You might think the iconic founder of Apple would have children who are so tech savvy they cannot put their digital devices down.

Not so.

Jobs and his wife Laurene, a Stanford University trustee, would limit the amount of screen time their children were allowed to have every day.

In fact, many Silicon Valley tech execs limit their children’s screen time.

What do they know that makes them act with such certainty when many of us give in to the whims of students, the pressures of their peer groups and even the misguided direction of some early education teachers?

Here’s what they do, perhaps it is helpful or at least thought worthy:

1. Strictly limit screen time (note that I said “strictly”).
2. Ban use of digital devices on school nights (yes, try this at home).
3. No screens in the bedroom under any circumstances.
4. Define that which you will allow children to do when they are allowed screen time.
5. Put in place what I call “analog” time for weekends where children can interact with parents, each other or have time for themselves.  I grew up in the small town of Springfield, PA where I walked to get everywhere and anywhere.  As I look back on that, the time alone helped me pass the time by using my creativity.

Screens in the back of cars and SUVs to keep children occupied should be banned.  It’s lazy parenting as is plopping kids in front of a television.

Encourage kids to look for license plates from far away states, talk to each other, play games and yes, even talk back and forth with mom and dad.

Need more motivation to get tough with screen time?

Exposure to harmful content, easily accessed pornography, social sites like SnapChat where lots of kids take nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves without their parents knowing because the site claims the pictures are self destructive 2-10 seconds after they are viewed.

There’s bullying.  Lack of sleep when young people take their phones to bed (which they do).  Social ineptitude resulting from a lack of personal contact with others.  Children under 10 are the most susceptible.

We are not doing our jobs if we allow young people to pick up the destructive habits of digital living – the same habits that may also be compromising our lives.

What did Steve Jobs’ children do instead of using the devices he invented?  A New York Times reporter recently asked Jobs’ biographer, Walter Isaacson if he knew.

“Every evening Steve made a point of having dinner at the big long table in their kitchen, discussing books, and history and a variety of things.  No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer. The kids did not seem addicted at all to devices”.

Become addicted to life with digital devices in their proper place.

To receive this daily day starter tomorrow Subscribe

There is almost nothing that can hurt you more than your own negative thoughts.

The words and actions of others can be hurtful – even destructive – but they pale in comparison to the words and thoughts that we turn loose to hurt ourselves.

No age group is more positive than another although younger people tend to be more optimistic about the future but not necessarily more positive about themselves.

When you find yourself saying words of limitation, catch them and stop it (i.e., statements that have the word  “can’t” in them).

When you hear someone else use words that limit their potential or talk themselves down, recognize it each and every time so it doesn’t infect you (example: Substitute “I’ve put together the best resume and presentation I possibly can, I’m excited” for “They are interviewing so many people for that promotion, my chances are not good that I will get it”).

When you buy into a streak of bad luck, break it to change your luck – good things follow positive thoughts (“If I keep doing enough good things, my chance of succeeding will improve just as athletes who practice with positivity rehearse their future success”).

And expect to get what you want.  I have (and sometimes relapse) into negative thoughts, but my history suggests otherwise.  Usually, I find a way to get what I want.

Think about this – your history may be the same when you look at it objectively.

Expect something good to come out of the ups and downs of life and it usually does.

To receive this daily day starter tomorrow Subscribe

Give 5 minutes of uninterrupted listening to those who are important in your life each and every week.

5 minutes to a friend, co-worker, family member or child in which you vow to say absolutely nothing while you simply hear the other person out.

Duct tape your lips shut – at least in your mind’s eye.

This is pure magic.

5 minutes often becomes longer and when it is your turn to talk – and you will be surprised how much the other person actually wants to hear from you when you give them this prime talking time first – you will be heard.

No more screaming for attention.

No longer making everything about us.

Just 5 minutes – you pick the people – and listen.

Married couples and partners may want to consider making this process a little more formal – ten minutes for you and 10 minutes for them every week.

Believe me, people would rather be heard than have you agree with them.

Parents and children don’t really suffer from a gender gap but rather a hearing problem.

The secret that will change your life is to give 5 minutes of person centered interest to those people you identity as important in your life.

Subscribe

There is an epidemic of stress that few of us have been able to avoid and many of us have not been able to control.

Incredibly, much of the stress in our lives comes from those very close to us – friends, family and often people we spend the most time with who cause workplace related stress.

But real friends do not cause anxiety in others.

People who do are egocentric and sometimes try to project their unhappiness on those who are only a short distance away from their lives.  And in today’s digital world, we are ALL a short distance away from potential anxiety producers.

