The one thing people regret at the end of life is working too much and not interacting more with the people they love.

But the real world requires sacrifices at various stages of our lives.

Mouths to feed. Dreams to change. Goals to be met.

Let’s be honest. No one hands us a check to pay for expenses for the rest of our lives without having to earn it.

So working long hours is part of getting to where we want to be. It’s not something to be ashamed of unless we have no plan to balance that time in a realistic and doable way.

It’s not the numbers of “quality” hours we spend with loved ones and friends, it is the amount of time we are 100% present in their company, focused on them.

Long hours can be eventually rewarded by rewarding yourself and loved ones with more of that quality time described above.

Allow no one including yourself to make you feel guilty for putting in the hours deemed necessary to advance your career. This only makes life worse for everyone.

While it is almost impossible to have it all, we can have it better.

Better time together.

Better ways to spend the non-working hours.

Better listening skills so that those around us do not think that because we are working elsewhere we do not hear them – the number one need of almost everyone.

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You still have a few choices to protect yourself in a world that is increasingly insensitive to the feelings of others.

Mudslinging used to be reserved for politicians but now there are many victims including children, teens and adults who are bullied through the magic of social media.

Your choices:

• Never let another person record directly onto that “computer chip” we call our brain.  No one gets direct access to our psyche except us.

• Even restrict others from getting into your head with a compliment.  The safest way to accept a heartfelt compliment is to use it as more evidence to back up what you are already telling yourself.  If you’re constantly telling yourself you are a caring loving person then when someone else hands you that compliment, consider it more proof.  But when others get to say things directly to our psyche that we are not already telling ourselves, when they decide to pull it back, we tend to become co-dependent.

• The number one way to deal with hurt feelings is to take five seconds and remind yourself that it must be awful for the person hurling insults at you to have to live with themselves.   A moment of empathy even if it is not deserved, changes the way you respond and allows you to not make it about you.

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Quality time is not measured in hours or minutes but in the number of times you can look into another person’s eyes or listen to them talk to you.

When we push to find more time with children, spouses, partners and even ourselves, we are making a mistake to judge the time successfully by how much time we spend.

Asking a son or daughter if they’d like to go for a walk with you as you leave your cell phone on the table is a start. 

Asking 5 questions in a row to someone else without feeling obliged to also weigh in on it yourself is telling others that you’re focused on them. 

Being able to accurately repeat back what someone has told you is a learnable skill that most people do not have.  Others are delighted to know they have been heard.

Even silence is quality time between two people when they are connected by a common interest or focus.

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Here’s how you can increase your confidence without ever having to say a word.

Stand taller, shoulders back.

That’s right, people who stand tall actually increase their self-confidence and it has been verified through research to be true.

People who do not have sufficient confidence have a more slouching posture or even a cowering stance.

People who seek more confidence actually accomplish it by how they walk into a room, enter a meeting or when meeting people they do not know.

Before I speak to an audience I stand up as straight as I can and stick my chest out.  Often, this physical manifestation of confidence is more effective than all the subliminal messages I might try to send myself.

All of us are capable of adjusting our posture and stance which means that we can find a simple way to be more comfortable with who we are.

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Before you give another person a compliment, rely on a proven method for making it stick like glue.

First, sincerity trumps giving praise to manipulate someone else.

Second, a compliment is just mere flattery if it is not backed up by evidence.

You exceeded my expectations on this project because (and here comes the evidence) you’ve captured the spirit of what we’ve been trying to do in this company. 

You are so kind — it means so much to me that while I was in the hospital, you texted every day to check in on me.

Everyone likes a compliment that is backed up by evidence that conveys that you really mean it, but for a compliment that absolutely no one can resist, give the compliment to a spouse or a friend or another associate.

Bad news travels fast, but good news travels even faster.

I knew of a radio station where the boss paid bonus checks to his best workers by sending a letter to their spouses along with the check.

Your wife is again a super achiever this month leading everyone in local sales. 

Giving a compliment can be better than receiving it once you realize how people will become drawn to you for your sincerity and appreciation.

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Harvard Business Review published an article titled “How To Fake It When You’re Not Feeling Confident”.

This is a common theme of late at companies, from motivational speakers and even psychologists who counsel troubled foster children.

