If I pull you by the hand but you pull in the opposite direction, we’re both in a tug of war going nowhere.

If I stand still and you pull me by the hand, you won’t be going far without more cooperation from me.

Offering no resistance is not cooperation.  It’s not working together.

In business and in relationships, we think we’re cooperating when we offer no resistance but as you can see from the above example, that’s not working together.

Working together is when two or more people agree to move in the same direction together preferably at the same time.

That’s why more emphasis should be placed on winning over people you need on your team to emphatically and enthusiastically go in the same direction.

Working together is agreeing to move in the same direction and then doing it.

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Even when things go our way, we could do a better job of savoring the moment.

Fast, connected living prevents us from fully appreciating the good things that happen.

We move on too fast.

In fact, we tend to spend more time on things that irritate us than on things that bring great joy.

All the books, TED talks, podcasts and pep talks are useless unless we don’t postpone joy.

Nail it?  Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Proud of your children?  Don’t rush the great feeling of pride and happiness.

To be tough on yourself or others affects joy.

Enough good things happen to everyone – even people in stressful situations – to make a conscious attempt not to postpone the critical feeling of joy in our lives.

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My biological clock is ticking.

I either get a promotion or my career is over. 

I’m 31 and I haven’t found the love of my life. 

I’m retiring and I’ll love it (but will I?). 

I have already lived move years than I have left.

The feeling of running out of time has nothing to do with age.  It’s about feeling pressure that time is passing us by.

No one knows how much time they have.   If they’re a teenager, they just assume it’s a long time between high school and old age, but sadly even young people can’t count on that.

Mid-lifers are pressured to raise a family and keep their career going.  They tend to look at time as the number of years they have left to maximize earnings.

Older folks can point to the actuarial tables but today people live unusually long lives given a few health breaks.

When the feeling of running out of time creeps up, double down on what you have this minute – today.

That’s all anyone can count on.

The fear of running out of time is just a lifetime of bad guesses that are not worth making.

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When it’s happening to you, it matters little that failure is the best dress rehearsal for future success.

Just getting through the debilitating feeling that attacks pride, self-esteem and confidence seems like an impossible task.

Okay, things will get better.

How do I get back and overcome my negative thoughts?

Surviving is the key thought – accepting your misfortune for now and dealing with the pain.

Anger is a waste of time and only stirs up more anger.

I’ll be back, things will be different, I will learn from my mistakes, it was out of my hands, it is a gift, I will become better for this.

One thing overlooked is all the good that happened even if the result led to a failure.

Instead of obsessing about what went wrong, start compiling a list of what went right.

Sometimes failure is based on the power of another person to impose it on you.  And sometimes it is political.

There are always more things that went right than went wrong – focus and obsess on these.

The only permanent failure is the one that accepts a judgment you do not share.

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If you’ve ever seen an old black and white picture of your grandma or great grandfather, they always seem to look like they were afraid of the camera.

And they were probably very nice, friendly people.

Contrast that to any picture on Instagram or social media today and they look like they are having a good time – maybe even too good a time.

We base how we feel about people – even whether we’re going to like them or not – by our first contact with them.

Look happy, approachable and engaging and you’re off to a good start.

Look distracted (like you’ve been on your phone), concerned, overly shy or distant and that relationship is getting off to the wrong start.

DJs who smile before they turn their mic on, sound friendlier on the air.

Yes, even the sound of a smile makes you more approachable and engaging.

People invest so much money into how they look – Botox, Invisalign, makeup, an edgy haircut but nothing is cheaper or more alluring than a smile.

Wait for the other person and it may be a long wait.

You go first and watch how many people immediately engage you with a smile in return.

It’s like yawning.  Once one person does it, you do it.

I do it every day when I am with people I don’t know – smile and watch the power of going first.

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Putting off dreams, responsibilities, handling tough situations or anything that needs our attention is like tying your hands behind your back.

Later is your enemy.

Thinking that achieving things is based on luck is misleading.

It’s based on how willing we are to deal with what we must do right now – not later.

The secret is starting immediately.

To start your own business, do something that leads you in that direction until you finally arrive.

Confronting personal problems with another person is a main source of avoidance.

Often the person most willing to deal with life’s problems right now is the one who is the happiest and most successful in the end.

