The only way to gain control is to give up control.

This does not mean have no opinion or to agree with things you don’t believe in.

Let go of having to have your way even after you articulate it.

Practice giving up control by letting someone else pick the restaurant, get their way on a project or have their preference if possible with your calendar.

No one trait is shared by more people than the desire to have more control over their lives, their friendships and the way other people live their lives.

The epidemic of anxiety in people is directly tied to spending too much time trying to control outcomes.

If you consciously try not to be in control, you will live – probably be happier – and almost certainly shed anxiety that comes with having to spend so much time getting your way after you have your say.

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Social media is becoming a misnomer.

It is anti-social media when conducted in the presence of other people or instead of interacting with others.

This is an epidemic that is being at the very least allowed by parents who have succumbed to their children’s peer pressure by enabling the overuse of social media.

Facebook skews older.

Instagram is like a vanity plate for many users depicting a life of dreams or excesses rather than reality.  But it can also be fun and creative.

SnapChat is for the young who want to express themselves in a short audio or video clip and then have it disappear.

When social media interferes with living in the now 100% focused on the person you are with or activity you are involved in, then there is a worrisome component of social media addiction that exists.

Step 1 – Spend as much time focused on the here and now as you spend on social media.

Step 2 – Start new friendships outside of social media and conduct them predominantly face-to-face. 

Step 3 – Address the anxiety that is being generated by witnessing other people’s “better” lives on social media.

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1. Live in the now 100% focused on the person you are with face-to-face.
2. Know when to put away your phone.
3. Don’t chase the butterfly of happiness but be ready for it when it lands near you.
4. Changing people is the prescription for unhappiness – yours! 
5. The person who realizes that it is not about them will be blessed with an abundance of friends.

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“When you go out in the world, look for the job you would take if you didn’t need the money.”

Earning a living is important.  There are bills and loans to pay.

But using this as an excuse for spending your life in a job that doesn’t dazzle you is self-destructive.

Sometimes you do things to get by but never to avoid following your dreams.

Without hope, there are no dreams.

Without dreams, there is no hope.

It’s intriguing that the richest people on earth work to be the best not the richest.

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When we return home from a day at work, we often carry that day’s problems with us into the relationships we care about most.

Pause at the door or in the car before getting out.

Pretend that you have been away from your spouse and kids for 2 weeks.

Then go in and greet them as if you haven’t seen them in 2 weeks.

Repeat daily.

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Many times our first reaction to something new or something we don’t immediately like is fear thought.

This is bad.   I don’t like it.  I don’t want to do it.

Understandable but not optimal.

Thinking ahead is forethought where we are not committed to anything until we’re comfortable with it.

Nasty text from a friend – fear thought, we overreact.  Take time to understand that which makes you uncomfortable.

Rejection – fear thought, the response is often rejecting the person who rejected us.  Even hurtful feelings deserve time to understand the circumstances under which they were conveyed.

Fear and worry based on visceral emotions are fear thought.  99% of all that we humans worry about never happens and in the one percent of the cases where it does, it doesn’t happen the way we initially feared it would.  Worry about worry is deadlier than worrying about things that are not going to happen.

Fear of the unknown is easier to deal with when we turn that fear into curiosity.

Fear is useless.

Thinking ahead allows us to put a hold on worry – sometimes even a few seconds or minutes.

We don’t have to live by first reactions if we choose to live by second thoughts.

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In all my classes as a professor of music industry at the University of Southern California, I assigned this book that had absolutely nothing to do with music.

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

To be sure, most students never read it for exactly that reason because it had nothing to do with their course work.

But many read it over the summer on their own and they would contact me with their gratitude for suggesting it.  Imagine a college student reaching out to a professor and thanking them for assigning a book that had nothing to do with their chosen field of interest.

Most of us already have plenty of talent although some people don’t have the confidence to believe in themselves.

The missing secret to success for people who are already talented is how to get along with others – inspire them, deal with their foibles, win cooperation.

And in spite of the fact that How to Win Friends was written before most of us existed, it is still the best template for gaining skills that will give you the edge over others.

Buy the paperback (or digital version).

Read it all the way through.

Then read it again one chapter at a time.

Rip it out and carry that one chapter around until you believe you have mastered it.

Then onto the next.

I know people who start the book over again because mastering human relations isn’t just reading a book, it’s about changing the way you think and act.

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Prescription sales of anti-anxiety meds are going through the roof.

Yet anxiety is getting the best of us because even if we don’t suffer from it, chances are good that someone around us does.

Put the phone in its place because it is not helping anxiety.

