As much as the holidays represent family time, it can be a disaster.

Pent up feelings, unresolved issues and anxiety that comes from everyone being together can lead to a bad outcome.

There are a lot of things that can be done to avoid the drama that can ruin family time together, but the best approach is simple to do.

Don’t try to improve loved ones.

The person who tries to improve another person is signing on for disaster because they most assuredly will be more miserable for the trying than the person they are trying to change.

Enjoy the day.

Enjoy the time together.

Heap on lots of gratitude.

But when you’re beginning to get the feeling that you need to intercede and get involved in another person’s drama, you will always be unhappier.

Family occasions are relatively few.

Weddings, birthdays, graduations, funerals, holidays.

You can survive any family drama if you take the vow to not try to improve a loved one.

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When people don’t care enough to be helpful, there is an alternative.

Keep looking for another person who can and will help and avoid the anger and disappointment you feel.

Here’s what works – yes, it even works on Comcast service reps because as you know Comcast has a terrible reputation for customer service and too many of their employees live down to their employer’s reputation.

This is what I call ‘Dialing For Dollars”.

When I asked a Comcast service rep to help me with an Internet issue, I got the usual run around and attitude.

It was so unnerving I had to get off the phone fast or I would have said things I would regret.

By accident, then, I called right back and yes, got another unhelpful sales rep.

My wife was nearby watching me go through this agony and I joked, “I’m dialing for dollars” and “I’m going to keep calling until I get someone at Comcast who cares if I have to call back 100 times in a row”.

And a few calls later, I found this angel of mercy.

She was so nice I said, “Have you ever heard of Dale Carnegie? (who wrote How To Win Friends and Influence People).  She said not only had she heard of him, she took his course.  And then we connected, because for many years I taught that course.

Why keep hitting our heads against the wall.

There are lots of unhelpful people in the world but if we keep looking there is one to make up for all of them.

No matter how greedy or self-absorbed people become, don’t settle for it and stay positive – there is someone who cares and wants to help.

Even at Comcast!

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Whether it’s a terrorist bomb attack, a deranged person with an automatic weapon firing on students or theatergoers, it’s a scary and sometimes depressing world.

The other day I got a pick me up from, of all people, the wisdom of Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers for decades on PBS).

Rogers said when he was on the verge of losing faith in humankind, his mother always told him to look to the helpers – the people who come up big when their lives are in danger or when they are needed to help.

Fred Rogers passed away in 2003 of stomach cancer but his timely words then not only live on now, they console me as they may inspire you to look beyond the bad to see the good in people.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Children may not fully know what is going on in the world, but they can sense when their parents are scared or upset.

Give them the useful tools to become future peacemakers.

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Bag all those studies that say we get happier as we get older.

Money, accomplishments and power are not what they used to be.

A new, massive study was conducted with 50,000 adults by NORC at the University of Chicago, a non-partisan research group that has been studying these things since 1972.

For the first time, 18-29 year olds were happier than more mature adults.

Women were happier then men.

There are no easy answers.

Younger people still have hope and one theory is that older folks are becoming more disappointed with jobs, the “happiness” money can’t buy for them and troubled relationships.

What to do?

Stop focusing on imperfections and be grateful for the good things and special, loving people in your life.

The more gratitude that is expressed, the less time you have worrying about the things that rob you of happiness.

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Tell them they did something very well or (if it applies) that they were correct about something they said.

Guaranteed to get their attention promptly.

Why?

When was the last time someone told you you were right or remembered fondly something that you said?

Ever notice that people don’t really want advice, even if they ask for it.

They want someone to listen to them.

When self-absorbed people ramble on and on (and they do this more now than ever), it is a call for recognition by someone other than themselves.

They want to be validated by you.

When someone turns a deaf ear to what you’re saying, look to the other side of silence to determine what scares or upsets them the most.

Dale Carnegie in his best selling book tells the story of how a good listener at a party can somehow be complimented as being a great conversationalist.

The edge goes to the person who understands that someone will listen to you avidly when you listen to them first.

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A study of 1,095 people average age 33 in Denmark showed that Facebook was ruining their lives.

After a week 88% of those not on Facebook said they were happy, compared to the 81% still on Facebook.

But only 12% of the people who didn’t use Facebook described themselves as “dissatisfied” vs. 20% for Facebook users.

The Facebook users were also 55% more likely to feel stressed.

The people who didn’t use Facebook claimed after the week was over that they actually had a better social life and had less trouble concentrating.

It’s probably not just Facebook but any social media that requires time and attention away from personal interaction.

• Use Facebook, Twitter and social media as you would sugar – to sweeten the day but not as a steady diet.
• Take social media vacations – almost everyone who is either forced to or voluntarily sets aside their digital devices temporarily comes away with two feelings:  one, that it felt good to do and two, that they couldn’t wait to get back with their social media (after all, it’s addictive).
• Life is to be lived in the present with real people, interactions and the nuances that go with direct contact.  Social media is just a tool in our digital lives.

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Let your eyes light up the moment you see them.

Smother them with sincere enthusiasm.

Focus on them, not you or your digital devices.

Be present without distraction.

Greet loved ones as if you have been away on a business trip for two weeks and are just that moment returning to see them after being away so long.

Stop what you’re doing to listen – nothing shows love and respect more than taking the time to listen without judging.

It’s not how much time you spend together.

It’s about the time you are present together.

Each minute you are present in the company of a loved one is worth 60 minutes just occupying the same space.

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Authenticity has always been valued but perhaps never more so than now.

There’s pressure to be that which you are not.

To compromise values.

Or neglect that special something that makes you YOU.

You don’t have to quit the world to be more of the person you want to be.

Have the courage to embrace what makes you unique.

The first time I taught a Dale Carnegie class, one of my students raised her hand and said, “Jerry, you’re teaching public speaking but the way you wave your hands around is distracting”.

That’s the point in time when it would have been easy to second guess the most important quality in a speaker – the ability to be yourself in public.

My response, “I’m Italian. We speak with our hands”.

The message is important but nothing is more important than knowing and being yourself.

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If there is someone you value more than anyone else, you can be proactive about nurturing that friendship.

• Be in their lives when things go right – not just when they go wrong.
• Little things mean a lot – these are the building blocks of a deep friendship such as remembering their likes from previous conversations.
• Jealous and envy have no place in true friendships.  When others succeed, it does not mean that you won’t succeed.  Don’t hold the happiness and success of another person hostage because of envy.
• Spend lots of face time together if at all possible.  Social media friends are almost never true friends because true friendship takes place in the present.
• Scrap the agency – you don’t always have to contact a friend for a reason.  Call for no reason at all.
• Be there even if you can’t be of help.

One of our biggest complaints is about the lack of true friends.

Facebook and Instagram friends, yes.

Real friends, not really.

Friends are not aggregated, they are appreciated.

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We work.

We raise families.

We tend to the needs of our aging parents.

What time is left we use to try to reduce stress which seems like it is getting worse all the time.

Perhaps you are like me – stretched in too many directions.

I have discovered a replacement for more quality time – you know, the thing we keep hearing we have to do to make relationships better.

And that is to be present and undistracted in our relationships.

The time we spend with friends, family – our children is secondary to how present we are when we are in their company.

Not how long we spend with others but how present we are in their company.

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