Not the brightest.

Not the luckiest.

The most ready.

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We complain about not having enough hours in the day to do the things we really want to do.

That’s just not so.

Down time – the time we spend in-between, waiting for, following or in anticipation of something else – is the most valuable real estate in our lives.

Recognize this and find the added time to do more of what you want while still being productive.

But down time is wasted.

The proof is in our pockets.

Pulling out the phone to waste it on more apps, more chat and more diversions from the things we always say we don’t have enough time for is a prime go-to time waster.

Down time is found time when we’re on the lookout for it and it can give back the time we wish we had to use in more productive ways.

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A University of Oxford professor Robin Dunbar has come up with the maximum number of social media friends that can be maintained at any given time.

150.

The average Facebook user has over 300 friends – so says a Pew study.

Then add Instagram, Snpachat, Twitter to your universe and you’re spending a lot of time on people who you probably really don’t care about.

In other words, a lot of time is being spent in the black hole of social media where we lose our ability to live in the present and nurture friendships even though we only care about a much smaller number of “friends”.

Snapchat is refocusing on small groups of friends instead of massive numbers so heavy users are beginning to demand social media connections that actually have more meaning.

Fewer social media friends leaves you time for the friends you care about just like in person.

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The former first lady who died recently at the age of 92 once enraged the students of Wellesley College by accepting an invitation to speak.

The “just a housewife” Bush was hardly a beacon for women’s rights or so the students thought.

The speech alongside her Soviet counterpart Raisa Gorbechev asked the students to consider making three important life choices.

Believe in something larger than yourself. 

Find the joy in life.

Cherish your human connections.

As for the feminist part of her speech, Barbara Bush surprised again at the end of her talk when she asked the young Wellesley grads to follow their dreams:

“Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps and preside over the White House as the president’s spouse.  I wish him well!” 

Funny, feisty, bold Barbara Bush.

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52% of Millennials say anxiety is their biggest health problem and people of all ages are finding themselves under more stress in the digital age.

Perfectionists are great brain surgeons, lawyers, employers but they are not always happy people.

Trying too hard is bad for anxiety.

Giving your all is a better strategy.

There is a difference.

When consumed with having to get it right (or even working for or being with people who demand perfection), anxiety increases.

Play to win.  Put everything you have into it and then leave perfection to those who are willing to succeed at something at the cost of their health.

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How do you put down a phone that does so many things you depend on?

Very carefully, it turns out.

Not all phone apps hijack us to the attention black hole.

Social media does, so start there.  Cutback on social media.  It’s too addictive and it is the biggest detriment to using a mobile device without giving up being present for what’s going on around us.

Spotify, podcasting and endless news feeds hijack our attention from living in the moment.  Use with care because it’s very easy to get caught in a playlist, a podcast or Twitter.

Give yourself permission to go analog at times – weekends, say, when reading print might be a good substitute from digital distraction.

Then, adopt this rule of thumb:  spend as much time face-to-face as you spend on mobile devices and you’re well on your way to a well-earned tech holiday.

Welcome back.

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Down and out is a bad position from which to recover.

Down but determined is a guarantee that in time things are going to get better.

Determination overcomes disappointment.

To come back from disappointment, match it with determination.

When Serena Williams loses, look out.

When one of Elon Musk’s Space-X rockets crashes and burns, he grows more determined.

When Steve Jobs got fired at Apple by the man he recruited to run it, there was no way he liked it, but Jobs immediately started another company that invented what today is the Apple operating system setting up his return.

Assisting bad breaks by harboring a bad attitude is no way to rebound.

Be dangerous with determination to overcome.

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I will never buy an outdoor grill that is not made by Weber.

For anything that goes wrong, they always make it right most recently replacing the entire cook box of a large grill because it was not performing up to Weber standards.

No begging, no threatening – no hassles.

Goodwill is the gold standard of customer virtues.

There are other companies that accept the consumer’s word without exception, but not many.  That’s why there is no shortage of irate entries on Yelp.

Consumers want to be believed when they call; not be put on trial to prove their point.  A picture, an answer within a half hour, a new cook box in less than a week.

Whenever possible in business as well in personal human relations, the person who can be first to say yes is the one to be championed and appreciated.

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Losing things in life is a bummer.