Social media can be an addiction for people of all ages.

We are in denial.

Must stay in touch with our children.

Have to be connected to answer work-related email.

No one can multi-task successfully.  We don’t need research to tell us that but that’s exactly what research is telling us that we already know.

Start today …

Prioritize rather than multi-task. 

Only complete 20% of everything you have to do – so make sure you pick the most important 20% and you’ll be more productive and less anxious. 

Don’t let anxious people give you their anxiety – recognize it and put a stop/loss on it immediately.

Make your phone a tool, like a pencil or pad.  Use it to make yourself less anxious.  We are the masters of our iPhones and Androids when we decide how we’re going to use them.  Using them because they exist is the path toward more anxiety.

Don’t pull a phone out when you are waiting for something or in between things.  Instead, think about what you’re grateful for.  Don’t wait to become a cancer survivor to make gratitude the greatest anti-anxiety “medication” of all.

Gratitude – the instant anti-anxiety helper. 

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Texting is an addiction.

It’s like pressing a button in the hospital to get another dose of narcotic painkiller.

Everyone is affected – this is not only a Millennial disease. And it is a disease.

We text rather than engage people in real time as if it’s normal.

We attend sporting events, pay good money and spend our time there texting elsewhere.

Texting includes addiction to social media – the need to stay connected and to check your phone for the next shot of adrenaline.

There is no known cure because, after all, texting and social media also have positive benefits when they are in balance with the rest of our lives.

Your family wants you to set an example and leave the phone alone and make it about them – in real time.

When texting or social media gets out of control (perhaps you don’t know it or acknowledge it), think about making a phone call instead.  Think about it, don’t make it because if you had to commit to a conversation rather than a text or social media post, you might not make it.

Communication in the digital age is easier, not better.

Being addicted to being connected is often bad for us, our families, our careers and now with increasing medical evidence, our health.

Ask is this texting worth a phone call.  If it isn’t and you’re getting trapped in the back and forth, it’s more likely because you need the boost rather than the other party needing to hear from you.

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Whether we know it or not, even standing still is change.

YOU may not be changing but the world around you is.

When you decide to pick up and move to a new job, a new city, a new life, you are channeling hope.

Hope is more powerful than change.

Without hope we cannot live but without change, everything around us changes regardless whether we benefit or not.

Better is more powerful than new.

Hope is the fuel of happiness.

Change is the end result after we hope and make things better. 

Just as in exercise or physical fitness, if you’re not feeling some pain, you’re probably not going to receive the gains.

Hope your way forward to accomplish the goals you’re seeking.

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Why are we surprised when we don’t achieve something we really want?

You can’t get from here to there without knowing a direction.

And we can’t accomplish something worth having without a plan.

I want to make more money, but specifically how? 

I want to meet a new friend, but where will you look? 

I want to spend more time with the kids, but is it more time or better time?

I want to go on vacation – to rest, for an adventure or to return to a happy place?

It’s time for me to change jobs, but what’s the plan to start looking (waiting until you’re out of work is too late)?

Dreams are good.

Plans are the steps that give our dreams a chance to come true.

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Forget everything you know (or don’t) about making a presentation.

Ask yourself, what “gift” can I give my audience?

What is it that I can’t wait to share that I know they will appreciate.

Put it into a phrase so you know exactly what that gift is.

Most presentations are forgettable because the presenter has not given thought to the one thing they have the ability to share that the audience will appreciate.

Slides become secondary if used at all.

Make the slides and material available on Google Drive so you can concentrate on unraveling the present you are giving the audience.

You may have stories to tell or examples to fill in, but if you go into a presentation thinking of yourself as someone who is going to hand the audience a gift, you will get the best response ever.

The words will come out automatically.

Your sincerity will come through.

And those participating will likely go to your subject materials for more.

That’s also the secret of those TED presentations we love so much.

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Social media breeds many more haters because its reach is infinite.

Don’t engage a hater, run.

Changing a hater is impossible because their hearts are filled with jealousy.

Be on the lookout that we don’t give haters a pass because the world is getting used to the outrage from jealous people.

If you can’t love everyone, respect everyone.

Hatred breeds where respect is not found.

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A 2014 study published in Science Translational Medicine shows that a placebo was 50% as effective as taking the actual real drug to reduce post Migraine pain.

Same is true of anti-depressants in tests where half the study group that did not take actual medicine did as well as those who did.

There are people during flu season who don’t get the flu, when everyone else is fearing it, because they don’t believe in their mind that they will get it.

