The past is a file.

You should open up, consult it and put it away. Too many open files distract us from living in the present.

The future is about hopes and dreams.

But you can’t keep planning ahead at the expense of living in the now.

Living in the present should not be as hard as it is but with open files and unfinished plans, we live in a constant state of distraction. The average person has 150 “undone tasks” at any time.

And it has been proven that the more time people spend distracted, the more anxiety, depression, attention deficit and even dementia occurs later in life.

Stop living in the past by closing open files and avoiding the mistake of living in the future that has not yet occurred.

“The present that duals with the past sacrifices the future” – Amit Sood

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore? Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

As much as the holidays represent family time, it can be a disaster.

Pent up feelings, unresolved issues and anxiety that comes from everyone being together can lead to a bad outcome.

There are a lot of things that can be done to avoid the drama that can ruin family time together, but the best approach is simple to do.

Don’t try to improve loved ones.

The person who tries to improve another person is signing on for disaster because they most assuredly will be more miserable for the trying than the person they are trying to change.

Enjoy the day.

Enjoy the time together.

Heap on lots of gratitude.

But when you’re beginning to get the feeling that you need to intercede and get involved in another person’s drama, you will always be unhappier.

Family occasions are relatively few.

Weddings, birthdays, graduations, funerals, holidays.

You can survive any family drama if you take the vow to not try to improve a loved one.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore? Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

When people don’t care enough to be helpful, there is an alternative.

Keep looking for another person who can and will help and avoid the anger and disappointment you feel.

Here’s what works – yes, it even works on Comcast service reps because as you know Comcast has a terrible reputation for customer service and too many of their employees live down to their employer’s reputation.

This is what I call ‘Dialing For Dollars”.

When I asked a Comcast service rep to help me with an Internet issue, I got the usual run around and attitude.

It was so unnerving I had to get off the phone fast or I would have said things I would regret.

By accident, then, I called right back and yes, got another unhelpful sales rep.

My wife was nearby watching me go through this agony and I joked, “I’m dialing for dollars” and “I’m going to keep calling until I get someone at Comcast who cares if I have to call back 100 times in a row”.

And a few calls later, I found this angel of mercy.

She was so nice I said, “Have you ever heard of Dale Carnegie? (who wrote How To Win Friends and Influence People).  She said not only had she heard of him, she took his course.  And then we connected, because for many years I taught that course.

Why keep hitting our heads against the wall.

There are lots of unhelpful people in the world but if we keep looking there is one to make up for all of them.

No matter how greedy or self-absorbed people become, don’t settle for it and stay positive – there is someone who cares and wants to help.

Even at Comcast!

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Whether it’s a terrorist bomb attack, a deranged person with an automatic weapon firing on students or theatergoers, it’s a scary and sometimes depressing world.

The other day I got a pick me up from, of all people, the wisdom of Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers for decades on PBS).

Rogers said when he was on the verge of losing faith in humankind, his mother always told him to look to the helpers – the people who come up big when their lives are in danger or when they are needed to help.

Fred Rogers passed away in 2003 of stomach cancer but his timely words then not only live on now, they console me as they may inspire you to look beyond the bad to see the good in people.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Children may not fully know what is going on in the world, but they can sense when their parents are scared or upset.

Give them the useful tools to become future peacemakers.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore? Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Bag all those studies that say we get happier as we get older.

Money, accomplishments and power are not what they used to be.

A new, massive study was conducted with 50,000 adults by NORC at the University of Chicago, a non-partisan research group that has been studying these things since 1972.

For the first time, 18-29 year olds were happier than more mature adults.

Women were happier then men.

There are no easy answers.

Younger people still have hope and one theory is that older folks are becoming more disappointed with jobs, the “happiness” money can’t buy for them and troubled relationships.

What to do?

Stop focusing on imperfections and be grateful for the good things and special, loving people in your life.

The more gratitude that is expressed, the less time you have worrying about the things that rob you of happiness.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Tell them they did something very well or (if it applies) that they were correct about something they said.

