The time we spend trying to control our lives is all consuming.

Almost everyone wants to make sure things go exactly their way and as a result we are increasingly making ourselves miserable by trying to be in total control of our lives.

Even knowing that we tend to avoid people who are pushy and domineering, we still do it.

There is new research from Johns Hopkins that concludes learning to ignore things helps people to concentrate on what they really want.

So arguably the hardest thing we can do is best for our health and happiness and it makes us more desirable to be with.

To gain control, give up control.

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What happens when you ask your kids at the dinner table “what happened at school today?”

Nothing, of course.  Ask a thousand times and get a thousand answers the same.

And that’s assuming you are not making these two mistakes:  no family dinnertime together and no cellphones allowed at the table.

What I am about to suggest works with young people and helps retrain their brains to think positively – and here’s the best part – this works at the office as well.

“What happened that was good today?”

This is how you build optimism.  It helps build on success.  Gets us and others away from fixating on problems and focusing on opportunity.

At the end of a meeting you are running, try “Tell me something good you can take away from our time together”.  Do this often and it will get a seamless response.

Even in one-on-one relationships to ask another person, “Tell me something good” that happened when we spent the weekend together and you will be changing negative talk to positive interactions.

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So we have a plus size model as one of the three finalists for this years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue – Ashley Graham.

And while there has been a lot of positive feedback that finally, skinny didn’t dictate the winner, there are some troubling things we should be aware of.

Former model Cheryl Tiegs has come out to say that being a large model is unhealthy in essence fat shaming (here)

Health is important but skinny people sometimes have high blood pressure that you would expect of bigger body types.

The traditional body-type model Tanya Mityushina, one of the three along with boxer Ronda Rousey, has also complained that she might not win the most admiration because of the unprecedented sentiment for the plus size model.  See it to believe it here.

The best way to understand this is to pretend you are a parent and your child is automatically eliminated from the things some body types find as advantageous.

By the way, skinny shaming is as bad as fat shaming and it also happens.

When we learn to see people and treat them as individuals not as pre-set expectations, we are achieving humanity.

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It’s impossible to do better than our best.

So why is it that our best is often not enough to make us happy?

Think of a sports team that goes out and plays a game with their best skills and they lose.

Could they have won by playing better than their best?

This is where we bring a lot of personal misery upon ourselves.  Our job is to bare down and do the very best we can and then give up control of the outcome.

There are some things we cannot control in life and the outcome is at the top of the list.

I find this inspiring from J.C. Penney, the founder of the department store chain that has had its troubles in recent days.

“I wouldn’t worry if I lose every dollar I have because I don’t see what is to be gained by worrying.  I do the best job I possibly can, and leave the results in the laps of the gods”.

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At times during my career I have felt the need for the affirmation of others to get me to my goals.

But even the most supportive people cannot achieve the success that comes when we rely on ourselves – not others – to affirm our path of action.

When I started a business, I so wanted everyone to tell me it would be a success – and some did. But things didn’t work out until I actually believed that what I was doing would succeed – eventually.

Affirmation works best when it starts with us.

I’m actually at a point where when I share an idea with someone else if they like it, I question whether the idea is actually the best I have to offer. Is it innovative enough? A game changer? Disruptive?

I often tell audiences that when a speaker stands before a crowd, she or he must positively affirm that they’ve earned the right to be there before they have a right to expect a rousing round of appreciative applause at the conclusion.

Get back into the business of affirming yourself.

Start this morning at work or in situations where you are called upon to come up big. Don’t look elsewhere but to yourself.

When you affirm yourself, then the recognition that later rolls in from others will be the realization of others of what you actually believed FIRST.

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Psychologists say that most of our personality and by extension future health and happiness is determined by the time we are 3 years old.

Change after that point requires great desire and hard work.

It also requires something that we actually have the ability to do whenever we want to.

The ability to choose a different course of behavior.

• If we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships, we have the ability to decide every day that we are going to seek healthier ones – even if it is just for a day or night.

• If we hate our jobs or the people we work with, we can choose to change jobs and stop relying on excuses like – my family needs the money, it’s a bad time to make a change – you can supply your own examples, I’m sure.

• If we are unhappy, we can choose to be happy if not forever for a period of time no matter how short.  It is within our power to do so.

• If we are letting family of origin issues affect our marriages and relationships, we have the ability to put a “stop hold” on that behavior even for a short period of time.

Scientists know that our brains determine everything about us.

In people who live by fear, a simple MRI will indicate that one part of the brain is larger than another.  Not good, but it explains why we are like this.

