I make decisions the way I clean out my closet.

I take everything that I know I want to keep and leave it on a hanger and everything else – even if I think I might need or want it later (like a radio station tee shirt)  – goes into another bedroom for three months just in case I change my mind.

No, I have never taken even one item and returned it to the closet but knowing I had a backup plan makes me more decisive for the task at hand.

We have a phenomenal friend who has an opportunity to take a job in another city.

He’s an only child and feels an obligation toward his parents.  The move might be exciting but he’s not sure it’s the right thing to do.

When we have a decision to make, look for a backup plan.

Try it for a year.  See how it goes.  How do the parents cope and how much do you feel fulfilled.

If there is a plan to fall back on, we tend to move forward with more ease.

And that’s my advice to anyone who has a big decision coming up.

Don’t accept it on faith and hope and don’t reject it on fear.

Get a Plan B and then live life to the fullest.

Even if we eventually find we made a mistake, mistakes can be far more valuable than indecision, which is loaded with fear and regret.

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I have been playing golf with my friend and golf professional Mike LaBauve.

While I am getting expert advice for the golf course, I also discovered how it applies to work and life in general.

Mike wants me to slow my swing down.

That’s asking a lot of a golfer because we know that power equals distance.  Or so we think.

But in my case I want to swing with so much might that the rest of my body fights what it should be doing correctly.  The timing gets thrown off.

Slow down, let the body clear and in time you actually start generating more power correctly.

I found this also applies to life.

I’m a Type A and I can attack just about any task, problem or thing with so much power and might that in a way the rest of my mind and body does not work in unison.

So I tried to slow down my work especially when I felt pressure.

To consciously do things slower and more deliberately.

What I found is that to my surprise I am actually more productive, less stressed and more creative.

In the time it usually takes me to write a story for my media publication, I wrote two.  And this has been the end result of slowing down when I feel the most rushed.

Ironically, when we slow down under pressure we actually give the rest of our mind and body time to be more efficient.

Even if you’re not a golfer, it’s worth a try.

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Expectation leads to disappointment.

We are rarely disappointed with that which we expect.

It’s what we allow our minds to expect that makes us unhappy.

And demotivated.

When we keep our expectations low and our motivation high, the outcome is rarely disappointment.

I’ve been disappointed when I have allowed myself to look forward to something good that I expected to happen.

And I’ve been refreshingly surprised and delighted to see that I attained something that I may have hoped for but never expected.

When I sent audition tapes to TV stations, I never got a single answer.

And I sent them every month – month after month for two years.

Still no answers.

Until there was.

When a TV program director called and said come in for an audition.

I made my mind up not to focus on the monthly feeling of rejection but decided instead to keep churning out new audition tapes without regard to what would happen.

Disappointment is our enemy and we have the power to neutralize it by expecting little and spending 100% of our time on staying motivated.

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We race because we want to have everything.

Even people, who are married 50 or more years and lose their loved one, understandably wish they could still have more time.

Because for all of us, it is never enough.

Folks who feel stuck in a career rut often rush to judgment about making a move before it’s too late.

But it’s never too late and we don’t have to go far to see examples.

Young people have anxiety about attaining their dreams even as the world has not been fair to them.

Needless added anxiety.

The writer Norman Cousins while battling a crippling illness called Ankylosing Spondylitis, believed that the human emotions were the successful key in fighting illness so he asked his friends to join him in his hospital room while he laughed himself to death watching The Marx Brothers old black and white comedies.

Cousins didn’t die.  All that worry for nothing that a few good laughs cured.

He died of a heart attack but not the first one.  On his way to the hospital he told EMTs, don’t worry I’m not going to die.  And so it was.

It is a human condition to fear running out of time.

And important to note that this concern has less to do with age than it does with our thirst for happiness and need for accomplishment.

The remedy is to make it about today not tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s fears rarely come true and waiting for tomorrow’s dreams are useless because once we get there we want something else.

Time is the progress of existence.

Time well spent is obsessed not with bargaining for more, but focusing on now.

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Here is a poem by Mewling Jalaluddin Rumi that is frequently used in mindfulness retreats.

This, along with the book Man’s Search For Meaning about finding meaning in tragedy such as the holocaust should be go-to sources when the going gets tough.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

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In a new book by Jo Marchant entitled Cure, we hear once again about the power of the placebo effect.

