We all have some form of attention deficit whether diagnosed or not.

Our world is full of distractions as life has amped up to a faster pace driven by the immediate gratification of having the world (and our digital devices) in our hands.

When we phone life in by being partially present, we are giving away valuable time we can never get back.

One way to become more focused in this immediate climate is to put a finite number on the value of our time.

For instance, if your son or daughter is 15, they have fewer than 150 weeks before they go to college.  Remembering that will change the way you spend your time together.

If you see your parents once a year, keep focused that if they live to be 83 and they are 75 today, you may have only 8 more years to be in each other’s company.  Thinking about this helps you make the right decision about how to spend that time together.

I heard the story of a man who because of an accident was in traction in the hospital and rehab for six weeks.  That’s six weeks of agonizing confinement for an active person.  By figuring out how much 6 weeks was out of his expected lifetime, it put the inconvenience into perspective and made the experience more bearable.

We will never regret sending more text messages.

Why regret letting the happy moments that can be ours slip away if we will only just put in perspective how precious they are.

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Everything seems to be effortless in the beginning of a new relationship.

With the passage of time things tend to change but it does not necessarily mean you don’t love your partner as much as you once did. 

To fall in love all over again may be as simple as doing new things.

Routines can be good.  They help us get through our busy days, but when relationships suffer because they are routine, it’s time to shake it up.

• When returning home at day’s end, think of it as you returning after being apart a week or so.  Greet him or her with genuine anticipation that usually comes naturally after a long absence.
• Every time you do something routine (make dinner, watch TV, drive to Granny’s house, for example), add one new element in.  Make a new salad together one day.  Make popcorn with flavored seasoning on the popcorn while watching your favorite program.  Each person bring a mix of music that you think your spouse will like and play it on the way over.
• Come up with what you are grateful for while having coffee together at the beginning of the day and celebrate each other’s victories (large and small) together at the end of the day.

Couples usually get this right in the early stages.  This is how to rekindle it when the necessary routine of life dampens the spirit.

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Digital devices are not going away.

But friends are going to be harder to keep and family harder to keep close if those close to us do not get the same focused attention that a cellphone gets.

This is easier to see on someone else.

Watch how we stare with fixed focus at our cellphone screens – even if we have attention deficit.  Note how difficult it is to get a cellphone user who is texting to look up while they are in the process of pounding out the message.

In Philadelphia a few weeks ago, a teenager was hit by a train while walking along the tracks as he was texting on his phone. 

Even with the engineer blowing the whistle constantly and the screech of jamming on the breaks. 

True story.

Your cellphone has just taught you the secret to unlocking more productive relationships with others.

Focus attention on people the same way you stay riveted to a text message, email or an app.

Digital devices are tools – not a way of life. 

But they are altering relationships – and not necessarily for the better.  To fix the problem, you won’t have to look very far.

Don’t give up using your digital devices.

Just give people the same focus you give your cellphone.

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This one thing makes you more powerful than money, status or even luck.

When I was studying communication in college, there were the “obvious” choices for “most likely to succeed” and then some who you could never imagine ever becoming successful.

Wrong.

The “most likely to” had no lock on future success but no one was able to know the depth of desire that would drive the least apparent candidates to ultimately succeed.

As a professor at The University of Southern California I warned students to be the voice of encouragement. 

Make that belief palpable.  They would feel great about themselves and make the best investment in their futures by being a force for change.  And it’s the ultimate networking.

Start today.

Show endless encouragement in words and actions.

Bet on others not against them.

The payoffs are immediate.

And yes, start with yourself.

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On a typical day a person visits 40 different websites.

Shares 77 instant messages.

Focusing on each average website page for only about 20 seconds.

The new computer you will buy will have more memory and a faster chip than your present one.

You expect your high-speed Internet service to be faster.

You probably text in the car and maybe even while driving.

The average teenager sends 4,000 text messages a month and that figure grows by 300 each subsequent year.

Increasingly we are skimming through life with no time to stop and smell the coffee.

One way to make a dent in stress that is either caused by us or by the fast-paced world we live in is to prioritize.

1. Stop multitasking – why add more stress.  Choose what is important then focus 100% of your attention on it.  Don’t do everything.
2. When a person is important to us, they deserve 100% of our attention when we are talking to them (this applies to children as well).
3. Try sending fewer text messages that are better.  Fewer tweets that are more meaningful or creative. 
4. Designate screen time and face time.  Some schools recommend this to help children cope with the stresses of digital life.  Too bad their parents often set a poor example.
5. A thermometer takes our temperature.  Take a reading of your stress levels often during the day.  If it feels high, do less – feel more, focus attention and prioritize.

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Once we make important decisions about relationships, careers and how we want to live our lives, we tend to remain stuck to these decisions even if they are not working out for us.

