I once asked a psychologist how long it takes to overcome grief from losing a loved one and he said, “It takes as long as it takes as long as your grief doesn’t interfere with going on with life”.

In other words, grief becomes loss and loss can become a permanent sad place.

But there is help.

1. Surround yourself with happy memories – pictures, letters, cookbooks.  I have inherited my mother’s Italian recipes and I feel reunited with her again when I carry on to make Italian Sunday “gravy”.  It will never be as good as hers, but somehow I feel connected in a happy way.  We’re in the kitchen together.
2. Make the person you lost a part of the life in which you are moving on.  My best friend died suddenly two years ago.  He was like an older brother to me, but I am not overstating it when I say there isn’t a day that I don’t say his name, quote his wisdom to those around me or marvel at his human relations. (There, I’ve done it again!)
3. For those who had a questionable or even hurtful relationship with a loved one who is now departed, guilt is not an option.  Trek to the cemetery and have the talk you always wanted to have with that difficult person.  They can’t answer back.  It’s all about you getting your feelings out.  A good thought is that they are in a better place now and would probably be sorry for any pain they caused you in this life and wish the best for you going forward.
4. And if you are religious, this thought from a clergyman:  now you have someone else to pray to for help and guidance.

Our time on this earth is finite.

What we do with it is infinite.

Entering this new “relationship” with a loved one who is dearly departed is a positive and loving substitute for never ending grief.

Love is what keeps us in special relationships but novelty is what helps love continue to grow.

1. Meet your partner every day as if you’re meeting them after 30 days.  The response will be all consuming.  Before walking in the door to greet loved ones say to yourself, “Pretend I’m coming home from a month long absence.  How eager would I be and how would I act?”
2. Be aware of how finite life is.  When you think how many more Christmases you have together, you tend not to waste valuable time.  Children grow up and go to college when they are 17 or 18, how many family vacations together do you have?  This one thought guarantees that you will have no regrets.
3. For the first 5 minutes when you engage with family members, don’t try to improve them.  Either improve them or enjoy them.  You can’t do both.

Enter free agency just like pro athletes.

They rent themselves out for relatively short periods of time – one to seven years at the best price they can get.

But it works for the rest of us, too.

Here’s what I do.

In a few weeks, I’ll reconvene at the Jersey Shore to decide how I want to spend the next year.  I like one-year arrangements because I own the company, but I have done longer deals with employers.

Should I continue writing my websites?  Change the model?  Launch short form video projects?  Do more speaking and seminars?  Write another book?

I factor in things like compensation, family and personal happiness and location.

I clear my mind of any prejudices I might have about what I did last year and face any fears of doing something completely unknown.

Within days I have a digital device full of notes and ideas and before the week is out I will either recommit to what I am doing, change some of it, change all of it or disrupt my career.

Avoiding getting stuck in a career and a life that has become monotonous is the goal.  I feel like I am actually taking charge of my life by going through this quite pleasant process every summer while vacationing.

Even for those of us with careers that are hard to leave – medicine or law come to mind – going through this process reinvigorates you when you consciously re-up for another year as your best chosen option.

I have more details on how to become a free agent in my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages in Chapter 10 (Career Chaos).

I’ve made the chapter available free for those interested – read it here.

Don’t try to change your partner.

It cannot be done no matter how hard you try.  So the best alternative is to accept the person you love unconditionally.

This does not mean that certain accommodations can be for the happiness of both parties.

1. Listen and learn – most people in life are more than content if they can get someone – anyone – to actually listen to them.  Often, listening is enough.  You can imagine why spouses and partners grow angry at their mates when they feel they are not being heard.
2. Better yet, reinforce what the other person is saying – meaning, if your spouse says we never have dinner together, work always interferes.  When you plan a dinner together, reinforce that you liked dining earlier with the person you love.  Don’t say, “You wanted me to come home early, so I did, are you happy?”
3. Give up control – controlling people ruins the lives of those around them and their own lives as well.  Try to just let go and see if it kills you.  It won’t, but you may feel a lot better.  Relationships thrive when they are free to grow.

Lots of books have been written and money spent on counseling to help couples improve their marriages.

Who knew that the free advice is the best advice?

Accept each other the way you are – no changes required.

Not maintaining a healthy weight.

Not exercising.

Not quitting smoking.

Doctors say these things do help.

But as amazing as it may seem, simply smiling adds years to our lives.

Researchers studied the smiles of 196 baseball players based on their pictures taken in 1952.  The non-smilers lived an average of 72.9 years.

But those who smiled lived to be 75 – almost three full years longer simply by smiling.

And those who were pictured with so-called Duchenne smiles which engage the muscles of both the mouth and the eyes lived an average of 79.9 years – almost 7 extra years by lightening up.

Being a sour puss robs us of valuable years.

