We work.

We raise families.

We tend to the needs of our aging parents.

What time is left we use to try to reduce stress which seems like it is getting worse all the time.

Perhaps you are like me – stretched in too many directions.

I have discovered a replacement for more quality time – you know, the thing we keep hearing we have to do to make relationships better.

And that is to be present and undistracted in our relationships.

The time we spend with friends, family – our children is secondary to how present we are when we are in their company.

Not how long we spend with others but how present we are in their company.

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Not far from me in New Jersey near the shore 9 teenagers and 3 young adults have killed themselves in a three-year period.

These are cluster suicides that are related – one triggered off another.  Several took their lives on the same train tracks, many went to the same high school.

Depression is a chemical as well as psychological response in people.  One teen was thought to have had a reaction to an acne drug.

But out of such bad has come good with people, families of the victims and officials coming together to soothe the pain and give some meaning to these tragic events.

Three thoughts:

1. Deal with problems openly not buried deep inside.
2. Wipe away senseless guilt and shame.
3. Realize to be free, problems need to be discussed.

Listening without judging promotes such open communication.

Being there for others is how to be of help.

Here is an excellent video about the 9 suicides that also serves as an uplifting reminder of what we can do to help others and the troubled when we are there with them in the present.

Click here for Struggling To Understand.

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The amazing Dr. Amit Sood has the best test for a true friendship:

“Let’s say you won one hundred million in a lottery.  How many people can you call knowing they will be truly happy for you and not expect a dime?  They are your real well-wishers.  People who are truly happy in your happiness are your true friends”.

Quality trumps numbers of friends.

“Research shows even a few true real life friends remarkably increase happiness; thousands of social media connections; not so much”.

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Teens spend more time on media each day than sleeping (Common Sense Media).

Two thirds of teens don’t think texting or watching TV has anything to do with their ability to learn.

What’s worse – their parents set a poor example by trying to multitask rather than prioritize.

As a college professor I can tell you that anyone can multitask but it doesn’t mean that they are doing their best work.

And we are already seeing signs in our culture of stress-related activities such as trying to do too much.

We can change this by prioritizing what things we do that will get us the best, most productive results.

80% of what we do doesn’t need to be done in a given day because if we pick the right 20%, we will accomplish 80% more.

The best book I ever read on prioritizing time management is a book written decades ago by Alan Lakein.

I use it and taught it to my children.

Do a few things well not a lot of things poorly by identifying the 20% of life that needs your attention.

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• Not receiving a promotion that has been earned more often than not becomes positive motivation toward improvement and a better outcome next time.  Check around and you’ll see this is true.
• Never allow your self-worth to reside in the advancement an employer may give you at work or – just as important – one that is denied you.  They don’t get to do that.
• I keep a file in my email of any and every testimonial I may receive about my work or me as a person.  Reviewing these comments comes in handy at times when we feel not appreciated and need more confidence.  And use this confidence to explore other opportunities.
• Often the person who passed us over for a promotion eventually winds up losing their job.  The ability to retain and promote outstanding people is not buried in a job description but is a gift that the best managers have.
• When passed over for a promotion and considering that the employer was fair and sincere, ask what specific things you can do to win that promotion the next time.
• Don’t gripe to co-workers, sulk or take it out on your family.
• Being passed over for promotion isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of your next promotion.

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All families are dysfunctional – just some more than others.

And families can be more than genetically related people.  There are work families and social families.

And extended family.

I am closest to my dearest friend than I am to my biological siblings.  Perhaps you can relate to that.

The road to life is always under construction.

• Be a good communicator and my definition of a good communicator is a person who not only delivers a message but makes double sure that it was received as delivered.
• Be aware of the difference between fact and assumption.  Fact can be observed and verified and assumptions cannot not.  Unfortunately, most interpersonal relationship problems are based on assumptions about things – not the facts as they are.
• Forgive but don’t forget.  There is great benefit to remembering how we have been hurt but there is no benefit to carrying around the vitriol and anger that makes us someone we don’t want to be.
• Sometimes major differences in values even among close family members cannot be reconciled. The healthy way forward is to let that person go and hope for the best or if you are religious, pray for them.

