I have a friend who always thinks the worst thing is going to happen to him.

He cannot even enjoy his successes.

Self-sabotage is lowering the bar so low that it becomes easier to succeed.

But my friend never enjoys his victories.

I’ve known him for a long time and in college he always thought he failed the test but was frequently the one who got the A.

Attacking yourself – and that’s what self-sabotage really is – is not how to live a happy and successful life.

If it’s worth your time, it’s worth your positive energy and hard work.

Whatever happens happens but you’ve done your best.

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Why is it that we criticize ourselves often worse than someone else could?

Does expecting the worst make it easier if things don’t work out?

Or is being overly optimistic just as dangerous because you’re flirting with a potentially bigger letdown if you don’t meet or exceed expectations?

Keeping expectations low and within reason and motivation high is the winning formula.

Expect the worst and you’ll likely get it.

Expect success and you’ll often be disappointed.

But expect the best possible effort that you can muster – that’s a winning plan.

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When a student tells their parents “I got 4 A’s and a B”, often the first response is “what did you get the B in?”  Not tell me about your report card.

For every “I got the promotion”, often the first comment is “how much more does it pay?” not “that’s great news – tell me about it.”

“I’m a finalist” often evokes “who else are you competing against and/or what are your chances?” instead of a simple and enthusiastic “congratulations – well done”.

The default setting is increasingly negative.

Lifting up and not running down is positive enforcement.

You want to be the person doing all the “lifting”.

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Doubts mean absolutely nothing – unless you listen to them.

Doubts are excuses to fear the future and make a case for why something will not turn out right.

Happy, successful people don’t allow themselves to harbor doubts.

Their language does not include “can’t” or “won’t” because doubting yourself is like shooting yourself in the foot before the race begins.

To overcome doubts, eliminate them from every aspect of life and give yourself a better chance to succeed.

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If you don’t, how can you expect anyone else to?

Failure to do so means you are outsourcing what you believe to be true to someone else who can never be in your shoes.

The hardest thing to do especially when the stakes get higher is to trust your instincts but it should be the other way around.  It should be easy, second-nature, automatic.

Your instincts are your inner gift – pay attention, empower and trust your inner wisdom.

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A recent article in The New York Times “The Best Deal Is What You Give Away” was written by a woman recalling her childhood and the time her father wanted to sell his car, a 1978 Chrysler LeBaron.

The father wanted $1,000 but he looked to his daughter as a “de facto adviser” and the daughter recommended he charge a higher price — $1,200.

In the end the buyer showed up with his two daughters and peeled off $1,200 in hundred dollar bills.  The father hesitated to pocket the money and eventually handed $200 back to the buyer and said “Please, you must take your daughters to Disneyland and buy them whatever they want”.  The man was “confused” but eventually acceded to the seller’s demand.

And therein was a powerful lesson I share today:

“When you have what you need, use the rest to bring joy into someone else’s life.  That is the best deal you could ever make.”

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Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin has his hands full this football season.

Lost his quarterback to injury, the drama of losing star player Antonio Brown and an 0-3 start to the NFL season.  And the recent helmet swing attack on the Steelers quarterback.

When he coached the players back to .500 Tomlin won kudos from them for his ability to motivate his players and get the best out of them in a trying situation.

His players admired his consistency day by day.

Working our way through adversity takes strength of mind – accepting the disadvantages we must accept, dealing with them all the while maintaining positivity and some standard to succeed once again.

Out of bad comes good.

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So, here is how I remember my mother who I miss every day and even more so on family holidays.

I make one of her favorite recipes (not as good as she could but still..) and just smelling the garlic (after all, she was Italian), makes me smile and feel her presence.

The fond memories and love we have for those who are no longer with us can be brought to life with a picture prominently placed, a story lovingly told or a meal in their memory.

It’s not just food, it can be taking the time to remember joy not just loss.

Even death isn’t going to kill my happy memories of those family and friends who have been lost too soon and remembering is as easy as happily recalling them into our present lives.

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Be the one to speak up in front everyone else and say, “Thank you for making this Thanksgiving dinner so wonderful”.

If someone is preparing the meal, they will be moved to tears.

If your host is taking your family to dinner, they will be speechless to hear the praise that usually goes without saying but is more meaningful when someone steps up and puts it into words.

It should be simple.  Thanksgiving is about thanks.  When everyone is gathered together, offer praise and appreciation and you will set the tone for a very happy, meaningful meal together.

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There is a new study that shows physicians now spend only 12% of their time making eye contact with their patients.  That’s a mere 12 seconds out of each minute actually focused looking into the patient’s eyes.

The other 88% of their time is spent with electronic medical records.

This is probably close to the way laypeople spend their time – 12% looking or focused on another and 88% distracted by things such as phones, technology, etc.