Take this stress test:

1. Are those close to you making everything about them and not you?  If so, they are not available to be your friend even if that is their intention.
2. Do they give you ultimatums – do this or do that or I am disappointed in you?  If they try this, they are manipulative.  Real friends do not manipulate.
3. Are they emotional or do they trigger emotional stress in you?  Those who do are often more interested in bullying than being a true friend.

Think of the best friend you have right now.

Are they kind?  Do they give without expecting anything in return?

Here’s an overlooked marker:  do they listen at least half the time and speak the other half?  Are they there for you without regard to gaining anything in return?

Friends don’t let friends cause anxiety.

It is unreasonable to expect such people to change their behavior.  You must change yours.

Spend more time with people who produce warmth and reassurance and less time with those who make their whims, problems and desires kidnap your relationship.

Subscribe

Cellular voice calls in the U.S. grew 14% over the last year (source: CTIA, the Wireless Association).

There are now apps for new age talking (i.e., short, to the point).

For that there is Voxer which works like a walkie-talkie letting people communicate back and forth in short bursts.

ChitChat doing the same thing except the messages disappear after they’ve been played.

Apple is also working on mobile software that will allow users to send short voice messages that will also disappear once heard.

Talking on the phone is a valuable tool.

It enables us to discern the feelings of others in ways that text-based messaging cannot.

It shows a maturation of our digital communication process.

Generations past, people would call their relatives on Sunday nights when the lowest phone rates applied.  Still, they would remind the recipient that “I’m calling Long Distance” meaning get to the point this is costing me money.

When most cell carriers charge for data usage and giveaway texting and talking for free, it tells you where they think the market is.

All tools of communication – texting, talking, social apps, Instagram, SnapChat and even email are assets of living in the digital age.

But don’t confuse the process for the tools.

Subscribe

Yes, anger.

A healthy sense of outrage at the problems that plague us or people who stymie our growth and happiness.

Hope is not a fuzzy word.  It is a formula that helps us through the challenges of life.

People can endure anything if they have hope.

Viktor Frankl, the young psychiatrist imprisoned in a World War II concentration camp endured inhumane treatment that was also directed at 6 million other victims.

But when he was freed, Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning relates how faith in some people gave him hope about his condition and his fellow man.

Without hope, no one can survive.

To get to hope, be courageous and show an appropriate healthy sense of anger for the things that get us down.

Subscribe

The three times divorced movie star Ali McGraw says all her marriages ended because she never told her partners who she really was.

Communication is merely an unmet expectation unless we feel strongly enough to start the process – at home, at work with friends and family.

When people don’t communicate they almost never say, “I didn’t communicate”.

Sometimes they admit, “We didn’t communicate”.

But usually the breakdown is described as “they never communicated with me”.

We cannot expect others to be what we want them to be unless we are committed to being what we want to be.

Think it.

Say it.

All you can do is your part.

Subscribe

Marriott, the hotel chain that made $13 billion in revenue last year caused a dustup from customers when they enlisted the help of TV anchor Maria Shriver to come up with cash to pay their underpaid hotel maids.

To be clear, Marriott’s’ hotel maids are among the lowest paid in an industry that also has a 40% higher injury rate than other service sectors.

Many Marriott hotel guests happily pay cash bonuses to their individual room maids but didn’t appreciate the envelopes placed in 160,000 Marriott hotel rooms in the U.S. and Canada recently.

One tweeter said, “I have a great deal for you Marriott – you stop charging for wireless in the rooms, and I’ll put that money toward tipping the maids!! Win Win!”

Another said, “..rather than telling your patrons to tip their attendants, or spend marketing dollars to roll out a campaign, isn’t it your responsibly to pay your workers livable wages so that tips are not required!”

Millennials have renewed our passion for being authentic not only as a person but in our business dealings.

Cable companies and mobile carriers are less than honest with us.  If you are planning to buy a new iPhone, lots of luck determining the real price of the phone beyond the promises of cellular companies.

All of this reminds us that to be authentic – the real deal – should be our main goal.

Be ourselves with warts and all.

Reject Mad Men-era spin saying one thing that really means another.

People are attracted to authenticity.

By the millions.

And one relationship at a time.

Don’t miss a thing – free updates by email here.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand outed some of her colleagues in the new book Off the Sidelines.

Sadly, women are still the targets of men who are either unthinking or uninformed that women are the exact same thing as men in the workplace.

