Don’t talk.

Ask questions.

Endless questioning going deeper and deeper into the conversation.

And it has nothing to do with being outgoing.

People think a great conversationalist is a person who says all the right things, can be witty, intelligent, interesting – all at once.

It’s the other way around.

Ask question after question – do it sincerely — and you will make a friend for life.

The irony is, a good conversationalist is not a person who does all the talking but the one who does all the listening.

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Do the thing you fear to do and the fear will go away from you.

Face the threat, don’t let it fester.

Stand up for yourself and you always win.

Better than worry:  Prepare for what you could actually do if your worst fears come true.

Fear is a mind game you can win.

Stop the anxiety dead in its tracks by standing up and refusing to succumb to an unpleasant emotion that can ruin your life. 

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Anxious people seem to make themselves more anxious by obsessing about it.

An immediate fix is to postpone your anxiety to a set time every day.

I’m worried about losing my job

My children are having problems in school

I’m worried about health issues

I feel pressured all the time and can’t relax

Put it on a list of things you want to deal with – later.  Say, between 8 and 8:30 or whatever works for you.  At the end of that time, all anxious thoughts are held over to tomorrow at, say, 8 pm.

Anxiety doesn’t just go away as most people suffering from it will attest.  It has to be managed.

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

It’s the feeling that hurts us because the actual concern more often than not never happens the way we fear it.

Put a stop/loss on anxiety by scheduling worry time for a specific duration every day and start managing a feeling that makes legitimate concerns seem all encompassing.

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A study of 2,000 adults says this is what is a perfect day for them:

Waking up at 8:15 in the morning 

A sunny, spring-like forecast with a temperature of 74 

Being able to enjoy three hours outdoors

4 hours with family, 3 hours with friends

Another 3 hours watching TV

In bed by 10:50 pm. 

Even at that respondents say they only have 15 “perfect” days a year.

What’s wrong with their typical “perfect” day.

It is self-centered.

Real perfect days come when you’re not making it all about yourself.

Giving the gift of your precious time to someone without expecting anything in return. 

Being a good listener to a friend where you can accurately repeat back the essence of what they are saying without having to match them topic by topic. 

Being grateful for that which is good but also for challenges that have the potential of transforming your life.

And being grateful for people in your life.

Putting your phone away and being 100% present with those around you.

Returning home to greet everyone as if you’ve been on a two-week business trip and can’t wait to see them.

Forgiving someone.

You get more happiness by giving than receiving.

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A smartphone is like one of those morphine pumps they give patients after surgery where you hit it up to get an instant dose of pain killer and doctors say use it as much as you need to comfort yourself.

Our phones bring us a jolt of adrenalin so we keep tapping it to see if we missed anything, if someone wants us or if they are responding to our social media posts.

It’s a drug.

You can’t just stop turning to your phone unless you have something else that brings happiness to replace it.

Shut the phone down and go solo by interacting with others in real time.

Do like the French, no business emails after work hours — no exceptions. 

Seriously, look at our texts messages.  We could live without 90% of them and not miss a beat. 

Avoid the black hole of scrolling through social media – it’s hard to stop and not worth it.  

Put all apps that help without distracting you on the first two screens of your phone – weather, traffic, Uber, etc.  Everything else goes into folders (Instagram, Facebook, news, music, video, etc.) and when you enter those folders be aware that you are entering a black hole that will usurp your time and distract you from your present surroundings.

51% of Millennials say their number one medical complaint is anxiety.

Reduce it by getting tough with your phone – you own it, don’t let it own you.

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I saw an interesting article recently that suggested that phones and digital devices may not be the only source of stress in our lives.

That perhaps people are turning to social media to escape a world of pressure, impossible expectations and feelings of failure for the instant response of someone liking us on Facebook or following us on Instagram.

Fear feeds worry.

Then we begin to worry as if worry is a 100% predictor of doom that will soon follow.

99% of everything we fear never happens.

And in 1% of the cases when it does, what we feared does not happen as we imagined it would.

Yet when it comes to fear and worry, even those odds don’t seem to be good enough.

To stop worry in its tracks, ask what’s the worst that can happen?

Then, realistically how likely is that to occur?

This is important – and if it does, what’s your plan for dealing with your fear

Fear and worry are not rational so to get the emotion under control, add some reality.

What I’m fearing will probably not happen and if it does, here’s my plan – this approach goes a long way toward easing anxiety.

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It’s a joke how people who are very publicly fired from their jobs like to say “I want to spend more time with my family”.

So if they weren’t fired, would they still want to spend less time with the family?

