Being fired is better than fearing it.

Most people are relieved when the axe falls but the thing that holds them back from going on is all those fears they had in anticipation.

Nobody will want me.  Today’s economy is different.  Everyone is cutting back.  I don’t have the education or skills.  I’m too young.  I’m too old.  I’m embarrassed.  Lost my confidence.  I don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills.  I could lose my house.

Geez, I’m getting depressed just writing these things.

How about this?

I’m a talented person.  Today’s economy is perfect for what I have to offer.  Companies still need people even when they are automated.  My youth is an advantage.  My age is an advantage.  I can’t say I liked losing my job but I have no reason to hang my head.  My confidence will grow ever day when I think about new opportunities available to me.  Somehow we’ll handle the finances.  A fulfilling career is more important than a house.

Almost every successful person has had career obstacles to overcome.

Losing your job is a gift waiting to be opened the day you get to start anew and realize all the things you didn’t have on the previous job.

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I admit, I have negative thoughts all the time.

After all, I am a Philadelphia sports fan!

Seriously, there is a reason I became a Dale Carnegie instructor. I wanted a way forward to keep negative thinking from ruining my life.

I’d love to tell you I know all the answers about this – or even one.

But I can share something that has made a difference for me.

Surround yourself with positive people.

Out in Arizona they have rattlesnakes and if you see one in their natural habitat you almost have to look twice because they blend in with their environment.

We are like that, too.

We become like the people in our lives.

If they are negative, we will become more negative even if it isn’t our nature.

But if they have an air of positivity about them, that will rub off on us.

I know what you’re thinking.

Jerry, how can I get rid of negativity. I’m married to it. Or it’s my brother or sister. Or I work with it 8 hours a day.

When you can’t avoid negativity, you must be doubly ready to not let it drag you down. And yes, sometimes there is divorce or siblings don’t spend a lot of time with each other because negativity gets old.

My best friend was like a breath of fresh air. He could lift me out of depression, make me more optimistic and build my confidence – all that because he was that kind of positive person.

No one can make us feel negative about ourselves or our lives unless we help them do it. We must be on guard to replace their negative talk with positive thinking.

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Brandel Chamblee, former pro golfer and now analyst for The Golf Channel said this about golf that also applies to our lives.

“We forget too often about how big a part of this game heartache is.  Jack Nicklaus won 18 major championships but he finished second 29 times in the majors”.

Ouch, that hurts.  Really hurts.

But sometimes it’s better to endure the heartaches of disappointment because it makes us better in the end.

Without loss, there can be no meaningful victories.

Without failure, no success.

I know of no one who ever succeeded by succumbing to disappointment.

As The New York Times said recently writing about sports “one person’s stumbling block is another person’s building block”.

Everyone knows we play to win – to succeed, to measure up but few know that to get there you have to endure disappointment and turn it into positive energy to come roaring back.

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Let’s get this out of the way right upfront – some people can never be pleased.

Too narcissistic. Too self-absorbed. Not caring.

But for everyone else, the way to be appreciated every time is to exceed expectations.

• If you sell, whatever you promise build in enough time to do more than the prospect or client is expecting and deliver it ahead of time. Never late. Early is the new on time.
• At work, resist the temptation to do only what you have to for continued employment should you work for people who can’t seem to appreciate your efforts. Deliver more than they expect – even if you want to get another job, even if you are being underpaid. Exceeding expectations is like a pathway in the brain.  Always cultivate it. It’s good for others but even better for you.
• For spouses or partners, always do what you say you are going to do. If you say it, consider it a promise no matter how minor it may seem to you.  Then do more than you have to.
• Give up control. Control is overrated because it is really an illusion that ruins lives. Try giving up control of something every day and you’ll see life does not end.  In fact, you will be happier and more appreciated.
• Empower others. Put your faith and trust in others. In workplace surveys, employees crave appreciation first and then the trust to do their jobs next. Higher pay is further down the list.
• Pass out compliments freely and sincerely.  This costs nothing but brings great returns. When was the last time someone appreciated you and backed it up with an example of how?

Master the art of exceeding expectations and the people you love, work for and with and other important people in your life can’t help but to crave you.

