Here’s a follow-up to my piece last week titled “Dealing With Rejection”.

Tools to nip rejection in the bud.

• Compassion is the best weapon against shamers.  Think, “I feel sorry for anyone who has to resort to (insert here)”. Understanding how terrible it must be to resort to shaming gives you the power to resist it.
• Shamers are often guilty of that which they project onto others. This puts the insults in their proper place – out of your mind.
• Shame or rejection is more effectively dealt with as soon as they are recognized. Often, rejection is internalized as a defense but this delay actually makes everything feel worse.
• No one gets to shame us – not even ourselves. Shame is a tool used to control others. When you feel shame, remember that someone is trying more to control you than to persuade you.

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There isn’t one thing we can do to be more popular, more desired at work or more loved in life that is more effective than to become a better listener.

Not one thing.

Some people have it in their DNA to be good listeners.

The rest of us need to work on it because it makes all the difference in the world.

• Talk less.  When we’re talking we can’t listen as intently.
• Respond to what you hear instead of going off on your own version of the story.
• Ask questions and actually listen to the responses.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Catch yourself every time you use the words “me” or “I” – self-absorption never sits well with others.
• Repeat that which you want to remember two times in your mind for the best chance of remembering it.
• When the other person is interrupted, burn into your brain the last thing that they said at the time they were interrupted by someone other than you so when they lose their place, you can show how intently you were listening by reminding them where they left off.

Even improving in one of the above areas begins to make a difference.

In a self-absorbed world it’s easy to get away with talking about yourself and that which interests you.

But for the many benefits that come from being a good listener, remember that we were given only one mouth but two ears – the better to use them.

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Maybe our Instagram photos are not liked.

Or our ideas are dismissed at work meetings.

Perhaps friends or loved ones make us feel badly because they are not available to spend time with us.

Life is full of rejection.

Rejection can also trigger physical symptoms.  The same area of the brain that feels physical pain is the part that experiences the pain of rejection.  And, yes, Tylenol, for example reduces the pain of rejection in studies.

Pain of rejection can be relived more intensely than physical pain.

Rejection can increase our tendency toward anger and aggression.

It temporarily reduces our IQ.

I knew rejection was bad but I didn’t know it was this bad until I read the evidence from Guy Winch, PhD.

You can imagine what losing your job can do to the pain of rejection.

The best way to deal with rejection is to reject the shame associated with it.

Shame is the universal feeling that results from rejection.

Be on the lookout for shame and zap it before it zaps you.

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People who meet and interact with family and friends at least three times a week have far less depression than those who have only virtual contact.

That includes telephone, email or social media (University of Michigan study).

In other words, we crave in-person interaction but we’re getting less of it than ever.

As we say in Philadelphia, who don’t know that?

We don’t need a research study to be convinced that looking a person in the eyes and enjoying them in the present is medicinal.

So what’s the holdup?

Maybe a few ideas would help.

• No phones at mealtime – and adults are bigger offenders than children so be advised.
• It’s not how long you spend interacting with others.  It’s how long you are actually present in conversation.  Many people are put off because they don’t have the time for one-on-one interaction, but length of time does not matter.  Focus does.
• Add a new face every week.  Get to know someone – even if you never see them again.  Expand your world, give the gift of being present.

In the end, no one will ever wish they had spent more time on a digital device but they will regret the time lost living in the present with loved ones, friends and interesting people.

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60 percent of pedestrians are distracted when walking usually because of their cellphone.

These people – or should I say we – are populating emergency rooms because they are being hit by cars.

The number of pedestrians hit by vehicles while they are walking and talking or looking at their cellphones has grown six-fold.

Surprise:  half the injuries occurred to deadwalkers while walking and talking in their homes.

More than two-thirds of the injured are women.

Half were under 40.

77% of us think it’s okay to be a deadwalker according to a recent Pew study.

All of this gives me an opportunity to say our phones are devices that enhance our lives but when we let them take us out of the present more than just getting into an accident can occur.

We miss out on life.

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Choose a job you love.

If you’re not loving your present job and suffer from paralysis because you need an income to support your family, you will never be happy until you find your dream job.

The 85-yeat old Buffett worth almost $73 billion sure doesn’t need the work.

Buffet says, “I’m tap dancing to work every day. There’s nothing more exciting than to get there. It doesn’t get better than that.”

And here is how to take Warren Buffet’s advice.

Choose something you would do if you didn’t need the money.

Find what you love to do and get someone to pay you to do it.

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I was in New York last week looking forward to lunch and the waiter greeted us with “What can I do for you”.

I couldn’t resist shooting back “Tell me the meaning of life”.