That’s why we are almost always so surprised to see that getting fired in the career we chose can frequently lead to a more rewarding career in some other pursuit.

In other words, we become glued to our positions.

Our egos are on the line.  We don’t want to reevaluate important decisions we have made because in effect doing so is a rejection of our own ego.

It’s actually the other way around.

Attack your decisions – rethink and reevaluate them based on changes in circumstance or growth within yourself.

Because when you can break the chain of being bound to what you may have previously decided that no longer applies, you either chart a new path or reaffirm the one you are on.

There is no benefit to blindly live by life’s decisions that may have been made under different circumstances.

What matters is what decision do you want to make now.

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Anger is so destructive.

The person who has the anger melts down and becomes a person that he or she may not really want to be while the person this anger is directed at is hurt by it.

To let go of anger see it as a gift to yourself.

Why let another person hold you hostage and stimulate your anger in return?  Because that is what is going to happen as you react, defend and sometimes even strike back.

As difficult as this can be, there is a way to begin.

Try to see the anger spewing from another in a more compassionate way.  For example:  “She must really be at war within herself to alienate me and those she loves in this hurtful way”.

That one act of compassion – if you can muster it – allows you to step back and see the pain the angry person is inflicting on themselves not just you.

Forgiveness also works and keep in mind that forgiving does not mean forgetting.  It means moving on with your life even if the other person is stuck on their anger.

For me nothing helps dealing with the misappropriated anger of another better than reminding myself that I will not let my life be hijacked by the unresolved issues of another person.

I feel sorry for them and feel grateful that I can immediately move on with life.

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A recent article in The New York Times about “The Found Art of Thank You Notes” focused on how the printed thank you is coming back into vogue.

Jimmy Fallon writes thank you notes out on camera as a comedy bit for his late night show, but even younger Millennials are rediscovering this “new” tool they can get down with.

Nothing stops a person from texting gratitude or emailing it.  Or picking up the phone.

But writing a “thank you” and sending it through the mail has its advantages, too.  First, it’s more likely to be viewed, reviewed or saved so your gratitude goes a longer way.

And by writing out the note and concentrating on penmanship, you are training your brain to focus attention on the present that has medical value to you, the sender.

I have a friend who shared his secret with me and I would like to share it with you.

He purchased cards for every occasion from congratulations and birthdays to get well and sympathy.  They were stored in a drawer in his desk.  When he had the occasion to send a message, he opened the drawer, pulled out the proper greeting card and scribbled a note (and I do mean scribble although I value each and every one of the notes I was fortunate enough to receive).

The secret is that you must have the notes available to follow through on your good deed otherwise it is just another good intention gone astray.

I have followed his lead and have a drawer full of cards, but I also use digital means to say thanks.

Texting is one of my favorites because it is immediate – and the best text is one that shows a picture of that which you are grateful for where applicable.

A 20-year old quoted in The Times article said it all:

“Like a lot of people in my generation, I might think ‘Oh, just send them a text.’  But I actually enjoyed writing the notes because in the process of opening a note, feeling the paper, seeing the imperfection of the writing, reading the message in another person’s voice, you actually feel like you have a piece of that person in your hand”.

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Fred Rogers, Mister Rogers to generations of children who watched his PBS show “Mister Rogers Neighborhood” was a kind man.

When he accepted his Lifetime Achievement Award during the 1997 Emmys, Fred Rogers brought tears to the eyes of many in attendance.  Performers who had likely never seen or heard an acceptance speech like his.

He said:  “All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take along with me ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are.  Those who have cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life”.

Rogers then asked for ten seconds of silence and said “I’ll watch the time” as he stared at his wristwatch as dead air ensued.

In this most remarkable “acceptance” speech for any television performer, Fred Rogers added “whomever you’ve been thinking about, how pleased they must be to know the difference you feel they’ve made”.

I must confess, this plea was too irresistible to pass up.

Who cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life?

If they are still alive, tell them.  If not honor their memory.

This kind of gratitude is transformational.

Here is the Fred Rogers video.

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I was fired once for falling asleep while I was playing music on a radio station in Philadelphia during the overnight hours. 

I was a college student who, I guess, needed a bit more sleep.

After a few months of unemployment, I got my break in television at the ripe old age of 19.

Another time an employer fired me because he didn’t think I was in love with his new on-air programming ideas – he was right, but years later this unstable radio executive, an amateur pilot, took his wife up in his plane, fatally shot her and crashed the plane to kill himself.  He left children behind.

And through it all, I did just fine.

Great jobs even to this day.

Our careers have ups and downs.  Even Steve Jobs was fired by the man he personally recruited to run Apple and the company he founded.

Humiliating to say the least until he returned to achieve even more the second time around.