In the book she writes about 75-year old former golfer Bonnie Anderson who cracked a bone in her spine and was beset by pain and suffering.

She was to have an experimental operation called vertebroplasty in which cement is injected into the spine.

She left the hospital cured.

Except for one thing.

Bonnie Anderson never had the operation.

The surgery she underwent was “fake” – a placebo.  The surgeons never injected the cement.

Her brain believed that the pain would end and it ended.

Placebo effect is also a major consequence of anti-depression medication trials where 50% of the group is given the drug and the other 50% is given no drug with high rates of relief – almost equal to the medication – for those taking the sugar pills.

This is evidence of the importance of the brain.  How powerful it really is.

And there are every day lessons for us.

If you believe it, it can happen.

If your mind commits to a goal and we pay the price, anything can be accomplished.

Our minds are the ultimate resource for overcoming life’s obstacles and for pursuing happiness.

For all the medications, counseling and education that we get in life, it turns out that the most potent weapon we have is sitting right there on our shoulders.

The brain in our head.

As Henry Ford put it:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — either way you’re right.”

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My mother was a worrier and I took after her.

She had her reasons.

My father had a heart attack at 37 and I felt like I had to step up and be a “man” while I was still a young boy.

Most children are patterned for life by their experiences at an early age in their families of origin.

Perhaps this is why I sought out Dale Carnegie’s reassuring teachings.

But fear is a useless thing.

It impacted my health for too many years until I decided to take control.

By being aware of the problems that concern us and not to accept denial.

Accepting that life comes with fears but that we can deal with them.

To talk about our fears and try to work through them.

By attempting to live more in the present which is a reliable remedy for putting worry in its place right now.

Having the courage to let go of our fears and worries.

To replace “what ifs” with positive self-talk.

In the end fear is defeated by doing as Susan Jeffer’s suggests.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

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There are several kinds of forgiveness.

Start with the most difficult – forgiving ourselves.

Only after we forgive ourselves are we ready to go on with life and forgive others and expect that they can forgive us.

Then there is forgiving others as an act of will, a choice that we make.

We need to forgive others for our own sake.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting so saying, “I forgive you but I am still angry and hurt” is understandable.

One of the reasons we don’t complete the process of forgiving is because of our own anger.  As anger is resolved, love can reappear.

Letting go can represent compassion and understanding but never denial of the problem.

Finally, reconciliation is sometimes possible but not always.  In some cases avoiding continued abuse makes it prohibitive.

These views of forgiveness can set us free.

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Of all the ills that face us, stress is the killer.

Everyone (including me) complains about it.

Our hunter-gatherer ancestors worried about large animals attacking their families and the human brain was built for that kind of distress.

In the digital age, not so much.

Here are the components that relieve stress and promote happiness:

• Let go of everything, but your dreams.  Trying to maintain control kills quality of life.

• Switch the focus from you to all of you

• Bullies are everywhere.  They are really weak people who make us feel bad about ourselves.  Stand up and push back.

• Compassion is the way to release animosity that brings us down.

• Don’t be a hater – and this is a warning, almost everyone thinks they are not a hater.  Be sure.

• Suffering is transformational – adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

• Reduce fear and worry by remembering that only 1% of what we fear ever comes true and even then it is not the way that made us so anxious.

• Living in the present can only happen when we are also channeling ways to be grateful. 

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It only takes a minute to make someone feel special.

Famed golfer Arnold Palmer’s “Arnie’s Army” knows this all too well.

When he gives an autograph, he takes the time to make it legible.

When he had lunch at the clubhouse a few weeks ago with 35-year old pro golfer Brandt Snedeker, Palmer asked if he would like to play the back nine.

Palmer birdied the 17^th hole and took money off Snedeker who is over 50 years his junior.

Snedeker’s response: “I had the best day. I showed up fully expecting to take up five minutes of his time and he gave me a whole day.”

The secret to making someone feel special is to exceed expectations.

The thing many people don’t know is that when you take the time to make someone else feel special, it makes you feel the same way.

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I once asked a grief counselor how long does it take to grieve.

His answer:  “as long as it takes”.

My response:  “but how long is that?”

And his answer:  “as long as it takes assuming you can conduct your every day activities in life”.

I was thinking about this on the anniversary of my mother’s death recently.

Of course I was everything to her and she to me.  It still doesn’t seem the same with her not around.  In the last 8 years of her life after my father died she lived with me.

