Some people are hard to forgive.

Others don’t deserve forgiveness. 

Nothing in life is so painful than people who hurt others and yet when this happens to us, we often hurt ourselves more by harboring this animosity for years and sometimes to our graves.

That’s why it is helpful to view forgiving others as a gift to you. 

Not an open invitation to allow the same abuses to happen again and again.  Forgiving is not forgetting.

Almost every dastardly deed that hurts can be forgiven and the number one beneficiary is the person doing the forgiving. 

The alternative is to live life holding grudges and hurt feelings. 

Forgiveness is a gift to you.

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Internet social media entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk makes it a practice to meet people and do something for them.

In his own words Vaynerchuk told The Wall Street Journal, “In my career there have been 500 to 1,000 times when I approached someone, done something for him or her and then figuratively walked away.”

He expected nothing in return and benefited from the interactions that have aided his career and benefited his companies.

And the 5 or ten times that Vaynerchuk said people did the same thing for him, it was the beginning of a great relationship.

Effective networking is about patience and buildup – to use his words – not the close.

The secret to more effective networking:  be the first person in a network relationship to provide value.

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My USC college students used to worry away their senior year by suddenly having to deal with the prospect of full-time employment.

Lately, that prospect isn’t good and many people find themselves underemployed or unemployed.

Years earlier in a better economy, I knew a student who insisted he would not work for less than $70,000 a year.  He remained unemployed until he got a job working for his father at way less.

Once, my students asked me for the secret to getting rich in the music industry.  I promised them an answer at the end of the semester (I’m no fool). 

When I told them the secret to getting rich is not trying, they were incredulous.

Don’t try to make a lot of money.

Try to be excellent at what you do.

If you do, you win in two ways.

You are on the best path to rapid salary growth, but just as important, by making your life about being the best that you can be instead of the richest, you have the only real chance to attain both.

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Surveys show that most people fear speaking more than their own death.

But what is a worse fate that never seems to get surveyed is not living the life you want to live.

If money and power isn’t enough for many, then what is?

Being trapped in a relationship, a job, a life that is not the one you were supposed to have – the one you dreamed about before settling to pay the bills and feed the family — is a slow death of the spirit.

It’s not always practical to walk into your employer’s office and up and quit nor is it easy to extricate yourself from long-term relationships that have turned negative. 

And sometimes we’re born into a family that we can’t easily escape.

What we can do – right now – is make a priority of reimaging the life we want to live now.  Without that, we have no roadmap, no plan – no way to live that life.

When you ask the question “What is the life I was meant to live?” over and over again, it transforms unhappiness into the joy of fulfillment.

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CNN correspondent Miles O’Brien was on assignment in the Philippines a few weeks ago when his arm was crushed helping his crew access their equipment on a truck.

O’Brien’s arm needed to be amputated to save his life.

He is not bitter.

In fact, he says the treatment he got in the Philippines was probably the same as the treatment he would have gotten in the U.S.  So far as we know he didn’t sue his employer for workplace negligence. 

O’Brien suffers phantom pains in his arm (portions of it may be gone, but he feels like it is still there). 

Shortly after the accident, Miles O’Brien kept a previously scheduled date to moderate an event back in Washington at The National Academy of Sciences on climate change.  He said he had committed to host the event “obviously long before my accident”.

O’Brien has the same long road ahead of him that other amputees have (my father had his leg amputated later in life so I can relate to this story a bit).

By refusing to blame others or pity himself, Miles O’Brien is on his way to full recovery.  Or as he says, “this is a great opportunity for me to buy some really cool new gadgets.”

For the rest of us, do we have to lose an arm to say what O’Brien is saying?

“I’m alive.  I’m glad to be alive”.

If he can say it after his traumatic accident, what is our excuse?

Let’s be a little more glad to be alive today.

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It’s not money.

What they want is cheaper than that, in fact, available at no cost and brings even greater satisfaction.

It’s appreciation.

Workplace surveys have reinforced this over the past four decades.

This is not to say money is not important.  It averages fourth on the list of important things. 

Only fourth.

The ability to have a say in conducting their jobs usually ranks second in employee workplace surveys.