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They are going to lay me off.  I don’t have enough money to get through tough financial times.  My relationship is in trouble.  I am worried about my children.  I want more from life.  I have no confidence.  I am afraid to do the things I used to do easily.  I fear I have a brain tumor (or some other ailment).   I’m so young and able and can’t find a job.  I’m old but at my best and can’t find a job.  I’m scared of everything these days.  I’m being bullied and can’t stop it.  I spend too much time on my phone but I don’t want to stop even knowing it’s not good for me.

You can add your personal fears to this list because there is no shortage of them.

Life is tougher today because we live in a fast, super-connected world.

Let’s put a stop to these fears and worries:

• Make a vow to worry about only one thing at a time – you choose it.  More than one worry is overwhelming and leads to a bad outcome.  Tackle the biggest worry first.
• Choose a time each day to “obsess” about this worry.  If you’re like me you don’t have an hour to devote to this so, make it 20 minutes or so then pick a time and have at it.
• The rest of the day be cognizant that 99% of what we fear never happens.  Say it over and over again because it is true and saying it makes a difference.
• Drill down and get the facts about what you’re worried about.  More often than not we worry about assumptions that are not reality.  In other words, we worry about something that we assume to be true.
• Make a conscious attempt to be grateful for everything you have every time you get a negative fear thought.  Balance fear with gratitude.
• Get busy and help other people.  It has been proven that when we take our minds off of what eats us by trying to help other people, our problems are more bearable.
• Never waste your time thinking about people you don’t like.
• People who criticize us are often paying us a compliment – they are jealous.  From this day on, only you get to criticize yourself.  Make it positive and constructive.

When we succumb to fear and worry, we are knowingly hurting ourselves.

“Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.”  — Ana Monnar

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When I was in college I worked overnights on a Philadelphia radio station balancing a full schedule at school with a full-time, six day a week job in radio.

One night – I estimate it to be about 3 in the morning – I feel asleep on the air and let a song end without playing another. To this day I refuse to think about how long there was dead air, which is a no-no in radio.

Unfortunately my boss was awake at 3 am (too much caffeine?) and heard it.  The next day he called me in and handed me my walking papers.

I can’t tell you how devastating that was – first commercial radio job and I literally fell asleep at the switch.

But as painful and embarrassing as that was, it made me more motivated to find my next job which, fortunately for me, was in television at the ABC affiliate there – a job I would not likely had sought if I was still working in the job from which I was fired.

To this day I absolutely adore the man who fired me.  He was right.  He may have taught me a lesson about life as well as introduced me to myself.  No college course could do that.

When we are fired or not appreciated in our jobs, we lose self-esteem.  We are hurt.  We are angry and we are in a negative frame of mind.

This is going to sound awful, but many, many people who are dismissed from the work they do go on to something better.

And all of us can see this in retrospect, after the fact.

Here’s the trick:

The moment it happens, remember that being fired will eventually lead you to something even better.  It always does.

Just knowing this from day one – and remembering it every day — resets your life in a positive direction to bring even more success next.

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My golf instructors Mike and Sandy LaBauve are great believers in practicing only the things that will bring the best outcome.

Golfers especially think that if they can spend more time practicing and more time playing that their game will get better.

Look at Tiger Woods.

If he practices any more he’s going to drop from exhaustion and ruin everything else that isn’t already injured in his body.  Maybe he needs a headshrinker not another golf coach?  Or, maybe he needs to find the one thing that will improve his game – not everything all at once.

For us, we want to be better so we work harder, but do we work on the right things that will ensure the best outcome?

• Discover one thing that will move you closer to success and put 100% of your effort into doing that one thing.
• If you’re struggling to discover what that one thing is, ask someone who can objectively take a look and point you in the right direction.
• Repeat the “one thing” as many times as you can and get better at it.
• More important than working for success is increasing your confidence for succeeding – everything good that happens starts in our heads.

The only thing better than a great work ethic is a great work ethic applied to something that will make a positive difference.

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Even when we’re really motivated to accomplish something, we can be equally discouraged when nothing happens.

Focusing on goals doesn’t always work either because goals can be complex things that involve many aspects including the sweat of other people you can’t control.

The system that never disappoints is called PPP – Purposeful Positive Progression.  It allows you to take your goals and advance them in a positive way every day.

Often we spend a lifetime trying to accomplish one goal.  But when we do, the satisfaction is usually short-lived.  It is far better to have a success on as many days as you can on the way to achieving your goal.

