If you’re like most of us, you’ve tried many things to combat letting fear take ahold of your life.

Here’s an approach you may like because it demystifies fear and worry.

Say you have the fear of being fired or getting a disease that other families members had or fear a broken relationship – think of all the ways these things can happen attacking one issue at a time and what the likely downside would be.

Fear of being fired –  could be out of work a while, financial problems, tighten your belt.

Fear of getting a hereditary disease — it could adversely affect your health temporarily or permanently.

Broken relationship?  Loneliness, embarrassment, discouragement.

There it is – right out there.  No mysterious things lurking in your mind.

Now think of all the things that could happen that may be fortunate or unexpectedly welcomed on the same issue(s).

You could change careers, find a better job, earn more money, be happier.

That family condition might be a temporary challenge that launches you into seeking fitness and even better health.

And for every broken relationship there is an eventual next chance to be the person you want to be and find the best fit for you.

The trick is to confront both the worst-case scenarios and the best-case scenarios not just let them lurk in the shadows of your mind.

Because fear is an unpleasant emotion, it is not an accurate predictor of your future and knowing that can make all the difference.

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There is only one word that can conquer poor self-esteem.

Affirmation.

Saying to yourself what others may not ever say.

I have friends in the entertainment business who can master an audience but feel remarkably insecure about themselves.

You’d think it would be the other way around.

A few thoughts …

Be comfortable in your own shoes.

Think of yourself as a canvas – would you want someone else to paint on your canvas?

Affirm your uniqueness.  Imitating someone else can at the most make you only second best.

And most importantly, do not look to others —  even close friends and family – to affirm who and what you are.

When we let others gain that much control, we often become co-dependent to them.

Never outsource the stuff that solid self-esteem is made of to someone else.

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The best advice ever is NO advice at all.

People don’t want to hear what we would do or how we would solve their problems, they want something else.

Something that advice doesn’t give them.

Inspiration.

Whenever I think rightly or wrongly that anyone wants my advice, I always joke “well, it’s worth exactly what you’re paying for it – nothing”.

All of us want inspiration.

Words that say we can make the right decision.

Words that inspire people to action.

Consolation.

An ear and not a mouth.

My best friend Jim Weinraub always listened, asked questions and inspired confidence that, no matter what, I would be able to deal with the challenges in my life.

Think about it.

Psychologist’s offices are filled with people like us who just want to be heard and encouraged.  They do the least amount of talking.  We do the most.

When someone needs us, give them a healthy dose of inspiration not advice.

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Teaching a classroom of adults about human relations, I asked everyone to write down their 3 biggest problems on a card and put them on a table in front of the room.

They were asked NOT to write their names on the card – only their three biggest problems at that time.

Then I invited everyone in the audience to come forward and randomly pick up a card that was not their own and return to their seats.

They read the three biggest problems of some random person on the cards.

Cancer.

Divorce.

Unemployment.

Family strife.

And worse.

Then I asked the group, “How many of you would like to have your own problems back again?”

As long as I have been doing this exercise, not one person ever wanted to trade their troubles for someone else’s.

The other day when I was struggling with a problem of my own, my wife reminded me of these cards and she said “Remember, you will want you own problems back again”.

The secret to dealing with life’s challenges is knowing that we are uniquely qualified to be the one to deal with them.

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What you don’t know is about the only thing that can hurt you.

It’s what we ruminate about – the thing that for us makes us the most anxious and fearful.

Even though it has been proven that our scariest fears rarely if ever come true.

So overcoming fear is a lesson in first learning what scares you the most.

If you fear being alone, the potential breakup of a relationship can drive you beyond crazy.

If you worry about money, any threat that even remotely has to do with money will own you. 

If you are scared of losing your job either for financial reasons or for the damage it would do to your self-esteem (or both), you will likely not need much to happen at work that would trip you off.

The revelation is that we humans tend to worry about what we’re already worried about either from our families of origin or from life’s experience.

There are endless techniques to deal with worry.

My favorite is to constantly remind myself that the chance of what I fear actually happening is miniscule.

But fears grow in the fertile places of our mind.

Confront the one or two issues that causes us the most anxiety and we can prevent a lot of stress and unhappiness.

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You’ve heard that we are what we eat.

But we also are what we think.

Few negative people see themselves as being negative.

When someone says can’t, do you say can?

I do not think the Pollyanna approach to positivity works for very long.

I prefer a more effective approach – and one that you can take for a test drive this very day—is to vow to balance every negative thought with a verifiable positive thought.