Appreciation is the real carrot at the end of the stick.

A good employer can use this need as a way to motivate and reward good workers.  Be cognizant that appreciation is more powerful than more money.

Sincere, honest appreciation or else it is just manipulation and that can backfire.

P.S. – Appreciation is the one thing that trumps everything at home and in our personal relationships, too, so any time you spend time and effort becoming better at giving appreciation, the happier everyone will be.

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Often unhappy employees complain that if they knew the real description for the job they were hired to do, they would have never taken it.

To test whether the job you accepted is the job you still want, try the following.

Write an honest job description for the job you now hold in your own words. 

Read it to someone you trust and ask what they think of that job? 

Then, most importantly, compare your “real” current job description to that which your employer described to you during the interview process.

If your present job is not everything they described in writing – or happily better – it’s time to search for new employment.

Work occupies the majority of hours in our daily lives.

We are happiest when that time leads to satisfaction and accomplishment.

Money is not the entire story.

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Employers today expect one person to do more than one job. 

In some industries such as radio, workers are routinely required to do many jobs for multiple stations often at the same rate they were paid for doing one job.

McDonald’s is answering an employee lawsuit that alleges practices such as requiring minimum wage employees to pay for their own uniforms effectively plunging their salaries to below the minimum.  There are also allegations that employees are asked to clock in, clock out and wait until the restaurant gets busy so they can clock back in again.

How to handle working in a world where enough is not enough.

You may find it helpful to think of your favorite sport.  In hockey, for instance, you would never jump onto the ice and play with less intensity because your contract is not going to be renewed or because you are underpaid.  You play hard for the entire game.

That’s our answer as well.

Play hard no matter what the circumstances.  No one can ask more. 

Appreciate the effort you are putting in with pride because it says a lot about you.

And if the conditions repeatedly are more than a good person can handle, seek employment elsewhere with the knowledge that even under duress, you are a person who gives a least 100%.

That’s how you deal with employers who expect more than is humanly possible and who break their employees’ will by creating unbearable stress.

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Love their mother.

Love their father.

And demonstrate it.

Express the perception of love for their other parent (your spouse) and you will be doing more than anything money can buy for them.

When it is not possible to demonstrate love due to a divorce or other relationship problem at least show respect.

Family courts are filled with parents willing to tear their spouses apart for one reason or another.  No one wins this battle and children of the unfortunate marriage suffer in many ways. 

Litigants and lawyers alike are fond of saying that kids are resilient but psychologists would question the extent of their resilience.

Out of bad marriages come good people ready to live and love again.

But where there are children in our lives in families that are still whole, the most important thing is to love your children’s mother or father.

And respect is the most powerful antidote to helping them live through divorce.

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Tomorrow, the first 20 people who you encounter – even strangers – look them in the eye and say to yourself “bless you”.

That’s a hint from the Mayo Clinic physician and author Amit Sood who has written books about the unlocked power of our brain.

Even if these people you encounter are in a worse mood than you are.

“Bless You” (silently).

If you think this is a whole lot of psychobabble, think again. 

Dr. Sood says taking control of your own mood improves it, may positively affect others without knowing what you’ve done and most importantly, “bless you” to the first 20 people you see each day patterns the pre-frontal cortex of your brain – the part that among other important things is responsible for your good moods and wellbeing.

Do you dare try it?

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My best friend in the world was fond of paying me a compliment by saying, “JD, you’re a good man”.

Nothing has ever meant more to me.

I try to share this sentiment with people I want to compliment as well. 

“You’re a good woman”. 

“You’re a good person”.

“You’re a good friend”.

But there’s one more component.

Always provide evidence.

“You’re a good woman because you constantly care about others”.

“You are a good husband because you treat everyone equally”.

“You’re a good leader because you brought the best out of all of us. Without you we could not have succeeded”.

Sincerity is a must or else this good intention becomes a form of manipulation.

The simple sound of “you’re a good person” followed by evidence is the most effective form of appreciation I know.

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Even small things can turn into great anxiety.

And it starts with those butterflies we feel flying around inside of us.

