Employers set the rules even if they don’t call them rules.

Social media defines how we relate to some of our best friends whether we care to admit to it or not.

Even when we know our life is headed the wrong way, we feel powerless to change it.

Regaining your narrative means that you take part in your life’s decisions.

If you don’t like being on call all the time, find a job where you’re not (France forbids email after work requirements for employees.  Don’t tempt me).

If you’re having a hard time telling your friends from your business contacts, maybe it’s time to stop emailing them in lieu of face time or phone time.

If you feel you are not living up to your potential, your employer or your friends and family will not be the ones to change that narrative.  Only you can and should do that.

If you run into me on one of New Jersey’s beaches this summer, you will see me walking endlessly up and down the beach and into the ocean.

I am having a private conversation with myself.  I do it every year.

I’m asking, do you want to keep doing what you’re doing?

Is there something else that is important to you?

Am I being called to another adventure and I’m so busy I don’t know it yet?

What results is a contract with myself to do the things I want to do and not mindlessly repeat another year without that which I crave.

Regain the narrative by first taking control of your narrative.

From there, all things are finally possible.

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This is compelling evidence for me.

The people who have enjoyed success in life or who have come back from adversity have one thing in common.

They never give up.

Thomas Edison failed over 10,000 times before he developed his alkaline storage battery but Edison seems like someone not like us.

Yet there it was again, the refusal to give up.

When I look around my own life and world I see examples of people who despite adversity never gave up.

They outwaited failure.

They out worked their competitors.

We can read all the motivational books we care to but in the end the question is are you ready to keep trying until you get what you want?

If so, you have discovered the “secret” to success.

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Get them to talk about themselves.

We do that a lot in our world now – talk about us.

But if you want people to like you and even think you are a great conversationalist, try asking questions.

How is your mother? 

Have you seen any good movies? 

What do you think about the new iPhone?

Tell me all about your vacation? 

Can you imagine someone asking you questions like these and actually listening to the answers?

Without weighing in with how your family is or your favorite movie.

By asking questions about others, we endear ourselves to them even in a self-absorbed world.

Think of it like this.

We have the power to make people like us by how sincerely we want to hear them talk about their lives.

The difference between a Facebook friend or even a casual friend is our ability to make it all about them when we talk.

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We’ve gotten lazy.

A text or an email is not a conversation.

If a friend is worth having, they will converse preferably in person and if that’s not possible by phone.

If you text, I can’t hear your voice and all that it conveys.

If we email, we’re making business out of personal.  I don’t know about you but I don’t need another email every day.  A phone call, I’d welcome.

We’re sending a bad example to those around us especially our children because one day they will be texting instead of talking and everyone loses.

Through research and by the testimony of psychologists we are mistaking our phones for a lifestyle that in the end won’t be any more rewarding than a business email even if it comes from family members.

Everybody in the world has a phone without regard to their economic means.

But the real value of a phone is to stay connected and enjoy the meandering nature of two people responding to each other in real time.

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Quebec funeral directors are trying to deal with an outbreak of mourners and family members angling to take selfies alongside the caskets of dead people.

They are using restraint by hiding their phones until the last minute and then posing by the deceased to snap one last selfie. I suspect this is not just going on in Quebec.

Phones are great cameras and purveyors of life through video or snaps. But there is the issue of what is respectful to the family.

Selfies are about you.

When the pope visited Philadelphia last year Action News caught onlookers waiting for the exact right moment as his motorcade drove by to snap away with them in the picture with the pope.

A better idea is to pass up the selfie and soak in the memorable moments from life through death.

Our self-absorbed world makes life lonelier for all when everything begins with us.

Spend more time living in the now in which case a picture may be worth a thousand words but a moment together is an indelible memory.

If you’re having a hard time believing the outbreak of selfies by open caskets – click here.

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New research in Europe reveals that only 10% of those surveyed cares to know what’s in their future even if it is positive.  The study involved 2,000 participants in Germany and Spain.

