takes, however long it takes to make it happen.

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Google is one of the most desirable places for young people to work.

They have almost every benefit from free food, dry cleaning, child care and health care but they have one thing money can’t buy.

A day to work on anything you want.

One day a week, Google employees can choose to work on any project they like without having it pre-approved by management.

It’s difficult to see how most companies can match this offer but for those of us who are self-employed and seemingly have more control over how our time is used, what’s our excuse?

I’m not here to reinvent the workplace but I am interested in fostering our creativity and enhancing our lives.

Do you have a day when you can follow your individual pursuits?  Okay, how about half a day or an hour.

When I was on-the-air I remember a stretch where I worked a shift virtually every day for months – seven days a week.  Some days, two shifts.  Until finally I had to threaten to quit to get a much needed day off.

Now, to the extent possible, try to consciously do something different at least one day a week or if that’s not possible for a good chunk of time.

Even a Saturday or Sunday.

Google is still one of the most productive companies in the world.  Their workforce is envied.

Maybe they know something that we should integrate into our lives about productivity and creativity.

A day when you go exploring can payoff in countless ways.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.

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Get the facts.

Analyze the facts.

Come up with an action plan.

Too many of the decisions we regret are made because we are thinking with our hearts and not with our heads.

We’re being overly emotional.

Or we’re basing decisions on assumptions that are incorrect.

The best decisions come when we get the facts first and then spend some time analyzing them.

The action step that follows will have a better chance of being fruitful than agonizing over problems that are misperceived.

As a Dale Carnegie instructor I suggested that if you wanted to change the way you make decisions and could only do one thing, this would be that one thing.

Get the problem right by stating it out loud.

It you think about it, we wind up solving the wrong problems, dealing with the wrong issues because we don’t take the time to define the problem properly.

Before this day ends, you will likely have the opportunity to make a significant decision about something personal, career or dealing with other people.

Try this – think about the real problem and then say it out loud.

If you can do that you are well on your way to making better decisions.

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When we eat in a restaurant, we trust the chef to cook a tasty and healthy meal for us.

When we fly, we trust the pilot to get us safely to our destination.

And when we have surgery, we trust the physician to do no harm and deliver a favorable outcome.

Yet we have a hard time trusting others – people we work with, family members, partners.

And yet we know that the best way to gain control is to give up control.

So what’s the hang up?

Cultivating an attitude of adventure that makes something inside of us say, I do not feel like influencing a decision right now.

I have a friend who, when he tries a new restaurant asks the server “What is the best thing on the menu?”

One they tell him, he hands the menu back and says, “I’ll have that”.

He is rarely disappointed even if he might have preferred another meal.

The reason most people are obsessive about control is because we do not cultivate the spirit of adventure that helps us enjoy being surprised.

And those around us enjoy being trusted.

Save control for the big issues that matter most where you want to get the facts and analyze the facts.

For everything else, cultivate a sense of consciously giving up having it your way and watch how happy you are and how surprised and pleased those around you are when they are trusted.

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Ed Snider, the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers National Hockey League team and wealthy entrepreneur, was always called “Mr. Snider” – not Ed.

He always asked people to call him Ed, but they never did.

Because they had too much respect for him.

How many people do you know who are referred to as “Mister” these days?

Snider was a tough negotiator, hard-nose businessman and after all, the founder of the “Broad Street Bullies”.

But underneath it all, Mr. Snider (as even the fans often called him), was a good guy who treated his players like family.

Bob Clarke, the captain of The Flyers two Stanley Cup teams and a man who Snider often said was like a son to him, joked that Mr. Snider treated him better than his own children because he never had to discipline him.

Snider gave Clarke a lifetime contract with the Flyers for as long as he wanted it – and he kept his word even when Clarke left the team and returned.

He would help former players who were in financial trouble with generosity that is uncommon among owners of sports franchises.