Butterflies are a good thing.  Any of us who has ever made a presentation can testify that it means we care about doing our very best.

So think of butterflies as representing a great compliment.

But we want these nervous butterflies to fly in formation – not get out of control or lead to more serious anxiety.

Here are a few ways:

1. Think of ways that you have come up big in similar challenging situations and make an IOU to yourself to cash in when butterflies spread their wings.
2. Focus on the present not the past or future.  Ruminations about what may happen (that probably will not) or what happened before (which doesn’t mean it will happen again) are self-destructive.  Give yourself a break.
3. Say this over and over:  “I can handle anything that can happen” – that phrase is tantamount to pre-programming your brain to have confidence.
4. Never fear being human.  People admire a person who cares, appears sincere and is authentic – just like them. 

You will never meet a butterfly that you cannot control by getting them to fly in formation.

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Baby boomers went for to-do lists. 

Gen Xers for bucket lists.

Millennials are now embracing dream boards.

Boards that are assembled the way Carrie Mathison on Homeland slapped visual pictures of terrorists on her wall.

Except dream boards are about visualizing goals and passions and finding a way to accomplish them.

Millennials rarely use to-do lists. 

Baby boomers rarely use dream boards.

Gen Xers rarely use either.

Here’s how to get the best from all three:

1. Make a to-do list but then prioritize only the 20% of things that deliver 80% of the accomplishments.  Caution applies.  People who are expert at preparing to-do lists are often no better off than those who do not because they can become slaves to them.
2. Bucket lists work best when they are short – a few things rather than the fantasy of doing everything.  You can always add more.
3. Dream boards are an outstanding way to visualize dreams, hopes and goals and it works best when you can also visualize in your mind’s eye the pictures that are on your dream wall to take with you.

Whatever combination works best, focus 100% attention on fewer things that matter most.

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By postponing judgment on things we hear in communicating with others – even by as little as one second – our brains begin to become retrained to respond better.

Responding instead of reacting – all because we commit to waiting as little as a second before responding.

Brain scans confirm that the part of the brain that avoids histrionics or emotional responses that can cause talking past another individual is stimulated every time we can add even one second to our response time.

That means fewer arguments with spouses over topics that get a fast response instead of a relevant response.

Fewer disputes with bosses or associates over how to proceed at the workplace.

This does not mean that adding one second is tantamount to giving in.  It’s more like giving both sides a chance to digest what they’ve heard.

Brain research also shows that if we can postpone judgment for 1 second, we can eventually advance to 2 seconds and longer.

Whether we agree or disagree, relationships improve when we postpone judgment on what we think we heard.

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Gandhi said “There is more to life than increasing its speed”.

Nine tenths of all our stress is a result of excessive thoughts, hurry up living and our obsession to want everything that is pleasurable.

Material things.

Money.

The fear of losing money or status.

After all, you would think Bernie Madoff had enough money before he got involved in a Ponzi scheme but he became obsessed with the fear of losing what money meant to him.

Stress from fear of not keeping up.

Stress from living up to what we perceive others expect of us.

Stress from negative thinking that makes us restless and worried.

Stop the momentum.

Pay attention to that which is really important.

Slow down and enjoy today because it is all that matters.

When visiting the past or the future, do so temporarily and then return to the present.

Ironically, we generate more stress for ourselves than others who we perceive as those who are making us miserable.

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What’s worse — expecting trouble or the trouble actually happening?

Well, I can tell you which one causes more concern.

Anticipating what we fear that is likely never going to happen.

When we become obsessed with what is looming over us, we have already paid the price.

99% of that which we worry about never happens.

And of the 1% that does, it rarely happens the way we feared it would.

When you anticipate trouble ahead, try this:

1. Become obsessed not with the thought of what you fear is going to happen but with the reminder that 99% of the time what you fear will likely never happen.
2. Become lost in the present – distracted in a good way by what you are doing now, not by that bad thing you fear is about to happen next.
3. Find peace in knowing that whatever comes to be, you have the skills to deal with it.

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About 50% of adults admit to texting while driving compared to 43% for teens and six out of ten said they weren’t doing it six years ago (2012 AT&T survey).

