We know too many people.

Have too many friends that aren’t really “friends”.

We try to do too much when less makes us just as happy.

We try to make too many people like and respect us when it is better to be exactly who you want to be and value fewer people who like us the way we are.

Instead of running from people who give us anxiety, we somehow embrace them and carry around more.

We think more is better but more doesn’t feel as good as one thing or one person that really matters.

We doubt ourselves when we should be our biggest proponent.

We can’t love everyone until we love ourselves enough to get out of the numbers game and build solid individual relationships instead of collecting friends who mean nothing to us.

Downsize stress by focusing on that one remarkable, unique person who spends all their time living in a smaller universe surrounded by the people who like us for being ourselves.

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Running scared feels like if you stop, something bad will happen.

Perpetual fear of failure.

Stop working that hard and you will lose your job or not get the promotion. Or don’t stop long enough to find the next challenge.

It can also mean running the risk of being left out.

Or not finding someone special to spend a life with or to start over again.

It can be 24-hour anxiety and depression.

The alternative to running scared is running hot.

Motivated.

Focused.  

Resilient.

Fearless.

Ready to turn on what it takes at a high level of intensity but without the gnawing fear of failure.

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So, what would happen if the next time you hear “no”, you don’t accept it and try one more time?

Achievers don’t take no for an answer.  It’s not in their vocabulary.

They are allergic to no and try repeatedly until they get closer to what they want.

How willing are you to pay the price for the reward?

Persistence is making your own good luck.

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Always forgive others because you need to forgive them more than they need to hear it.  Do it for yourself.  Let the anger go.

But forgiving does not mean forgetting.

At the same time remember the good people in your life who helped you become you.

Forgive offenders for your sake.

This is the key to forgiveness.

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People who criticize are not teaching, they are exercising their power over you.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism. That just gives license to have at you, again, to exercise power and control.

If a teacher taught his/her students by criticizing them when they were wrong, they would stop learning.

Criticism is never acceptable either to give or receive, but we’re in a world where it is easy to do and to do it impulsively.

People respond to help, information, encouragement.

Criticism does not have one advantage.

Let no person criticize you and if it’s your boss or someone you can’t repel, label it as criticism in your own mind if you have to hear it.

Then erase it from your mind and get to a better place.

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Why would anyone use this word if they really wanted to succeed?

And yet we use it constantly – many times a day on the average.

Sometimes we mean it as “I don’t want to” instead of “I can’t handle it” but saying this word as much as most people do simply programs our brains to cause anxiety.

Drop the “t”.

Can’t is limiting.

Can creates possibilities.

But here’s the thing.  By being aware of one word, you can be less negative and more positive.

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The Phillies spent $330 million in the off season to sign slugger free agent Bryce Harper.

Harper’s season got off to a slow start and the fans (I know, Philly fans) came down hard on him.  This loss of faith is repeated everywhere from other cities, sports and companies.

What’s strange is how people give up on other people when they are in a slump or down on their luck.

But Harper didn’t.  He’s known for coming alive late in the season in a meaningful way.

Life isn’t all batting 1.000.

No one gets to super-perform every day.

For every streak, there is a rough patch.

The key is when others give up on you, double down on your confidence knowing that it’s only a matter of time to win again if you believe in yourself.

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People don’t want to go first.

At a wedding, no one wants to be the first on the dance floor.  After someone else gets up, the other dancers follow.

At dinner, if the room is quiet, it tends to stay quiet unless and until a number of conversations raise the decibel level.

In the classroom, the majority of students wait for someone else to raise their hand first.

The thing is going first is good for you.  Following others trains us to wait, overthink, create needless fear.

Next time, seize the opportunity.  It’s a way to practice building confidence for when you really need it.

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No one really wants advice.  What they really want is someone to listen to them, hear them out with judging.

But we call it advice because we want to get the other person’s attention and no one can resist giving advice.

If we can allow the other person to express their feelings, we are becoming an active listener and that’s a person who is valued even more than the one that has all the answers.

Repeating.  Restating. Waiting for the other person’s response.

The best gift you can give is listening to what that person has to say.

No judging.  No problem solving.

They want your ear and they want you to hear.

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Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers) defined three basic things as most important for children in life that also very much apply to adults.

1. Helping people feel good about themselves
2. The ability to get along with others
3. And appreciate the world around us

Love who you are and how unique you may be.

Learning to play well with others is a goal rarely pursued by adults although it is just as important.

Appreciating the world around us is difficult when that world’s focus is a smartphone.

Looking for happiness and fulfillment is hard to do without being skilled at mastering Mister Rogers’ three most important things in life.

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Who says we only have one life to live?

The divorcee married the third time – happily– isn’t believing it.

The fired executive left unemployed and without hope doesn’t believe it when they get a better job for more money and more satisfaction.

Friends who reconnect after not valuing each other become friends for life.

When lives are without purpose and meaningless, hit restart.

But here’s the thing.