He gave them jobs with the organization.  Helped their families.  Was there in time of illness and tragedy.

Recently Ed Snider died after a long battle with cancer.

He may not be remembered years from today for building a sports dynasty but he will almost certainly not be forgotten by the people who worked for him that he treated like family.

To earn more respect from others, you don’t have to demand it.

Just treat them like one of your own.

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I attended a seminar in Phoenix a few years back by Dr. Amit Sood, a Mayo Clinic physician and author of the book Stress-Free Living. 

He jolted everyone when as one of his helpful suggestions he said “don’t postpone joy”.

I sat there guilty as charged.

Perhaps you’re like me.  And it’s not that I’m not grateful for the good things (and sometimes even bad) that happen.

It’s that I tend not to take anytime celebrating the good things that happen – even the little things.

I just move on to whatever challenge is next.

So here’s the fix.

When you do something good – or great or even when you step up and confront a problem.  Celebrate it.

Here’s a few ways:

• Tell someone about it.

• Take time to congratulate and reward yourself.

• Credit others who may have helped you achieve joy.  If you go for a walk with your child without cellphones and talk and find yourselves laughing and having a good time, thank that person for the laughs you had together.

• Look for opportunities to become aware of the joyful things that happen in your life.

Too frequently we humans are better at agonizing over perceived problems, which makes us postpone joy.

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Marilyn Sorensen, PhD and author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem helps us differentiate between guilt and shame.

“Unlike guilt which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong”.

Father Martin Padovani Healing Wounded Emotions says:

“There is healthy shame that we all need – that we are worthwhile persons with boundaries and limitations.  The ‘shamed” and the ‘shameless” are unfortunately present in epidemic proportions in society.”

Shame kills self-esteem.

Love kills shame.

Shame is the killer of our spirit and makes us a slave to comments from others that eventually can control our self-esteem.

The most effective ways to deal with shame:

• Accept your faults only as long as you can name an equal number of good virtues giving thanks for the good things to balance the ledger.

• Avoid being co-dependent to another person (i.e., don’t rely on them to validate you).

• No one must ever get your permission to act in an abusive way.

• Self-love is the antidote for shame.  The more you cultivate and appreciate the fine person you are – faults and all – the less likely you will become a victim of living with the debilitating residue of shame.

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Not “me”.

Not “I”.

It’s “you”.

When we talk in terms of another’s interests, they are drawn to us especially in a self-absorbed world.

The best way to cure yourself of self-absorption is to ban the use of the words “I” and “me” from your vocabulary for a week or so and see if you like the response.

But say “you” a lot because the one sure way to make people feel kindly towards you is when your focus is on them, not yourself.

Ask them about themselves.

Don’t feel obliged to weigh in on everything with a me, to a follow up comment.

I realize that we live in an age of self-absorption but it makes the person who can focus on “you” even more impressive.

Rest “me” and “I”.

Try “you”

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I don’t know how to put this delicately, but The Huffington Post the other day featured a story about the increase in people having sex with their phones in their hands.

Wait one minute.

According to the article (which you’ll notice I read, by the way), the sound of a text message is often more alluring than – well, you get the point.

We are entering an age when our cellphones and digital screens are killing relationships.

Social media is fun but not a substitute for living in real time with other people.

Here is some of the best cellphone advice I have gathered that is becoming more relevant every day.

• Never at dinner – phones should be out of sight where they cannot be heard.

• I’m hearing doctors say that for a better night’s sleep don’t look at a screen within at least an hour before bedtime.

• You’re not going to listen to this one but it is becoming popular advice: don’t put your phone on the table next to your bed.

• Go for walks with phones off – powered down.

• Look for reasons to call, not text. We text too much. Texting is good for some things but not a replacement for the warmth of a human voice.

• My favorite and most difficult: consciously try to find a way to use your phone less.

I’m not giving up my phone. I like it. Okay, I love it. But I am not about to let my phone become my life.

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