And for part of that time I was a single dad so when I met a nice girl I wanted to take back to my house, here was my line:  “want to come back to my place (pause) and meet my mother and the live in nurse?”

What a Romeo, eh?

But oddly enough the girl that said yes, turned out to become my wife and my mother loved her as she loved me.

What I have observed is that by doing the opposite of what we might otherwise do is a great way to keep the memory of loved one’s alive.

I can cook every one of her great Italian meals just as she did and I talk about her as I prepare them.

But the best advice I ever heard about keeping the spirit of a loved one alive is something – believe it or not – I said to my girlfriend in college when she lost an aunt she was very close to.

I didn’t know how to be comforting so without thinking I said, “take one of your aunt’s qualities and make it yours and she will live on through you”.

I should have been that thoughtful in philosophy class but I unwittingly spoke the truth.

The body may be dead but the spirit can be kept alive.

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We sure have an outbreak of haters stalking people publicly in social media and for that matter in politics.  Even for politics, it’s over the top this year.

Recording artists and entertainers have become so good at hating on people that it has become a sick art form almost expected now to go along with the territory of being famous.

But it also happens at schools where our children attend.

Imagine the things you were bullied for when you went to school and then try to imagine how you would feel if you could never get away from that bullying because of social media.

That’s haters in the digital world.

Haters must be called out.

If you don’t hate all Muslims, you must stand up and say so.

If you don’t like the ways the LGBT community is treated, speak up.

By accepting bullying in the public domain we are winking at our children when we say don’t hate on others – sending the wrong message instead of a strong message.

Bullies must be pushed back and they will run.

And bullying takes place at offices – I know of many cases in the broadcasting industry.  That would stop tomorrow if people would call it out.

Remember how the poet laureate of Millennials, Taylor Swift sums it up:

“If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.”

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As I have said previously the first few years of life pretty much govern a person’s adult years that follow.

In other words, we are often set in our ways as young children.

So why is it that psychologists and psychiatrist’s offices are packed with patients who often have long-term and very expensive relationships in an effort to change?

If the conundrum is we are predisposed to our behavior good or bad as children, how can we change and grow in a meaningful way as adults?

The answer is choice.

People who bring about change make choices – lots of them every day and sometimes on the very same topics.

One friend of mine has been on the wagon for decades – a choice he made every minute of every day.  And I know another person who succumbed to the disease and lost her life relatively young.

Others come from dysfunctional families (they say all families are dysfunctional more or less) where they have to battle with hurtful things from their families of origin every day of their lives.

The power of choice is that we can will change in real time by saying “for the rest of this day I will choose to  …”.   It has a time stamp on it – good for a short period of time that will have to be renewed again and again.

Mother Teresa became a saint in the Catholic Church but what I discovered in researching my book was that she did not always have faith because there were days she couldn’t believe in a God that would allow the awful conditions that affected the Lepers she served.

Mother Teresa made a choice to believe.

For the rest of us, wanting to change is nice but it is not enough.

Making choices in real time day after day – that’s change you can really count on.

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What’s better than love?

Nancy Reagan died recently and regardless of whatever political differences we may have, her relation with Ronald Reagan has been called a love story.

In one tribute I saw, a video tape of President Reagan at the end of his second term with his wife by his side talking about his love for her.  This was in that all too short period before he learned he had Alzheimer’s disease so he remained convincing and eloquent on this topic.

But the most striking thing about this public profession of love was Ronald Reagan’s advice to others that in essence loving a person is not enough.

Telling that person that you love them is even more important.

Some people are uncomfortable with public displays of love that came easy to Ronald Reagan but there are so many other ways to say “I love you” and they all count.

Actions speak as loud as words.

For a crash course in expressing love, just consult the dog or cat closest to you.  When it comes to pets, even folks who can get hung up on the right words can show their love through thoughtful actions.

In a world that is increasingly being characterized by haters on social media, it is comforting to know that we are all really experts at saying “I love you” in ways that make a difference.

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The reason many people leave their jobs voluntarily is to seek a job that pays better.

Of course, they want more opportunity, more appreciation and the chance to advance but what they usually settle for is the added money.

Survey after survey shows that compensation does not rank first among the things that are important to workers. In fact, it doesn’t even rank second or third although it is considered important.

Often the next job isn’t really the one you want. It’s the one after that.

So, how to shorten the process?