Guaranteed to get their attention promptly.

Why?

When was the last time someone told you you were right or remembered fondly something that you said?

Ever notice that people don’t really want advice, even if they ask for it.

They want someone to listen to them.

When self-absorbed people ramble on and on (and they do this more now than ever), it is a call for recognition by someone other than themselves.

They want to be validated by you.

When someone turns a deaf ear to what you’re saying, look to the other side of silence to determine what scares or upsets them the most.

Dale Carnegie in his best selling book tells the story of how a good listener at a party can somehow be complimented as being a great conversationalist.

The edge goes to the person who understands that someone will listen to you avidly when you listen to them first.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

A study of 1,095 people average age 33 in Denmark showed that Facebook was ruining their lives.

After a week 88% of those not on Facebook said they were happy, compared to the 81% still on Facebook.

But only 12% of the people who didn’t use Facebook described themselves as “dissatisfied” vs. 20% for Facebook users.

The Facebook users were also 55% more likely to feel stressed.

The people who didn’t use Facebook claimed after the week was over that they actually had a better social life and had less trouble concentrating.

It’s probably not just Facebook but any social media that requires time and attention away from personal interaction.

• Use Facebook, Twitter and social media as you would sugar – to sweeten the day but not as a steady diet.
• Take social media vacations – almost everyone who is either forced to or voluntarily sets aside their digital devices temporarily comes away with two feelings:  one, that it felt good to do and two, that they couldn’t wait to get back with their social media (after all, it’s addictive).
• Life is to be lived in the present with real people, interactions and the nuances that go with direct contact.  Social media is just a tool in our digital lives.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Let your eyes light up the moment you see them.

Smother them with sincere enthusiasm.

Focus on them, not you or your digital devices.

Be present without distraction.

Greet loved ones as if you have been away on a business trip for two weeks and are just that moment returning to see them after being away so long.

Stop what you’re doing to listen – nothing shows love and respect more than taking the time to listen without judging.

It’s not how much time you spend together.

It’s about the time you are present together.

Each minute you are present in the company of a loved one is worth 60 minutes just occupying the same space.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Authenticity has always been valued but perhaps never more so than now.

There’s pressure to be that which you are not.

To compromise values.

Or neglect that special something that makes you YOU.

You don’t have to quit the world to be more of the person you want to be.

Have the courage to embrace what makes you unique.

The first time I taught a Dale Carnegie class, one of my students raised her hand and said, “Jerry, you’re teaching public speaking but the way you wave your hands around is distracting”.

That’s the point in time when it would have been easy to second guess the most important quality in a speaker – the ability to be yourself in public.

My response, “I’m Italian. We speak with our hands”.

The message is important but nothing is more important than knowing and being yourself.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore? Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

If there is someone you value more than anyone else, you can be proactive about nurturing that friendship.

• Be in their lives when things go right – not just when they go wrong.
• Little things mean a lot – these are the building blocks of a deep friendship such as remembering their likes from previous conversations.
• Jealous and envy have no place in true friendships.  When others succeed, it does not mean that you won’t succeed.  Don’t hold the happiness and success of another person hostage because of envy.
• Spend lots of face time together if at all possible.  Social media friends are almost never true friends because true friendship takes place in the present.
• Scrap the agency – you don’t always have to contact a friend for a reason.  Call for no reason at all.
• Be there even if you can’t be of help.

One of our biggest complaints is about the lack of true friends.

Facebook and Instagram friends, yes.

Real friends, not really.

Friends are not aggregated, they are appreciated.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

We work.

We raise families.

We tend to the needs of our aging parents.

What time is left we use to try to reduce stress which seems like it is getting worse all the time.

Perhaps you are like me – stretched in too many directions.

I have discovered a replacement for more quality time – you know, the thing we keep hearing we have to do to make relationships better.

And that is to be present and undistracted in our relationships.

The time we spend with friends, family – our children is secondary to how present we are when we are in their company.