Should you “trick yourself out of the state of self-doubt”?

But it isn’t necessary to fake anything.

Remembering an I.O.U. for anything that you succeed at for use when more confidence is called for will be more effective.

Every success you have – big or tiny – add to a list on your smartphone which, as you know, is always with you.

Scroll through that list at least once a day – preferably more. 

Some examples:  I spoke up at a meeting without being asked to; I broke the ice and started a conversation with someone I didn’t really know;  I made it through a tough day without saying the word “can’t”;  I got a raise (you’ll be surprised how quickly we forget raises and promotions which are testimonials to our success shortly after we get them;  I was bullied today and I pushed back.

If you start looking for little successes, you’ll change the way you think.

Imagine hundreds of these accomplishments starting with most recent first on a scrollable list.

Then bolding the ones that you are particularly proud of.

No more is needed than to organize a way to easily view all the things that we tend to forget about that can become powerful I.O.U.s for future success.

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It’s not an iPhone or money or some other nicety.

It’s the thought of their favorite gift that can transform your relationship with your spouse, partner and/or family members.

Think of the way most people come in contact with loved ones after being away for some hours, the day, or for work.

Right back to business as usual and often with the burden of haunting problems on your shoulder.

Now imagine your first contact with them as if you are going to hand them something they really, really want.

Say, a new digital device or whatever.

When we have a gift in our hands, we almost can’t hide the anticipated joy in giving it.

Except, don’t bring that gift.

Walk in as if you have it with you – happy, bright-eyed, anxious to please.

Believe it or not most people would rather have you 100% in the moment and not thinking about work, how tired you are or what else you have to do that day.

You are the gift they wanted all along.

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Even the most self-assured person has lapses of self-doubt.

And many others have more self-doubt than confidence.

For that occasional bout of self-doubt, insert work ethic for ability.

When we get a pang of self-doubt it has very little to do with our ability and everything to do with fear of failure.

Replace that fear with a vow to outwork everyone to assure your success.

Replacing fear thoughts with promises to outwork all replaces negative thinking with positive thinking.

Doubt kills more dreams than failure.

“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own ears”

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Everyone wants it all, but few attain it.

Whatever ALL really is.

So handling a career and family at the same time can be challenging.

Balance is important but employers often have a way of bending those boundaries and families have ways of increasing the time you are needed.

• Smartphones are beautiful things at work but toxic when children and spouses need you in person.  Phones off.  No exceptions.

• The time you spend 100% present with family members and children is more valuable than the gross number of hours.  Lean in.

• Children need boundaries and many career-oriented men and women blur the lines out of guilt or convenience.

• Eat dinner together – always.  Phones off – yours.

• Prepare and clean up dinner together.

• Become a better listener.  This occurs when you can hear what someone else says and say it back to them.

When I got divorced I saw a child counselor who gave me the best advice in our first session together.

She said, “Your job is not to put on a show for your children, just make them part of your life even if it is mundane and boring”.

Redefine having it all from being able to be fully actualized in your work and in your family and personal life to being happy with a life that you consciously work to keep in balance.

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On the first day as program director of a Philadelphia radio station, I faced this crisis.

The person whose job was to prepare and type the commercial logs required by the FCC under the station’s license was fired at the end of the day – not by me, but by the general manager without asking me (a bad radio management practice that unfortunately continues to this day).

She was fuming.

I was taken aback and very apologetic.  I told her the weekend logs looked perfect to me but she was so hurt and so shocked that she ripped them up.  Keep in mind that they were not computerized at the time which means they had to be retyped.

That left me with the huge task of having to retype these legal documents for the rest of the night Friday and all-day Saturday and Sunday which meant that I spent my first weekend as the station’s program director doing a sales job all weekend long.

On Monday, I dragged my tired body into the station ready to beg this person to come back if the station would only let me rehire her and of course they wouldn’t.

The hard work tired me but didn’t kill me.

What did bother me was that no one – not the manager or anyone at the station thanked me for spending the weekend cleaning up this mess.

Being appreciated means being acknowledged.

I vowed to remember that in the years to come by doing what my employers forgot to do – I thanked myself – and it felt so good.

Never let your job well done go unappreciated by the most important person in your life – YOU!

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