And he said – without a moment’s hesitation – “To love and be loved”.

I jotted it on my phone.  I can remember that more than the meal I ate because not only is he right but if he is – many of us are in big trouble.

We’re too worried about making money.

Handling the stress in our lives.

Dealing with difficult people.

All the money in the world is meaningless if we cannot remember that we’re on this earth first and foremost to love and to be loved.

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Almost nothing is more detrimental to self-esteem than being fired, laid off or furloughed.

After all, we spend most of our time at work so when suddenly we’re out, we’re not exactly thinking how great it feels.

And this negative thinking has implications for finding our next opportunity.

• Your first thought should be – the most successful people on this planet were fired at least once!  (Write it down. Post it on the refrigerator so you will never forget).
• There is no shame in being fired unless something illegal has taken place.  Otherwise, keep the temptations to shame yourself out of it.  And it is not the place of others to have so much influence that they can shame us.
• Take time off to process what happened.  Thinking of only the bad ending is not fair to you.  Also remember all the good that you’ve done for the company.
• Nothing increases self-esteem like writing a new resume.  Do this as soon as you have a positive view of the future.
• There has been more firing since the great recession due to economic reasons and cutbacks.  This should not reflect negatively on you.
• See vividly in your mind’s eye as vividly as possible the next job you want and pursue that and only that.

My communications professor in college told parent’s night (of all times) that if your sons and daughters are not fired four or five times, they are not in the media business.

Even though the parents were aghast, the professor was correct.

What he failed to mention is that each firing had its positive purpose.

Losing one’s job can be transformative.

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There used to be a time when a presentation was like an oral book report.

You stand up, deliver it, and sit down.

Today’s audiences demand more authentic presentations that require a different approach.

• Avoid lecturing.  While lecturing has its academic benefits, younger audiences tune out.  Start every presentation with an off-the-cuff discussion of the benefits that participants are there to get.  If you’ve done your homework, you should have already isolated these areas.  Let them tell you what they want to learn.  Not the other way around.
• Allow interruptions and questions.  Any college professor will tell you that the more students weigh in – either with positives or negatives – the more the atmosphere for learning improves.
• I love this one.  I do it.  Ask each participant to quietly jot down the one thing they want to get out of the meeting.  Near the end of the presentation, ask them to look at their note and see if they are indeed getting that benefit.  If not, encourage them to tell you what you missed.
• Avoid PowerPoint.  Presenters like it.  Audiences hate it.  I use slides for pictures or videos only and then I make my notes available on Google Drive after the presentation.  But the notes are only available for a few days, which encourage participants to download them immediately after the meeting or miss out.
• Most important in communicating with today’s audiences – don’t try to sell them your point of view.  Most people are self-absorbed these days.  The job of the new age presenter is to navigate through subject matter that may be compelling to them – not dictate.
• Tell the group at the outset how long the presentation will be and tell them you intend to stick to it.   And then stick to it.  The mind can only absorb what the seat can endure.

Audiences dislike most presentations almost as much as presenters hate to put them together.

Presentations are an opportunity to activate many minds through new thinking instead of the best thinking of the presenter alone.

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Oscar Munoz who took over United Airlines in the middle of a scandal surrounding its former CEO had a heart attack last week.

He’s under a lot of pressure because he is not from the airline industry and the United/Continental merger didn’t go well on top of the political problems caused by the previous CEO.

Harald Krueger, BMW’s CEO, collapsed at the Frankfurt Motor Show roughly within the same time period because of stress.

It’s not just CEOs who feel the stress.

It’s everyone under them because the speed of the leader determines the speed of the pack.

Work stress is proliferating – a new plan is needed.

• Create a balanced schedule.  Determine how many meetings you can handle per day/week and stick to it.
• Put time buffers in between meetings and projects.  Avoid back-to-back events.
• Do only the 20% of your work that produces 80% of your productivity so to do to this you have to take time and ask “Is this the most productive use of my time at this point?”
• Delegate tasks where possible.  Perfectionists (like me) and control freaks have a hard time with this but no one can do it all — and do it well – without paying the price with their health.
• Put an immediate stop/loss on people who stress you out either through overwork or workplace conflict.  The more you consciously avoid buying into this, the less stress you absorb.
• Recognize stress before it makes you sick.  If you leave work beaten, tired and defeated, either step in and try some new things or don’t be surprised when this kind of stress catches up with you.
• Use a Fitbit, phone or Apple Watch to record 10,000 steps a day.  Exercise relieves stress.
• Try to leave earlier for work in the morning – the commute is often stressful and the wrong way to start a day.

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