If we ruminate about things depriving ourselves of happiness, we can decide to choose to ruminate for only a half hour a week and be happy.  Again, an MRI will show the part of the brain that controls rumination to be larger than it should be.

We can retrain the brain.

We can choose to be happy, healthy and fearless.

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People who used to send or receive Christmas cards know that the proliferation of instant digital communication and social media has not helped people say “Happy Holidays” and “Merry Christmas” any better.

The snail mail cards are disappearing each year but they are not being replaced by and large by digital cards or even just emails or texts that say “Merry Christmas”.

The ability to communicate seamlessly does not mean that we are communicating more.

Context is lost in a text message.

Emotion is a guessing game (often an incorrect one) when reading someone’s email message.

Even young people who drive the texting revolution are beginning to rethink whether a little old school communication might not be more rewarding.

I am making a conscious attempt to take the best of email, texting and social media along with phone calls, more face-to-face situations and even letters.

When telling a person you are proud of them, there is nothing better than a written message that can be posted, saved or savored.

The reason young people are beginning to rethink their options of communication is – well, frankly, because they can’t get the attention of even their parents and friends who have also embraced convenient technology.

Text, emails and social media postings have their place.

Being there in the present for another person supersedes even the coolest technology.

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Forgiveness should be the easiest thing we ever do, but it is often the reverse.

Forgiveness is the gift we give to ourselves.

And the reason that it should be easy for us to forgive is because we are all fallible human beings.  In other words, I can safely say we all need forgiving from time to time.

It becomes difficult when hyper-emotions are involved.

Being Italian I can share horror stories (that some of you may be able to second) where decades go by without people dealing with the issues that come between them.

When I was a young boy attending my first family funeral, I can still picture one of my relatives throwing herself on the dead body in the casket of a person with whom she harbored an ongoing contentious relationship only to be restrained by several attendants.  (I’m still damaged by that virtual video in my brain).

We can forgive even when the other person is not interested in receiving it – we just do it and feel free.

We can forgive without conditions when another person seeks it because, as Dr. Amit Sood says, all of us are vulnerable to ignorant thoughts.

But most importantly, forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves and others for being human – without conditions.

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Rabbi Harold Kushner is known for his bestselling book When Bad Things Happen To Good People but the book he wrote that I value above all is titled When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough.

In it, he suggests that finding happiness is like a butterfly.

The more you pursue it, the more it eludes you.

That’s why we cannot write “be happier” on a list of things to do because happiness is a byproduct of doing something else.

Recently in Glendale, AZ two teenagers killed themselves on the campus of their high school in what was reported to be a murder/suicide pact. They had so much to live for in their young lives and they have left their friends and families devastated.

We have so much in this world and yet somehow it feels so empty to many of us. We are always searching for a life that matters.

The pursuit of happiness does not produce happiness.

It does not make problems go away.

There is no known formula to be a happier person other than this.

Gratitude, meaning to be grateful for even the aches and pains of life not just all the benefits.

Compassion, meaning trying to understand the feelings of others even when they disagree with us or hurt us.

The pursuit of gratitude and compassion gives happiness.

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When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died, the news media covered the death itself, the political angle as it pertains to the presidential election and the governance aspects in a divided court.

Scalia was a staunch conservative and over decades helped transform the Supreme Court by tipping the scale to a non-liberal agenda on some issues.

The story that may have gotten lost was the very close friendship between Scalia’s opposite on the court – Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a relationship considered “the odd couple”.

But it was what they had in common including their love of opera that prompted her to call Scalia one of her “best buddies”.

The love was returned as Scalia in tribute to his fiend called her “the high court’s counterweight”.  Remember now, we live in a divisive world especially in politics and government.

Scalia made it even more real when he said, “What only her colleagues know is that her suggestions improve the opinions the rest of us write, and that she is a source of collegiality and good judgment in all our work.”

Ginsburg said, “I disagreed with most of what he said, but  I loved the way he said it”.

Years ago, Scalia named Ginsburg as the person with whom he would want to be stranded on a desert island.

Scalia once wrote a scathing dissenting opinion and then serenaded Ginsburg with his rendition of Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A Changin”.

It was Ginsburg who once said “”I love him, but sometimes I’d like to strangle him”.

It is easy to be friends when you have everything in common and no points of disagreement.

But to be loved for who you are and not whether you agree with each other is the friend we wish we all had.

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Ironically, the cure for narcissism is having a healthy love of self.

Narcissists have an unhealthy craving for improved self-esteem.

A 2010 study in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science reports that the percentage of college students exhibiting a narcissistic personality has increased by 30% since the early 1980s.