Here’s an example:

Say you’re thinking about getting a new job or just want to see what’s out there before you commit to another year in your present job.

Make a list of things you should do (make contacts, network, build your resume, expand your education, be more visible, etc.).  And then every day, move one of those goals in a purposeful, positive progressive way.

Print out your online resume and put it on top of a pile that will command your attention before the day ends.  Or spend a few minutes finding the LinkedIn sites that you are most impressed with.  Or, contact someone and ask them for help.

Every small step is a success.

When you get used to succeeding it is empowering.

The ironic thing is that big goals result from many, many small successes on the way.

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When I am asked to say a few words at a funeral, I think back to a girlfriend I had in college named Marilyn.

She was very close to her aunt so I often rode the subway with her from Temple University to Hahnemann Hospital on Broad Street to visit her aunt who suffered from cancer.

On the night that I was to be inducted into Sigma Delta Chi journalism society, the Italian funeral was to be held. It was a three-day affair as Italian funerals can be with a “viewing” process that was enough to kill the survivors.   I bagged the Sigma Delta Chi banquet and never was inducted and I don’t regret it one bit.

There is really nothing that one can say at some else’s loss except “I’m sorry”.

But at a later date when Marilyn was trying to deal with her grief I said something that seemed to help – where inspiration came from I don’t know.

Keep your departed loved one alive through you by adopting their best as part of you for the rest of your life.

Marilyn picked not complaining because her aunt although she suffered for a very long time never complained about her pain. She always directed her attention to others.

I have subsequently adopted the most admirable qualities of people I love and lost in the same fashion. My mother’s ability to never give up.   My father’s honesty. My best friend’s compassion for others.

What a living tribute for people who have left us but remain an important part of our being.

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Fear is the belief that something or someone is likely to cause pain.

Fortunately, these beliefs rarely (1% of the time) actually happen so what kills us is not what we fear but the process of being fearful.

My father had a heart attack at 37.  I saw my mother worry until the day he died and the day she died.  It became a bad pattern that is typical of what happens when the fear thought gets out of hand.

So this is a topic close to my heart and I’d like to share a few coping mechanisms in the hope that they may be helpful to you:

• Ask what is the worst possible outcome that could happen. Make it really bad.  Can you live with that?  Will you be forced to live with that?  The worst is not likely to occur so take consolation in that.
• Focus on the one thing you will do if what you fear should become a reality. Think it through in detail.  Just knowing your game plan reduces the fear factor.  Chances are great statistically that you will never need to act on this plan.
• Let go of the fear (hey, I know this one isn’t easy but it works).  The more we don’t try to control the outcome, the better the outcome and the happier we are.
• Attach a gratitude that matches the thing that you fear.  If you fear losing your job, focus on what a great career you are having in spite of it.  Fear losing a loved one?  Be thankful for having had that person in your life.  Fear financial ruin?  You’ve earned a living in the past and you will do it again and even better in the future.

The anticipation of fear is far worse than what we actually fear.  There are always effective things we can do to relieve the stress of worry.

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Our lives have so many ups and downs it’s dizzying.

When we hit a bad patch whether it just lasts a day or for months, there are many things we can do to try to lift ourselves out of the sadness that comes over us.

Jump-start a better mood by doing this – it is guaranteed to work every time:

• As difficult as it may be, devote your attention to helping others – do not keep fixating on what is making you unhappy because that just makes you unhappier.  Do small deeds (or large ones) for those around you.
• Do not attempt to tie your improve mood or increased happiness to getting what you want – you may have too long a wait.
• By devoting our focus to others and looking for nothing in return, we train our brain to let go of what ails us long enough to actually find a workable solution.
• Be the purveyor of positive thoughts toward others:  tell people how good others look, how nice they are, how much you appreciate them and you will find what comes back in return will be more than enough to get you through some tough times.

We have no right to expect happiness as an entitlement if we are unwilling to bring small acts of kindness to others.  Getting your way is not the only way to be happy.

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Yes, shame.

That’s a strong word and I’m talking from experience here.

Being hired and promoted – that’s pride.

Being terminated for any reason is too often absorbed in our lives and those around us as shame and we should stop that thinking in its tracks.