Here’s the study – fascinating reading.

Since, as the song “Smiling Faces” reminds us, a smile is just a frown turned upside down, we now have the best motivation ever to permanently put a grin on our faces.

It’s not the amount of time, but the amount of you in that time.

A one-hour dinner with the family if you’ve had to text or talk to someone else in the middle of the meal is not as good as fewer minutes face-to-face with no distractions.

A day with your children is not necessarily better than just the two of you telling stories and sharing experiences for an hour at the end of the day.

A long meeting with associates is not more effective than a short meeting where everyone stands (not sits) and focuses 100% of attention on solving a specific problem then coming up with a plan of action.

Guilt about being busy is lessened to the extent that we can focus 100% of our attention on the people who are important in our lives.

It’s about quality not quantity.

Our lifelong search for how to become more efficient and reclaim lost hours is a vicious cycle.

We actually have all the time we need.

What is missing is putting more you into the time you have.

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Live each day like it is your last.

Or as Steve Jobs said in a commencement address to Stanford graduates in 2008:

“…For the past 33 years, I’ve looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, if today were the last day of my life would I want to do what I am about to do today.  And whenever the answer has been no for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

Jobs says remembering that we will be dead soon was the most important tool he could use to have the courage to make the big choices in life.

Fear of failure dissipates in the face of death.

It’s why a person who has conquered cancer lives the next portion of their lives so differently — as bravely as they fought the cancer itself.

As Jobs said, “Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life”.

Do the thing you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.

Feel with your heart.

Think with your mind.

Never stop dreaming.

For the fear of something to lose is an illusion.

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In 2012, 3,328 people died and another 421,000 people were injured in accidents involving distracted drivers.

I once asked for a show of hands among my USC college students for those who texted while they drove.  The laughter was loud and long.  Almost everyone does it.

Stupid question.

To take the cure, play this very short video from Volkswagen.

In it, a group of Hong Kong moviegoers are looking at a screen that puts them in the driver’s seat of a moving car.

Then, a mass text is sent to the audience simultaneously.

They reach for their phones, look down and … well, see for yourself.

I don’t think anyone could text and drive after seeing this.

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Yelling is as hurtful as hitting.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh and University of Michigan say that parents who yell at their adolescent children for doing something wrong cause the same problems as hitting them would.  The study included 976 two-parent families with children ages 13-14.

The recipients of this kind of verbal abuse tend to become more depressed and more aggressive as a result.

“Lazy” and “stupid” and other hurtful words even resonate if the parents have a warm loving relationship with their children otherwise.

The study also showed that yelling makes a person do the opposite of what they want.

45% of the participating mothers and 42% of the fathers said they had used harsh verbal discipline within the past year.  Almost everyone does it and few are proud of it.

Beyond teens, yelling has the same effect.

It’s abuse.

Better option:  take away privileges without the corresponding harsh language.

When you yell, it hurts the self-image of those you love, know or work with.

Making someone feel worthwhile instead of worthless is the more productive alternative.

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“I wish you well”.

Realize that everyone is struggling with something and silently wish them well when they say something mean, hurtful or devious.

You don’t have to like what they say or do, but you don’t have to let them bring out the bad side of you.

You get uplifted when you wish people well.

You get the benefit.

Doctors have mapped positive changes in the brain when you accentuate the positive side of your personality.

Do it often every day – to people you know, don’t know or live with.

It helps keep your energy up.

As you practice it becomes easier.

Stress Free Living author Amit Sood reminds us that there was a time in prehistoric days when the focus had to constantly be on outside threats (animals, being attacked). 

The world has changed.  We are no longer on threat-watch.

Our brains need to be rewired.

The simple phrase “I wish you well” said silently many times a day is how you rewire your brain for happiness.

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More research reinforces what we have come to know – that Jon Stewart’s Comedy Central news show is more credible than traditional news channels and journalists.

Is it a stretch to say Stewart is to this generation what Walter Cronkite was during the Kennedy assassination and Vietnam War days?

Why is this?

Fast-moving communications, an infinite number of news sources available to consumers and a fear of telling the truth because journalists and news organizations might be sued. 

Stewart does parody which insulates him against such lawsuits and yet in his comedic presentation of the day’s big stories, he manages to do something that has gotten lost lately.

He is credible because he is authentic.

And authenticity is the characteristic that younger people crave today.

Being the real deal is not hard to do.  It involves not being perfect, not always being right, but being human and having a sense of humor about yourself.

These qualities are the secret to success in news and important ways for all of us to gain the trust of those with whom we come in contact.

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That’s what happened to Mike and Lori Knar.

Their 11-year old son, Aden, was finally losing his long battle against leukemia.

He lived in hospitals, got sick on chemotherapy only to face the ultimate failure – no bone marrow donor.  Not even in his immediate family where most donors are found.