Narcissists are less honest, more aggressive. They spend a lot of time primping on social media sites like Instagram.

We cannot do much to motivate others from abandoning self-absorption but there is plenty we can do to stay far away from it.

• Develop a healthy self-love and acceptance for you as you are.

• Connect in real time with others in settings where you can also monitor their reactions (face to face, for example).

• Avoid the use of the words “I” or “me”. Isn’t it amazing how many narcissists continually use these words without a red flag popping up to indicate that they’ve indulged themselves enough.

• Separate from social media – use it cautiously because it quickly becomes a wasteland for users and sadly, most don’t even know it.

• Do not try to impress others.

I hate to say this but Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People still ranks in the top 30 books according to Kindle sales even though the stories are outdated and the writing style would turn off a Millennial.

But it can be boiled down to this — seeing things from the other persons point of view is your insurance policy against being a narcissist. 

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You can’t have it all without paying the price for all of it.

But often, having it all is not worth it.

A stay at home parent pays the price at work.

Ted Koppel stopped his ABC News career to raise his kids in a day when that was considered weird but when they grew up he returned to his broadcasting career and became famous for his “Nightline” TV series.

He paid a price and got a gain.

Not everyone has to be a parent.

Not everyone has to be a successful entrepreneur.

The solution to having it all is checking in with yourself two, three, four times a day to get accustomed to being in touch with what you really want – what matters.

Here is Amy Westervelt’s article on the myth of having it all that may hit home.

In the end, having it all is what’s right for you not anyone or everyone else.  If you know what you truly want, then you will be prepared to pay the price for being truly happy.

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The author Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled started the book with the words “life is difficult”.

But most of us, most of the time handle adversity pretty well.

We don’t always give ourselves credit for it, but we do.

There are times in life when we are faced with trouble that is more than we can handle – the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, financial or career problems, loneliness and depression – when we could use a little added help.

Take working in a job you love but for and/or with people you don’t like.  That’s what Cumulus Media discovered when it surveyed its employees six months ago only to discover they overwhelmingly liked their jobs but hated the company they worked for.

When faced with adversity …

• Keep remembering the majority of times you have successfully navigated through tough times – it’s important not to forget our successes.
• Ask, what is my goal?  Is it to survive a hostile workplace or, in the case of, say, loneliness, is it to find a special person to share your life?  Often we don’t know specifically what the cure is because we are not quite accurate about the problem.
• Be watchful of your friends, family and associates while going through these difficult stretches.
• Finally, facing adversity may not be pleasant but it is personally transformational.  We become better, happier, more appreciative after standing up to tough situations.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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We all lose it from time to time – some more than others, but even the Pope the other day lost his cool when crowds in Mexico pushed him into the wheelchair of an handicapped admirer.  He shouted back, “don’t be so selfish”.

When we lose it, a time out needs to be called immediately.  The longer we wait, the harder it is to walk away until more damage is done.

But when we become the object of someone else’s bad temper, two important things:

• Remove yourself from the abuse as fast as you can.  Never stand for abuse of any kind for any reason.
• Try to give empathy. It’s hard to do but very effective.  For example, as the ill-tempered person starts their rage, we silently say, “I feel awful for that person for having to be so out of control and so hurtful”.

Here’s the magic.

Just giving an expression of empathy for even just a few seconds often prevents rebound yelling – you know, where someone attacked you and you wound up attacking them even though it was not your fight.

We’re fallible and we live in an imperfect world but we don’t have to let someone have at us or provoke us to do the same to them.

It’s a decision and it’s in our hands.

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 We human beings were not designed for the multitasking and the stressful world we live in today.

Our hunter/gatherer predecessors had to worry about animals attacking their camp and threatening their families.

We live in a different world today where we don’t fear a lion attacking us around the campfire as much as we do failure, social situations, stressful living and living up to expectations.

Knowing this, we can get a grasp on our fears by understanding that most of them will never be realized.

We are wasting our time and emotional well-being by fearing that which will never happen.

When the fear persists anyway, ask yourself what is the likelihood of this happening to me?

In fact, once we get into the worry habit, we’re not actually sure of what we are worried about. We’re just worried in general.

Spit in the face of fear.

Do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.

Seriously, we worry about worry.

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen and then go on and do it anyway.