A few suggestions:

• Some of the best careers ever came after a firing or misunderstanding at a previous job.
• Think of this:  just as some people get along better and are more productive with others, the same is true of employers.
• Toxic work forces set us up for the shame that follows.  At CBS Radio where massive layoffs are happening with more on the way, employees were disappointed but not surprised.  They felt it coming.  Work extra hard to resist the beating self-esteem takes at toxic work places.
• Another consoling thought:  often the person doing the firing gets theirs in spades later.  You may just have gone before them.  Try not to hold grudges that are 100% useless to your future success.
• Never hang your head.  Show your spouse and children (and those around you) that, yes, you are disappointed, even sad but not broken.  Remind them frequently that this is an opportunity you didn’t ask for, but one that you embrace.
• No one ever died from being fired – inconvenienced, disrupted, economically challenged but it’s not the end, it’s always a new beginning.  Always.

A job is only one way to exhibit self-esteem.  The other is successfully rising to the occasion to handle adversity.  In fact, it’s often the better way.

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There is a fascinating new study from Northwestern University that was just released.

The more time we spend on our phones, the greater chance that we are depressed.

The average daily use for depressed people was 68 minutes.

Happy people used their phones for 17 minutes.

The poll is 87% accurate according to the scientists who put it together using information on cellphones that track usage.  The used GPS data to track whether participants were spending time at home or just a few locations which is linked to depression.

An irregular schedule can also make phone users sad and unhappy.

The more we use digital devices, the more challenging it is to live a happy life.

Too much screen-time.

Not enough activity, interaction and change of locations.

I’m concerned and writing about this because I am sure that my use is at least 68 minutes and I’ve always been concerned about the balance of screen time, personal interaction and rest.

This latest data suggests some remedies to avoid problems:

• Change locations and bring your phone with you.  Do not become sedentary.  (My Apple Watch reminds me to stand up when I have been sitting too long – I like that).
• Seek personal face-to-face interaction.  Make it a daily mission to talk to people and look them in the eye.  Do not confuse Facebook friends with available friends.
• Cut screen time.  There is more of a health benefit to spending less time on digital devices than more.

Be 100% present when in the company of others and guarantee that smartphone usage will not adversely affect you.

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More on the Northwestern study here.

I have written about how I often asked my USC students to give up their cellphones (or face a 27-page paper).

Of course, they reluctantly did it and reported back to the group that they both liked being phone-free and hated it.

I have an Apple Watch, iPhone, iPad, laptop and like you I’m grappling with ways to stay connected and be disconnected as well.

That’s called balance.

A friend of mine, R Dub!, a dj in San Diego, recently stashed his phone for a week while on vacation and got these results:

1. Slept better.
2. More polite – no glancing down or distracted conversations.
3. Took in life more and experienced it in the present.
4. No longer tempted to check the phone while driving – really, it used to wait and still does.
5. Recognized that the world didn’t end if he didn’t check the phone at least every hour.

The number of times we check our phones each hour is insane – more than once and many more times for teens.

The optimum use for your cellphone is a tool for communication and information, not a lifestyle.

Adjust it appropriately to get to a balance, but the first step is starting now.

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We recovered from the Great Recession many years ago according to statistics but somehow it doesn’t feel that way.

Jobs continue to be outsourced, eliminated or doubled up with added responsibility.

Only the outstanding companies devote needed time to managing people and getting the best out of them.

The elimination of the American worker in the name of “best practices” or “right-sizing” is not going to end any time soon.

So what should we do to deal with uncertainty about our careers?

1. Never even consider leaving a job that you absolutely love because of someone you work with or work for.  This is the one circumstance that requires you to outlast the offensive co-worker if at all possible.  Harassment or abuse are exceptions.  Never tolerate it.
2. Always be looking for your next job.  Athletes have agents who look ahead to free agency. TV reporters are constantly aware that the best career move may be one to another market even when they are relatively happy where they are.
3. The antidote for feeling insecure is to devote 10% of your time each month looking for potential jobs and/or getting the training to be employable elsewhere.  This way you will be less frightened when things turn sour.
4. Once a year take a few days to ask yourself if you want to continue to do what you do for another year.  Often we fear losing jobs that we really don’t want.  When we take time to review what we’ve done and what we would like to do a year ahead it often opens our eyes to new possibilities even if you can’t immediately leave your present employment.
5. Be positive about your skills.  Frequently before companies let people go, they write them up using trumped up reasons so that they have evidence to fire them.  Never let anyone get that deeply into your head that they can make you feel badly about the kind of work you do.

