This is our biggest, most important challenge.

How often do we bend and twist to become a better fit for someone else’s agenda?

Compromise is fine, but life’s decisions are yours to make and no one else’s.

We sometimes work in jobs we don’t like.

Stay in relationships that are just plain wrong.

Miss opportunities to follow our dreams because someone else has a powerful influence on us.

My vow is to live my unique life – not that of someone else or unduly influenced by another.

When I told my Italian father who was a military man and government worker that I wanted to be a disc jockey on the radio, he did everything he could to talk me out of it.

He said I should find a more secure career (you think?) and do something more normal.  Of course, he was the one who eventually bragged to his friends to “listen to my son on the radio”.  To not follow my dream would have been the worst choice.

Even well-meaning people can detour us from the sequence of events that is our unique life.

Don’t live someone else’s life.  Start by talking honestly to yourself about that which makes you happy and fulfilled and have the confidence to listen to your inner voice.

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Politicians aren’t the only ones promising change.

Products make the same promise (remember “New Coke”).

When the new boss comes in and promises to shake things up, everyone gets nervous and they hardly ever win the enthusiastic cooperation of others.

When we promise a spouse, or friend that we will change our ways, we are taking on a task that is almost impossible to deliver on.

People want things to be better, not to change.

This means that if we want to be a better parent, we don’t have to turn over a new leaf, we only have to do something better (i.e., be a better listener, non-judgmental).

With our spouses and partners we don’t have to undertake a transformation that will make us this other person we probably don’t even want to be.

Just pick something between the two of you and make it better.

Focusing on being a better person in small but meaningful ways is the transformative change that makes a difference.

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You can’t think yourself into enthusiasm.

It must be an action.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, one of the things that I wanted each student speaker to get was a rousing round of applause after their two-minute talk.

Simply asking audiences to be enthusiastic almost never works.

So I would have them stand on their feet and repeat after me five times: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic” (louder each successive time).

When they took their seats again, the ambience in the room was noisier. And after each one of their classmates finished their talk, an enthusiastic round of applause followed.

This doesn’t just apply in a classroom.

Before I walk into an office for a meeting, I remind myself to act enthusiastic so I’ll be enthusiastic.

Before a speech or presentation, I get up and move around in a physically animated way. I want to be in motion.

When I greet people, they just don’t get a limp hand, they get an up-tempo hello.

It goes even further.

Greet family members with enthusiasm that you physically feel before you’re in their company.

No one can resist an enthusiastic person and all it takes is to remember this mantra: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

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When I get angry I feel out of control, not rationale and not the person I strive to be.

But there are times when anger is appropriate.

• When it is directed at the right person (too often it is hurled at the wrong person).
• When the reason is right – not something else that has been festering inside you.
• When the time is right and not embarrassing or inappropriate.
• When it is measured and not an all out frontal attack on another human being.
• And when you are sharing anger for a substantive reason.

Unbridled anger usually leads to unhappy people, disastrous outcomes and a lost opportunity to properly share passionate feelings.

Strive to communicate anger to others the way you would have them tell it to you.  You know you have succeeded when both parties are still civil.

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One of my friends is kind of irked at parents who arrange a play date for their children and then cancel at the last moment leaving a bunch of kids disappointed.

I feel a sense of obligation to answer all my email, keep my promises and show up for appointments.

Now that we can text and email, no need to even phone with excuses.

The same lack of consideration is evident for parties and events where people either don’t commit until the last moment or don’t show up when they commit.

I’m going to go on being as considerate as I can – so be careful, invite me to your parties and I’ll be there.

For everyone else who does not value the time of others, it’s one strike and you’re out.  Unfortunately we keep giving people the chance to be more considerate with the same disappointing results.

No more invitations.  No more play dates.

Live the life you want to live and set up boundaries for others who fail to value your time and show basic consideration.