The last hope – last chance – was to create a Savior Child using in vitro to bring yet another child to the Knar family while using the placenta at birth to save Aden’s life.

But it cost money – lots of money for doctors, a surrogate, legal fees.  And it has to be raised in advance.

Then Sean Hannity came to the rescue and made a $10,000 donation.

Soon others came forward and raised over $20,000 toward the $75,000 needed to save their son’s life.  Ex-employers, employees, friends and people who have never met the Knar family made donations online and by check.

They were parents and that was enough.

This week, the Knar’s have received an appointment with doctors to proceed.

And Aden remains in the hospital watching his new buddy Sean Hannity on Fox News Channel – amazing how an 11-year old can be so mature.

The goodness of people should never be discounted even in a world of greed and self-absorption.

In times of need, good people step up and make things happen.  It’s never too late to donate online here or contact dad and mom here.

It’s hard to fire or ignore a person who lives these qualities.  They are the people who get raises and promotions.

Exceed expectations — If you do nothing else, always deliver more than you promise.  And delivery it early before it is expected.  This is easy with a little forethought.

Get along well with others — Today’s businesses seek disruption of the marketplace not disruption within their company.  They put a premium on people who “play well” with others.  Become an expert at human and interpersonal relationships.  This is the currency that translates into financial success.

Be a force for positivity — This does not mean saying yes when you mean no.  It means being conciliatory about disagreements, welcoming the ideas of others and illustrating to others how goals can be achieved.  Avoid nay saying at the office.

Never take sides — Or say anything even privately against another person.  Good teams work together.  They do not harbor animosity toward teammates.

Show humility—Don’t just sound humble, be humble.  The quality that no one can resist is humility as rarely as it is seen these days.

Share your success by publicly crediting others – Associates like working with people who can give public credit to their contributions.  The only thing holding you back is jealousy.

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The Los Angeles Kings hockey team won its second Stanley Cup in three years by cashing in on momentum.

Adversity is usually the tipping point for changing momentum.

The Kings had some key injuries a few months ago and seemed like a long shot to win another championship but they played through them gaining confidence.

Adversity presented another chance for the Kings to excel when they fell behind three games on the brink of elimination in a four game series only to comeback and win four straight to take it.

But then it always seemed they were coming from behind to pull off last minute victories on the way to the Cup.

Momentum is another word for unshakeable confidence. 

When we have it, we have it. 

When adversity strikes and we begin to doubt ourselves, then momentum turns into fear of failure.

You see it all the time in sports and everything else.  Lady Gaga was riding high until she wasn’t and that’s because her most recent album was not as good as previous material.

To get momentum on your side, welcome adversity because it is the chief catalyst to building confidence that seems to be unstoppable. 

And when you take a step back or get off your game, use a verbal IOU to get the feeling back.

Here is the key phrase.

I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

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Casey Kasem died on Father’s Day.

As Father’s Day approached, the iconic radio personality was in hospice care taken off all food and liquid and preparing for death.

Anyone who has had an experience with hospice knows what a special moment this can be.

But in the case of the warring Kasem family (wife vs. children of a previous marriage), life is uglier than death.

I’m not going to take sides because I don’t have all the information, but I’m feeling that somehow, some way, the battling survivors should have woken up and realized once and for all that Casey Kasem’s death is not all about them.

Whenever the courts get involved – even if there is reason – the family is creating or allowing a disrespectful death of a loved one.  Sometimes there is no choice.  Maybe this is one of those cases.  But Casey Kasem deserved better.

Call a truce – work together – handle differences better.

The man who was known for saying, “keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars” is speaking to them.

In the Kasem family that advice would come in handy.

For the rest of us, the death of a loved one is a painful reminder that passing from this world hopefully into a better place is not about us, it’s about them.

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Father’s Day was created as a compliment to Mother’s Day over 100 years ago.

Today, with virtual communication and Skype, almost every father can receive the greeting that he appreciates.

For those of us who have lost a father, Father’s Day can be a time for reflection and a remembrance of one of their good qualities.  My dad was a straight arrow as honest a man as I have ever known.  I’m going to take a moment Sunday to celebrate this unique man as he lives in my memory.

It’s not about dinners or parties – it can be, don’t get me wrong – but it doesn’t have to be a party or dinner day. 

A phone call.

An email, Skype or special Instagram.

Maybe simply saying in person or in a text why you love that person.

But the world is not always perfect and all fathers are not created equal.  Some folks suffer because of a relationship that they could not have with their father for whatever reason.

Bring joy into the lives of those you honor while they are still in your lives.

Take a moment and remember a quality that you like or respect about dad if he is no longer here.

And to the person who took the place of a father that was not worthy of your respect or absent from your life, take the day to show gratitude to the person who filled the void and made all the difference in the world.