Just after having a baby and being appointed to replace Hillary Clinton as Senator from New York, Gillibrand heard:  “too fat to get elected statewide”, heard warnings from colleagues about being “too porky” and being told that she’s “even pretty when she’s fat”.  One senator even grabbed her waist and called her “chubby”.

She was reduced to tears and lost confidence; Gillibrand said, “I wasn’t in a place where I could tell him to go (F) himself”.

Women get these undermining comments all the time even in this day of enlightenment across all industries.

My thoughts:

1. Reject any comment directed to you as out of line (even psychological ones) that you don’t agree with.  As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “’No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.  So the solution starts with you.
2. Countering with insults only reduces you to their level – cut them off, dismiss the criticism and move on.
3. Combat the damage that can easily be done to your reputation by focusing primarily on being the competent fine person you are.

We are human.

Sexism and harassment hurts.

Put every negative comment to work to succeed in your goals and to be the person you want to be.

Don’t miss a thing – free updates by email here.

Before I give a speech, I stand up as straight as a ramrod, take deep breaths and stride forward to the stage.

As a radio program director I often asked my djs to stand up for their shifts – at least at the beginning of their shows to emote confidence and power.

Now I know why.

Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard Business School has done research on “power poses” that have clearly helped people from all walks of life, in just about every career and some who have even been damaged by bullying, mental illness, sexual assault or physical limitations.

I am anxious to share this with you and hope you will pass it along to friends, children and loved ones:

1. Making yourself BIG for only two minutes changes the brain in ways that build courage, reduce anxiety and promote leadership skills – tested techniques that really work.  Get up and stand tall.
2. Stretching out comfortable in a desk chair – feet on the desk, fingers held behind your head – increases testosterone by 20% and better yet, lowered the stress hormone cortisol by 25%.  Just that one move.  Think about how we sit slumped over our laptops, iPads and phones all day long.  It may not be convenient, but sitting straight up at a desktop computer breeds more confidence.
3. Instead as Cuddy puts it “fake it until you become it”.

Cuddy: “Let your body tell you you’re powerful and deserving and you become more present, enthusiastic and authentically yourself”.

We’re always looking for high priced ways to take a pill or attend classes and even seek professional help to mitigate anxiety.  Try this two-minute approach today and share your comments.

Don’t miss a thing – free updates by email here.


By trying to take a picture of this bumper sticker as I did on Sunday.

You see, the clever bumper sticker distracted me enough to photograph it for you.

Texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving and that’s not good, either.

Parents text more than young adults – backed up by research I have shared here.

It’s a menace to you and to your children if you are a parent.

The law clamps down on drunk driving but lets texting while driving go on in spite of the few states that actually “ban” it in principle if not in practice.

Again, texting is not the problem.

Bad judgment is the problem.

Apple, Google and others are trying to find hands free ways to receive and respond to texts but that may fall on deaf ears because if you check with young people (and their texting parents), it’s the tactile feeling finger texting that brings the pleasure.
Technology already supplies us with ways to record it and text it.

Mel Karmazin, the media executive who most recently helped Sirius XM satellite achieve success used to say that everything was a distraction in a car but that radio was the least of them and over decades of use few have ever died from listening to the radio (unless the programming was that bad).

Don’t look to others to reign in texting while driving.

Just as your best friend deserves as much non-distracted face time as our digital devices, the same holds true for driving.

Don’t miss a thing – free updates by email here.

Never has any generation lived in an age so aware of friendship.

The term social media suggests friendship – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine and the like.

We “friend” people on Facebook and our total number of friends is tallied on the site for all to see almost as if to claim bragging rights.

We text – usually about ourselves.

When we talk, we are increasingly ego centered.

Dale Carnegie, the still heavyweight champion of human relations, said to focus on that which other people want makes them like us more.

If he is still correct then we are making a lot of enemies.

Not answering texts.

Answering only what we want to answer.

Talking in person or on the phone with others about our favorite topic –ourselves.

Don’t be a friend who takes.

Give your time and sincere interest in the lives of others.  Even strangers.

You won’t die of neglect.

In fact, you will feel great knowing you are empowered to make other people come alive and at the same time crave being your friend.

Friends who give, give of their time and sincere interest.

They put aside their own personal needs.

In giving, they receive.

You can get my next update for free by email here.

This kid is staring at a screen way to early in life apparently with his dad’s permission.

I snapped this photo at the Apple Store in Cherry Hill, NJ mall as I stared in disbelief.

I mentioned to another customer playing with the new iPhone and looking on in disbelief that if she wanted to learn all the new features, ask the little boy in the stroller.