1. What is your end game? This is the question that should be answered first. If your goal is to run a marketing department, is the job that you are being offered that job?
2. Are you looking in the right field or is the job you really want in another area less familiar to you? Experience transfers from industry to industry so don’t shortchange yourself.
3. Are you sure your next job is not tantamount to your current job but with more pay and benefits? If it is, your job search will likely renew shortly.
4. Try to resist saying you are looking for a family friendly job because what the family really wants is you to be happy.
5. Less money for a job with more future is better than more money in a job that doesn’t have growth potential.
6. Do your homework to see why the person in the job you are considering left. This is the most important recognition you can do.

Too frequently the best job is not the one you’re now considering but the one after that if only because you’re not yet convinced that major change is what you’re seeking.

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My USC students seemed to always want to know the answer to this question – how long is it prudent to pursue your dreams.   When must you be more practical?

I always answered the question backwards.

Describe for me a person who for one reason or the other stop pursing their dreams and accepted that they were out of reach and I will describe a person who will have an empty feeling in them for the rest of their lives.

My answer:  never stop pursing your dreams.

I make that a personal practice of mine and I’m a teacher not a student.

There are all sorts of ways to be practical (i.e., earn a stable living, etc.) that do not require abandoning the one thing that lights your fire.

Without dreams our lives are so ordinary.

With dreams, they can be extraordinary.

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”  – Walt Disney

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The gift that everyone wants from you is the gift of your time.

It costs you nothing – no financial expenditure is required of us and yet people don’t just want your time, they crave it.

For children – Be present in the now.  It’s not the hours together, it’s the time you spend 100% present with them.

For older parents – Be there for them – again, by removing distractions and talking one-on-one.  When we die, the last thing we are going to request is that the TV is on in the room and no direct communication is taking place.

For spouses and partners – Recapture the way you felt the first time you realized that you were in love.  That winning formula never goes out of style we just forget to keep doing it.

For people you work with or for —  Be a sounding board.  Do not judge.  Just your ears alone are worth more than any words that come out of your mouth.

And for friends – Be playful and innovative.  As kids that’s how we made friendships and that formula never grows old.  We can have 1,000 Facebook friends, 100 Instagram followers, a whole host of acquaintances  but in life we only have a handful of true friends – people who deeply care about each other – and these people must be cherished.

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Almost nothing hurts like feeling a friend is not the friend you thought.

It happens all the time.  Has happened to me and perhaps to you.

Or someone not there for you when they used to be or you think they should be.

A person who becomes so self-absorbed that your friendship is adversely affected.

Competition.

Jealousy.

I said in my book that jealousy kills relationships.

Here’s how to go on a jealous diet:

• Let go of the fear that you don’t have value.

• Repeat often:  “jealousy hurts me more than it hurts them”.

• Count jealousies like calories – make a list of the people of whom you are jealous.

• Focus on your accomplishments – building self-esteem tends to make us less envious.

• Make amends for jealous behavior.  Even if a friend is unwilling to do so, it changes you in a positive way to work your jealousy calories down to zero.

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Acceptance is one of the stages of grief.

It’s about dealing with adversity and inspiring yourself to be creative about more possibilities.

Dealing with loss takes as much time as it takes as long as we remain able to function in our every day activities.

But there are so many things that we are forced to accept in life and one way is to consider whether it will even matter in years from now.  It’s surprising how much easier it becomes to accept the little things in life when we realize that they won’t really matter several years down the line.

For big losses that are harder to accept, search for some positive meaning.

Out of bad comes good so reminding ourselves of this will slowly but surely bring us to acceptance.

That even big losses open up new opportunities.

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1. Reading or writing while driving
2. Reaching for an object other than a phone
3. Using a touchscreen on a GPS or other vehicle technology
4. Driving while angry, sad, crying or highly emotional
5. Fatigue
6. Interacting with an adult or teen passenger

This from a New Virginia Tech study.

Putting on makeup and following the vehicle in front of you too closely are no longer the impediments that they were previously thought to be.

We’re discovering our digital life is increasingly deadly to relationships, our stress levels and now all of these in-car dangers.

We’re always trying to find ways to live in the now and one great start would be to turn off the phone, eliminate some of the actions and distractions that are proven to be hazardous above and make the car a place to live in the present.

Enjoy the ride, the day and if traffic ruins all those possibilities – at least enjoy the companionship of music or the spoken word.

For sure, we have to become proactive reigning in our digital lives or it will continue to become toxic for our health and happiness.

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