Try to understand others before you expect them to understand you.

They probably don’t “get” you because you don’t get them.

Think about their limitations and fears.

Look at it like this:  they are attempting to defend themselves more than hurt you.

Some common ground can get reached.

And you don’t have to agree.

“Tell me what you’re thinking” is a disarming way to gain insight into others and often leads to a better understanding of what you feel.

We know what doesn’t work:  arguments, fights, insults, hurt, talking past each other.

Being better understood starts with making sure the word “you” is among the first words you say.

I let a driver onto the road in front of me when no one else would car-after-car and in return there was no wave, thumbs up or even a look in my direction.

Post-Covid driving is crazy – cars cutting in and out just to gain a few hundred yards, last minute exits on interstates, driving distracted near you and driving too close to your car to get you to drive faster even when you’re exceeding the speed limit.

I was hit going into the Holland Tunnel on my way out of New York City and when I got out of my vehicle, the cause of the accident was still on his phone texting – and yes, he said I hit him even though he hit me from behind.

Other people’s shortcomings are not an excuse to become like them.

The best response is to be the driver you want to be and steer away from trouble.

This reminds me of what happiness doctor Amit Sood does when he looks upon others and wishes them well in his mind so a bad driver can’t make one out of you.

Our minds go astray when we’re bored – a good thing because it prompts us to be more creative and look for new things.

87% of teenagers in the U.S. have a smartphone and presumably are on social media looking to scratch the itch of FOMO (fear of missing out).

The Academy of Management Studies did this experiment:

It drove its subjects into boredom by asking them to sort beans by color but a second group was given a less boring task.

Wouldn’t you know the bored out of their mind bean counters came up with better ideas when given their next assignment which was to come up with good excuses for tardiness.

I used to walk everywhere when I was a kid – I left my Walkman home and just fed my imagination which today is pretty healthy.

Boredom has its benefits.  It stimulates us into creativity.

Here’s that study.

Okay, I am a music business professor and I don’t have to be convinced of the many benefits of music therapy, but listen to this.

Music therapy is a potential intervention for cognition of Alzheimer’s Disease according to a study in the National Library of Medicine.

It turns out doing crossword puzzles is not the only way to fend off age related dementia.

Music therapy can be considered a non-pharmacological adjunct to reducing cognitive decline and “combination method with dance, art, video game, physical exercise, and so on is excitingly helpful. We should make a therapeutic strategy individually according to preference and physical endurance of every patient”.

Among the variations:  singing songs, listening to music to reduce mood symptoms and behavior disorders.  Here’s the study.

Combining music therapy with dance, physical exercise, video game, art and other things

is yet another benefit of music therapy that I plan to share with my NYU music business stress class this fall because the benefits are accrued at any age.

Music is not only the soundtrack of our lives; it is life itself.

Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel offered a choice of a marshmallow or pretzel stick to a child (their preference) and then left the room for 15 minutes.

In follow-up studies (SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass and other things), children who could wait longer and delay gratification were shown to have better life outcomes.

Today we’re bombarded with FOMO (fear of missing out), attention addictions and relationship challenges caused by digital devices.

The takeaway is the more we can learn to delay gratification, the happier we are.

If you measure happiness like billionaire Ray Dalio of Bridgewater hedge fund, then his words may resonate with you:

“Once you realize that deferred gratification will improve you, you begin to count and say how many days, months, weeks, or years can I live if I don’t spend the money I have coming in”.

The ability to defer gratification is directly associated with happiness and financial success.

Diana Nyad tried to swim in the shark infested waters between Havana and Key West several times when she was younger but just couldn’t do it.

But she didn’t give up and tried later in life when she succeeded at the age of 64.

Now 73, Nyad recalls when she completed the endurance swim, she shouted never give up.

Ageism seems to be the one form of discrimination that we tolerate but this isn’t just the story of an outstanding older athlete, it’s about young people who are often dismissed because of their age.

I see this all the time in the college classroom where my students who are smarter than ever and ready to succeed must face the doubts of others because of their relative youth.

Nyad does 1,000 burpees a day (click here to see what a burpee is) – it takes her over 2 hours but she says she makes the time for it every day of the week.

Proving once again that the best way to overcome ageism at any age is accomplishment.

The worst thing to say to someone who is clearly in a bad mood is I know how you must feel.

No, you don’t.

Chin up.

Not that easy.

Things will get better.

Easy for you to say.

So, what do you do?

Ask for advice, get the other person to help you with something.

We humans love to be asked for advice – it makes us feel good, useful, sometimes even happy.

Staying busy is the special sauce to deal with the blues and helping another person get busy by asking for advice is mutually beneficial.

In one of my music business classes, we start with a few music videos that students chose which represent how they are feeling or what to feel.