Yes, it can even be mom.

By focusing attention in the present.

You can choose to be focused at this very moment.

A Harvard study reveals our mind is wandering 47% of the time.  It could be as high as 50-80% of the time.

If you’ve every started a book or article and don’t know what is in it, you are experiencing the default setting of the mind in which our mind wanders.  The mind is automatically distracted.

Choose to look for beauty around you.

Positive things.

People to appreciate.

Discovering something new – feel it, see it in color, smell.

Appreciating something old before it vanishes from our lives.

Humans are usually not thinking happy thoughts.

And we are less happy when our mind wanders.

Mind wandering can be good for some things such as channeling our creativity, but it is a place to visit and not live permanently.

For more happiness, try choosing to focus your mind this day and experience the difference.

Share with a friend ….

Adults text while driving more than teens.

Half of all surveyed in an AT&T poll admitted it versus only 43% of teens.

Worse yet, 98% of the adults surveyed admit that it’s wrong and they do it anyway.

Two big lessons here.

One, when we make assumptions (for example, that younger people text more than adults) we are going on bad information.

Two, we underestimate the failure of adults to take a positive role in the use of digital devices (i.e., texting while driving, use of cellphone in the presence of children at dinner, texting as distraction from child rearing, etc.).

There are about 10 million teen drivers and 180 million adult drivers.

I always said I’d rather be driving near a young person who is texting because their reactions times are quicker than adults.

That would be a wrong assumption – see how easy it is to go off bad information?

State Farm takes a safe driving course around to high schools and tests students’ ability to react while texting in an off-road test situation.

Not one of them has ever been able to stop their simulators in time to avoid a crash.

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The fast and free flow of information at our desks, on our screens and in the palm of our hands is advancing a new form of burnout.

Multitasking is not the answer.

Focused attention is.

But life along with personal and work commitments make it tough to put our great digital tools where they belong – as an aid not a lifestyle.

Some thoughts:

1. Take breaks more often – get up, walk around, get the blood circulating and refresh.
2. Spend at least one morning or afternoon each week on thinking and reflecting.  This world is too busy for most of us to take time to make decisions on that which we want unless time is put aside.
3. Take control of your email, texting and social media.  One sentence responses are often enough.  Not all mail needs to be answered and Twitter doesn’t own you – or at least, it shouldn’t.  Addictive habits pertaining to digital devices need an intervention only you can perform.
4. Schedule an escape from reality.  My escape is the beach or a fabulous paradise named Longwood Gardens in Kennett Square, PA.  A DuPont estate that has been turned into gardens and arboretums.  A cellphone automatically becomes only a camera on the long walks and discovery tours.
5. Give the same focused attention to people who are important in your life as you give to your Galaxy or iPhone.  In life only relationships really matter in the end.  No one dying says, wish I could have missed my children growing up more.  They regret it.

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I’ve been married more than once so you may want to skip my advice today.

Or, on the other hand you might value the lessons I’ve observed from people who have unusually good marriages.

1. It is not necessary for you and your partner to be the same or agree on everything.  In fact, diversity is the spice of many marriages.  The only thing you need to agree on is shared values.
2. There are no male or female roles.  That world thankfully has ended.  Doing 50% of the everyday work is always the goal.  It doesn’t matter who cooks, mows the lawn or changes the diapers.  If there is relationship work to do, people with great marriages dive in and do it.
3. Pursue a sense of adventure.  Most of life is lived at work or home.  The other element is going on small adventures together.  I’m not talking about a vacation (although that qualifies), but little things like the search for new flowers to plant in front of your house or finding a new place to have a latte.  Or, joining a group together to help others.
4. Encourage do not discourage dreams.  Tomorrow’s reality is today’s dream.  When we lose our ability to keep dreaming together we consign ourselves to a relationship so predictable that is has worn out its usefulness.
5. Work on your marriage as if it were your career.  Few couples do that.  That’s why we keep looking for love in all the wrong places when it is right there in front of us.
6. Formalize the gratitude you have for each other.  Many couples have a hard time with the words “thank you” – perhaps you’ve noticed.  “Thank you” is good but finding a time each day – maybe when you’re grabbing coffee and something to eat in the morning – to tell your mate why you are grateful that they are in your life.  Make it real.  Leave the corn for the cornflakes.
7. See your children as a work of art – a creative process involving their individuality and the positive influence of your relationship together.  Always keep marveling at what the end result will be when you drop them off at college.
8. The road to a good marriage is always under construction.  It is a work in progress and never a final destination.

People leave relationships because others give them the things they wish they had with their partner.

Researchers have determined that the chemical in our brain that keeps us on the high we feel when we first meet our life’s partner never last more than two years.

It doesn’t mean that we can no longer be attracted or in love.

It means we need a Plan B for the rest of our lives together to grow a deeper love.

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