Steve Jobs and his wife would not let their children have unlimited use of the Internet.

The man who arguably did more to put the Internet in the hands and pockets of so many knew that too much of a good thing is not in the interest of young people.

Well, it’s also not in the interest of older folks, either.

Balance has always been the goal in life even before smartphones and digital devices were invented and it is no different now.

The best way to get a hold on too much use of digital devices is to redefine what these devices are which is tools, not a lifestyle.

A lifestyle is talking, sharing, laughing, experiencing and discovering people and places around us.  The tools that can often make this easier are digital access to the wide resources of the Internet and the world of apps.

Too many sweets are not good for the health.

Too much time devoted to an excellent communication tool instead of living in the present is also not good for the health.

My students at USC who were forced by their professor to give up using their smartphones for two days largely had these two conclusions.

One, they missed their phones and two, they enjoyed not being tethered to them so much even though they wanted their phones back.

In the end the generation that is addicted to their digital lives may have to be the ones to show everyone else the correct way to use them.

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The reason it is so hard to be a good listener is because most people are listening with the intent to judge.

Make some retort. Or think privately in a way that interferes with the message.

The great thing about being a good listener is that you don’t have to and shouldn’t want to rush to judgment on what you’re hearing.

This is not possible for people who are not comfortable in their own shoes.

And a person who has been caught up in self-absorption erroneously thinks that they must comment or offer an opinion from their perspective on everything they hear.

Good listeners don’t have to vie for the attention.

This is not to say that you can’t have an opinion on what you’re hearing or want to offer a comment on what you hear – but for everything?

Listening is not immediately judging.

It is not about us. It’s about them.

No one is going to get hurt if you don’t weigh in on every comment someone shares.

In fact, it’s the reverse.

The more you listen without making it about you, the more others will think you are a great friend and good conversationalist.

Try it.

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Rejecting another – publicly or privately – is a devastating way to bully and shame a person.

To be on the receiving end of such rejection is tough to deal with.  People use the tactic to control others and often it works because rejection or even the fear of it makes us codependent to the abuser.

Ask how this rejection makes you feel badly.

Here are a few common rejections with workarounds attached.

• A broken relationship might suggest not feeling lovable (Accentuate the strengths you know you have and take this as a sign that the right person is also out there waiting to meet you because they probably are).
• Having an idea dismissed without any consideration, may make you feel stupid (Put a stop/loss on letting other people grade your intellect immediately).
• Leaving you out of a group that you want to be in could suggest you’re not worthy of friendship (Seek out another group and prove to yourself that this is not true).
• Not getting credit at work for something you earned can leave you feeling cheated out of that which is yours (Collect your accomplishments in a place where you can review them as often as necessary. Someone can take away the credit but don’t ever let them take away the accomplishment).
• Getting laid off may make you feel unnecessary (Make feeling useful and important the number one thing you look for in your next job – not money alone).

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You’ve heard the saying “you are your own worst enemy” so how about changing that to “I am my own best friend”.

Friends do not let friends down – so starting today, we won’t let ourselves down either.

Friends accept others the way they truly are so from now on, the way we are will be just fine.

Friends do not demand perfection as a prerequisite for that friendship nor will we demand that everything we do must end with perfection.  Perfection is an okay roadmap but it is not a realistic outcome.

Avoid people who undermine your ability to trust in yourself, your judgment and your actions.

Turn your intentions into promises.  When we have good intentions, cement them by making them a promise to yourself.

Be nice to yourself.  True friends don’t talk in a rude or unkind way about themselves.

Follow your intuition.  100% of the time your intuition is right so when we hesitate or deviate we set ourselves up to undermine our best intelligence.

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Who among us doesn’t need help with this in our super-connected workaday world?

Some solutions …

• Put your screens to bed before you put your children to bed and let them both rest while you engage your spouse and loved ones in real time.
• Take back control of your life and put your digital devices back where they belong – as tools to help make life better and relationships more fruitful.
• Jot your day’s accomplishments down and put them somewhere you can remind yourself of how productive you were.  After hours is about relationships not productivity.
• Greet your spouse and children with the mindset like you have been away on a trip for two weeks when returning home.  And do this every day.
• Engage those around you.  Let them pick the topics and suggest potential outcomes for your time together.  Power down and step up.

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What kind of world do we live in where arguably one of the best quarterbacks who ever played the game of football had to sink to cheating and lying?