Living your new life by burying yourself in the past will not yield better results.

The question is:  are you ready to move forward from today on without litigating the hurts and travails of the past.

If so, you just hit “restart”.

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We’re just too hard on ourselves.

No one wins all the time.

It’s not how many times you succeed, it’s still trying when the right moment comes along that matters.

Fear of failure is the worst fate of all because no one can give it to you unless you believe it.

Even failures are rehearsals for future success.

Would you tie your own hands behind your back knowingly and willingly?

That’s exactly what we do when we constantly fear failing.

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I can.

I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

I’ll never stop trying.

What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger if I never give up.

Hope.

Trust in self.

Resilience.

When facing a crisis, it helps to repeat words like these that will foster a good outcome.

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If you’ve ever played softball, baseball or other sports, we can’t wait to get in there and take a swing at the ball, can we?

Even if we strike out three times in a row, we’re anxious to jump back in and try again.

This is not how most people live life.

We give up too easily, come up with reasons why we’ve done our best, shy away from trying again after a certain point.

We just accept a swing and a miss.

To change that and harness the power of persistence, think of everything you do like a baseball game.

In baseball, if you drop the ball, you actually want the next batter to hit it to you againso you can make amends. No licking wounds, no excuses.

That’s how to live life and increase the chance of winning because there is always the next opportunity to succeed.

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I was honored to work as an instructor for Wynn Etter, a Dale Carnegie sponsor in Cherry Hill, NJ.

Wynn was a force to be reckoned with – a ball of enthusiasm and positivity.  A man who could lift your spirits within the first two sentences out of his mouth.

He often could sense when I had doubts and he would say, “you can do it, tiger”.

Me a tiger?  I guess so if this force of nature thinks so.

Wynn came down with cancer later in life.

All through his treatment which went on for many years, Wynn lived an exemplary life of a person who had to deal with adversity while remaining positive.

How?

He always made it about you.

I would say “How are you feeling Wynn?”

“Great, tell me about your book, Jerry” and he’d be off and running to avoid sulking, sorrow and sympathy.

He lived for years, joined a gym for the first time when he was 65 and taught me by his example that helping others lift their spirits had the simultaneous effect of lifting his.

Wynn died a few years back but as you can read today, he’s very much alive in me.

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Not money – money is nice, amazingly people want and need  it but don’t crave it.

Not lots of friends – yes, friends are important but the number isn’t compelling.

Good health? – certainly, it is hoped for, expected and appreciated but people only seem to crave good health when they are faced with grave illness.

Power?  It’s a drug, wears off quickly and needs to be constantly fed.

The number one thing people crave is compassion.

Sympathy, pity, concern for their problems and sorrows.

And in the end, we do, too.

The perfect gift that makes people crave you is the ability to treat them with compassion.

Listen, relate, feel the pain and connect.

Since we know this is universally true, developing our ability to be compassionate toward others should be our main mission at work, at home and with ourselves.

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Exercise, diet, cosmetics, fashion – these are frequently employed ways to beat getting older.

Many of my college students think their 30’s will be the decade that all things good will happen.

For everyone else, it’s turn back the clock somehow, some way.

But it’s not numbers or workarounds that constitute the fountain of youth.

It’s enthusiasm.

Never outgrow your zest for enthusiasm.

Or as Henry David Thoreau put it “None are so old as those who have outlived their enthusiasm”.

At any age.

We can become more enthusiastic when we are more devoted to be grateful for all that we have not just that which we want.

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Strength isn’t a show of force.

It’s for lifting other people up and for helping sustain you through the challenges of life.

Strong people give power away.

Strong people use their power to help others get along better.

Strength is used to make sure everyone is heard – the number one need of humanity.

It is easy to confuse force for strength but strength is a tool to enable others not celebrate yourself.

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88% of adults stare at a screen while eating with or without children or other adults in their presence.

The average eater will check their screen twice during a meal and only have two meals without staring at a screen each week.

91% watch TV while eating a meal or snack, 49% watch TV and eat on a regular basis.

Why such destructive habits?

The survey conducted by Pretzel Crisps of 2,000 adults blames zombie eating on sending or receiving emails (50%).

48% scroll through social media.

37% watch YouTube videos.

36% focus on work-related activities.

Only 3 meals a week are consumed at the kitchen, 79% on the couch, 64% standing at the kitchen counter, 61% in bed and 48% on the floor.

If this is you, your phone is living your life. Becoming more social and interacting with others in present company, becoming the master of your device is a way to promote good relationships.

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There are two options.

Panic, deny and run.

Or rise to the task.

1. Believing that every problem is an opportunity changes the way the brain is wired.
2. Being committed to be big, act decisively and without fear is a rehearsal for overcoming the problem.
3. Expecting to deal with the problem as long as it takes makes a formidable opponent.

Most people get uprooted when something goes wrong.

Imagine what happens if you are ready to respond before something goes wrong.

Less fear, no denial and never panic.

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