More time with the family is a red herring.

Better time – now that’s a doable goal.

Away with the guilt of working late and not seeing the children if you’re still going to leave your phone on and be distracted.

Or declaring a family day because you need it more than they do.

Quality time does not mean more time.

Spend quality time in the now 100% focused on the person or people who are important to you.

One long walk with a child where communication is taking place is more meaningful than one entire day instigated by guilt.

Listening to a family member without commenting is so golden that it will earn hugs and kisses.

Being present, curious and non-judgmental is preferred over hours of just being there.

Ironically, it’s not the amount of time that is spent but the amount of time focused on the other person’s life. 

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Doctors stop listening to patients after just 11 seconds.

Research at the University of Florida shows doctors may have patients but they have very little patience before jumping in after asking the question what brings you here.

It’s not just doctors.

Almost everyone can’t wait to hear themselves talk.

Being a good listener endears you to others and produces better outcomes in human interaction.

It is a secret that successful people know.

A bad listener cannot succeed in life for very long.

A rare few people are born good listeners but most of us have to work on that skill.

Step one.

Listen until you can repeat back what you’ve heard so accurately that the person speaking can answer “yes” when you say “do I have that about right”.

Communication cannot begin until the message is received and confirmed by the person speaking.

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Patience is a virtue but so is action.

Perfectionists wait because they want to get every last detail right, but perfection can never be achieved.  It’s just a goal.

The cautious live in limbo uncertain about what to pursue next.

It’s why we are better at getting the next job once we’ve left our present jobs.  We wait too long.

It’s why we stay in toxic relationships for fear of acting instead of anticipating something better.

Why we get less adventurous as we age.

More likely to wait until something forces our hand instead of what we can make happen.

All the while life goes on as if we have endless years to make up our minds.

Don’t wait, don’t delay – jump into every opportunity that could bring you success and happiness.

Never wait for perfection.

Perfect is an illusion.

There is only what’s in our grasp now to be consumed to the fullest.

Don’t miss this moment waiting for the next.

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Often the best way to discover a fuller life is to look to a cancer survivor or other person challenged with a life-threatening illness.

They almost universally find a way to acquire the secret to not putting their life on hold even as they face extensive medical treatment and become anxious about their prospects for living.

Live life now – never put it on hold.

Not for health.

Or a divorce.

A personal problem or tragedy.

A career bump in the road.

Ironically, those who live life to the fullest are the ones who are fighting to overcome health issues.

There are no guarantees for anyone even people blessed with good health for the moment.

Tomorrow never comes for people who cannot live life in the present even if they make it to 100.

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The manager who repeatedly leaves you (or your opinion) out of the meeting. 

Encouraging others to avoid you until you feel left out.

Failure to include you on a regular basis promoting isolation. 

Allowing others to criticize or demean you without stopping it or clearly distancing themselves from that criticism. 

Looking to others less qualified to do what you are qualified (and perhaps even hired) to do. 

Put downs followed by a “harmless” joke. 

All passive-aggressive people. 

Pitting two people against each other so that they will turn against each other so that the bully comes out “winning”. 

Setting people up to fail using unrealistic expectations.

Subtle bullies try to befriend their victims often over a long period of time (or torture).

The only cure is to get rid of the bullies.

Zero tolerance at work or in your life.

Obvious bullies back down and search for an easier victim when they are stood up to.

Subtle bullies look elsewhere when they are exposed to their employers, peers or friends and called out in a public way.

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That’s the question my music students frequently asked.

Their parents understandably wanted them to have another way to earn a living just in case.

But “just in case” is an economic solution not a career solution.

You never stop chasing your dream.

That’s the only answer if you want to be happy.

In fact, the more elusive it is, the more opportunity you have to find out how badly you really want it.

It may change or may become bigger and bolder or less so.

Imagine if all the people in the world who dared to dream never gave up.

The biggest roadblock to achieving that which we have a passion for is allowing ourselves to believe for whatever reason – money, age, time to grow up – that there is a time or reason to stop dreaming.

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Carter Hart, the NHL Philadelphia Flyers goalie prospect of the future is about to turn 20 and to celebrate becoming a pro, Hart deleted his Twitter account.

Says there no point in it.

“You see a lot of news and stuff, and whether it’s positive or negative, you just don’t want to hear that stuff. For me, I just try to stay away from it and worry about what I’m doing and where I’m at right now.”

The best way to focus is to avoid distractions.

Social media consumes us with likes and follows.  We see people arguing over politics, often being nasty to each other.  The bad sometimes rivals the good.

