Change is a funny thing.
Most of us say we want it, maybe even expect it but change is upsetting and we often wind up fearing it.
But “better” is more compelling than “change”. Who doesn’t want better?
If we see our daily lives as evolving instead of changing, we will become more open to the disruptions that even positive change can bring.
Change is scary.
Remaining the same is dangerous.
Striving for better is how we evolve into the fascinating people we really are.
One of my NYU students who is also seeking to master skills of human relations borrowed one from Dale Carnegie the other day – “Begin with praise and honest appreciation” of others.
That’s a good one for ourselves as well.
We are exposed to criticism all day long – some blatant, some subtle.
It’s also not a bad thing to be able to praise and appreciate yourself as an instant confidence boost.
It’s nice to have someone else point out your good points, but sometimes that can be a long wait.
Be proud to recognize the good in you when you see it.
The one thing about anxiety is that it creates more anxiety.
It’s almost as if what you’re worried about is not as important as how it speeds up the worry process.
Anxious people are obsessed with their worries. Any worries. All worries.
Slow is the friend of stressed out people. They just don’t realize it.
Become aware of what happens when you change the pace of how you look at things.
Even little irritations can’t drive us crazy.
The secret is you can’t hurry up and calm down.
Slow down and get immediate relief.
Parents now spend only 5 hours communicating face-to-face with their children per week.
TV, too much time in their rooms and their phones are among the reasons for the worsening disconnect.
This is forcing concerned parents to change.
Learning to play the popular video game Fortnite (yes, 20% in the Cadbury Hereos survey admitted to it).
39% are becoming more involved in their children’s hobbies.
33% have taken an interest in their child’s music – listening to their favorite bands and artists.
But mobile devices are a bad excuse for absentee parenting because many of these parents are setting a bad example by outsourcing their relationships to digital devices.
To reconnect, it’s not necessary to disconnect.
Simply connect with lots of face time and person-centered interest.
The phone is a tool, making it your life is for fools.
When something goes wrong, most of us have no problem quickly assigning the blame to who (other than us) is responsible.
When something goes right, it is often welcomed with surprise.
You don’t play sports by being surprised if you win because you won’t win unless you believe it first.
If you can quickly name who ruined your dream then you likely gave that person too much control over your life.
Why is it that blame comes easily and success comes surprisingly?
To be happy, expect to win and when you lose, expect to win the next time.
B.J. Fogg has a bestselling book titled Tiny Habits in which motivation, ability and prompt (the opportunity) are described as the best ways to make changes.
We’ve been warned with the age-old Chinese saying “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but we rarely use that wisdom as the basis for getting things done.
In short, if you have the ability, motivation and opportunity, take one small step toward that which you want to accomplish.
Change your mindset.
Stop trying to conquer the world.
Start taking small steps in the right direction.
The idea that little things can be easily accomplished is a big thing.
I was sharing with my students last week the benefits of failing.
No matter how you cherish the friendship of others, the best friendship is the one you develop with yourself.
Can you count on you?
Do you know what values you stand for?
Do you outsource your enthusiasm for success to others or generate your own?
Do you love yourself for all the good things you are (can you rattle off a list of ten of them right now)?
Are you always there for you even when you’re hurting or when you’re confused?
The very traits we value so much in a special friend should be readily available in ourselves.
If we can’t be our own best friend, why would someone else want to be?
It’s texting – at least among teens (up from 32% in 2012 to 35% 2018). Probably higher today as it has been trending upward.
In-person communication has paid the price for texting – down 49% to 32% in the same period.
Social media (16%) and video chatting (10%) are also on the rise.
The only means of communication that is declining is in-person.
Depression comes from lack of interpersonal relationships.
The phone is a convenient tool but also a great addiction. To avoid the downside of too much connectivity, set aside times for meals, bedtime, homework (for students) and social interactions to silence devices.
Did you know that Spotify and Comcast have streaming music for your pets?
It turns out that pets are stressed by their owners because stress is absolutely the malady of the digital age.
On Spotify you can set up your pet channel, post a picture and let them chill out to music while you’re away which is the major way these channels are used. Comcast uses images, colors and music to soothe the anxious pets. No hip-hop and classic rock here. They seem to prefer Beethoven and soft rock.
When pets are getting stressed out by their owners, it is past the time for us to rethink the role of instant access, social media and streaming video in our lives.
Two months before entering first grade, my father had a massive heart attack.