On the last day of class, we watched an Aretha Franklin video suggested by a Gen Z student that almost turned the room into a raucous live venue.

I’ve always said it is hard to be depressed playing music in a radio studio (until the boss walks in, that is).

Music as background noise is one thing – as a choice matched to feelings is another.

This is a tough world we live in but music is a cure all when the music matches how we feel.

We have a therapist for problems, a med for disorders and there’s a song to choose for joy.

Listening is the number one way to make people like you – none other than the great master of human relations, Dale Carnegie said so.

But we live the age of everyone talking – and few bother to stop and make the conversation reciprocal.

This is partially due to our addiction to social media and chat.

On the first day of a new class, almost everyone is seated, on their phones, looking down and oblivious to anyone around them and yet young people wish they could make more friends.

At the end of last semester, a student asked me to allow time for students to introduce themselves to each other – what a great idea that I am stealing for September.

To make a friend, ask questions and listen – it’s not sexy advice, but it works every time.

Or, as Nilsson sang:

Everybody’s talkin’ at me
I don’t hear a word they’re sayin’
Only the echoes of my mind

Bruce Cassidy, a successful NHL hockey coach won the Stanley Cup one year to the day when he was fired by his former team, The Boston Bruins — his bosses were dissatisfied  with his coaching even though he had a winning record.

I believe they said his coaching approach had a negative impact on certain players, especially the younger ones.

Oops.

John Stevens had his playing career come to an end when he suffered an eye injury so he coached and won at the minor league level, made the playoffs at the pro level and has three rings as assistant coach of championship teams – most recent with Bruce Cassidy mentioned above.

The toughest thing to do is keep believing in yourself when adversity strikes but if you don’t believe in you, how can you ask anyone else to?

Believe and achieve in addition to what has to be overcome.

For those who care to make life, products, services and art for people they will never meet – yes, radio broadcasters, too – Steve Jobs had a pertinent thought about that in 2007 four years before he died.

“There’s lots of ways to be, as a person. And some people express their deep appreciation in different ways. But one of the ways that I believe people express their appreciation to the rest of humanity is to make something wonderful and put it out there.

“And you never meet the people. You never shake their hands. You never hear their story or tell yours. But somehow, in the act of making something with a great deal of care and love, something’s transmitted there. And it’s a way of expressing to the rest of our species our deep appreciation. So we need to be true to who we are and remember what’s really important to us.”

One of the “stretching” exercises we do in my NYU music business stress class is to forgive others.

If you’re tempted to say a person who hurt you doesn’t deserve forgiveness, remember you are doing this for yourself and your good mental health

Researchers found that regardless of age, those who could forgive reduced their own stress.

And it helps you ruminate less which helps reduce psychological disorders.

Some people do it in anger, others ruminate to the point of depression – some anxiously.

So as difficult as it sounds, forgiving someone who hurt you is one of the more effective responses for improving mental health.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting but learning to let go of anger and pain is a gift to you and it ensures that you will never be like the person you are forgiving.

So, who are you going to forgive this week?

Here are my final words to young people before summer vacation.

I would give anything to be you at this point in time.

Yes, with all the challenges and problems but also the endless opportunities.

You see times of great disruption spawn great options for the future.

The sure thing is uncertain.

What is sure is that confronting chaos and making sense of it is the ultimate challenge of a lifetime.

Never listen to the naysayers.

Depressions, recessions, political turmoil, social upheaval – move on.

The more things change, the better your chance to succeed.

I’d give any money I’ve made, possessions I’ve gained and whatever notoriety I have accrued to date to be at the starting line with you today at this time of great opportunity.

Don’t let anyone or anything prevent you from living your life and career to the fullest because now is that moment.

Emily McDonald who is a neuroscientist got 4 million TikTok views with this advice.

When we wake up first thing our brains are in a most vulnerable programable state and what many people do is reach for their phone or digital device – the worst time of day to mess with your brain’s dopamine.

So, she says don’t go near a phone for 20 minutes to a half hour after you’re awake.

Same thing at night, decompress for an hour before turning in.

Being around people under 22 years old, you can see how their phones and social media have weaponized their attention, stolen self-esteem and seriously impacted on their relationships with others.

You are what you allow Google, Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, your email, texts and online reading to feed you before your brain is ready.

What is it with the highways since the lockdown ended – Reckless driving, knowingly running red lights that have long turned from amber, darting in and out with or without signaling.

In New Jersey you can hit #77 on your phone to report aggressive drivers – hey, that’s 80% of all drivers in New Jersey!

I once called #77 to report an 18-wheeler on the Turnpike whose driver threw a tire iron (that’s right) out of his cab at the vehicle in back of him – it must of really made him lose it and it could have ended in disaster.