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For those times when we need more self-esteem:

• If you’ve earned the right to do, speak, lead or participate in something important, that makes you uniquely qualified.
• Confidence isn’t a feeling.  It’s a commitment.  Kind of like faith and trust.  Every time we talk ourselves down, we have become the enemy.
• Increased confidence cannot be transferred from one person to another (sorry, motivational speakers).  We can be inspired by others but every individual is responsible for the way they feel about themselves and their abilities.
• Even being fallible or failing can be a confidence builder if we can find the positives in our actions (i.e., I worked for one full week on that presentation).
• Add a future promise – the next time I get the chance to do (whatever), I’m going to be even better.

And when you hit it out of the park, take a Confidence IOU.  Write it down, put it on your phone and review your victories daily.

People without great confidence in themselves fixate on perceived failures and easily forget their many successes that can inspire further confidence.

Never forget a success – no matter how small.  They help crowd out negative thinking that ruins self-confidence.

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Social media makes it easier to shame someone without having to actually look them in the eye.

To decide who is too fat, too skinny, too different and then have at them.

Body shaming is another form of hurtful and dangerous bullying because, as with bullying, the victim often eventually believes the criticism.

Here’s a good defense:

• Point out the uniqueness, the beauty and the goodness of people instead of focusing on the physical.
• Even when paying compliments we can inadvertently tie perceived good looks to a value they do not deserve.  My best friend Jimmy Weinraub had it right when he improved on “Your hair is beautiful” replacing it with “Your hair is as beautiful as you are a person”.  Then he would share a quick, authentic example that backed it up — “It was very considerate of you to bring cupcakes for everyone”.
• I love this one – think about and share with others how people’s bodies change over a lifetime as they age.  Tight abs can become a beer belly.  And this applies to everyone including the bully who is hurling shame towards their victims.  Never tie beauty only to physical looks because beauty is an ever-changing thing.
• Everyone pointing a finger at another has three pointing back at them, which means often the things bullies direct at others in hurtful behavior are weaknesses they see in themselves.

Don’t tolerate body shaming — set an example to friends, co-workers and children that it’s what’s inside them that counts.

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It’s what we do with it that counts.

Blow it or put it to work.

That’s a healthy way of looking at adversity.

Almost no one’s successful career got to where it is without turbulence along the way.

Often a bitter divorce leads to a happier future marriage if lessons are learned and appreciation becomes important. But you can’t tell this to a person going through it. Hang on, out of bad comes good.

Bad luck is the new good luck.

Almost no one who wins big lottery jackpots has money left when the payments stop. How can so many people (confirmed through many studies) make so little out of so much? That’s not good luck.

Adversity is certainly not pleasant, but it has its advantages when fate requires you to confront it.

Adversity makes us dig deeper into what’s really important, what we really want, the person we want to be, the kind if people we want in our lives.

When adversity strikes it may just be the thing that strengthens you and paves the way for a more favorable outcome.

Remember that potential favorable outcome as soon as bad things happen and your journey will be less painful.

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Why do we want our doctors to be perfectionists but not us?

We have high standards when our health is on the line.

Maybe that’s why almost every patient that is about to have a procedure says the same thing – “my doctor is the best”.  We never say, “my doctor is not a perfectionist, she just does her best”.

When we spend money on dining, we want the chef to get everything right not half-baked.

If we demand perfection, why doesn’t it work out for us when we try to deliver it?

My father was a perfectionist and I have some of those qualities, too.  They can drive you mad getting OCD over having everything just so.

I really don’t want to change even though I admit it makes me miserable at times.  Okay, a lot of the time.

But I am coming to discover a way of reconciling perfection with a good job.

I think about sports.

No team sends their players in to do their worst.  Okay, maybe the Phillies and 76ers.  But usually, you take to the field, court or ice aiming to be perfect.  Get a hit, score a three-pointer, get a goal.  We want to be our best.

Think of it this way, we play the game seeking perfection but – and this is very important – we judge it by how hard we tried.   That way, our obsession with perfection is not a disease but an admirable trait.

Salvador Dali had it right when he said, “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it”.

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Cliff Zukin, a public policy and political science professor at Rutgers conducted a study that will fascinate you about rude bosses and rude employees.  (The survey covers 605 people in 17 industries).