Increasingly younger children are learning how to scroll and click before they learn how to interact with others.

Parents are at wits end as to what to do because they want their children to be able to succeed in the digital world and yet they know what damage is being done to developing brains that are being shortchanged on human interaction.

Then there is peer pressure – even if your kid must observe screen time hours what about their friends and even their teachers?

Here’s some solace.

A smartphone is a dumb replacement for human interaction.

But it is a wonderful tool to augment communication and access information.

Never turn your back on new technology.

Embrace it.

But be an example of balance to your kids, your friends and associates by putting digital devices in their place.

Smartphones are not a way of life.

They are tools to live life better.

Add your name to our private mailing list to receive new updates daily here.

The best advice I ever heard about not letting digital communication ruin our lives is:

Give your loved ones the same attention that you give your favorite digital device.

Stark reality is:  digital beats personal and our relationships suffer when we let this get out of control.

This is a battle I fight every day because I love the immediacy, convenience and instant information my digital devices can give.

New technology cannot replace the human need to relate to each other in a direct, personal way.

Marriages suffer.

Children are literally left to their own devices and are robbed of parental involvement.

We become desensitized to dealing with other people directly when we never see them, never know when we’ve pleased or hurt them.

Some thoughts:

1. Spend as much time in the present directly relating to others as you spend online, in social media or enveloped in your digital devices, websites and apps.
2. Reward those around you with “digitally free” dinners, days, outings and time spent together.
3. Make up for being absent because you’re spending too much time with technology by greeting the ones you value – who matter the most – as if you were just returning from a week’s absence from them.

Technology is not going away and shouldn’t.

But meaningful, loving relationships will continue to suffer if an equal amount of our time and attention is not focused on undistracted direct personal relationships.

It’s natural.

We all get concerned about the finite number of years our loved ones have left and for that matter what we have.

What may be surprising is that the fear of death is not a condition of the old, but also the young – many of whom increasingly are becoming obsessed with it.

Life is a journey with a beginning, middle and end.

There is no effective way to push aside the fear of death other than to make sure we fear not living every day that we have more than death.

I know a man who is raining cancer who asked his urologist if he could help him live just a few more years.  Of course, as doctors will tell you, once we get the reprieve, we want more.

The author and Mayo Clinic physician Dr. Amit Sood actually likes to be conscious of how little time we have as a reminder not to waste it.

He counts the number of years until his daughter leaves for college, the number of holidays he is likely to have left with his parents.  And although this may seem maudlin to some, this motivates him to enjoy every moment in the present.

Surveys show that people in hospice at the end of life never wish that they had worked hours of work, or pursued earning a higher salary.  They wish that they had more time for families, friends, experiences and dealing with life’s ups and downs.

Focus on living every day to the fullest because living to 100 doesn’t replace living 100% using the healthy “fear” of not living the life that we have this moment.

It isn’t an iPhone that people don’t like and actually, social media is a wonderful invention to connect thoughts, words, pictures and videos in real time.

It’s the lack of face-to-face interaction that is causing a society that even young people – addicted to digital devices – are increasingly concerned about.

Maybe that is you or someone you know.

When I can communicate anything I want with a tap of my digital device, I cannot appreciate if I have pleased you, disappointed or hurt you.

The lack of in-person feedback tends to make me more insensitive to those around me even as I get new digital tools and apps to “communicate” better.

So, what to do?

Give up the smartphone, avoid social media – drop out of the world as it now exists?

That is not necessary.

But there are a few things that can help maintain sensitivity to others that will not only enhance relationships but make digital contact more rewarding.

1. Think before sending.  Since we cannot see the reaction we are going to get put a little more thought into how your message may be received before sending.
2. Schedule face time for people who matter.  You know when you’re spending too much time communicating with digital tools.  When this happens, go direct.
3. Try FaceTime live video chats where you can see a person’s response to you in real time.  It helps to keep it sensitive to the impact of your words and thoughts.

Ask questions as often as you can.  Don’t always make “me” statements.  There is so much self-absorption in the world, we don’t want to be part of it.  Be sincerely interested in others – a good rule of thumb on our digital devices and in person.

Used to be that teens suffered from anxiety due to their hormonal changes and coming of age from adolescence to adulthood.

But the world is fast – very fast.

We are intertwined in social media and connected to people in ways that are not always fulfilling and rewarding.

Anxiety is an epidemic.  The Anxiety and Depression Association says that 10% of all teens experience anxiety so severely that it disrupts their lives.