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• Arrive early and engage those attending your presentation.  In other words, put them at ease one on one and they will pull for you while you speak.
• Start promptly, don’t wait for your audience to quiet down.  End promptly, never go longer and avoid overstaying your welcome.
• Seriously reconsider the use of PowerPoint slides and limit them to topics that must be graphically explained.   Audiences hate slides.
• Encourage or at least be open to two-way input.
• Don’t get hung up because audiences are on their phones texting and answering email.  Your job is to startle them, awaken them, and make them listen.  In a recent presentation when I was losing my audience to their smartphones I said to myself “say something that makes them want to put their phones down”.  One thing is, “I’m going to go around the room and ask for your thoughts on …”.  They’ll wake up.
• State what the goal of your presentation is and end by summarizing how you accomplished your goal.
• Avoid humor unless you are really funny.  Aim for being authentic.  Have the courage to be yourself because that always works best.
• Before beginning remember that you have earned the right to present on this topic so command the room.
• Engage the audience after your presentation and listen to them one-by-one.  This is where they get to ask questions or comment.  You listen.
• Always give yourself an “A” for completing a presentation in this way.  Never think of ways you could have been better until you take a night to give yourself credit for all you did that was right.

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Malcolm Gladwell posits that 10,000 hours of focused practice is what it takes to master success in any venture.

But some things are even more important than the gross number of hours spent chipping way at success.

• Practicing with a purpose, for example.  Nothing is worse than practicing the wrong things.

• Rote practice can block out the creativity necessary to help morph ideas and concepts to fruition.  Be careful not to lose your ability to think creatively.

• I don’t know about you but resigning myself to 10,000 hours of work to achieve my goals is not enough without being able to see those goals vividly in my mind’s eye – in color, in bright examples of why you’re making these sacrifices.

• Unfortunately, money is the worst motivator.  Hard to believe, but true.  People who achieve success can make money – lots of it – but not without a greater purpose such as gaining something that has no economic value in it on its face (best teacher, best writer, best entrepreneur your field, etc.).

In a New York Times article entitled “How To Raise a Creative Child” author Adam Grant reminds us that Einstein said, “the theory of relativity occurred to me by intuition and music is the driving force behind this intuition”.

We succeed by pursing our passions and dreams not by “becoming an ambitious robot”.

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This is a major step forward in the war against body shaming.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue has three covers this year.

One is a regular body type model – Hailey Clauson.

The second is UFC fighter Ronda Rousey, a nod to woman whose bodies are muscular enough for combat.

And then Ashley Graham who graces the third cover as the first plus size model in the history of the swimsuit issue.

It’s not just Mattel that is changing the image of Barbi dolls by offering her in different shapes and sizes.

Some day folks will look back on all this and wonder what the big deal was.

But it IS a big deal to anyone who has felt the disrespect, discrimination and societal pressures on young and old alike – male, female, any and all genders.

A bigger step forward will be when we really believe that a person is beautiful from the inside out.  The dew comes off the lily later in life even for models, actresses and entertainers.

Body image starts on the inside by being proud, strong and comfortable with the way you are.

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Suffering is transformational.

No one ever wants to suffer, but it is a necessary part of life.

Out of bad comes good.

Out of pain comes pleasure.

We grow when we deal with life’s hurts even as we improve our physical health by the motto “no pain, no gain”.

I have been fired and eventually hired for an even better position.

I have worked through divorce to know more of what I want and more of what I need to be.

Being broke and standing on the unemployment line in Camden, NJ has made me appreciate whatever good fortune I may have earned later.

I’ve overcome sickness to realize a level of health and fitness I would have never previously appreciated.

I’ve had my heart broken only to love again in a way never imagined.

Losing loved ones is so painful that it seems it will never end and although people cannot be replaced, they can be honored and become a source of life-changing inspiration for you as you live.

I am my parents and my best friend, all of whom are no longer with me but who are now always in me.

So, soak in the good times – they are well earned.

But never despair because the sorrows we must endure in life will return as joy in a much more meaningful way.

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Meetings are usually boring, a waste of time and demotivating and that’s whether they are in-person or as part of an online collaboration.

Try this one instead.

1. Call a meeting with one purpose that you will clearly define (i.e., “to determine what we’re going to do at the trade convention”).
2. Send a digital notification to potential attendees with the meeting purpose clearly defined – say no more other than where and when.
3. When everyone arrives have the group stand in a circle – no sitting permitted.  You assume a place in that circle.  A circle is more democratic than, say, a horseshoe configuration.
4. Go around the circle and have everyone contribute.  If others respond, fine, but keep the circle going.
5. Limit the meeting to 5 minutes (10 if there is a lot of useful back and forth – never longer).
6. Thank everyone at the end, make assignments or ask for volunteers.
7. Decide on follow-ups or next steps and simply disperse.

People don’t need old-fashioned meetings to come up with new age ideas.

When you get a reputation for getting something done without wasting people’s time, you will gain even more cooperation.

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