Things usually get ugly when we react rather than respond.

Reacting, which happens quickly and without much thought, usually leads to hurt feelings and things being said that we will regret later.

Responding is what people do when they want to think first and speak second.

Reacting:

“How dare you say I am selfish, YOU’RE the one who is selfish”. 

It doesn’t really matter at this point if there is any truth to the claim because the damage is done and we’re off to the races.

But responding is the better move.

“I’ve never seen myself as selfish”. 

Not accusing the other of the same thing of which they are accusing you.

The difference between responding and reacting is about 30 seconds.

Let comments – even and especially inflammatory remarks – slosh around in your brain for a half a minute.  You may be surprised to see how superior your brain works when given a few precious seconds.

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Nice people can be complainers, but nothing is more of a turnoff than to be in the company of someone who can find unhappiness in everything.

Many don’t even know they are doing it.

A friend recently told me how unhappy she was at work and when I suggested looking for another job, more complaints followed.

Complainers like to complain.

Life is too important to have it buzz-killed by complainers.

Let them vent for a while but when you realize you can’t get them to stop the negative talk, interrupt with a positive question.

Are you on LinkedIn?  That’s a good start and a positive move toward a better job.

But if the conversation drifts back to the negative – and it will – move on.  Stop the conversation.  Walk away.  Hang up.  End it.

Just as we have MRI evidence that our brain reacts a certain way when we’re happy, the brain can be trained to be negative and you are neither doing yourself or your friend a favor by continuing that negative behavior.

Complaints are good, they allow us to vent.

Fixation on what’s wrong changes our brain and makes it very difficult to have healthy relationships.

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Saying “if I offended you, I am sorry” is not an adequate apology.

Saying “I’m sorry” right away as soon as you’ve offended or hurt someone and repeating it emphatically is.

Actually SAY the thing you are sorry for.

It was insensitive of me to write that on social media.  I regret it and apologize. I hope you can forgive me.

I should never have referred to your weight.  You are a beautiful person as is.  Please forgive me for forgetting that. 

These are authentic apologies because they actually say what you’re sorry for and emphasize that you are indeed sorry.

I should have consulted you before making that decision.  I was wrong.  I will try to be aware of it in the future.  I can do better.

That kind of apology actually elicits love and respect in return.

Because if you haven’t apologized a couple of times today, you aren’t human.

Humans make mistakes and apologizing is not shameful, it’s prideful.

Apologizing in a sincere and authentic way says I will be better and that’s something to always be proud of.

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1.  The next time you walk into a room where there are seats, go to the front and take yours. Simply acting like you have confidence to be down in front, makes you more confident.  Often, the least confident people arrogate in the back.

2. When you get an opportunity to volunteer, be the first to say “I will”.  Words mean a lot to others and even more to our inner self.

3. Let someone else have their way.  The act of deferring to another person shows inner strength and we are rewarded not only with a boost of self-confidence but by gratitude from others.

4. Go one full day without saying the word “can’t”. When we stop running ourselves down, we automatically start building ourselves up.

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John Glenn was the first American to circle the earth in orbit in the early 1960’s when America was losing the space race to the Russians.

Much later at 77 years old, Glenn was the oldest man to ever enter space aboard the space shuttle. In between, he served almost two decades as a senator from Ohio and died recently at the age of 95 – a full life indeed.

Two things.

America needs goals and we as individuals need dreams. Too often we fantasize about our futures without realizing that we have one life and one chance to do all we can to live those dreams.

And, the lesser known story of John Glenn’s wife, Annie, who had a serious stuttering problem for almost 50 years until she came upon a program that purported to help stutterers overcome their disability.

It is said when Annie Glenn called her husband after completing the protocol, he was moved to tears. Annie Glenn then spent the rest of her life helping others deal with stuttering.

Whether our goals are in outer space or deep within ourselves, John and Annie Glenn show us that pursuing your dreams is not just rocket science.

It is the life we deserve.

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Repeat after me …

I’ve done it before. I can do it again.

If I’ve never done it before, I will use an IOU from the many things I have done well in the past.

I am not afraid of failure – I will learn from it.

Assume a virtue if you have it not.

If I don’t believe in me, I don’t have the right to ask anyone else to believe in me.

Now, repeat again and again during the day.

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The best way to deal with difficult people is to make it difficult for them to be difficult.

As much as you may despise their behavior, do not try to change the difficult person. They love that.

Deliver the message that you don’t take them seriously.  They hate that.

Use humor to avoid giving their trouble legitimacy. 

Fog the issue if pressed.  In other words, blow them off.

Difficult people are looking for attention and control.

When they realize that they can neither get your attention nor gain control of your decisions, they may try, but they will fail.

The most difficult person to deal with is one who has earned your trust, one that you are related to or who controls your pay check.

In all case, shift from reactive to proactive to put them in their place.

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Research, metrics, focus groups and other tools exist to help us make better decisions.

But Proctor & Gamble (P&G), General Foods and others have big budgets to test and market new products and yet still don’t bat 1.000.

Before the iPod, MP3 players were a cult product.

When Steve Jobs introduced the iPad, people said who needs a tablet when you have a phone and a laptop.

This is the stuff that humility is made of.

When we make major decisions, we can stick to the facts or we could get the facts and factor in our intuition.

Doubting our gut is always a bad bet if for no other reason than our inner feeling wants to tell us something.

Learn to listen to your intuition, your gut feeling and along with facts better life decisions can be made.

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A recent study in the publication Nature suggests mind wandering is more helpful than hunkering down and becoming obsessed with that which causes anxiety.

Mind wandering?

Let your mind wander away from perceived threats.  As Harvard Medical School points out getting a grip on threats may not be as effective as allowing the mind to wander.

We obsess by focusing in on anxiety not letting go of it and that makes the anxiety even more unbearable.

“So when you’re next feeling anxious or wired, try allowing your mind to do what it naturally does — wander!”

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If you do this one thing, everything else will fall into place.

Manage others exactly as you would like to be managed.

Talk to them the way you best respond to others.

Ask them to help you, don’t tell them – the way you like to hear it.

Show the compassion and understanding that managers often lack but everyone craves.

Build others up, do not tear them down because all of us hate that and yet it is so pervasive in today’s work culture.

Harvard promotes working in teams, but not without the human relations skills to deal with divergent points of view.

In other words, if there is one way to become more effective at managing people, you need only one thought all day.

Manage others exactly as you would like to be managed.

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