It’s one thing to have someone else reject you and another for you to let them.

Your life is not an election.

Others – some of whom may harbor jealousies or other evil thoughts – succeed when we allow ourselves to feel rejected by actions or words – at work, in relationships, everywhere.

Get to know the trigger words – the ones that evoke the shame of rejection to be ready to advocate for yourself.

Don’t allow rejection by others to define who you are or how you feel – you are better than that.

Don’t give others the power to shame.

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The iconic NFL football coach who the Super Bowl Trophy is named after – Vince Lombardi liked to point out what players did right, not wrong.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism – no one likes criticism, Lombardi had a better way.

Most coaches showed players the things they had done wrong in game films – and even today most still do.

Vince Lombardi only showed them what they had done RIGHT.

He knew that they would focus on replicating the right moves rather than trying to avoid the wrong ones.

The more we emphasize what’s wrong, the harder it is to get to what’s right. 

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Sometimes people misread shy folks as easy to dominate.

What’s needed is a set of guardrails.

As long as your core beliefs and values are not attacked or compromised, nice is a good thing.

But when someone crosses the line, it’s time to defend.

Shut down the conversation, walk away from the person, stand up for you.

Even if it’s family.

If we don’t defend our boundaries, we stand for nothing.

Shy and quiet is a personality trait, not an invitation to abuse the privilege of friendship.

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Late Night television star Stephen Colbert lost his father, a doctor and two brothers in a plane crash when he was 10 years old while they were flying to a prep school in New England.

Colbert offers that this profound sadness may actually be his explanation for becoming a comedian.

It was Colbert’s mother who he credits for helping him not become bitter.

“She taught me to be grateful for my life regardless of what that entailed, and that’s directly related to the image of Christ on the cross and the example of sacrifice that he gave us.  What she taught me is that the deliverance God offers you from pain is not no pain – it’s that the pain is actually a gift.  What’s the option?  God doesn’t really give you another choice”.

There is value in suffering and sometimes it takes a great comedian to point it out.  Out of bad comes good.

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How much stress is this worth to me?

Just asking this question when fear, worry, stress and anxiety begin to creep in helps individuals become instantly aware that they will be paying a price with their physical and psychological health if they don’t put an immediate limit on anxiety.

Pressure and stress go unchecked because they are exponential.

Asking the question puts a stop/loss on worry.

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Early in this football season, the Philadelphia Eagles had no trouble winning 10 games and losing only one – then something got into their heads, a talented team began to believe those awful thoughts we’ve all had when we lose confidence.

• That’s why people as well as sports teams have slumps – they try harder but get fewer results.
• A hockey player on the schneid grips their stick even harder to break a scoring drought and that makes things worse (often it is an ugly goal that gets them off the schneid).
• Humans cannot control everything but we always have control of the most important thing – how we think.

In tough times, double down on building up your confidence and do it like this – it’s not a matter of if, it’s when things go your way again.

There is a loneliness epidemic sweeping the country, a Meta-Gallup poll says one in four of us feel lonely.

• Young adults are the loneliest (27% 19-29).
• The lowest loneliness is 17% of 65+.
• The majority feel no loneliness or just a bit so being mindful is helpful but also part of the secret.

To boost your own feeling of belonging, reach out to others by phone, text, email, social media and in-person because the one who initiates contact gets the greatest benefit.

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Drive-thru traffic is on the increase, fast food restaurants are redesigning their buildings to have smaller dining rooms and mostly people are happy to have as little contact as possible when ordering and eating.

• There is a greater hunger – for human contact – that is being neglected partially because of the effects of the covid pandemic and due to our growing reliance on digital devices and social media to replace in-person contact.
• Mother Teresa, now posthumously a saint in her church, worked among the poor of India and she insisted that there is even a great hunger for love than there is for food.

If you agree, we can all share our humanity just the way we are with the people we meet today – a good way to feed those starved for human connection.

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One thing all of us want is acceptance.

• When a person feels excluded, it makes for tenuous friendships or unsettled co-workers.
• Being more accepting helps people get in touch with their feelings and reduces anxiety, depression and stress.
• Even the most confident among us feel less secure when they sense that they are or being made to feel like outliers.

On the first day of a new semester, I emphasize to my students that we will operate in an atmosphere of approval and acceptance – that we may not always agree, but we are safe to be, act and think the way we want.

That’s what the Journal of Health Psychology says we humans make every day.

• We’re so used to it that we don’t even realize that we are constantly living with this onslaught of decision-making.
• Add this to all the distractions we face and you can see why we are being overwhelmed and victims of overthinking.
• Since we’re not conscious of the majority of these split-second triggers, concentrating on the ones we are aware of can be a gamechanger.

For the big ones:  get the facts, weigh the facts then plunge forward.