From that moment on, I learned that I had to take care of him, my mother and later in life everyone else.
Caregivers know the feeling I’m describing.
Pouring your last ounce of physical and emotional energy into saving someone else.
Just as important is to learn to take care of yourself – your needs, emotions and priorities.
That sense of duty toward others also applies to us.
Believing in yourself is not a feeling.
It’s a decision.
Waiting to feel confident enough to live life, pursue careers, enter relationships and deal with adversity is a sure way to never be ready.
It comes down to betting on yourself.
Are you ready to decide to believe in your abilities, motivation and skills or are you going to wait until you feel it?
If you’re not willing to bet on you, how can it be expected for someone else to provide that which you will not?
The first person to believe in you must be you.
If someone is jealous of you, you already won.
Don’t blow it by being jealous of them.
Jealousy kills relationships, self-confidence and trust.
Take the victory and move on.
The most powerful way to interact with others is to ask questions but that is not how we do it.
We more often talk about what we think, what we know and what we feel and totally miss the opportunity to learn and gauge the emotions of those around us.
I worked for a person in broadcasting who constantly questioned me on the latest rumors in the radio industry even though he was more connected to it than I was.
I finally said, “Why do you always ask me about the things you already know?” and he answered, “that’s how I learn more about the industry and about you”.
Asking open ended questions instead of making statements is a skill worth acquiring.
P.S., it works with children, too.
More bad relationships are started by doing the reverse – thinking with your heart and not your head.
Feeling with your head is also the reverse of what works best.
To make the best decisions think with your head, feel with your heart – not the other way around.
My mother used to prepare the same basic Italian meals – needless to say Sunday and Wednesday were pasta days.
Occasionally she would vary. Fish on Friday. Special menu for holidays, birthdays and events.
When I programmed radio stations, we played the most popular hits in a tight rotation over and over again making sure that the most popular songs were being played.
There are things in our lives that make it special – routines, things that always bring us joy.
Rotate life’s greatest hits to make you happy and make it possible to endure all those not so nice things that we have to deal with.
Don’t postpone joy – put it on repeat so it can play over and over again.
It amazes me how many college students doubt themselves before doing projects, papers, discussions and even internships.
And they may be young and full of potential but they are not the only people who doubt themselves.
The last person to bet against you should be you.
It’s far better to assume you will win and banish every thought of failing.
Imagine if a football team took the field and said, “I’m worried about winning this game”. Bingo. Right there, they lose.
We do the same thing by placing a bet on self-doubt instead of self-confidence.
You’ll win. Period.
If you don’t, you’ll learn and win like that.
The next time you try anything, never bet against the most important person in your life – you.
I was shy growing up – so much so that my teachers told my parents to force me to join a theater group to get over it (obviously I protested).
Although I went on to a career on-air in radio and television, teaching and public speaking, I never got over it. In many ways, I’m still shy and I’m sticking to it.
Sometimes there is an outgoing me and sometimes a private me.
It’s possible to learn how to be bigger, become more outgoing when necessary and even perform in public.
One of my favorite things to do is start a conversation face-to-face with someone I don’t know.
That allows me to channel my “shy” at the same time proving that I can “be bigger” when it is appropriate.
A loud mouth is not better than a wallflower.
It is far better to be many things when needed than all things that are never needed.
It’s not about us – it’s about them.
Self-absorption is not new. It’s been around forever.
The one way to guarantee to make more people like you without having to be someone you are not is to talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Ask questions.
When was the last time someone asked you questions about how you are doing or feeling or about you thoughts and opinions? And then actually listened without chiming in with their input.
This approach gives you great power to make people crave being with you rather than trying to impress them or win them to your way of thinking.
Then watch … more often than not, they will ask about you.
The power to make friends by being a good listener.
Millennials and Gen Z both agree that worrying about the future is the biggest problem they face and it’s certainly not limited to this age group.
51% of 13-17 year-olds and 46% of 18-36 year-olds tell researchers at YPulse something catastrophic will happen in the next five years.
Worry is useless.
Most things we worry about never happen and what few do are not exactly as we feared them.
There is fear thought and there is forethought.
Forethought is thinking about how to manage fears, lower expectations.
One way to change the way you look at worry is to write down your fears every time you have (or obsess) about them. A month later, see the price you paid for worrying about a fear that feels real but statistically does not have a great chance of happening.
Or as Dale Carnegie called worry – sawing sawdust.