But that’s what the NFL’s independence investigator has suggested in his report.

The controversy known as Deflategate where Brady allegedly knew or directed people to deflate the footballs used in competition so they would be easier to throw and catch.  And that he also lied about his knowledge of the situation.

The man has several Super Bowl rings.

He’s rich.

Married to a supermodel who bore him beautiful, healthy children.

When ambition overrules our values then we cease to be a superstar.

Instead we become an opportunist looking to take illegal advantage to get what we want.

I know Brady is in the limelight and there is always pressure on him, but in essence we owe Tom Brady for reminding us how important it is to always courageously stand up for our values.

Winning without integrity on or off the athletic field is nothing to be proud of.

The person who never compromises their values is the real champion.

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Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has done a lot of winning in his ten years in that city including hockey’s prized Stanley Cup.

But the worst day he ever had coaching, as Babcock told it the other day, was in game 7 of their first round NHL playoff series against Tampa Bay.

“So was that because I thought in my heart we were going to win that series and that we should still be playing? Was that because of what’s coming? I don’t know the answer to that.”

Disappointment can be transformative or it can be disruptive to our happiness.  Sulking over not getting what we want can lead to more sulking and excuse making.  We can lose the edge and become unfocused on what previously seemed so intuitive.

So I like the rule of thumb Babcock has:

“There’s a 24-hour rule in my house for sulking. And I used all 24 hours.”

This is the most effective way of experiencing all negative feelings.

Feel them.

Set a time limit.

Then move on with life.

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Teens are not the only people who are being affected by shaming and bullying.

It is happening more and more at work because – yes, social and digital communication tools make it even more pervasive.

• Being left out is sometimes a form of shaming – nothing new to civilization but more pressing because more people can know that you have been left out of the loop.
• Responding with any form of “no” when you ask co-workers for ideas is a business bully tactic.  If we are asking for fresh thinking, we need to be prepared not to grade the comments we get in response.  “It’s not in the budget”.  “My opinion is (this) in response to your ideas”, etc.
• Firing a person who is well liked and considered valuable just because you can do it sends a chilling message to others that they may be next.  Never play with someone’s future.  The end of a business relationship should be cloaked in compassion, understanding and help not a statement of finality.  “Yes, come back and use our resources to find other opportunities”.  And mean it.
• The big bad elephant in the room is that beautiful people often get further, thinner people get the raise or promotion and people are judged by how they look not how they work.  This type of shaming is rampant in today’s businesses and needs to stop.  How we look is not up for consideration in judging our hearts or abilities.
• The best defense for a bully is to push back and then immediately repair the damage done by the thoughtless person.

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Since when is a cellphone an excuse to be a jerk?

To be non-responsive to the feelings of others?

To focus attention on a screen instead of looking into the eyes of the other person?

Since when is a screen in the backseat of a minivan a substitute for real time spent talking with mom and dad?

The average person receives and responds to over 50 text messages a day – are they better off for it?  Are we?

Good questions because soon many of us will be wearing watches that receive text messages to which we can dictate an audio response.

Digital devices are tools to better living.

Not a substitute for it.

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• From today forward don’t criticize yourself.  Find ways to be better but never as a response to not being adequate.
• Focus on what you are most proud of about yourself.  How would you describe your best advantage to another in one phrase?  Very compassionate person.  A real go-getter.  A consensus builder.  A warm heart with open arms.  Not things like this:  A great earner.  Successful person.  Rich.  Famous.
• While you are giving appreciation to others during the day, do it for yourself.  “I’m getting through a very difficult day” or “I just made my best presentation of the year”.  Include “thank yous” to you.
• Follow your conscience.  I have seen people passed over for promotion that have looked like they got the job because they were able to say, “I listened to myself”.
• Perfection is a zero sum game.  Be like the athlete who plays every game to win not the person who plays every game to be perfect.  In hockey, some goals are just plain ugly, but they count!
• Deal with mistakes as a learning tool.  Out of bad comes good – not always exactly the way we anticipate – but always.
• Comparing yourself to others is a guarantee of future poor self-esteem.  Is the first runner up in a beauty contest chopped liver?  Is physical beauty really that important?  Marvel at who you are.
• Give the gift that keeps on giving to others – your time – to get the real feel of what a person who likes him or herself is all about.

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