And yet we spend so much time worrying about the future.

The research shows that the 90% who want to remain in the dark tend to be risk averse.

And now we have research to show that people actually like to live with surprises.

The only exception is finding out the sex of an unborn child.  Only 37% said they wanted to be surprised at birth.

Some thoughts …

Planning ahead is forethought.

Fear of the future is fear thought.

No one is able to accurately predict what their life will look like even just four years from today.

The winning formula may yet be planning ahead, referring to the past for lessons learned but always returning to the present with all its surprises – both good and bad.

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Yondr is a new device being used at concerts and with crowds where cellphones run the risk of interfering with the show.

As people enter the venue, they place their phones in a type of see through bag.

Once they enter the phone-free zone, the cases lock.  But people have their phones in their possession and if they want or need access, they step out and unlock the case on a special pedestal.

All this to control our growing urge to allow our phones to take over our lives.

But there are other ways.

Turn it off when face time is desired.

In France, a law was passed that forbids companies from requiring their employees to keep their phones on for business into the evening.  No one I have spoken to wouldn’t love that law here.

Phones are a great thing and no one wants to give them up.

But we’re ruining our lives, relationships and we’re not helping young people when the urge to stay connected exceeds our human need to be in the now with others 100% present.

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Without a road map, reaching goals is a hit and miss proposition.

The most important first step to knowing where you want to go (and grow) is to see it vividly in your mind’s eye.

Not just make more money.

What does more money look and feel like.  See it so you can feel it.

Not just you want to achieve recognition.

What do you want on your business card.

Not simply more happiness.

What does that happiness look like in color, in action.

When a sports team wants to win the ultimate trophy for being the best, players work hard to motivate themselves by seeing them holding or kissing the trophy, wearing the commemorative ring, the recognition they will finally earn, the things they can buy their families (not just money, but specifically what that money buys).

Working hard to reach goals can be a road to nowhere without first seeing vividly in your mind’s eye that which you want to achieve.

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Who do you admire most?

Say you could be that person.  You would still only be second best to the person you want to be.

Trying to compare ourselves with others is like taking away every gift we have that even our most admired look up to doesn’t have.

Comparing ourselves to others is so self-destructive because we are leaving ourselves with an imitation not an original.

Chances are the person you said you admired the most is an original and not an imitation.

Strive to be different and reward yourself for it.

Study the people you look up to and focus on how they overcame being the same as everyone else to become an original. 

We compare ourselves to others when we don’t have the confidence to stand tall as the person we want to be.

There is no one like you.

Try to be aware of that today and see how it empowers you.

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Athletes must prepare for mid-season trades that put them and their families in precarious situations.

They may not like the thought of being traded this time of year but they have to accept it.

And that’s the thing about things you can’t control.

It’s a reminder to focus on that which you can control.

Broke your leg, can’t walk without crutches for eight weeks.  Focus on making the upper body stronger. 

Just broke up with someone close to you?  What a great time to be more available to your friends and open to making new ones.

Losing your job in a layoff that is out of your hands?  Use this as an opportunity to discover if you are on the right career path in the right industry for you. 

What is so mysterious about accepting what we can’t control?

It’s more the uncertainty of what may follow.

So the solution is to let go and get going on that which is still clearly in your hands.

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There is now evidence in the study of animals that animals who are confident win and dominate more often.

It wouldn’t be surprising to learn the same thing about humans.

Except with humans we are the victims of changing momentum.

Your favorite sports team looks like it is going to win the game until out of nowhere the other side comes back and steals the victory.  It happens a lot.

We’re confident when we’re on a roll but when things start going against us – we’re human, not animals – us losing gets into our heads.

I love to remember that Ted Williams was the best hitter ever in baseball and yet he was out 60% of the time.

Maybe winning isn’t winning 100% of the time, but succeeding where it matters.

Where does it matter to you the most?

Focus on that area.

Then any success will be multiplied because it is more meaningful.

