All of us are guilty of getting so caught up in our phones that we miss the good that happens.

• My young NYU students are impressed by the metric that indicates that out of 100 things that will happen to us only 4 could be considered bad.
• YET our minds treat every concern as bad and we pay an emotional price for thinking that way.
• We own our phones — they don’t own us – no one every died from missing a message.
• According to research by nurses, those who have entered hospice in advance of their death had regrets that they didn’t spend more time with the people who mattered most in their lives.

Students get to grade their teachers for better or worse – here’s a topic that pops up a lot on their report card about me:

• Thank you for not letting us use our phones during class – it helps us to focus (I get that a lot)
• Often young people are critical of their parents for using their phones all day long and wishing they would put their phones down and pay more attention to them – it’s not about duration, it’s all focus.
• It’s only been a little more than a decade since the smartphone and social media apps changed life as we know it – phase two is living a less distracted life with the many benefits of digital life.

Many of us try hard not to be judgmental of others, but we often bold ourselves to a different standard.

• The only thing you want to compare yourself to is yourself yesterday.
• Everything else is meaningless.
• Avoid the comparison trap because the goal is to feel good about yourself not how you stack up to someone else which is totally irrelevant.
• Admire the positive and admirable traits of others without feeling envy or low self-confidence in comparison.

Avoid inflating others by putting yourself down.

As a radio program director one of my favorite on-air promotions was “Christmas Wish” where listeners told the station what would make their holiday dreams come true and a few were picked at random on-air and offered prize packages.

• A military wife might have asked for a trip overseas to see her husband and when chosen by the station received a roundtrip ticket, pocket cash and a present to take along. You get the idea.
• But Christmas Wish can be done without any monetary consideration and without having to be the lucky winner chosen by a radio station.
• Think about the one thing that someone special in your life wants that is not driven by cash considerations alone and be the one to give that gift.

The best gifts can be the ones when you become Santa Claus by discovering the inner wishes and dreams of those that matter most.

Have a Happy Holiday – we will return to start the new year on a positive note.

The actress is no helicopter mom.  She wants her children to suffer a little “benign neglect”:

• Letting kids be bored and figure out what to do.
• Trying things without a parent hovering over them.
• Building resilience by letting them fail but giving them a helping hand to get up and try again.
• Being 100% present when focused on time together or absent for they can get involved in something else.
• Be ready to step in immediately on matters of bullying and safety.

Once again, you gain control by letting go in all types of relationships including a little “benign neglect”.

My NYU students were talking about iPad babies during a discussion on immersive technology and the music business.

• One said, “they (parents) just hand a 3-year old an iPad and expect them to go play”.
• Parents set important examples in many ways including negative ones where they choose to be on their digital devices instead of engaging with their children.
• One of the toughest addictions to break is relying on smartphones for fear of missing out on something – when young people try it (usually against their will), they often discover that they have the power to control their devices not the other way around.

In the digital age, phones are adult pacifiers just like iPads for toddlers – balance comes from taking control of digital usage not waiting until it feels right.

That’s what it is right now – down from 75 seconds in 2012 according to CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

• Commercials have decreased to match the fading attention span from what was once the common 60 second spot, to 30 seconds, then 15 and now it’ not unusual to see 6-second commercials.
• “There’s a fine line between attention and distraction” as almost everyone of all ages find themselves challenged to stay focused on what they are doing.
• The key is to be both engaged and challenged and know when your best time is to focus says Dr. Gupta.

Multitasking is what we all do but it makes matter worse – doing multiple things simultaneously causes more anxiety and less productivity so the answer is prioritize that which is important and try to stay engaged while you make doing the task more challenging.

Isolation can be as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is a greater risk than being sedentary or obese according to the surgeon general.

• The pandemic lockdown didn’t make things better, it promoted more loneliness.
• BUT, there are ways to ease the loneliness – one is to rely less on the bubble we find ourselves in when on digital devices – engage more with those around us.
• And the number of people we know doesn’t necessarily mean an end to loneliness – we can have many friends and be lonely.
• It’s who you spend time with, how you engage them in the present and share a part of you.

“If you feel lonely, don’t be just with other lonely people … That’s not going to be productive.” – Ruth Westheimer, New York State Honorary Ambassador to Loneliness.

She’s got to be everyone’s favorite Dallas Cowboys cheerleader – with exception of Eagles fans, perhaps.

• She stole the show when she did the halftime entertainment dressed in a Cowboys cheerleader’s outfit – the only thought most people had was how cool she was.
• Former player and football analyst Tony Romo couldn’t stop talking about her.
• So how did she bridge the generation gap and carry it off?
• Dolly Parton carries so much goodwill, kindness and authenticity that there is little that she cannot do which underscores the importance to making a lifetime of good deeds to win the long-term goodwill of others.
• Here is her performance in case you missed it.

Inspiring work associates or family to greater heights works best when we see things through their point of view:

• The great Notre Dame football coach Ara Parseghian got the best out of his football players by showing them the future not the present.
• “A good coach will make his players see what they can be rather than what they are”.

The carrot at the end of the stick is not the status quo, it’s looking ahead to unlocking your potential.