Nothing can stand in the way of two people who desire a healthy relationship, but it takes courage to reassess what you need and what you can give in return to others.

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Sports figures have the benefit of deciding how long they want to work for the teams that they are on.

Their agents pursue the next opportunity and at the end of each contract, a reassessment takes place.

But most of us never reassess what we have accomplished or what we want to do next.

And we don’t place a dollar value on our skills.

Become a free agent and change that up.

• When a player goes through salary arbitration, the arbitrator generally assesses what players with similar skills and accomplishments are worth in the marketplace.   We need to do the same thing.  Discover what people with your skills and experience are making and average their salaries together to get to your real worth.
• Working in a job and never checking to see if there is a better position will ultimately lead to unhappiness and possibly unemployment.  Every year, take a week or more to get away from the workaday world and ask this question:  “Do I want to continue what I am doing in this job for another year?”  If the answer is yes, commit in your mind to giving 100% for the next 12 months.  If the answer is I don’t know or no – look for alternatives while you are employed.
• When assessing what you want to do don’t be limited by your education or skills.  Dream on.  Catch the dream and follow it. You can always get the education and/or skills to pursue it but without a dream, you’re just going to wind up in another job.  Life is too short to spend the majority of your day doing anything but feeling great.

When we become a free agent in our careers, we tend to confirm our current commitments or get the motivation to pursue something else.

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Facebook friends aren’t real friends.

Instagram followers aren’t real friends.

A real friend is not someone we collect, but someone we respect.

• A friend never conducts a relationship exclusively over digital and social media.  The reward of a friendship is in experiencing the now.
• A real friend doesn’t have to remind themselves to reach out because real friends are always thinking of those who are important to them.  My best friend and I always knew when too many days had gone by without meaningful contact.  We knew and we acted.
• Real friends do not judge.  If the Pope can say, “Who am I to judge?”, what is our problem?
• Real friends always ask what they can do for us, not what we can do for them.  And vice versa.
• A real friend is never jealous or envious – friendship does not thrive in this atmosphere.
• A real friend is always there, always cares and stays connected in meaningful ways.

The difference between a friend and an acquaintance is values.

Maya Angelou breaks down the difference like this:

“Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide. Friends may disagree, but not about serious matters. A friend will stand for you when you are no longer able. A woman can say to herself, “If I die, I know that my friend, my sister friend will be here to hold up the banner.” Now that’s very profound”.

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Here’s a follow-up to my piece last week titled “Dealing With Rejection”.

Tools to nip rejection in the bud.

• Compassion is the best weapon against shamers.  Think, “I feel sorry for anyone who has to resort to (insert here)”. Understanding how terrible it must be to resort to shaming gives you the power to resist it.
• Shamers are often guilty of that which they project onto others. This puts the insults in their proper place – out of your mind.
• Shame or rejection is more effectively dealt with as soon as they are recognized. Often, rejection is internalized as a defense but this delay actually makes everything feel worse.
• No one gets to shame us – not even ourselves. Shame is a tool used to control others. When you feel shame, remember that someone is trying more to control you than to persuade you.

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There isn’t one thing we can do to be more popular, more desired at work or more loved in life that is more effective than to become a better listener.

Not one thing.

Some people have it in their DNA to be good listeners.

The rest of us need to work on it because it makes all the difference in the world.

• Talk less.  When we’re talking we can’t listen as intently.
• Respond to what you hear instead of going off on your own version of the story.
• Ask questions and actually listen to the responses.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Catch yourself every time you use the words “me” or “I” – self-absorption never sits well with others.
• Repeat that which you want to remember two times in your mind for the best chance of remembering it.
• When the other person is interrupted, burn into your brain the last thing that they said at the time they were interrupted by someone other than you so when they lose their place, you can show how intently you were listening by reminding them where they left off.

Even improving in one of the above areas begins to make a difference.

In a self-absorbed world it’s easy to get away with talking about yourself and that which interests you.

But for the many benefits that come from being a good listener, remember that we were given only one mouth but two ears – the better to use them.

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