No one has all good days.

Dealing with the bad days can be a challenge.

When you focus on helping someone else with their problems and get the attention off your difficulties, bad days can become more tolerable.

When I speak to groups about topics like these, I will often distribute 3×5 cards and ask everyone to write down their three biggest problems in life right now.

No names on the cards.

I collect the cards and redistribute them to everyone else giving them a new card and a new set of problems.

When I ask who wants their own problems back, 100% of the time everyone prefers their own.

Helping others.

Focusing on problems other than ours.

Two positive ways to get through a bad day or a rough patch.

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We love to have our ducks in a row.

Surprises are not something most people want.

Surprises can also be rewarding sources of happiness even ones that are not on the surface happy.

I met my wife by doing something I never do.  I called a temporary service to fill in for a week while I was away doing a conference.  Obviously, she stayed for a lifetime.  And I’m not kidding that the agency wanted me to pay a fee because I married her.

Really?

I know of someone who was surprised that she had breast cancer but even more surprised to find out that she didn’t need chemotherapy.

Or the friend who was surprised her husband was having an affair that led to turmoil, sadness and then a new life with a person who valued her.

The job candidate in radio who didn’t get the job he wanted only to remain on the sidelines for another year until the job of his dreams came along.

Surprises are not so bad because they often have a happy ending.

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Here’s what I do when I receive an email from someone who either assumes I have no feelings or no brains.

I write a simple response. 

“Is this something that you would have said to me in person?”

About half the time I get no response, but rest assured – message delivered.

And believe it when I say about half the time I get an apology, often a lengthier apology than the original insulting email.

Sometimes I make a new friend – and I’m not kidding.

Hiding behind a computer or smartphone doesn’t always bring the best out of us so when you ask a person if they would have said the insulting thing to you in person many realize that they went too far.

Instant communication does not mean instant gratification.

Before you hit “send” assume you may someday have to read that email on the witness stand in a courtroom.

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Gutsy for jumping from the stadium roof onto the field (even if it was recorded in advance).

Electric for the over-the-top Super Bowl halftime show she did.

Talented for her great voice.

These are the things that came to mind when Lady Gaga performed at halftime during Super Bowl 51.

But trolls online had a field day with what they described in all sorts of gross ways as body fat.

In particular, belly fat.

They didn’t like it so they shamed her from the safety and relative anonymity of their mobile devices and social media networks.

Gaga’s response was “I’m proud of my body and you should be proud of yours, too”.

Body shaming is a coward’s game, but it happens all the time.  Not just to girls like Lady Gaga but to children faced with inconsiderate people who are made more powerful through social media.

The best defense against all types of shaming is being proud of yourself the way you are.
There is only one of you, celebrate it.

We don’t live our lives by outsourcing our self-esteem to others.

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Defeated at halftime, winners in the end.

The New England Patriots surprised the Atlanta Falcons by not really using the usual motivational techniques.

Dour head coach Bill Belichick is far from Pete Carroll in that department but somehow even Atlanta became increasingly shocked to see their certain Super Bowl victory slip away as each minute ticked down.

Both teams were the best that football had to offer.  After all, they made it to the ultimate test, the big game.

You’re never out until let yourself believe you are.

Don’t even think about giving up.

And while pep talks have their value, channeling confidence from deep down inside is far preferable.

This applies to the rest of us as well.

The worst news isn’t necessarily the worst until you give up.  Just ask a cancer survivor.

Pep talks are mind candy, but believing in yourself is power food.

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The antidote for feeling threatened is to think of a threat as a challenge.

Not, this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Instead, this is the biggest problem I have faced in a long time.

One way feeds the stress.

The other is a positive response.

We often anticipate threats to us that are not actually there and are never going to happen.

In fact, most of the things people worry about never occur and when they do, they are rarely exactly the way they were feared.

When you feel fear, feel the challenge to overcome it.

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Picture this.

Before cellphones were developed, how likely would it have been to carry around an old Bell Telephone everywhere you went so you could plug it in for more access.

No one would do that but today because they are light and convenient, we are tethered to our digital devices.

Choose not to use your cellphone if you are in the company of others, taking in life as it happens in real time or able to postpone looking at it.

One of my college students said without her phone, she felt empty.

The phone is a tool, not a way of living.

Cellphones are not ruining lives, people are.

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On the days when – for whatever reason – you’re not feeling happiness …

1. Channel the happiest person in your life and think about how you enjoy being around them.  A friend who never judges and makes you feel good.  Who always has a word of encouragement for others.  Or a special someone who just by being in their presence makes you feel happy.

2. Think about someone you know who is fighting an illness, a problem or a brave relationship or work battle and then remind yourself that as of this day, you are not.

3. Name three people you are grateful for and yes, it can be the same three people every day or someone you just met.  The neighbor who helped you push your car out of the garage so you could jump it.

4. Focus on three things you couldn’t bear to be without and remind yourself of your good fortune – you don’t have to live without them.

5. Embrace the momentary unhappiness so you can compare it later with your good fortune.

Don’t always wait for happiness.

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“Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive”.

The author Rick Hanson said this and it rings true.

Bad experiences tend to stick around somehow hanging onto us.

Good one’s flow through us too quickly.

Humans have a negativity bias probably from our hunter/gatherer days where the species was constantly on the lookout for danger.  This bred fear into us where we learn to imagine things will be worse than we expect and discount our ability to deal with them.

By spending even a few minutes a day reviewing the good in our lives, we tend to become more positive.

Negativity is a learned response that we can overcome by reprogramming the brain when good things happen and passing the related good thoughts through our mind – even for a minute – over and over again.

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Why is apologizing so difficult?

None of us are perfect.

Saying sorry is not a repudiation of us as humans. It is a reaffirmation of our humanity when we’ve said something to hurt another.

1. Never say “but” because whatever words follow may appear insincere. It is better to not apologize than to add the word “but”.

2. Avoid “if I offended you, I’m sorry” because it reeks of insincerity. If we offended, we apologize. If we didn’t, we say nothing. If we don’t know for sure, find out.

3. Don’t ask for forgiveness — Forgiveness is up to others to grant. Asking for forgiveness appears to be a quid pro quo. The offended party may need time to see that the offense is not repeated before feeling comfortable enough to forgive.

4. An apology is a gift to ourselves — The burden of offending another is lifted when we admit our humanity and be the person we want to be.

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