The more we lose, the unhappier we become.

It works the other way, too.

For every loss, a gain.

Empty nest?  Get that special place for the two of you.

Leaving the job you love?  Move immediately to find a new love.

Laurie Cantillo left as the successful and outstanding program director of WTOP in Washington but before accepting one of the many radio offers she received, Laurie pursued her passion – space – and took a job with NASA (She has since been promoted to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena).

What a role model!  Her son is interested in astrophysics.

For every loss of something we love, find something to gain.

Nothing is worse than the loss of enthusiasm for the next adventure in life.

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The pain of going through rough times is nothing to wish for.

But life is full of rough times and some people use challenging times to transform their lives into something better.

A broken relationship leads to an entirely new and rewarding one.

A lost job or failure to win a raise or promotion is painful but useful when the irritation can morph into something better.

A deep personal disappointment that cannot easily be shaken off can be used as a motivator that brings satisfaction.

When rough spots paralyze, they also continue to do their damage.

Pain transforms into eventual happiness when it is used as an agent of personal change and growth.

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Happiness just happens, right?

But it really doesn’t.

Sometimes things do happen that make us happy and we’re always chasing more of these random events.

People who are really happy are those who realize that happiness is a choice.

If you have to wait for something to come along to be happy, then you’re going to be unhappy a lot.

Even money doesn’t make us happy although we think it will.  Check with lottery winners a year or two after they got wealthy beyond their dreams.

Still unhappy with all that cash.

And when illness, loss or hard times bring us down, we can’t always reverse these things just because we don’t like them.

Happy because I have people who love me and who I love.

Happy that I survived tough times or a difficult situation.

Happy that I had the flu because it could have been worse.

Happy to lose my job, the next one changed my life (this happened to me).

Happy to come this close to losing my life because surviving it made me appreciate life even more.

As we said, happiness is a choice.

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There really is no such thing as the future.

There is only now – where we can live, love and feel fulfilled.

We think of the future as a place where we can get the things we really want but nobody can see the future and anyone who lives in that space will be constantly disappointed.

The future has a way of never arriving.

Dreams are another thing – they are the desires we have that will only come if we develop a path to attaining them.

Dreams are redeemable in the present where they can be fully enjoyed.

People who live constantly for tomorrow may not realize it but tomorrow never comes.

But dream and prepare a plan to realize it and they will be enjoyed in real time.

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In this age of social media and political directness, we have a right to stop verbal abuse.

By telling people who cannot seem to muster any human relations skills that you do not plan to be their target any longer, you are fairly saying be nice or be quiet.

It is your right.

Just because social media allows people to interact in ways that can be insulting, hurtful, embarrassing or abusive, the remedy is to set your rules.

Same goes for verbal conversations where people feel they can tread on feelings by bowling you over with some of the bravado that has become commonplace.

Philadelphia TV weather personality Cecily Tynan who also has tons of adoring fans for her meteorology as well as fashion sense, took a critic right down to the mat when the rude Facebook user started debating the appropriateness of an outfit she wore on television.

Tynan wasted no time putting that bully in place by writing “be nice or be quiet” to the delight of her other fans.

After all, it is her Facebook page and she controls her own life.

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The other day, long-suffering Philadelphia 76ers fans were actually screaming “Trust the Process” as a crowd chant during a game.

Trust the process is what management has been asking fans to do while they endured years of underperformance by the Sixers to get a better chance at a high lottery pick and thus restock the team with the best talent over time.

That, and a little lottery luck, has remade the Philadelphia 76ers into a playoff contender for the first time in a long time.

But wait …

Do the fans really know what they were collectively shouting?

Trust the process means be patient, good things will happen.

It strikes me that this is the shout out many of us need to give ourselves when change takes too long to happen or when we experience a loss of confidence.

Be patient.

Good things will happen.

Trust the process.

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1. Write down the top 25 things you want to do for the rest of your life.
2. Circle your top 5 goals.
3. Start planning how you are going to achieve those top 5 goals and cross off the other 20 goals and don’t spend any of your valuable time on them until you’ve accomplished the 5 most important goals.

Buffet who is renown for studying hundreds of companies to acquire but actually acts on very few says that really successful people say no to almost everything – the opposite of what most of us do.

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