When you speak before a group, if you believe you have a gift of knowledge to share with others, you can be more effective than you ever have in your life.

The mind can heal.

The mind can help us succeed.

Napoleon Hill liked to say “Whatever your mind can conceive and believe the mind can achieve regardless of how many times you may have failed in the past.”

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Serena Williams is pregnant and will sit out the coming months of tennis competitions.

Her coach, Patrick Mouratoglou had no idea she had just found out she was pregnant when she won her 23^rd Grand Slam singles title a few months ago.

Williams is due in September.

She will be close to 37 when she resumes her competitive tennis career.

Of course her coach said Serena has done things in her career that other people said were impossible.

He told reporters, “I do think she’ll come back and she will come back all the more if everyone thinks she’s done. So, I encourage you to write that she is finished. Please”.

Doubling down when others doubt you is enough motivation to succeed.

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The best time to look for a new career is when you’re happy and rewarded with the career you have.

Most people get serious about job search when they are unhappy, underpaid and/or not feeling appreciated.

When they don’t like their boss, the place they work or often the people they work with.

This leads to a lot of bad decisions.

Choosing the new or next career path should be done when you are satisfied not looking to get out.

This also provides the best way to know you are not making a mistake by leaving for if you are drawn to something new and challenging while you are fulfilled by your current work, chances are you are about to make a strong decision with a positive outcome.

If you decide to stay after examining a great new opportunity then you are likely already in the right job.

Finding work when you’re unhappy may change your scenery or the associates you work with but it is often not a good career move.

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Go to the fountain and drink of the knowledge.

Are we listening when others speak?  This does not mean agreeing all the time, it means hearing what they have to offer.

Are we doing all the talking?   Social media and texting encourages a lot of self-centered focus that eventually makes the narrative about us and not others.

Some people are outstanding listeners but most of the rest of us are distracted listeners.

We can learn to be better listeners.

Train yourself to recap what another person has said and repeat the essence of it to them.

“If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying that …” 

If they confirm, congratulations – you’re becoming a better listener.

If they add to it, you are skillfully drawing them out.

If they correct you, then you have saved yourself from getting it wrong and miscommunicating.

Everyone wants to be a better listener because people are attracted to those who can listen.

Being heard is one of the great human needs.

We have learned over time not to be good listeners and we can train ourselves to be better with very little effort.

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It’s hard to be surrounded by people who are eternally positive in our increasingly negative world.

But those who can generate their own positivity can benefit by avoiding heart disease, reducing blood pressure and impacting in a good way on blood sugar.

Gratitude is one way, but we often think we have tons of that.

You can’t be negative when you are being grateful. 

Recognize others and sharing it with them. 

Keeping a list of positive things that are happening to you on your phone so you can scroll through and remain inspired. 

Become more aware of stress and put a stop/loss on it as soon as you feel it developing.

Staying positive is not about Pollyanna.

Positive can mean something relatively unsexy like catching yourself from putting down an accomplishment that even others acknowledge.

Staying positive to benefit health is not about rah-rah things, it’s about keeping control of your narrative and protecting it from the negativity of others.

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With as few as only two weeks training in the areas of kindness and compassion, positive changes occur in the brain.

Focusing on these two things help us become physically and emotionally healthier by in essence retraining the brain.

Focus on positive emotions and they magically occur.

Doing good things for others – Even small things that you would think as inconsequential count.

Become more aware of the world around you – Just trying to notice the sand on the beach or the flower in the garden helps re-train the brain.

Live in the now – Ruminating on the past is actually proven to physically adversely alter parts of the brain so living in the present and giving up control can help us.

Accomplish something every day – Attainable goals checked off as “accomplished” are friendly to the brain and our wellbeing.

Be proud of who you are – Perfection has never been achieved by any one person in all of time but the pursuit of perfection bodes negatively on our compassion and caring of others.

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Stephen Colbert’s switch from Comedy Central to David Letterman’s replacement on CBS Television had not been going well.

He was out of character in more ways than one.

Was he the pundit character of his old show or a Letterman-like substitute for the retiring late night host?

Everything changed for the positive when a new producer was appointed and he told Colbert “Stop being funny and go and just be real”.

Why is it so easy to forget to be our natural selves?

It didn’t hurt that Colbert’s sweet spot was politics and last year was a bonanza.

Now Colbert is beating Jimmy Fallon who had been dominant in the ratings.

He seems self-assured.

Colbert is an admitted “control freak” and everyone knows that won’t work except perhaps the actual control freak.

Sometimes everything we’re looking to be is already there within us – just lost trying to be someone else who is not as good.

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