Whether the thought emanates from your mind or from the mouths of others.

Let’s try it now.

You’re always late is balanced with I’m always there for people when they need me (and I have a recent example to prove it).

I always put things off is replaced by Here’s something that I did before it was needed (with an example).

It’s always about you is balanced with Here’s the last time I put someone else’s needs and desires ahead of mine. 

Does one of these negative thoughts come to mind? 

This balancing process is private – not to be shared with others.

They are meant to balance off negative thoughts with actual positive thoughts – the one’s most of us forget while we are busy criticizing ourselves.

And it doesn’t mean that we can’t be even better.

How does it feel after a day of counterbalancing what’s wrong with what’s right?

It makes you feel good about yourself.

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I love the Warren Buffett quote:

“You can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant”

Our world is filled with anxiety.

Impatience.

The desire to get all that we want exactly when we want it.

Maybe it’s the other way around.

Spend more time on finding out what is worth having, dig and get prepared to do whatever it takes, however long it takes to make it happen.

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Google is one of the most desirable places for young people to work.

They have almost every benefit from free food, dry cleaning, child care and health care but they have one thing money can’t buy.

A day to work on anything you want.

One day a week, Google employees can choose to work on any project they like without having it pre-approved by management.

It’s difficult to see how most companies can match this offer but for those of us who are self-employed and seemingly have more control over how our time is used, what’s our excuse?

I’m not here to reinvent the workplace but I am interested in fostering our creativity and enhancing our lives.

Do you have a day when you can follow your individual pursuits?  Okay, how about half a day or an hour.

When I was on-the-air I remember a stretch where I worked a shift virtually every day for months – seven days a week.  Some days, two shifts.  Until finally I had to threaten to quit to get a much needed day off.

Now, to the extent possible, try to consciously do something different at least one day a week or if that’s not possible for a good chunk of time.

Even a Saturday or Sunday.

Google is still one of the most productive companies in the world.  Their workforce is envied.

Maybe they know something that we should integrate into our lives about productivity and creativity.

A day when you go exploring can payoff in countless ways.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.

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Get the facts.

Analyze the facts.

Come up with an action plan.

Too many of the decisions we regret are made because we are thinking with our hearts and not with our heads.

We’re being overly emotional.

Or we’re basing decisions on assumptions that are incorrect.

The best decisions come when we get the facts first and then spend some time analyzing them.

The action step that follows will have a better chance of being fruitful than agonizing over problems that are misperceived.

As a Dale Carnegie instructor I suggested that if you wanted to change the way you make decisions and could only do one thing, this would be that one thing.

Get the problem right by stating it out loud.

It you think about it, we wind up solving the wrong problems, dealing with the wrong issues because we don’t take the time to define the problem properly.

Before this day ends, you will likely have the opportunity to make a significant decision about something personal, career or dealing with other people.

Try this – think about the real problem and then say it out loud.

If you can do that you are well on your way to making better decisions.

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When we eat in a restaurant, we trust the chef to cook a tasty and healthy meal for us.

When we fly, we trust the pilot to get us safely to our destination.

And when we have surgery, we trust the physician to do no harm and deliver a favorable outcome.

Yet we have a hard time trusting others – people we work with, family members, partners.

And yet we know that the best way to gain control is to give up control.

So what’s the hang up?

Cultivating an attitude of adventure that makes something inside of us say, I do not feel like influencing a decision right now.

I have a friend who, when he tries a new restaurant asks the server “What is the best thing on the menu?”

One they tell him, he hands the menu back and says, “I’ll have that”.

He is rarely disappointed even if he might have preferred another meal.

The reason most people are obsessive about control is because we do not cultivate the spirit of adventure that helps us enjoy being surprised.

And those around us enjoy being trusted.

Save control for the big issues that matter most where you want to get the facts and analyze the facts.

For everything else, cultivate a sense of consciously giving up having it your way and watch how happy you are and how surprised and pleased those around you are when they are trusted.

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Ed Snider, the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers National Hockey League team and wealthy entrepreneur, was always called “Mr. Snider” – not Ed.

He always asked people to call him Ed, but they never did.

Because they had too much respect for him.

How many people do you know who are referred to as “Mister” these days?

Snider was a tough negotiator, hard-nose businessman and after all, the founder of the “Broad Street Bullies”.

But underneath it all, Mr. Snider (as even the fans often called him), was a good guy who treated his players like family.

Bob Clarke, the captain of The Flyers two Stanley Cup teams and a man who Snider often said was like a son to him, joked that Mr. Snider treated him better than his own children because he never had to discipline him.