Not how long we spend with others but how present we are in their company.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Not far from me in New Jersey near the shore 9 teenagers and 3 young adults have killed themselves in a three-year period.

These are cluster suicides that are related – one triggered off another.  Several took their lives on the same train tracks, many went to the same high school.

Depression is a chemical as well as psychological response in people.  One teen was thought to have had a reaction to an acne drug.

But out of such bad has come good with people, families of the victims and officials coming together to soothe the pain and give some meaning to these tragic events.

Three thoughts:

1. Deal with problems openly not buried deep inside.
2. Wipe away senseless guilt and shame.
3. Realize to be free, problems need to be discussed.

Listening without judging promotes such open communication.

Being there for others is how to be of help.

Here is an excellent video about the 9 suicides that also serves as an uplifting reminder of what we can do to help others and the troubled when we are there with them in the present.

Click here for Struggling To Understand.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

The amazing Dr. Amit Sood has the best test for a true friendship:

“Let’s say you won one hundred million in a lottery.  How many people can you call knowing they will be truly happy for you and not expect a dime?  They are your real well-wishers.  People who are truly happy in your happiness are your true friends”.

Quality trumps numbers of friends.

“Research shows even a few true real life friends remarkably increase happiness; thousands of social media connections; not so much”.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Teens spend more time on media each day than sleeping (Common Sense Media).

Two thirds of teens don’t think texting or watching TV has anything to do with their ability to learn.

What’s worse – their parents set a poor example by trying to multitask rather than prioritize.

As a college professor I can tell you that anyone can multitask but it doesn’t mean that they are doing their best work.

And we are already seeing signs in our culture of stress-related activities such as trying to do too much.

We can change this by prioritizing what things we do that will get us the best, most productive results.

80% of what we do doesn’t need to be done in a given day because if we pick the right 20%, we will accomplish 80% more.

The best book I ever read on prioritizing time management is a book written decades ago by Alan Lakein.

I use it and taught it to my children.

Do a few things well not a lot of things poorly by identifying the 20% of life that needs your attention.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

• Not receiving a promotion that has been earned more often than not becomes positive motivation toward improvement and a better outcome next time.  Check around and you’ll see this is true.
• Never allow your self-worth to reside in the advancement an employer may give you at work or – just as important – one that is denied you.  They don’t get to do that.
• I keep a file in my email of any and every testimonial I may receive about my work or me as a person.  Reviewing these comments comes in handy at times when we feel not appreciated and need more confidence.  And use this confidence to explore other opportunities.
• Often the person who passed us over for a promotion eventually winds up losing their job.  The ability to retain and promote outstanding people is not buried in a job description but is a gift that the best managers have.
• When passed over for a promotion and considering that the employer was fair and sincere, ask what specific things you can do to win that promotion the next time.
• Don’t gripe to co-workers, sulk or take it out on your family.
• Being passed over for promotion isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of your next promotion.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

All families are dysfunctional – just some more than others.

And families can be more than genetically related people.  There are work families and social families.

And extended family.

I am closest to my dearest friend than I am to my biological siblings.  Perhaps you can relate to that.

The road to life is always under construction.

• Be a good communicator and my definition of a good communicator is a person who not only delivers a message but makes double sure that it was received as delivered.
• Be aware of the difference between fact and assumption.  Fact can be observed and verified and assumptions cannot not.  Unfortunately, most interpersonal relationship problems are based on assumptions about things – not the facts as they are.
• Forgive but don’t forget.  There is great benefit to remembering how we have been hurt but there is no benefit to carrying around the vitriol and anger that makes us someone we don’t want to be.
• Sometimes major differences in values even among close family members cannot be reconciled. The healthy way forward is to let that person go and hope for the best or if you are religious, pray for them.

Nothing can stand in the way of two people who desire a healthy relationship, but it takes courage to reassess what you need and what you can give in return to others.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Sports figures have the benefit of deciding how long they want to work for the teams that they are on.

Their agents pursue the next opportunity and at the end of each contract, a reassessment takes place.