Sports teams dine out a lot and when the check arrives everyone throws their credit cards into a hat and the waiter pulls out the “winner” who will pay for  everyone’s meal.

• Having fun is dessert – no one complains.
• I’ve been sharing that in one of my NYU classes, I award a FREE PASS certificate to the class member left standing for the final of 20 questions – yes, they each get a lifeline and the amazing part is that everyone has fun while the main tenets of the course are getting engrained in their minds with new ones added weekly.

Adding fun to life is something we can all do with the knowledge that almost everyone appreciates it.

It’s just as important to think of how you’re going to use the benefits of flexible working hours as it is to just have them.

• That connecting with family, friends and loved ones is based on not the number of hours spent in their company, but the quality of time focused on them without external distractions.
• That humans have a way of filling up “free time” with other tasks and responsibilities – be warned.
• And that replacing “saved time” such as commuting can be squandered on your phone and social media instead of living it in the present.

Steve Jobs in 1996 at a high school commencement:

“If you don’t have any of these feelings, called dreams, then you’re in trouble. Before you “spend” four or more years of your life going in a direction your heart may or may not want you to go, you need to recapture them”.

• Dreams are not just a luxury; they are the sparks that ignite our future lives.
• Take a moment to continue dreaming so that your future success will have meaning beyond only monetary rewards.

Here’s a way to lighten our load:

• As sure as you awaken each morning, you will be the recipient of a new problem or burden.
• Few people say “hey, I’ve got another problem to deal with, which one of the other problems I’m wrestling with can I let go of”.
• Instead, we keep allowing ourselves to pile them on as quickly as they come.
• Trading in an old problem that cannot be solved right now for a newer one is the ultimate act of letting go of anxiety.

All of us can handle a given number of problems, but none of us can be burdened with everything that comes along so introducing this act of choice makes a difference worth trying.

To celebrate meaningfully …

• To yourself, think of a few people you are or have been thankful for in your life – think about why and enjoy the feeling of being grateful.
• To everyone you come in contact with that day say to yourself “I wish you well” and see if this doesn’t elevate your mood every time you do it.
• To the person in charge of your Thanksgiving feast, propose a toast to thank that person in front of everyone else – be prepared for the tears of appreciation.

A holiday is not necessary to practice gratitude but this day is a perfect one for sharpening the skills of showing gratitude.

Think it is your cellphone, think again.

• Half the time we are distracted by none other than ourselves.
• Meanwhile we are working at slowing down notifications, focusing on digital distractions and other obvious competitors for our attention.
• One of the biggest distractions is when we allow ourselves to think about all our unfinished tasks.
• Multitasking is a big mistake and yet employers demand it and we parents feel compelled to do it just to keep order in our family’s lives.

It’s the thought of yet something else to do, our inability to stay focused by promising ourselves a reward if we do and, of course, the dark hole of social media which not only distracts but trains us to return for repeated distraction.

Turns out we have the power to influence that.

Our attention spans are really, really short and getting shorter.

• When they first started measuring them in 2003 people’s average attention span on a screen was two and a half minutes.
• In 2012 it was 75 seconds.
• In the last 5 years it has been averaging 47 seconds.
• Many years ago, it was common to see 60 second commercials and they went down to 30 seconds and then 15 seconds. Now, it’s not uncommon to see six second commercials.
• Personality is a factor as is whether we are more distractable than others.

The Fix:  Stay engaged and stay challenged, it’s hard to lose focus when these two conditions are present and as a bonus when you need the attention of another do the same – keep them engaged and challenged.

Have you heard of the Air Traffic Controller’s Guide to Life?

• They are under intense pressure every one minute as another airplane lands or takes off – talk about anxiety!
• Air traffic controllers work two-hour shifts and then take 45 minutes off to unwind and refocus before returning to the pressure cooker.
• It’s not necessary for the rest of us to get a 45-minute break every two hours, but some kind of time away is essential.
• You can’t stare at a computer screen and remain sitting for hours without fatigue clouding the mind – wait, students can’t learn if they are in their seats for too long without a break.

Our brains were not built to be on constantly – if we start recognizing that inherent fact today, we can adapt the stress in our lives to the relief that only we can give it.

The author Amit Sood says “I have learned that there are instances when the negative feedback comes from a place of ignorance” – it’s not a well-meaning critique.

• Dale Carnegie famously said don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
• Harsh words are meant to be vicious and not designed to be of help.
• The iconic football coach Vince Lombardi was famous for not criticizing his players when they did something wrong – instead, he showed them what they had done right.

If you must criticize someone, start with you by sharing what you have done wrong and then suggesting an alternative to others.

This is a powerful and easy lesson in human relations that can make our day better and elevate us to a role of teacher instead of criticizer.

Turns out there is a big difference between our brains and our minds.

• Our brains exist to protect us not to make us happy so the good news there is that we’re likely not doing anything wrong to experience unhappiness.
• Understand how your brain operates –in a state of distraction focusing on threats and imperfection and dismissing the good.
• The good news is that out of 100 events in a given day four are bad and 96% are good.

If we focus on what’s right in our lives rather than what is wrong, we are reprogramming our brain to make us more positive.