So, to be a better person – one who wins friends, makes others feel happy and to reap the reward of sincere appreciation – all we have to do is stretch that number to, say, 30 seconds of eye contact per minute or more.

No courses are needed.  No special training.  No inspirational talks.

The evidence is in, starting today it is up to us.

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8 in 10 Millennials don’t feel they are good enough according to a just released study in the UK.

They feel overwhelmed and are suffering the anxiety and mental problems that go along with it.

6 in 10 say society’s expectations are too high.

Non-Millennials are likely to feel the same way as they are letting their connectivity to the internet and social media adversely affect their lives.

Being “good enough” starts with conviction.

My advantages outweigh my disadvantages even if I feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated.

I will get off my own case – criticizing yourself never leads to good self-esteem. 

Stress causes a lack of confidence and lack of confidence causes stress.

I will temper society’s perceived expectations of me and get in touch with what I really want. 

I will own my own happiness – not look to other people or diversions to provide it.

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Holidays should be like the Hallmark cable channel with a happy ending.  Thanksgiving should be the fantasy of family coming together and celebrating.

Often real life isn’t like that.

There are family hurts, disruption and even animosity when loved ones come together.

We can’t change our family but we can expand the definition.

A best friend doesn’t have to be a blood relative.  A trusted person may have different DNA.  The definition of family can be wider than those sharing the same genetics.  They can even have four legs.

For every heartbreak, there can be the wonder of people who have happened into our lives but are not unnoticed and this is always a cause for celebration.

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Most of us worry about basically the same things and then repeat and obsess over them and multiple the worry until it takes over our lives.

In the headline I suggested that there is an effective way to have fewer worries almost immediately.

Isolate one thing, don’t multiple it until it becomes too big to handle.

There are many ways to deal with worries but even before you apply those proven solutions, make the cut down to one worry per situation not many grown out of obsession and then you’re ready to tackle them.

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It may feel good.  It may be irresistible but it is a total waste of time.

Letting go brings greater benefits.

The damage is done, why continue to waste your time getting back at someone who hurt you.

Not one minute of time spent on getting even is worth it.

The winner is the person who escapes.

Confucius said “To be wronged or robbed is nothing unless you continue to remember it.”

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Anyone can make a big thing of their successes – it feels good and is well earned.

But real gains come from learning from your failures – the big ones, the disappointments, even the little irritations.

This is why I tell my college students …

Show me a person who has failed several times and who is sticking with it and I will show you the next success. Bet on them!

Hitting it out of the park feels great, but learning from mistakes with an attitude of anticipation and confidence usually pays off bigger returns.

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Get out of your own head and bring a smile to someone else.

Think every day how you can please someone else – bring a smile to their face, make them happy, lift them up.

In doing so, you will be curing the blues and improving your mood.

The more we obsess, the worse it gets.

The more we focus on uplifting others, the happier we are.

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That’s the title of a current hit song called “Truth Hurts” by the artist Lizzo.

It’s not about texting but makes a great point about it.

Tell it straight to my face. 

That’s a workaround for spending too much time on our digital devices.

Look for opportunities to not text and say it face-to-face or at least with the benefit of the receiver hearing your voice.

No one wants to give up their digital life, but there are ways to keep it real by looking for opportunities to tell it straight to someone’s face.

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I wanted to be in television so badly I sent audition tapes to the three major network affiliates in Philadelphia for years to no avail.

Not once did I get a rejection letter or a letter even acknowledging my tapes.

But the gift in not getting what I wanted was that it continually showed me how badly I wanted to work on the air in television – so I continued.

One day, year’s later my tape happened to arrive on the desk of the program director of the ABC affiliate and he picked up the phone and called me.

“It’s just a two-day gig.  Nothing more.  You’ll be a booth announcer”.

Once I got my foot in the door, well – you know what happened then.

Not getting what I wanted taught me how badly I wanted it and drove me to continue pursuit of my dream.

Had I become discouraged, I would have learned I was less motivated.

The question is:  how badly do you want it?

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One, ask what’s the worst thing that could happen.

Two, get prepared to accept the worst.

Three, change it if you can.

99% of the time what we fear never happens and 1% of the time it doesn’t happen the way we fear.

Is that worth all the pain and suffering from worry?

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1. Practice the awesome power of listening – even in a world of self-absorption, people respond to those who show a sincere desire to listen without commenting, augmenting or turning the attention back to them.
2. Inject others with a good, positive mood – Think about the people you respect and like to be around. They make you feel good.  That’s who you want to be.
3. Appreciate, but don’t flatter – flattery is meaningless words of praise. Appreciation is backed up by specific examples of what you say you appreciate.
4. Practice diplomacy as the art of letting someone else have your way.    

Openness and empowerment are two qualities that people cannot resist.

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