But most of us never reassess what we have accomplished or what we want to do next.

And we don’t place a dollar value on our skills.

Become a free agent and change that up.

• When a player goes through salary arbitration, the arbitrator generally assesses what players with similar skills and accomplishments are worth in the marketplace.   We need to do the same thing.  Discover what people with your skills and experience are making and average their salaries together to get to your real worth.
• Working in a job and never checking to see if there is a better position will ultimately lead to unhappiness and possibly unemployment.  Every year, take a week or more to get away from the workaday world and ask this question:  “Do I want to continue what I am doing in this job for another year?”  If the answer is yes, commit in your mind to giving 100% for the next 12 months.  If the answer is I don’t know or no – look for alternatives while you are employed.
• When assessing what you want to do don’t be limited by your education or skills.  Dream on.  Catch the dream and follow it. You can always get the education and/or skills to pursue it but without a dream, you’re just going to wind up in another job.  Life is too short to spend the majority of your day doing anything but feeling great.

When we become a free agent in our careers, we tend to confirm our current commitments or get the motivation to pursue something else.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Facebook friends aren’t real friends.

Instagram followers aren’t real friends.

A real friend is not someone we collect, but someone we respect.

• A friend never conducts a relationship exclusively over digital and social media.  The reward of a friendship is in experiencing the now.
• A real friend doesn’t have to remind themselves to reach out because real friends are always thinking of those who are important to them.  My best friend and I always knew when too many days had gone by without meaningful contact.  We knew and we acted.
• Real friends do not judge.  If the Pope can say, “Who am I to judge?”, what is our problem?
• Real friends always ask what they can do for us, not what we can do for them.  And vice versa.
• A real friend is never jealous or envious – friendship does not thrive in this atmosphere.
• A real friend is always there, always cares and stays connected in meaningful ways.

The difference between a friend and an acquaintance is values.

Maya Angelou breaks down the difference like this:

“Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide. Friends may disagree, but not about serious matters. A friend will stand for you when you are no longer able. A woman can say to herself, “If I die, I know that my friend, my sister friend will be here to hold up the banner.” Now that’s very profound”.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

Here’s a follow-up to my piece last week titled “Dealing With Rejection”.

Tools to nip rejection in the bud.

• Compassion is the best weapon against shamers.  Think, “I feel sorry for anyone who has to resort to (insert here)”. Understanding how terrible it must be to resort to shaming gives you the power to resist it.
• Shamers are often guilty of that which they project onto others. This puts the insults in their proper place – out of your mind.
• Shame or rejection is more effectively dealt with as soon as they are recognized. Often, rejection is internalized as a defense but this delay actually makes everything feel worse.
• No one gets to shame us – not even ourselves. Shame is a tool used to control others. When you feel shame, remember that someone is trying more to control you than to persuade you.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore? Choose the link below to unsubscribe.

There isn’t one thing we can do to be more popular, more desired at work or more loved in life that is more effective than to become a better listener.

Not one thing.

Some people have it in their DNA to be good listeners.

The rest of us need to work on it because it makes all the difference in the world.

• Talk less.  When we’re talking we can’t listen as intently.
• Respond to what you hear instead of going off on your own version of the story.
• Ask questions and actually listen to the responses.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Catch yourself every time you use the words “me” or “I” – self-absorption never sits well with others.
• Repeat that which you want to remember two times in your mind for the best chance of remembering it.
• When the other person is interrupted, burn into your brain the last thing that they said at the time they were interrupted by someone other than you so when they lose their place, you can show how intently you were listening by reminding them where they left off.

Even improving in one of the above areas begins to make a difference.

In a self-absorbed world it’s easy to get away with talking about yourself and that which interests you.

But for the many benefits that come from being a good listener, remember that we were given only one mouth but two ears – the better to use them.

Subscribe to these Day Starters for free here.

Share them with friends and family by forwarding this email or posting to social media.

Don’t want to get these emails anymore?  Choose the link below to unsubscribe.