Replace fear thoughts with the realization that you are always a free agent.

In 100% of the cases, the next job is better than the one you don’t like or the one where your talents are not appreciated.

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1. No need to do everything.  Multitasking may be possible but it is not worth the stress.  Prioritize the 20% of things you want to do in a day and leave the rest for another time.
2. Be a peacekeeper.  Helping others find common ground is less stressful than fighting for everything – many of which really don’t matter.
3. Get out of bed only after you find a new thing or person to be grateful for once your eyes open.  You can repeat the same person or thing but always look for others.  Gratitude is a natural stress reliever.
4. Nurture yourself.  All of us too frequently neglect the wants and needs that we have.  Champion “me time”.
5. Lean on others.  There is nothing wrong with asking others for help. In fact, even if problems cannot be resolved, the interaction can be calming.
6. Divorce digital devices some of the day.  Do not sleep with them.  Power them down an hour and a half before bed if possible.  Enjoy digital connectivity but not at the expense of relationships.  Being distracted is stressful and we can control that.

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This is our biggest, most important challenge.

How often do we bend and twist to become a better fit for someone else’s agenda?

Compromise is fine, but life’s decisions are yours to make and no one else’s.

We sometimes work in jobs we don’t like.

Stay in relationships that are just plain wrong.

Miss opportunities to follow our dreams because someone else has a powerful influence on us.

My vow is to live my unique life – not that of someone else or unduly influenced by another.

When I told my Italian father who was a military man and government worker that I wanted to be a disc jockey on the radio, he did everything he could to talk me out of it.

He said I should find a more secure career (you think?) and do something more normal.  Of course, he was the one who eventually bragged to his friends to “listen to my son on the radio”.  To not follow my dream would have been the worst choice.

Even well-meaning people can detour us from the sequence of events that is our unique life.

Don’t live someone else’s life.  Start by talking honestly to yourself about that which makes you happy and fulfilled and have the confidence to listen to your inner voice.

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Politicians aren’t the only ones promising change.

Products make the same promise (remember “New Coke”).

When the new boss comes in and promises to shake things up, everyone gets nervous and they hardly ever win the enthusiastic cooperation of others.

When we promise a spouse, or friend that we will change our ways, we are taking on a task that is almost impossible to deliver on.

People want things to be better, not to change.

This means that if we want to be a better parent, we don’t have to turn over a new leaf, we only have to do something better (i.e., be a better listener, non-judgmental).

With our spouses and partners we don’t have to undertake a transformation that will make us this other person we probably don’t even want to be.

Just pick something between the two of you and make it better.

Focusing on being a better person in small but meaningful ways is the transformative change that makes a difference.

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You can’t think yourself into enthusiasm.

It must be an action.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, one of the things that I wanted each student speaker to get was a rousing round of applause after their two-minute talk.

Simply asking audiences to be enthusiastic almost never works.

So I would have them stand on their feet and repeat after me five times: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic” (louder each successive time).

When they took their seats again, the ambience in the room was noisier. And after each one of their classmates finished their talk, an enthusiastic round of applause followed.

This doesn’t just apply in a classroom.

Before I walk into an office for a meeting, I remind myself to act enthusiastic so I’ll be enthusiastic.

Before a speech or presentation, I get up and move around in a physically animated way. I want to be in motion.

When I greet people, they just don’t get a limp hand, they get an up-tempo hello.

It goes even further.

Greet family members with enthusiasm that you physically feel before you’re in their company.

No one can resist an enthusiastic person and all it takes is to remember this mantra: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

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When I get angry I feel out of control, not rationale and not the person I strive to be.

But there are times when anger is appropriate.

• When it is directed at the right person (too often it is hurled at the wrong person).
• When the reason is right – not something else that has been festering inside you.
• When the time is right and not embarrassing or inappropriate.
• When it is measured and not an all out frontal attack on another human being.
• And when you are sharing anger for a substantive reason.

Unbridled anger usually leads to unhappy people, disastrous outcomes and a lost opportunity to properly share passionate feelings.

Strive to communicate anger to others the way you would have them tell it to you.  You know you have succeeded when both parties are still civil.

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