Confidence is strongest when it is based on how hard we are willing to work instead of how lucky we are feeling.

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Find something to celebrate and/or appreciate on days that are challenging.

A bad day gets out of control very quickly and often gets worse once we realize we’re having one.

There is no cure for making people nicer, employers and associates more civil or family and friends appreciate you the way you’d like.

But there is one thing that works every time and it has nothing to do with people who are giving you a hard time.

It begins with us.

Once our brains are stimulated to feel that things are going south rapidly, one way to halt it is to find something or someone you appreciate.

It can even be done like this …

My boss is insensitive to how hard we work for him/her, but my spouse always seems to appreciate me. 

My ex is driving me crazy.  But thankfully I have (name them) who are always there for me. 

I’ve got the flu and I feel awful but I’ll be over it in a few days so believe it or not I am grateful that I ONLY have the flu. 

Our world is immediate.

We hit “send” in more ways than one and that is not always helpful, so when you send a message of despair on challenging days, send a second one directly to your brain finding something or someone to celebrate.

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Part 2 of a recent American Psychological Association survey just released shows 43% are constant checkers of Twitter, email, social media or all things digital.

Social media use is up from 7% in 2005 to 65% now.

If you’re 18-29, it’s 90%.

But here’s the thing.

On a ten-point scale, constant checkers report a stress level of 5.3. For everyone else it is 4.4.

Highest stressors are for those who check emails on their off time and weekends.  In France, they have an after-hour law against companies expecting employees to answer emails in their private time.

35% say they are less likely to spend time with family or friends because of social media.

How about some help here?

Set times when you’re off digital media.

Don’t multitask, an evil habit made possible by digital devices. 

Try to do tasks slower (sounds crazy, but try it once). 

Prioritize – A’s, B’s and C’s. 

Balance online social contacts with an equal amount of in-person face time.

Have an end of the day. 

Don’t sleep with a screen. 

Digital stress is not going to go away any time soon because we have become addicted to our digital devices.

But the evidence is mounting.

Time to do something about it.

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Losing a job or a friend, a spouse, a pet is painful enough.

Add time and that pain festers.

Lose your youth, lose touch with your college friends ten years after graduating.

Or lose your health that can happen at any age contrary to popular belief.

Loss plus time to let it marinate is the formula for unhappiness.

We get stuck.

We feel empty.

A great way to look at loss is to replace every loss with some kind of gain.

A job with a better job and while you’re looking, the promise of a better job.

A long relationship is hard to replace, but more face time with friends reminds us that our personal loss is not permanent.

Even the loss of a loved one, although they cannot be replaced, can be augmented by dedicating yourself to the memories that made that person special.

Here’s the revelation.

A loss doesn’t even have to be replaced by an equal gain (say, a job for another job).  Maybe just entering a marathon or giving some of your time to the less fortunate will make you feel full for a period of time.

When we add to our lives at times when something has been taken away, it helps us not only get through it, but it’s a rehearsal for our future happiness.

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My wife was on the phone with an Apple service rep the other day and when she asked how is your day going, she was not ready for the response.

She said she was going to Walmart just before Valentine’s Day to get her kids a card and some stuffed animals when she encountered customers in the store fighting over the stuffed animals.

Then when she was attempting to check out, she saw fighting in line that was so intimidating that she walked out without the gifts.

It’s not just Walmart, it’s getting to be everywhere as people think that it is okay to dispense with common courtesy.

This kind of thing affects our mood, our day and often the way we feel about others.

In a stressed-out world, courtesy seems to have taken a back seat.

To fight against rude people, look to the people who are not rude.   They may be the quiet ones, the unnoticed.

It is important for me not to lose hope that most people care about being nice, they are just getting pushed aside by outrageous behavior online and in person.

Perhaps you feel the same way?

For every rude person, make it a point to look around and find at least one unnoticed person who is being kind.

Changing the world begins with one person at a time.

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Think about it.