Fleeting thoughts.

Not always knowing what causes the anxiety.  Scary stuff.

Many stressed out people turn to drugs and alcohol, but there are healthier ways to help a person who is experience runaway anxiety.

1. Listen carefully and respectfully to their concerns and remain non-judgmental.
2. Calm the anxious person but reassure them that anxiety is a natural part of life and that when it sometimes gets out of hand, anxiety can be reduced and they can feel better again.
3. Draw the person out to explore what situations or what people may be contributing to their anxiety.
4. Offer praise when this person shows courage to forge ahead in life in the wake of such uneasiness.
5. Recommend seeking professional help if anxiety lasts longer than six months or if you become very concerned about how they are handling their anxiety.

One of my USC students, a handsome and smart young man with everything going for him approached me one morning before class with tears in his eyes and said, “Professor Del Colliano, I cannot sit in this classroom”.

At first I joked and said, “Oh, you’ve seen my lesson plan”.

But soon it became apparent that he was so upset that to require him to do anything would be useless.

So I gave him the option to sit in the back of the room or leave as long as he returned to my office later in the day so I could try to be of help privately.

He sat in the last row.  Walked me to my office after class.  We chatted and he talked.  I listened.  He got help.  I suggested a diet with less sugar in it because sugar contributes to anxiety and we eat a lot of it in our daily diet.

I shared my own anxiety.

He won the battle and was forever grateful – not for any magic solution – but for allowing him to see his own anxiety and come up with his own plan to overcome it.

Always see clearly what you want.

And never forget being grateful for what you have.

I don’t know if you are like me.

I am ambitious – I have a knack for seeing vividly in my mind’s eye exactly that which I want in real ways that keep me motivated.

What I work on every day is to be as good at capturing a moment of gratitude for something that others might miss that reminds me how lucky I am to be alive.

As I have written previously, surveys show that the average couple needs $70,000 a year in the U.S. to be happy.

Anything less – they report less happiness corresponding with how much less they earn.

But curiously, anything more and they are not any happier.  Not even people who make millions of dollars.

$70,000 is the sweet spot.

This is significant because we spend a lifetime yearning to earn when we should also be yearning to learn the relationship between what we want and what we already are fortunate enough to have.

If you’ve seen the video of Baltimore Ravens’ star Ray Rice clocking his soon-to-be wife in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, you’ve got to ask – why did she go through with the marriage.

Even as the NFL scrambles to contain the outbreak of player violence and criminal behavior, Jenay Rice just wants everyone to leave them alone.

With domestic abuse, you really don’t get to be left alone because no one has a license to hit, hurt or abuse another person.

These are complicated issues from players whose families may not have always provided the tools to respect another person’s being.

Some thoughts:

1. Research shows verbal abuse is as painful as physical abuse and should be dealt with as the offense that it is.
2. Denying violent acts in a partner or spouse can be deadly.
3. A world in which violence is accepted and even championed (i.e., computer games) desensitizes people who get too used to hitting the reset button after fantasy play.  We get no reset button in life.
4. Drugs and alcohol exacerbate violent behavior and should not be considered excuses for physical or psychological abuse.

This scandal does not apply to just a group of elite athletes.

Psychologists tell us that one out of four children are abused by an adult.

Spousal abuse is ramping out of control.

Verbal abuse, shaming and cyberbullying is a real epidemic in our digital world.

Every man who has a mother, a sister, a wife or a daughter should know better than to hit or hurt a woman.

I had a girlfriend who attended not one but two semesters of therapy by an outstanding group called Women Against Rape.  I attended the boyfriend/spouse sessions simultaneously.

What we learned is that rape is a crime of violence not sex.

The takeaway is more apparent every day as Vikings running back Adrian Peterson is subsequently arrested for child abuse.

Love not hate.

Compassion not violence.

Communication not silence.

Quick!

Who was more likely to read a printed book last year – a Millennial or an older American?

In a recent Pew survey, more young adults report having read a book in the past year compared to older Americans, by a nearly 10 percentage-point margin.

62% of under 30’s believe there is “a lot of useful, important information that is not on the Internet.”

Perhaps surprisingly only 52% of older adults said the same thing.

When we make assumptions – in this case that young people are obsessed with their mobile devices and would never read a printed book – we are making a bad assumption that hurts us.

The same thing about race or gender.

Assume that all Asians like this and all gays are that by our own doing we withdraw from reality.

The rule of thumb should be:

Everyone is equal.

We’re all the same and we’re all different.

And an assumption is a terrible thing to make.