Fear of losing a job is a self-destructive thought.  If you want to fear anything, be afraid of not giving more than 100% in your career.

You can control that, but you can’t control whatever circumstances could lead to your dismissal.

Save for a rainy day – and that is a lot harder than it sounds.  Accept that even great people sometimes work for not so great people and it often ends in career chaos.

Every successful person has experienced unemployment at least once, often more than once.

Control what you can control – your professional attitude and work ethic.

Fear of the uncontrollable is often a self-fulfilling prophecy so avoid it.

More great careers have been launched or restarted after suffering from the loss of a job – the thought that is worth remembering every day.

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Pretend that you haven’t seen your spouse in years – not as if you just saw him or her when you left for work 8 hours ago.

Take ten seconds before you greet your family – before you open the door and walk into the room.

When you try these two things – the response will be amazing and addictive.

When you haven’t seen a person for a long time – maybe even years – recall how you felt and how they responded to you.

If they are hurting, be compassionate.

If they want to talk with you, listen with 100% attention.

If they feel down, help lift them up.

When you try this, you may be well intended but the other person may be distracted by screens or multitasking so be patient and flexible.

Nothing changes things more than a person’s ability to appreciate the ones close to them as if they hadn’t seen them for a long time.  In this way, you will enjoy loved ones without regrets and feel powerful in a good way.

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Stress isn’t always your fault. 

More than a 40-hour workweek.  Balancing family with work.  The constant barrage of digital distraction.  No time to think or refresh. 

It is never too late to retrain your brain.  Our brains adjust to every new thought and experience. 

If companies can “right-size”, we can “right-wire”.

The Mayo Clinic Stress program proves it.  If a loved one baked your favorite chocolate chip cookies but hid them from you for your own protection (so you don’t eat them all at once), but you found the stash – will you be able to find the cookie jar again?

If your answer was yes, you have the ability to form new memories.

To be honest, it isn’t easy distressing in an increasingly stressful world, but we have the amazing ability to protect ourselves against stress and make our lives happier.

A vacation is one example, but when we return we to return to stress.

What if we returned but protected ourselves against the stressors around us.

In other words, return from vacation to take a vacation from stress.

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This is both funny and sad at the same time.

A bride checking her cellphone in the middle of her wedding ceremony — caught on YouTube.  And it’s no joke.

Look at the face of the dismayed husband to be.  Could he be worried about the wedding night as well?  Let’s not even go there.

Even if you do not abuse texting and social media connections, you can be sure there are people around you who do.

We can read “how to” books on happiness but it’s harder to be happy when these great digital tools we have take over our lives.

I was driving on Interstate 295 in New Jersey today in rush hour traffic observing many drivers face down into their cellphones while going 55 to 65 miles per hour.

Do not reject digital technology.

Take control of it.

• Set limits on when and where you will make and accept text messages, emails or social media connections.  And stick to it.
• Ban digital from dinner, have face time with people important to you and private moments away from digital availability.
• Focus on faces – look into the eyes of those you are with. 
• New rule:  anyone who is worthy of your time, gets 100% of your focus without distraction.  You decide who is worth this attention.  You can always catch up with your digital life later.  Maybe parents should rethink checking their cellphones at dinner with their children.

Just as the best marriages have togetherness and time apart in some kind of balance, our digital lives get better when we work at spending time away from devices.

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It’s no secret that people are less happy when their minds are all over the place than when they focus on living in the present.

Nothing – not even thinking pleasant thoughts about happy times – is more effective than doubling down on what you are doing right now at this very moment.

Living in the now is all well and good but it seems a lot harder to do on a regular basis in a world that is as distracted as ours.

One workaround is to stay busy and focused on something that is meaningful.  It doesn’t have to be major, just meaningful.

There are pills, potions, psychologists and psychiatrists to cheer up an unhappy mind, but a cheaper and more effective way to get a head start is to …

• Avoid living in the past – just visit there to learn so history does not repeat itself.  Once the visit to the past is over immediately return to the present.
• Avoid spending too much time in the future – go there to plan but keep in mind that the only real satisfaction comes from today – now.
• Worries are disturbing thoughts about the future – keep in mind that 99% of what we worry about will never come true and the 1% that does happens in a way different than we feared.

When we get ruminations under control whether past or present, we accomplish what previously may have been so elusive to happily dwell in the present.

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Gratitude and compassion.

No matter how hard you try to live a more meaningful, less stressful life, your most effective go-to weapons are gratitude and compassion.

Gratitude changes the way you are — even in adverse situations.  Change your internal wiring now to focus on being grateful.  Especially for things that most of us would never be all that grateful for.

Like the flu.

The flu will pass after it makes us miserable for a week, but the cancer a young boy or woman must fight is so much more serious than the flu, as much as we hate it. Therefore we can even be grateful for the flu.