When you post a picture or comment on Instagram or Facebook, you go back and check to see how many people liked it.

If that’s not you, you are not typical according to research.

More troubling is new information that social media is forcing users to put on a façade of happiness that does not exist.  Donna Freitas’ book The Happiness Effect – How Social Media is Driving a Generation to Appear Perfect at Any Cost contains sobering examples.

This is bad for any of us but especially for young people who are vulnerable to being accepted by peers.

Social media is fine for expression and communication but no substitute for face to face friends and living in the present to discover its many wonders.

The likes that are most important are the ones we have about ourselves not the ones others vote on through social media.

I like the way I conducted myself under pressure. 

I like that I had empathy for my friend.

Even though I messed up, I like the fact that I care to be better next time.

What do you like about you and the evidence to support it.

The man or woman in the mirror is the best “like” of all.

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A few weeks back Tiffany Trump (President Trump’s daughter with Marla Maples) was reportedly shunned at New York Fashion Week.

News coverage makes it appear that Tiffany Trump wasn’t being welcomed as other fashionistas were.

Pictures emerged of how there were two seats next to her in row one at Fashion Week, a place people kill to be in the first row.  Except, they may have been snapped at an inopportune time.

Well, liberal Democrat Whoopi Goldberg had about enough of this and spoke out on The View.

Goldberg told Tiffany Trump that she would be happy to sit next to her at the next show and talk fashion not politics.

The world is sadly becoming dominated with haters and how did it get to the point where an otherwise nice person is being shamed because of her father’s politics?

Dislike the deed and not the person and you’ll stop haters dead in their tracks.

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Robert Marchand is 105 and probably more fit than people half his age and I am writing about him not because he set the world record in one-hour cycling where you ride for 60 minutes on an indoor track.

But because he is getting fitter even as he ages.

He pedals about 17 miles.

After the age of 50, the body doesn’t usually increase its aerobic fitness, try as we may, even though people can work hard to maintain.

Doctors usually accept death decades earlier than Marchand does because he hasn’t considered it.  Example:  Marchand is convinced he can improve his performance next year when he is 106!

His fitness routine is unique. He doesn’t use a heart monitor and has an interesting mix of 20% difficult intensity to 80% light.

A simple diet.  A glass of red wine.  Very socially active.

But all of this is not the overriding message coming from a 105 year old man.

Reject limitations.

Doctors don’t know healthy living.

Be social.

Pray for great genes.

Most importantly, live going forward not looking back.

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I came across some fascinating numbers about how teams in the four major sports have done after they changed their coach in the middle of the season in terms of win percentage and if they made the playoffs:

National Hockey League      +.041  (40.7% made the playoffs)

NBA                                     +.029 (28.1% made the playoffs)

NFL & AFL                            +.074  (3.4% made the playoffs)

Major League Baseball         +.015  (4.0% made the playoffs)

(Source: Wall Street Journal/Stats LLC)

Six NHL teams even won the Stanley Cup after making a mid-season coaching change leading the Journal to write this headline: “Why Every NHL Team Should Fire Its Coach”.

So athletes respond to change and it is very likely that workers and family members also respond to hearing a different voice.

This got me to thinking not that we must fire our mothers and fathers every two to four years, but how we should think seriously about changing our messages — the way we talk, empathize and motivate others so that there isn’t just one way.

If it is human nature to respond to new voices, let’s resolve to be one of them.

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No one has all good days.

Dealing with the bad days can be a challenge.

When you focus on helping someone else with their problems and get the attention off your difficulties, bad days can become more tolerable.

When I speak to groups about topics like these, I will often distribute 3×5 cards and ask everyone to write down their three biggest problems in life right now.

No names on the cards.

I collect the cards and redistribute them to everyone else giving them a new card and a new set of problems.

When I ask who wants their own problems back, 100% of the time everyone prefers their own.

Helping others.

Focusing on problems other than ours.

Two positive ways to get through a bad day or a rough patch.

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