It’s anxiety, social media, the violent times we’re living in are prompting teens to ask their parents to “Track Their Phones and Monitor Their Every Move” according to a recent poll highlighted in The Wall Street Journal.

• 11-to-26 year-olds report that they use family location-sharing apps to foster a sense of security.
• Apple has a popular tracking app with no shortage of other ways to monitor help.
• Some college students check in with a parent before and/or after class – gladly so.
• The app Life360 is a very popular way for young people to stay connected with parents.
• Helicoptering is understandable but it does not promote building resilience, the missing ingredient to the next generation.

Can’t blame parents for caring or young people for being concerned but resilience is what prepares a person for life in 2024.

In sports betting which is becoming increasingly popular, you can place a bet on almost anything in real time to gain a payoff – it’s addictive.

• In life, we can bet on ourselves to succeed at almost anything in real time but we usually harbor doubts that can get in the way.
• What if we placed a bet on ourselves when we are (for example) preparing a presentation while we’re doing it, or in the midst of a big decision to make or problem to solve?

If we can believe that we will win a bet in the middle of a live game, imagine what we could do when we place that bet on ourselves as we are working.

My longtime friend and brilliant management consultant John Parikhal reminds me that research done in the 1960s demonstrates that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone and only 7% words.

• The phone gives tone which is why it is more communicative. You also have to pay more attention when someone is speaking or you don’t know what they say.
• The tricky place is body language — in theory, Zoom should give us lots of that. But since most people sit still, and you only see them from the shoulders up, we rarely get good body language on Zoom so it isn’t such a great form of communication either.

It’s not just one thing – texts don’t do it, Zoom fails the test and even talking on the phone is only one aspect of effective communication.

According to Amit Sood, MD research shows that the spoken word sounds more polite than sending an email.

• Emails are brief and miss body language, eye contact, emphasis, inflection and pauses – details that often convey greater meaning than the words themselves.
• The mind often fills in missing information with negative assumptions.
• Emoticons help, but they only go so far.

If there is something that you really want, what are you willing to do to achieve it?

• Fail, get up, try again, fail, get up, try again – the math works like this, the more times you keep trying, the closer your dream comes to reality.
• Be bold, do something you have never done and do it with confidence – that’s the ticket to punch for transcending the norm.
• Postpone immediate gratification for achieving your actual goal.

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All of us are guilty of getting so caught up in our phones that we miss the good that happens.

• My young NYU students are impressed by the metric that indicates that out of 100 things that will happen to us only 4 could be considered bad.
• YET our minds treat every concern as bad and we pay an emotional price for thinking that way.
• We own our phones — they don’t own us – no one every died from missing a message.
• According to research by nurses, those who have entered hospice in advance of their death had regrets that they didn’t spend more time with the people who mattered most in their lives.

Students get to grade their teachers for better or worse – here’s a topic that pops up a lot on their report card about me:

• Thank you for not letting us use our phones during class – it helps us to focus (I get that a lot)
• Often young people are critical of their parents for using their phones all day long and wishing they would put their phones down and pay more attention to them – it’s not about duration, it’s all focus.
• It’s only been a little more than a decade since the smartphone and social media apps changed life as we know it – phase two is living a less distracted life with the many benefits of digital life.

Many of us try hard not to be judgmental of others, but we often bold ourselves to a different standard.

• The only thing you want to compare yourself to is yourself yesterday.
• Everything else is meaningless.
• Avoid the comparison trap because the goal is to feel good about yourself not how you stack up to someone else which is totally irrelevant.
• Admire the positive and admirable traits of others without feeling envy or low self-confidence in comparison.

Avoid inflating others by putting yourself down.

As a radio program director one of my favorite on-air promotions was “Christmas Wish” where listeners told the station what would make their holiday dreams come true and a few were picked at random on-air and offered prize packages.

• A military wife might have asked for a trip overseas to see her husband and when chosen by the station received a roundtrip ticket, pocket cash and a present to take along. You get the idea.
• But Christmas Wish can be done without any monetary consideration and without having to be the lucky winner chosen by a radio station.
• Think about the one thing that someone special in your life wants that is not driven by cash considerations alone and be the one to give that gift.

The best gifts can be the ones when you become Santa Claus by discovering the inner wishes and dreams of those that matter most.

Have a Happy Holiday – we will return to start the new year on a positive note.

The actress is no helicopter mom.  She wants her children to suffer a little “benign neglect”:

• Letting kids be bored and figure out what to do.
• Trying things without a parent hovering over them.
• Building resilience by letting them fail but giving them a helping hand to get up and try again.
• Being 100% present when focused on time together or absent for they can get involved in something else.
• Be ready to step in immediately on matters of bullying and safety.

Once again, you gain control by letting go in all types of relationships including a little “benign neglect”.