When we work hard to find something to be grateful for in almost every situation, we are transformed.

The other fail-safe weapon is compassion.

We have a choice.

We can overreact to the anxiety that others direct our way or we could take a second and channel some much-needed compassion.

“It must be awful for her to have to be so nasty to her friends – she must be hurting”.

This is everything.

Two strategies that you can rehearse over and over again in daily life that will never disappoint.

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Millennials, born 1977-1996, are the most stressed generation of all. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s 5.4.

Baby Boomers, born from 1946 to 1964 are the least stressed but not by all that much.

The national average is 4.9 according to research from The American Psychological Association.

Our digital lifestyle and fast paced living helps contribute to stress and underemployment, unemployment, complicated relationships and anxiety over college loan debt.

Our bodies and minds are human, as Popeye used to say, “that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more” so we’re all looking for relief.

Here are the best and most solid ways to do more than just put a Band-Aid on stress:

• Gratitude – Constantly recognize in real time your gifts.  Don’t wait until you lose them.
• Let go of that which you cannot control – I find this the most freeing thing I can do.  Take the leap.  You’ll live — with less stress.
• See the big picture – The most that stress can do is distract us from that which really matters to our happiness.  Never take your eyes off of the big picture.  Doing this reduces the noise that results from the anxiety of others.
• Forgive your enemies – and avoid the useless drama that stresses us out.  Try to have compassion for people who have to always make it about them, but don’t play into it.

If you are serious about putting a stop-loss on stress, rotate the above four concepts and see the difference.

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1. All dinners are to be enjoyed with cellphones turned off – including yours.
2. The family eats at least one meal – preferably dinner – together every day.
3. For every update of a social media site such as Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, commit to some type of equal and opposite contact with a real live person in your life.
4. Replace connecting with nurturing – this is how the human spirit is raised and how we feel fulfilled in our relationships.  It’s not how many contacts we make, it’s how authentic they are.
5. Do not reject technology – use it as the great tool of our generation – but do not immerse yourself into a digital lifestyle at the expense of in person contact.
6. When you are in the presence of another person, give them 100% of your attention.

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The fastest and most effective way not to play in to someone else’s drama is to postpone judging what you hear when they are speaking (or overreacting).

People who obsessively focus on themselves and their wants, needs and lives react instead of respond and who incite that special part of our brain that makes us do the exact same thing.

We are then held hostage by a person who is out of control.

When someone challenges you, think to yourself “It must feel awful to be that unsure of yourself”.  Or if a person makes it all about them, think “This poor soul is really needy.  I don’t like it when I feel needy”.

That’s when freedom comes.

Freedom from the histrionics of others, from disturbing and hurtful exchanges of text messages, emails or thoughts. 

When the conversation is all about the other person, postpone judgment on what they are saying – even if only for one second if that is all you can muster – and decide to relate to what is making the other person beg for such attention.

Do this and you are less likely to be drawn into selfish exchanges that ruin relationships.

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The average teenager texts more than 3,400 times each month.

And that figure is from 2011.

Up 300 alone from 2010.

Parents can’t point the finger of blame because as with everything else, they are teaching their children by example how to abuse digital devices.  In fact, research shows more adults than teenagers text while driving– a bad example to set for sure.

The average time we spend on a website is 20 seconds and the average number of websites a day that we visit is 40.

We are all living drive-by lives.

Things are so bad that Dr. Amit Sood, the physician who runs the stress program at Mayo Clinic says he attended a conference of meditation instructors where more than half were scrolling through emails and surfing the web during presentations.

This is insane.

The solution is to focus attention on the now.

No one is going to give up their digital devices but making them tools instead of a destructive lifestyle is our present day challenge.

Commit to focusing attention on what you are doing presently without distraction.

It’s a good way to bring balance back to your life and to teach those around you how to participate in life not just skate past it.

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When you’re out of work, can’t find a new job and the prospects look slim, it is easy to give up hope.

When you are still searching for that one soulmate with whom to share your life but you keep meeting the same person again and again, it’s understandable to become discouraged.

If you’ve been disappointed by someone close to you and feel this type of thing is happening too much, it is perfectly normal to want to throw the towel in.

We become depressed, forlorn and disheartened for good reasons.

But before you give up, try this one last thing.

Think like a champion.

In sports, players never walk off the field and say, this is getting to be too much.  They persist even if the loss they are enduring is discouraging and embarrassing.

Sleep it off, learn from mistakes and try again tomorrow.

For how long should you keep coming back to try again?

For as long as it takes to attain what you are seeking.

I am always most motivated by the thought that we learn more from failure than success so when you are on a losing streak, try to remember that you are practicing for your next success which will come in time.

Like sports, success is a game of averages. 

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