Snider gave Clarke a lifetime contract with the Flyers for as long as he wanted it – and he kept his word even when Clarke left the team and returned.

He would help former players who were in financial trouble with generosity that is uncommon among owners of sports franchises.

He gave them jobs with the organization.  Helped their families.  Was there in time of illness and tragedy.

Recently Ed Snider died after a long battle with cancer.

He may not be remembered years from today for building a sports dynasty but he will almost certainly not be forgotten by the people who worked for him that he treated like family.

To earn more respect from others, you don’t have to demand it.

Just treat them like one of your own.

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I attended a seminar in Phoenix a few years back by Dr. Amit Sood, a Mayo Clinic physician and author of the book Stress-Free Living. 

He jolted everyone when as one of his helpful suggestions he said “don’t postpone joy”.

I sat there guilty as charged.

Perhaps you’re like me.  And it’s not that I’m not grateful for the good things (and sometimes even bad) that happen.

It’s that I tend not to take anytime celebrating the good things that happen – even the little things.

I just move on to whatever challenge is next.

So here’s the fix.

When you do something good – or great or even when you step up and confront a problem.  Celebrate it.

Here’s a few ways:

• Tell someone about it.

• Take time to congratulate and reward yourself.

• Credit others who may have helped you achieve joy.  If you go for a walk with your child without cellphones and talk and find yourselves laughing and having a good time, thank that person for the laughs you had together.

• Look for opportunities to become aware of the joyful things that happen in your life.

Too frequently we humans are better at agonizing over perceived problems, which makes us postpone joy.

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Marilyn Sorensen, PhD and author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem helps us differentiate between guilt and shame.

“Unlike guilt which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong”.

Father Martin Padovani Healing Wounded Emotions says:

“There is healthy shame that we all need – that we are worthwhile persons with boundaries and limitations.  The ‘shamed” and the ‘shameless” are unfortunately present in epidemic proportions in society.”

Shame kills self-esteem.

Love kills shame.

Shame is the killer of our spirit and makes us a slave to comments from others that eventually can control our self-esteem.

The most effective ways to deal with shame:

• Accept your faults only as long as you can name an equal number of good virtues giving thanks for the good things to balance the ledger.

• Avoid being co-dependent to another person (i.e., don’t rely on them to validate you).

• No one must ever get your permission to act in an abusive way.

• Self-love is the antidote for shame.  The more you cultivate and appreciate the fine person you are – faults and all – the less likely you will become a victim of living with the debilitating residue of shame.

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Not “me”.

Not “I”.

It’s “you”.

When we talk in terms of another’s interests, they are drawn to us especially in a self-absorbed world.

The best way to cure yourself of self-absorption is to ban the use of the words “I” and “me” from your vocabulary for a week or so and see if you like the response.

But say “you” a lot because the one sure way to make people feel kindly towards you is when your focus is on them, not yourself.

Ask them about themselves.

Don’t feel obliged to weigh in on everything with a me, to a follow up comment.

I realize that we live in an age of self-absorption but it makes the person who can focus on “you” even more impressive.

Rest “me” and “I”.

Try “you”

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I don’t know how to put this delicately, but The Huffington Post the other day featured a story about the increase in people having sex with their phones in their hands.

Wait one minute.

According to the article (which you’ll notice I read, by the way), the sound of a text message is often more alluring than – well, you get the point.

We are entering an age when our cellphones and digital screens are killing relationships.

Social media is fun but not a substitute for living in real time with other people.

Here is some of the best cellphone advice I have gathered that is becoming more relevant every day.

• Never at dinner – phones should be out of sight where they cannot be heard.

• I’m hearing doctors say that for a better night’s sleep don’t look at a screen within at least an hour before bedtime.

• You’re not going to listen to this one but it is becoming popular advice: don’t put your phone on the table next to your bed.

• Go for walks with phones off – powered down.

• Look for reasons to call, not text. We text too much. Texting is good for some things but not a replacement for the warmth of a human voice.

• My favorite and most difficult: consciously try to find a way to use your phone less.

I’m not giving up my phone. I like it. Okay, I love it. But I am not about to let my phone become my life.

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My best friend was an insurance salesman and a good man.

He actually delivered the death benefit checks to the widow or widower and attended the funerals.

So when he first said it, I was surprised.

Aspire, don’t retire.

Here’s the gist of his thinking.

Each day, the harder you work, the more you earn the right to aspire to anything you want at some point.