Nothing was done even after the call.

How to exist in a world of anger when you’re not angry – after first taking care to be safe and defensive, a mindset of understanding that we can only control ourselves and no one else which is impossible.

The breakdown of manners, consideration and empathy shows up everywhere but it doesn’t have to stop us from living the way we want one person at a time.

We always have control, but we don’t always exercise it.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – John Bradshaw.

American users of TikTok spend an average of 93 minutes a day on the social media app – double their time on Facebook and Instagram.

And a hell of a lot more time than they spend on school work – and that’s a fact confirmed by Sensor Tower analytics.

Even if you don’t use TikTok, never heard of it or think you don’t spend that long on it – digital distractions are everywhere in our lives.

Whether it’s TikTok or something else, how can we say all we need is another hour a day, more time to get things done when we already have enough.

This is another wakeup call that we can gain control of our time.

The power within all of us is there to be exercised by being mindful all day of how we choose to use our time.

Watch TV?  That’s 141 hours per month, 1,692 hours per year or 15 years of your life if you live to the average U.S. expectancy of 78.

How would you use 93 minutes a day?

I can’t wait to ask a classroom full of students this fall how they would use 93 minutes of found time – and, I’ll probably claim some of it for their homework assignments.

As the school year ends, let me just mention that one of the most popular aspects of our new NYU stress in the music business class is journaling.

Without exception students looking to reduce anxiety, avoid depression and insulate themselves from unnecessary stress have joyfully embraced this technique.

They say it helps them focus on problems, be more objective about possible solutions and actually take pleasure in seeing progress.

It requires regularly talking to your digital device and inputting thoughts – there are no rules.

My students share their journals with me privately over 14 weeks and I can attest to the fact that they are open, honest and authentic in describing their life’s challenges.

At the conclusion of the semester many said they plan to continue journaling – imagine, something therapeutic that feels rewarding.

The world is complicated; we are bombarded with challenges; sometime it feels like we lose our grip on them.

If you’ve ever considered journaling, it provides valuable insight into how you view your daily challenges and how you’re making more progress than you might think.

Nearly 70% of Americans wish they could replace one of their body parts with one that works better.

And you thought the Kardashians were the only ones all over this long ago.

Millennials are more likely to complain about pain during their daily activities than the older baby boom generation (76% to 50%).

Don’t shoot me for asking whether working remotely during covid helped stem this surprising revelation.

The Joint Chiropractic did the poll so one way or the other, it looks like business will be good for them based on the findings.

One in five say their pain peaks between noon and 3 pm; 51% are always or often uncomfortable while sleeping.

Here’s the thing:  With few major health exceptions, the body parts most people have (and certainly millennials born roughly between 1981 and 1996 have) are working well enough.

We just need to give them a little love and attention – people are bad at taking care of themselves; bad at routine maintenance.

Mental positivity applies to how we think and how we use our physical assets (arms, legs, etc).

There’s little need for a re-do, but some regular maintenance will reap tons of benefits.

It doesn’t get worse than this – The Eagles returned to the Super Bowl last year and lost after an impressive season.

Ok, yes it does.

Pete Carroll was a yard away from a second Super Bowl in 2015 and it was on him – the wrong call, a resulting interception allowing the Patriots to pull out the game — he took the blame and it hurt.

How do winners handle heartbreaking defeat.

Eagles coach Nick Siriani:

“We’ll overcome this too … we’ll use it to motivate us.  We’ll use this pain, we’ll use this failure to motivate us so we can make it a strength.”

Ours would truly be a storybook world if everything worked out the way we wanted it to.

Winners take adversity and use it as a building block for success.

As a Dale Carnegie Course instructor for many years, I learned that problem solving begins with identifying the problem.

Most of the time people skip right to the solution – whatever they can come up with and as soon as possible – it usually doesn’t end well.

Of course, the best way is to spend a lot of time trying to define the problem for which you are trying to solve.

The same goes for adding meaning to life:  what is the goal for killing ourselves to accomplish something; do we really want to; is it all about the money (spoiler alert: it rarely is).

Here’s where a mission statement comes in.

Three things.

In three phrases, not sentences and easily memorable.

For example, here’s mine:

1. Empower young people.
2. Promote truth telling.
3. Support media and music.

For #1, I could have said teach college as I do at NYU, but empower young people is a whole lot more challenging and makes me focus on the real picture.

#2, I could have said expose greedy media companies and those who would deprive musicians of making a living, but to promote truth telling is a bigger payoff for everyone.

And #3,  I could have said write about media and music but I’d soon get bored because the real challenge is to keep those in power honest and to hold them to their actions.

Your mission, should you accept it is to put together a memorable mission statement, you’ll never veer off course and your time will be most wisely spent.