Rude Behavior By Bosses (in order) …

• Interrupts people
• Is judgmental of those who are different
• Pays little attention to or shows little interest in others opinions.
• Takes the best tasks and leaves the worst for others

Rude Behavior Employee’s Admit To …

• Hibernates into e-gadgets
• Uses jargon even when it excludes others
• Ignores invitations
• Is judgmental of those who are different (same as rude boss behavior above)

Politeness and kind consideration of others is the ticket according to other studies.

Jerks can succeed by being rude and employees can suffer by as well when they exhibit the same behavior.

The most successful people lift people up not run them down.

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Read more: No Time To Be Nice At Work

Sometimes things just get too overwhelming – even the most determined person has their limits.

But before throwing in the towel, take ten seconds to consider these two things:

1. Think of another person who may be disappointed if you give up because that’s a secret reservoir of energy with which to confront constant frustration. Do it for the other people who matter.
2. Remember all the people who have overcome adversity – try to think of one or two specifically – and be mindful of the moments before they almost gave up.

In the end, you wait out adversity; you don’t quit on it no matter how discouraged you are.

It’s not whether.

It’s always when.

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No bookkeeping necessary.

When friends and trusted individuals are involved, the best policy is not to keep tabs on what one party or another does to be helpful or kind.

Being in the radio business, I came close to losing my house early in my programming career. A friend offered to give me $5,000 that would help me make the payment for a few months. But I refused. Said I had no guarantee that I could repay him and in fact didn’t even have a job prospect. I shook hands and left.

The next day he called me back to his office and took out the envelope again (it felt like a funeral scene from the Sopranos – you know, an envelope with money in it).

This time he looked me in the eye and said, “You are going to be somebody and I want to bet on you. I do not care if you ever pay the money back. It comes without strings”.

I reluctantly took the money and shortly thereafter got a great programming job. One of the first things I did was recommend my friend to be the station’s local attorney and I returned the favor.

How did he get me to take the money when I didn’t know if I could ever repay it?

He leaned forward and said, among friends “you owe everybody and everybody owes you”.

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Has this happened to you?

Recently I made the acquaintance of an interesting man who shortly after he introduced himself to me, proceeded to talk for more than an hour – about himself.

Most emails are self-centered – about the sender and what he or she wants.  Often – but thankfully not always – they totally disregard the receiver’s interests, well-being or state of mind.

Go back and review your text messages and see how many of them actually are person centered – to you?

The realization is that we live in a world of self-absorption.  Even retailers and advertisers pander to that.

Dale Carnegie also cautioned to make people like you, talk in terms of the other persons interests, but does that work today when people are already talking about themselves.

The answer is – double down.

Even a self-absorbed person cannot help but like to hear us say, “Tell me more about this”.  And surprisingly, you may get an inquiry about you.

Just because the world is getting more self-absorbed and egotistical does not mean that we have to be that way.

Fighting for attention from a self-absorbed person is always a losing battle.

But doubling down and talking in terms of that person’s interests still works almost every time.

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The author Scott Addington writes:  “My purpose became clearly evident after I stopped looking for it”.

In Addington’s case the birth of his daughter.

“Beginning with that moment , there has never been the slightest doubt regarding the purpose and source of meaning in my life”.

Sometimes it is the loss of a job or loss of a relationship that is unexpected.

Often, the very thing we think is our main reason for being turns out not to be.

Doctors who sour on their profession, lawyers who want to do something else and not use their law degree.

This fascinates me in my own journey.

Maybe we don’t have just one true purpose in life.  Maybe there are several reasons for us being the person we are.

And as a professor I can also add, maybe the reason is to help others discover the wonder of their skills and abilities.

Never get discouraged that you cannot discover your real meaning of your life.  Instead be brave and stop looking.

The answer will make itself evident shortly thereafter.

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(David Brooks did a thoughtful piece in The New York Times recently on searching for purpose.  I thought you might like to read it here).

A friend of mine in the radio industry wrote me the most beautiful email about the ups and downs he has experienced in his life.

As he puts it:  “My goal in life was to become a good father, husband, employee, now there is no employer, the kids have left the house and I am divorced”.