You may work 55 hours a week and love your work, so you can choose to work 25 hours a week if you like at some point.

Or aspire to something you have always wanted to do.

My friend Dan Mason left his executive post at CBS Radio to try his hand at something he always wanted to do – play-by-play basketball.  His first broadcasts of women’s basketball games were exciting because he prepared for the task as if he were 21.

This is not about age.

College students understandably talk about making money when they graduate (to help pay their student loans among other things) but many wish for a time when they don’t have to work.  This is before they even start their careers.

No matter the age – always aspire.

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We read books, go to counselors, watch Dr. Phil – and it’s still difficult for us to change our ways.

Why is this?

I believe that people – all of us – can be expert at learning about ourselves but what took place very early in our lives in our families of origin set the path for the rest of our lives.

Child psychologists agree.  Our basic personality is set in the pre-school years.

Unless we come from perfect families – and I have yet to meet that person, everyone is dysfunctional in some way or another.  Some more than others.

Recently I had an epiphany.

A person I know died but in his last conversation with me shared how hard it was to choose sobriety every day for decades.

And make that tough choice, he did.

He became sober by choosing to be sober every day – sometimes more than once a day – day after day.  That’s change you can count on.

It’s no different for the rest of us.

We can gain great insights from counseling and that can be helpful but actively choosing a course of behavior is what really changes us.

Each choice may be short-lived but just as my friend chose over and over again to be sober, we can choose that which we want independent of whether it comes easy to us.

Choose to be a more loving spouse than perhaps our family members were.

Choose to be more empathetic by consciously saying to yourself – that must be awful, difficult (you provide the right word) for that person.

Choosing not to judge or shame others each time you become aware of it.

Choosing to fix that which we break in our complex relationships.

We don’t change no matter what great insight we have into our behavior.

We make choices that can bring about a more positive outcome.

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Here are some of the things psychologists and family counselors say about never becoming a patient of theirs.

• Eat one meal a day together with digital devices off.

• Be 100% present when you are with a loved one – being present is far more important then how long you are in each other’s company.

• Don’t try to change another person no matter how much you may want to – it guarantees that at least one of you will always be very unhappy.

• Show empathy toward the other person – the ability to understand and share feelings.

• Avoid grading each other.

• Work as hard at your relationship as you work at your career and you will be just as successful.

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It always amazes me that in study after study, the overwhelming fear of people like us is not even death or illness or loss of a job or a loved one.

They all rank high but number one and ascending every year is our fear of speaking.

Yes, we fear speaking even more than our own death.

As a radio and television performer I have had people ask me why I don’t get nervous and I stop them dead in their tracks and say, I do.  I have butterflies but I get them to fly in formation.

And that’s the key.

Try to imitate another speaker and the best you can be is second to them.

Insist on being scared instead of being authentic and, yes, you will guarantee a lifelong fear of speaking.

That presentation you need to make has probably caused anxiety and loss of sleep.

So, have the courage to be yourself in front of a group.

If you are comfortable in your own shoes, audiences will be comfortable with you as well.

And a few quick hints for those special speaking fears that run rampant so you can put them in their proper place.

• Number one rule, which should never be violated – speak only on what you know.

• The fear that you will forget what to say is laid to rest by simply reviewing something that you previously said or, as I like to say “where was I?”  If no one answers, I usually joke “was it that impressive?”  They laugh.  I promise, someone will tell you where you left off.
• For those whose faces get red, red is a beautiful color.  Enjoy it.

• If you think you’re not loud enough, some of the most compelling talks I have ever heard have been by speakers with a soft voice.

• If you are afraid to look individual audience members in the eye, remember that when you do, they will make you more comfortable.

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When I feel like I am being ignored or dismissed, it makes me angry.

It has something to do with my childhood – the attention on another family member’s illness when growing up and not getting enough of what I thought I needed.

I can withstand just about anything – name-calling, insults, embarrassment – but being ignored or forgotten is my big weakness.

I share this with my extended family here because knowing what that trigger is can make all the difference in the world.

I see it in others more easily than I see it in myself.

The 15-year old who becomes angry and out of control when she feels helpless.

And for all those years I thought it didn’t matter what my biggest weakness is because it’s mine, and it’s private.

That turns out to be wrong.

If we don’t know that weakness, believe me someone else will discover it and not be so gentle with us.

Maybe a boss.

A friend.

Even or especially a family member.

So what is your biggest weakness – the thing that makes you react instead of respond when it comes over you?

Knowing it means everything and can make life a lot happier and rewarding when we can put it in its proper place.

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