And often the first ones to complain about a teen texting across the table is the parent who, now we know, does it while driving more than their child.

Several years ago when I asked my USC students if they ever texted while driving, they broke out in roaring laughter.

Of course they do.

Of course we all do.

Although almost all states have laws prohibiting texting while driving or at the minimum have a distracted driving prevention campaign, this strategy will not work.

Deal with the distractions of texting and driving because occasionally it can be deadly.

But texting can also be deadly to your relationships as well.  I love my digital devices and would never give them up. 

When they become a distraction, simply put them in their proper place.

There should never again be the scene you have probably witnessed and that I am about to describe.  A single father with his young son and daughter at a Chinese restaurant.

Dad was on the phone for the entire dinner – via Bluetooth earphone.

His children sat next to each other as if dad didn’t exist talking to each other during the entire dinner.  I lost my appetite. 

Texting can also enhance a relationship.  A study in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy said that the volume of text messages wasn’t as important as whether they were loving messages.

Men who texted more showed lower relationship quality.  They tended to text more as they were disconnecting from a relationship.  Less when they became more engaged.

Women who texted more often said they had higher quality relationships than those who texted more sparingly.

Once and for all.

It’s not about the device.

It’s the person.

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A study in the journal Child Development concludes that parents who yell at their adolescent children cause the same kind of negative behavior as hitting them especially increased the risk of depression and aggressive behavior.

So parents who yell insults at teens calling them “lazy” or “stupid” are literally still slapping them in the face.

The kids whose parents used more harsh verbal discipline when they were 13 paid for it with behavioral problems as soon as one year later. 

Things like trouble in school fighting and depressive symptoms.

There are no studies that equate yelling and hitting for adults, but certainly verbal abuse is rampant in a world that moves as quickly as ours does today.

When employers resort to yelling, it adversely affects a person’s self-esteem.

All this sounds easy enough except in practice yelling often becomes the tool of first resort at work, at home, with family and spouses.

A helpful step is to postpone reaction time – even by a second or two to change up the frustration one feels when they trigger a yelling bout.

Just a few seconds can work wonders.

There is virtually no one who will disagree with the proposition that yelling hurts people so learning how to postpone responding to situations in which you feel compelled to yell, can be transformative.

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You’re going to think I’m crazy when I say think less.

We are drowning in over-think.

It’s one thing to intensely prepare for a presentation, but it is quite another to live the rest of the week preparing for other things that may not happen with that same intensity.

We ruminate on negative things when we think too much.

And expend a lot of energy.

We need to think, plan and progress but when we do too much of it, we let in these ruminations that do no good and make us unhappy.

We are quite qualified to handle life’s challenges and that’s a message worth repeating over and over.  But overthinking our lives is exactly what makes it difficult to live in the present.

Here’s a plan:

• Slow down or pause the constant planning in your life
• Save your best problem solving skills for when they are needed but not in constant perpetual motion
• Replace daydreaming thoughts with focusing full attention on what is happening now (I do this in 3-minute segments because more often than not, 3 minutes is always doable and staying focused often extends longer)

Sometimes we do too much when less brings us serenity and pleasure that is not possible by constantly overthinking our daily lives.

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1. When you win an argument, someone has to lose.  Best way to win an argument is to avoid it.
2. Postpone judgment.  Whatever your partner says that you may have a quick reaction to, take a moment – even a brief one if that is all you can muster – before commenting.  You’ll find that your ability to pause, think and consider will become easier.
3. Work as hard on your marriage as you do on your career and you will obtain it (my personal favorite).
4. The best gift that never goes out of style is the gift of your time.  Listen with 100% attention.  Be present in all ways when conversing with a loved one.
5. Celebrate your differences – the only thing that needs to be the same is the shared values upon which your lives are based.
6. The past is your enemy in an argument.  Leave it there.  Move on.
7. After the two year initial mating period, mature love grows by sharing interests and building on joint achievements.
8. Even during rocky periods, it’s never too late to have a date.
9. The only average that counts is batting 1.000 at trying (from my book Out of Bad Comes Good- The Advantages of Disadvantages).

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