Two things.

Disconnect or at least step back from the black hole of social media and see how much more focused you can become. 

And, recapture valuable time wasted on being buried in devices to follow people that often don’t matter to you.

It doesn’t take a lot to refocus your life with people, places and dreams that have more of a chance coming true in the here and now than glued to a screen on a digital device.

What really makes you happy is so possible the more often you can focus on it.

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I hated the toughest boss I ever had.

He was a news director who required his newscasters to write all-new copy every half hour and find new news and audio.

He listened to every broadcast.

Called in and ripped you if your broadcast didn’t meet his approval.

It was the only job I hated in radio and now I know I love the guy.

He made me realize I really wanted to be a radio program director which I then went on to do – not a news reporter.

I swore I would never write another word after working for him, but I went on to a career in publishing resembling his tough style of reporting.

I owe him my writing and reporting skills.

Sometimes the best jobs we will ever have will be working for people we can’t stand.

Proving that having to endure tough employers may be more life changing than working for a pushover.

As long as we eventually move on to take what we’ve learned about them, us and what we do to achieve further success.

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I

Me 

My 

Mine.

These words are killers of relationships, conversations, collaborations, trust and love.

They are egocentric and have nothing to do with another human being.

I overhead the word I so many times on the beach recently that I felt sorry for the other person suffering through this monologue.

I read recently of a new trend toward marrying yourself – sologamy.

It’s not legal and not binding but some people are so egocentric that they have no interest in a union with another person.  Self-focus robs us of rich friendships.

Most of us feel great when we are part of a community.

When we forge relationships of all kinds with others.

You.

That’s the word that unlocks relationships.

Your interests.

Your feelings.

Your experiences.

Your knowledge.

Let others use self-talk while you talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

What makes you empowered is never about self but always how you get others to talk about themselves.

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Receiving the message is more important than our ability to say it.

We may want to be honest about how we feel but is it wise to tell everyone?

The most important person is you.

How do you feel?

Do you know?  Are you guessing?  Or avoiding?

Equally important is who gets to know.

This is truly empowering.

I won’t tell someone my innermost thoughts unless they are a friend I trust.

I talk politics to people with open minds even if we are polar opposites but I have noticed Facebook is filled with people who even say “feel free to unfriend me if you disagree”.  False courage.

I will share my thoughts and ideas with others where I work and hopefully use a lot of human relations skills in putting them forward.

Being bold does not mean being confident.

Being secretive does not mean being careful. 

When you think about having the courage to say how you feel, think first of who is going to receive the message and let that be your guide.

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Learn to say no.

You can get fancy with ways to deal with the suffocating feeling of being overwhelmed or you could begin saying no.

Say no – with no guilt.  Why sabotage yourself with guilt?

You can offer to revisit the things that are overwhelming you now at a later date but no promises.

Yes, you can say no at work – especially at work.  Come up with a better alternative that you can live with and you are more likely to exceed the  expectations of employers.

Just knowing you have the ability to say no makes things easier on you.

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When hurt by someone else, own it.

If that person keeps hurting you, stop the abuse.

One person’s hurtful comments do not represent all those who care about you. 

Often people hurt others because of their own shortcomings such as jealousy and lack of self-confidence.  

100% of the time when someone is making you feel bad, you are allowing them to do it.

You are the guardian of your own self esteem.

Avoid outsourcing it to others.

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Our obsession with getting things done comes down to this.

What are the 3 most important things you need to do to call today a success?

We tend to work on the easier tasks, the ones that can be completed faster than the most important.

Spend all your focus on these 3 things and nothing else.

In fact you’ll wind up doing more than 3 things but the critical ones will be handled.

1.  Identify the 3 critical things that will make you more productive today.

2.  Do nothing else until those 3 things are completed.

3.  If one of the big 3 turns out to be a multi-step, multi-day project, identify the next most important start step and tackle it.

4. Avoid the black hole of productivity.  Resist the temptation to knock off a few easier things because they are, well – easier.

5. You will find yourself being more productive with time left to fill in with smaller, less critical tasks but rest assured that these leader tasks will not interfere with your ability to accomplish goals.

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We’re obsessed with likes, follows and gathering as many social media friends as we can.

Here’s another plan.

Winnow down to fewer friends and spend more quality time with them.

There is no virtue in going for numbers and monitoring who likes your postings.

One true friend can be a life changer.

Why spend valuable time tapping out conversations with those who do not matter at the expense of those who do.

Friendship takes nurturing.

It is best appreciated when friendships are focused on the present.

A true friend deserves nothing less.

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