I wrote back:  I wish I could take back all MY bad decisions and actions in life. The only problem is, these very irritations are what transforms us.  We keep living by learning.  No one’s life is right out of the box and ready to roll for an entire lifetime.

Pain is transformational.

Bumps in the road are building blocks.

We learn humility as a result of our arrogance.

Everything happens for a reason.  We are not always privy to what that reason is so patience, faith and good works are what keeps us going down the road to success and happiness.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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One thing no one can take away from us is our integrity.

We have to throw it away in a conscious decision to lose it.

Take the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

They have been caught in the act of spying on the rival Houston Astros.  They allegedly hacked into the team’s database.

Even sports – or especially sports – is no longer immune to a lack of integrity and fair play.

It seems we all want to win no matter what.

There is no shortage of examples:  Lance Armstrong’s heroic victories to overcome prostate cancer turned out not so heroic.

The controversy over Deflategate and New England Patriot’s star quarterback Tom Brady for allegedly ordering the air be let out of game day footballs to make them easier to control.

Just because we can get away with something (or not) is not reason enough to giveaway what we stand for.

Being honest and having strong moral principles is the victory.

Everything else is just sport.

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This is what Nadine Collier, the daughter of one of the nine victims of Dylann Roof’s shooting spree in a Charleston, SC Church said just a few days after the murders:

“I forgive you … I will never talk to her ever again, never be able to hold her again. I forgive you and have mercy on your soul. You hurt me, you hurt a lot of people, but I forgive you.”

Another relative of one of the shooting victims said, “hate won’t win”.

What remarkable people these are and what a gift they give all of us even as they are grieving that in the many ways we could forgive others for lesser and sometimes petty offenses, they show by example that hate breeds hate.

It’s not easy to be like this, but it is the goal and after this latest example of continued racial violence, it gives us hope.

For me, if many of these relatives could forgive such a heinous crime, what would be my excuse for not forgiving the people who have hurt me in lesser ways?

As always, a reminder that we can never change another person – only ourselves.

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Vice President Joe Biden addressed the students of Yale in May with a message on success and happiness.

Biden lost his wife and a daughter to a fatal accident at a railroad crossing in 1972 weeks before he was to be sworn in to his first elected position to the U.S. House of Representatives.  She was returning home from picking up the family Christmas tree.

Beau Biden said, “My brother and I, not the Senate, were all that he cared about … he said then Delaware can get another senator but my boys can’t get another father.”

And they said this about a powerful senator and today’s vice president.

Life can change in a heartbeat, as Biden all well knows.

His secret to success and happiness in light of such excruciating pain of losing part of his family:

“It’s about being engaged …It’s about being there for a friend or a colleague when they’re injured or in an accident, remembering the birthdays, congratulating them on their marriage, celebrating the birth of their child. It’s about being available to them when they’re going through personal loss. It’s about loving someone more than yourself.”

Who knew that when Biden shared these words it would be just two more weeks before he lost yet another child, Beau, to brain cancer.

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A friend of mine has terminal cancer – stage four. But to talk to him you’d think that he has had the burdens of the world lifted from his shoulders.

I have always been amazed how breast cancer patients can fight for life and succeed for many decades but they are a changed person.

They no longer fear death.

They fear not living life to its fullest.

And pain is transformational so running up against a disease, or a loss of a relationship, a job that defines your essence, or even loss of money putting you back to square one – it is not surprising that fighting for change often leads to the appreciation of acceptance.

We don’t have to like what we can’t change, but we can be liberated by it.

The next time you run up against something you weren’t expecting, make the best of it and find meaning in it.

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• Slow down.
• Take time off.
• Live and let live.
• Don’t attempt to convert someone from one religion to another.
• Work for peace.
• Work at a job that offers basic human dignity.
• Don’t hold on to negative feelings.
• Move calmly through life.
• Enjoy arts, books and playfulness.

After he was selected pope, he said smilingly “May God forgive you for what you’ve done”.

What are your top 9 secrets to happiness?

If you’ve never thought about it, start a list right now and feel free to borrow liberally from Pope Francis’ list above.

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